It’s funny because Mike Smith had a heart attack but lived and is still coaching. Yes, yes, we’re horrible people, but you already knew that. If Smith suffers from any further chest pain, Peter King will interrupt the pointless football fun to breathlessly report that he’s gonna be okay and now back to the pointless football fun.

As part of the new TV deal that the NFL announced this week, the number of Thursday night games that NFL Network will broadcast is set to expand, though no one yet knows by how much. And that’s good. The NFL needs more options besides Monday night to hide all the bad games of the week. Hell, Jacksonville might play their entire schedule on Thursday nights next year.

The Chargers, last seen squandering a half dozen chances to redeem themselves by stopping Tebowmania, have lost six straight. One would assume that to be sufficient ineptitude to get Norv Turner fired, but it’s sometimes difficult to gauge how beholden a franchise is to the sweet, sumptuous strains of losing.

By firing Jack Del Rio, the Jaguars proved more daring by being willing to cut ties with an inept coach. That’s because they had other, more critical ties to establish, like links to SOOPER SECRET PAKISTANI MOOSLIM TERRORISTS with new owner Shahid Khan. Besides amusingly whipping retards into xenophobic frenzy, KHHHHAAAAAAANNNNNN is notable for his conspicuous Iron Sheik mustache. Were the NFL scripted by 1980s Vince McMahon, Tebow would have indeed been drafted by his hometown Jaguars, only for Khan to purchase the team and bench Jesus Baron indefinitely, thus setting up a rivalry that ends with Tebow hulking out and pinning Khan at the base of The Statue of Liberty.

The Florida Times-Union today made printable Khan mustaches for Jags fans to wear to the game. A cute sentiment until a few dozen rednecks decide to pair them with turbans.

Don’t forget to also take a glance at The New Yorker‘s latest foray into low culture in the form of this profile of Jon Gruden. The piece portrays Gruden as an obsessive student of the game who spends inordinate time poring over game tape only to shuck all that cumbersome insight off once he enters the booth to transform into a wild-eyed fluffer jackal.

Ensconced in his lair in Tampa, far from the “Monday Night Football” cameras, Gruden can sound shockingly negative. He is forever judging players who don’t or can’t excel—“slapdicks,” he calls them, or, more familiarly, “slappies.”

“THIS SLAPPIE SLAPDICK GABBERT, I CAN’T TELL IF HE WANTS TO SLAP THE DICK OR PLAYFULLY PAW AT IT. MY QUARTERBACK NEEDS TO EXHIBIT PEEN POKING INTENSITY!” Despite a few colorful anecdotes about Gruden, it’s Jaws who steals the show with this tragicomic outtake:

When it was Jaworski’s turn, he issued a stern proclamation. “Call me crazy, but I’m really excited for Tyler Palko tonight,” he said, and a roomful of skeptical sports producers erupted in laughter. Jaworski had given himself the thankless task of building up the Chiefs, praising them as much as he could without putting his own credibility at risk. Perhaps viewers would buy into the idea, however far-fetched, that Palko would emerge as the night’s underdog hero. Later that day, as Jaworski was making a cup of coffee in the ESPN bus, he tried the line again. “Call me crazy, but I’m excited about Tyler Palko,” he said. He exhaled. “I’ve got to sell this,” he said to himself.

Please remake Glengarry Glen Ross just for Jaws.

Can this game be as lopsided as Colts-Saints last night? That’s what we plan to find out through barely coherent profane commentary and copious NSFW links.

This may not be much of a contest, but at the very least we won’t be treated to an opener as horrid as the Fireman Ed intro from last week. ESPN is reportedly leading off the broadcast with a Sports Science segment on Ray Rice and Maurice Jones-Drew. I don’t know what to say. That’s… a reasonable replacement. Not sure how that happened. But let’s not give them plaudits yet. They haven’t announced the exact subject they’ll be highlighting. It could just be Gruden cackling at the running backs and yelling “THIS SCHRODINGER’S CAT! HE’S INSIDE THE BOX! HE’S OUTSIDE THE BOX! HE NEEDS BOX DISCIPLINE IF WANTS TO MAKE IT IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!”

Jacksonville Jaguars Pro Bowl tight end Marcedes Lewis came forward on Thursday with the shocking revelation that he has led a double life as the famed – and once presumed British – street artist Banksy.

