In what had to have been the final act in one of the greatest works of self-destructive performance art in professional sports history, JaMarcus Russell was arrested at his home in Mobile, Alabama for possession of codeine syrup, better known to street toughs and out-of-touch ESPN producers by such names as purple drank, lean and sizzurp, to name a few.

Many assume this blunder will forever jeopardize his chances of finding another job in the NFL, but that line of thinking fails to take into account every single moment of JaMarcus’ life from April 2007 until now.

JaMarcus Russell: Thanks for bringing me out, cart guy.

Cart driver: It’s my job, JaMarcus.

JaMarcus Russell: Could you bring me over to the part of the sideline where the coach ain’t at? He gonna be all up on my ass for missing practice Tuesday. Then again Wednesday. I got my sleep on all day Thursday, so I don’t know whether we had practice. Fridays are for Chinese buffet, so it don’t matter to me whether there was practice or not.

Cart driver: Okay.

JaMarcus Russell: One more thing: when we get the ball and you driving me to the huddle, can you honk the horn once or twice? I think it fires the team up.

Cart driver: Will do.

JaMarcus Russell: Aw shhh – you know what? I gotta piss, dude. Take me back to the locker room.

Cart driver: Can’t. Game’s about to start.

JaMarcus Russell: Pffff, all right, fine. I’ll just do it the pants. These are kinda thick anyway.

[Later]

Elvis Dumervil: YO! WAKE UP! I AIN’T WAVIN’ AT YOU, YOU FAT BITCH! I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU UP!

JaMarcus Russell: Nah, that’s all right. I’m cool. Say, when you walking back over to your huddle, can you tell the center to just drop the ball on my chest? I’ll throw it from down here.

Elvis Dumervil: Man, I ain’t telling him nothing. About to sack your ass again.

JaMarcus Russell: Dick.

[Later]

JaMarcus Russell: Yo, Bruce Gradkowski – how you deal with this blinking thing?

Bruce Gradkowski: What do you mean?

JaMarcus Russell: It takes so much out of me.

Bruce Gradkowski: Blinking? Isn’t that usually an involuntary motion your body does for you?

JaMarcus Russell: Not me, man. I feel it. I feel it all the time. Wears me down like I can’t even tell you. Like, I wish we had eyebrow robots that would push them joints down for you, then back up, automatic-like. But we don’t. Science sucks. You know what? I don’t even need to do it. Eff blinking. What’s the benefit? Total waste, you ask me.

[JaMarcus' eyes fill up with dust]

JaMarcus Russell: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY EYES!

Bruce Gradkowski: I’ll call the cart guy over.