“Yeah, that’s me. I’m Banksy,” Lewis told a reporter who spotted the player at a Carl’s Jr. restaurant in Los Angeles. “Been doing it for as long as Banksy’s been at it.”

The announcement comes shortly in advance of this year’s Academy Awards, where the possibility of a Banksy appearance at the show has been rumored and buzzed about if the film “Exit Through The Gift Shop” wins in the category of best documentary feature. Long speculated over, the identity of Banksy has never been officially confirmed.

“Seems like the right time, you know? At what point does the mystery become more important than the art? I’d like my work to stand for more than that. Stand on its own, ” Lewis said just before placing an order for a jalapeno six dollar burger.

Lewis said he has been resting since the end of the 2010 season, which he finished with 58 catches for 700 yards and 10 touchdowns, all career highs. He said the spike in production was intended to coincide with the mounting hype of the film. Football, he said, is also meant to tie into the often dystopian and anti-capitalist themes of his art.

“It’s not really meant to be explained,” Lewis said. “I try to leave the interpretation up to the viewer. What is the point if I have to explain it to you?”

Observers of Banksy’s career say that the artist’s work first appeared around 1992, which means if Lewis were Banksy, he would have had his first foray into graffiti art at the age of 8. And access to transportation to the British city of Bristol, where Banksy’s work first showed up, located a bit far afield from Lewis’ childhood home of Los Alamitos, CA.

“I lived near a bus stop. What else do you need to know?”

In “Gift Shop,” Banksy is supposedly depicted in short interview segments where his face is covered and his voice digitally altered, though the viewer can still see that the artist’s hands are white and his voice possesses a British accent. This has led some to question whether Lewis is, in fact, the controversial and revered street artist.

“That was the beauty of that choice, ” Lewis said. “I picked this scrawny British kid to give interviews as me in that movie. Threw everybody off. Hahahaha. Got ya again.”

So far, the reaction in Jacksonville has been a mixture of puzzlement and irritation.

“Banksy? Jaguars?” asked Abraham Tixelrod, of no fixed address. “What’s them words you talking at me? I thought you was the man handing out government checks. The hell with this.”

That’s probably an unfair thing to write about a prime time game between two 3-2 clubs, but coming off the Vikings and Jets last Monday, Jacksonville and Tennessee doesn’t quite have the same oomph, you know? There was a slight concern that MJD might not have been able to play because of a wrist injury, but he’s going to be starting tonight, after all. There’s also the issue of what the hell is up with Chris Johnson’s twitching.

I’ve heard from multiple people that this is something Cop Speed has been doing for a while. So it’s chronic nerve damage, then, is it?

So hopefully we’re in store for a nice duel between two of the highest regarded fantasy backs in the league. And if that doesn’t do it for you, there’s the always enthralling side story of How Will Cortland Finnegan Be An Asshole In This Game?

Also – don’t forget to check out my Designed Rush column at SB Nation.

Houston Texans

Key Additions: Neil Rackers, WHERE ELSE IS THERE?

Key Departures: The Sex Cannon, Chris Brown, Kris Brown, three more alternate spellings of that name, Ryan Moats

Five Fast Facts About The Texans:
- Just before he retired, former Bills defensive end Aaron Schobel said if he were to play this season, it would be for the Texans or nobody. Got to go with the name recognition, of course.
- “Snake Dick” Owen Daniels was late to realize that the Texans are more of a wyvern than a chimera.
- Hidden clause in Andre Johnson’s new contract: Hell if I know. It’s hidden.
- Brian Cushing blamed his positive steroid test on overtraining. Aww, that’s no fun. If you’re gonna go total bullshit on us, at least spice it up with some Jeremy London gun-toting-black-people-made-me-do-it details.
- Antwaun Molden sounds like a name a video game company that didn’t have the NFLPA license would use for Anquan Boldin.

Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 8 wins.

Verdict: OVER

You can almost base that designation solely on the games that Kris Brown won’t cost them this season. Then again, a lot of their success could hinge on the running game, which is forced to rely again on gimpy fumbleholic Steve Slaton, now that second-round pick Ben Tate is done for the season. Meanwhile Matt Schaub lost his coordinator and is a constant injury risk. Man, I’m really talking myself out of this, aren’t I?

RECONSIDERED VERDICT: PUSH

Indianapolis Colts

Key Additions: Hmm. Well, they appear to have drafted a few players. However, none of them will be able to provide immediately help on their terrible* O-line.

* – Peyton’s phrasing

Key Departures: Raheem Brock, someone loosely connected to Kendra Wilkinson, Jim Sorgi

Five Fast Facts About The Colts:
- Reggie Wayne wants a contract extension, but negotiations stalled when the team demanded he publicly declare the Tracy Porter pick-six was entirely his fault.
- Eric Foster was a decorated member of the Accused Sexual Assailant Class of 2010. It dealt quite a blow to holier-than-thou fanbases everywhere that the Steelers, Colts and Packers were the three teams represented this offseason.
- Defensive lineman John Gill was earlier this month found by police passed out drunk and shoeless in a ditch. It’s a sad turn for Gill, who is usually so able to feel…touch…and stroke you the right way.

- Pierre Garcon’s season will be cut short when he decides in October to run against Wyclef Jean for the Haitan presidency. Both will be disappointed when they fail to carry the zombie vote.
- Marlon Favorite needs to stop basing his identity on how one type of fish feels about him.

Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 11 wins.

Verdict: OVER.

We’ll just go ahead and pencil them in for their 12+ wins followed by an agonizing yet completely predictable postseason defeat every year until Peyton retires. Moving along…

Jacksonville Jaguars

Key Additions: Aaron Kampman, Kirk Morrison

Key Departures: Mangled fingered recent retiree Torry Holt, Tra Thomas, John Henderson, Reggie Hayward

Five Fast Facts About The Jaguars:
- Ko Quaye Cowboys is a fine documentary if you ever have the chance to see it.
- The new name for the Jaguars’ stadium is EverBank Field. It may sound like a low-rent sponsor, but they had to scurry when plans were scrapped for TebowTebowTebowTebow Stadium At Tebow Crossing.
- Mike Sims-Walker and the Titans’ Chris Johnson have a signature celebration in Madden 11: “The Chopper City Juke.” As with most unexplainably retarded things in this country, we have the city of Orlando to blame for it.

- Analysts claimed that the Jaguars reached in the 1st round for Tyson Alualu. In response, the Jaguars exclaimed that someone was paying attention to them.
- In the team’s first preseason game, Luke McCown completed a 73-yard touchdown to Troy Williamson. That represents more yards than Williamson has accrued in two seasons in Jacksonville. This meaningless factoid just pushed any other thing you knew about the Jaguars out of your head.

Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 7 wins.

Verdict: UNDER

Might seem cruel for a team that came into the final four weeks of last season with a 7-5 record. Then again, at that point the Jags hadn’t beaten any team of significance besides the Jets when Mark Sanchez was still in full-on “let’s give away every single game with backbreaking interceptions” mode. And I don’t really see how the team has taken any steps forward since then. But hey, so long as they maintain MJD as a force in the fantasy game, you’re all right with us, future relocated franchise.

Tennessee Titans

So maybe perfect teeth wouldn’t be that much of an improvement.

Key Additions: Chris Simms (solely for the weed connect), Will Witherspoon, Raheem Brock

Key Departures: LenDale White, Keith Bulluck, Kyle Vanden Bosch, Alge Crumpler

Five Fast Facts About The Titans:
- Vince Young this offseason progressed from shirtless clubbing to punching people in the club. Next up: inciting ritualistic mass suicide in a club. Yes, I think it’s the year he finally makes the leap.
- LaGarrette Blount and Myron Rolle are currently on the roster. Because you want to punch smarter, not harder.
- is there any offensive starter in the league that actually somewhat frequently touches the ball who is more readily on a fantasy waiver wire than Bo Scaife? I say no.
- It’s a shame they got rid of Nick Harper. With David Thornton and Raheem Brock now on the roster, they could almost have had an older, even crappier version of the ’05 Colts defense.
- Sen’Derrick Marks’ first name was likely the result of a misheard request for his brother to fetch something from the store.

Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 8.5 wins.

Verdict: OVER

They did well enough in the second half of the last season to make me think they’ll improve slightly. However, their defense, already struggling in 2009, lost a few more key components in the offseason. It also doesn’t help that they and Houston are tied for the highest strength of schedule this year (yeah, yeah, that’s based on last season and last season means nothing, but still). If I had to guess, Cop Speed will have a another stellar season, but it’ll be difficult to duplicate what he pulled off last year. But of course, that prediction could swing entirely in other direction if he happens to fall into my lap in a few fantasy drafts.

Tard helmet, now in team colors.

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Romo dumping Jessica Simpson the night before her birthday, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up first, it’s the AFC South, where you’re either winning, you’re mourning Steve McNair or you’re getting busy freebasing.

HOUSTON TEXANS

Five Fast Facts About the Texans:

Fullback Boomer Grisby clearly missed his true calling as an acclaimed writer of Laura Ingalls Wilder slash fiction.

Vegas Over/Under For 2009: 8 Wins

VERDICT: Push.

Despite every year, by virtue of a promising finish, duping suckers (like me) into thinking they can eclipse their 8-8 record from the year before (and the year before that), the Texans inevitably stumble out of the gate, eliminate themselves midway through the season, then pad out their record over soft teams at the end of the year. I’VE FINALLY WISED UP COCKSLOTS!

/Texans go 12-4 just to spite me

LAND OF SHIT INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

Five Fast Facts About the Colts:

Uh oh, Jim Sorgi has some competition at the cushiest job in sports. That clipboard hand better be strong come camp time!

Vegas Over/Under For 2009: 10 wins

Verdict: PUSH

Conventional wisdom will tell you that Peyton alone could coach this team to 10 wins, and he’s going to have to because Jim Caldwell doesn’t look like he could inspire shit out of a goose.

She really should’ve had a bigger part in the Star Wars prequels.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

Five Fast Facts About the Jaguars:

With time freed up by Fred Taylor’s departure to New England, the Jags training staff creates a fake Jack Del Rio Twitter feed that perfectly lampoons that sneering jackass. But then Tra Thomas’ back goes out in Week 9 and it goes to shit.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8 wins

Verdict: OVER

The Jags caught the brunt of a spate of injuries early last year (if you ask me, it was also karmic retribution for tossing huge contracts at Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson) and so long as they can avoid that, they should cobble together an improved result over last year’s disaster. I don’t think it would be a huge shock to see this team rebound to 9-7, but then I’m almost always fantastically wrong.

TENNESSEE TITANS

Five Fast Facts About the Titans:

Happy now, Obama? The economy has forced Kige Ramsey to become an overpass troll.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

Verdict: OVER

According to most, the departure of Albert Haynesworth augurs a nosedive for the Titans, but I don’t forsee that dramatic of a falloff. Unless Vince Young takes non garbage time snaps at QB, then, fuck it, they’re the new Lions.

]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/07/ksk-2009-nfl-prekkake-afc-south.html/feed 51 http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/07/the-jaguars-want-you-to-be-their-newest-season-ticket-holder.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/07/the-jaguars-want-you-to-be-their-newest-season-ticket-holder.html#comments Thu, 09 Jul 2009 13:54:15 +0000 Unsilent Majority http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=16543 “I used my Jaguars Reward card to make myself look like a total douche, and it was easy!

The Jacksonville Jaguars, in an effort to attract more season ticket holders, are offering a Jaguars Rewards program that will offer them discounts through supportive local businesses.

“The Jacksonville Jaguars are offering local businesses free advertising to help increase profits during these hard times. It’s fast, easy and free. All that’s required is a valuable offer for Jaguars Season Ticketholders, such as: Buy one entrée get a second one 1/2 off, or 25% off of your next dry cleaning bill.”

That’s right, a second entrée for half the price. That’ll give Fatty McNotickets something to think about. And remember, those are just two examples of the great deals waiting for you. Continue after the jump for more advantages of of the rewards program.

• 25% off of face paint and hair dye from the Make Believe costume shop of Jacksonville (teal only).

• One leisurely walking tour of Jacksonville (bring comfortable shoes, a sleeping bag, and enough food and water to last 10 days).

• Buy one season ticket and get a minority ownership stake in the franchise.

• 10% off at any of the Jacksonville area’s 18 Waffle House locations.

• One FREE tire balancing (offer not valid if your wheels won’t take a balance, road king package available for a moderate price).

• 15% off of your first visit to Silky Garrard‘s Pleasure Emporium. Gratuity not included.

• FREE circumcision performed by Jacksonville’s own Tim Tebow (no brises)

• FREE dead hooker removal (limit one per card holder). Have a dead hooker on your hands? Let the city of Jacksonville handle the pickup and disposal with all the discretion you demand with this one time only offer. It sure beats trusting the job to your blabbermouth fifth-grade son like some Eatonville degenerate.

What kind of discounts would it take for you to sign up to be a Jacksonville Jaguars season ticket holder? Let us know in the comments.

]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/07/the-jaguars-want-you-to-be-their-newest-season-ticket-holder.html/feed 45 http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/04/ksk-kontent-klearinghouse.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/04/ksk-kontent-klearinghouse.html#comments Wed, 22 Apr 2009 23:09:11 +0000 Christmas Ape http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=14004

Here’s a rundown of stuff we didn’t get to for full posts today because we’re lazy masturbaters.

First, up top is a new video poking fun at the shtick of Mel Kiper Jr., who isn’t quite as reviled by our commenters as I would have suspected. C’MON HE’S FROM BALTIMORE, PEOPLE!

The latest post from Marty B is up and it’s another classic. Curious about the racially hot-button issue that is black people’s love of fried chicken and also why black people don’t come in picture frames (Answer: because black people are already framed in real life! ZING!), he decided to poll NUMEROUS PEOPLE and report his findings. He should work for Gallup.

The Jaguars joined the Lions in revealing fugtastic Arena League-esque uniforms. So the 13 people who own Jags jerseys will have to update with a new one. They even make Silky Garrard look off-putting. For shame.

The hot transactional-type rumors of the moment have Carolina shipping Julius Peppers to New England for a 2nd round pick and Richard Seymour. Drew said he can already hear Simmons saying he was the only one who knew Seymour was on the decline. Also, Tony Gonzalez is rumored to be heading to Philly. Because someone who keeps a macrobiotic diet would really be happy on an Andy Reid-coached team.

]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/04/ksk-kontent-klearinghouse.html/feed 30 http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/01/one-fewer-fail-in-the-fold.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/01/one-fewer-fail-in-the-fold.html#comments Tue, 20 Jan 2009 17:13:37 +0000 Christmas Ape http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=10692 [Castle Failskull]

[A procession of kazoo players enter from a hallway, followed by a regal figure]

Fail Lion: My brothers! Today we mourn a great loss from our Royal Court of Fail. News comes from the field that Sir Buzzsaw has entered into the Nation of the Super Bowl dwellers.

Saint Jester: Impossible!

The Brown Knight: It cannot be so! [Throws empty beer bottle]

Fail Lion: Do not let your emotions sway your thoughts. Today is truly a sad one, but we will muddle on, as we always do.

Saint Jester: But what of his post?

Fail Lion: That is the very matter upon which we must ruminate this day. Sir Buzzsaw served this court admirably for generations as a specialist in matters of irrelevancy and fan apathy.

Jaguar serf: Well I don’t care much for my team. In fact, I only wear this cranial adornment because I found it in the parking lot.

The Brown Knight: Yes! The Jaguar! His people care little of the fortunes of their flag.

Fail Lion: But can the Jaguar be trusted? Remember, now, it was his squadron that came close twice in its formative years to fleeing our ranks.

Texan knave: TEXANS! NUMBER ONE!

Saint Jester: Yes, but who among us has not had a brush with near-success? It was just two years ago that I nearly trod onto those Super Bowl grounds.

Texan knave: WE BEAT THE COWBOYS ONCE! TEXANS! NUMBER ONE!

Fail Lion: Yours is a fair point, jester. Let it be so. Approach, serf.

Are you ready to ignore the shifting fortunes of your team? Only to adopt them should be make the promised land?

Jaguar serf: Sure. I guess. Me and Matt Jones are gonna score good drugs no matter what.

Fail Lion: Then I shall decree it. I dub thee, Sir Jaguar. Noble paladin of fan apathy.

Sir Jaguar: [Takes toke] Super.

[Kazoos play]

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