Tard helmet, now in team colors.

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Romo dumping Jessica Simpson the night before her birthday, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up first, it’s the AFC South, where you’re either winning, you’re mourning Steve McNair or you’re getting busy freebasing.

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The Jacksonville Jaguars, in an effort to attract more season ticket holders, are offering a Jaguars Rewards program that will offer them discounts through supportive local businesses.

“The Jacksonville Jaguars are offering local businesses free advertising to help increase profits during these hard times. It’s fast, easy and free. All that’s required is a valuable offer for Jaguars Season Ticketholders, such as: Buy one entrée get a second one 1/2 off, or 25% off of your next dry cleaning bill.”

That’s right, a second entrée for half the price. That’ll give Fatty McNotickets something to think about. And remember, those are just two examples of the great deals waiting for you. Continue after the jump for more advantages of of the rewards program.

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Here’s a rundown of stuff we didn’t get to for full posts today because we’re lazy masturbaters.

First, up top is a new video poking fun at the shtick of Mel Kiper Jr., who isn’t quite as reviled by our commenters as I would have suspected. C’MON HE’S FROM BALTIMORE, PEOPLE!

The latest post from Marty B is up and it’s another classic. Curious about the racially hot-button issue that is black people’s love of fried chicken and also why black people don’t come in picture frames (Answer: because black people are already framed in real life! ZING!), he decided to poll NUMEROUS PEOPLE and report his findings. He should work for Gallup.

The Jaguars joined the Lions in revealing fugtastic Arena League-esque uniforms. So the 13 people who own Jags jerseys will have to update with a new one. They even make Silky Garrard look off-putting. For shame.

The hot transactional-type rumors of the moment have Carolina shipping Julius Peppers to New England for a 2nd round pick and Richard Seymour. Drew said he can already hear Simmons saying he was the only one who knew Seymour was on the decline. Also, Tony Gonzalez is rumored to be heading to Philly. Because someone who keeps a macrobiotic diet would really be happy on an Andy Reid-coached team.

[Castle Failskull]

[A procession of kazoo players enter from a hallway, followed by a regal figure]

Fail Lion: My brothers! Today we mourn a great loss from our Royal Court of Fail. News comes from the field that Sir Buzzsaw has entered into the Nation of the Super Bowl dwellers.

Saint Jester: Impossible!

The Brown Knight: It cannot be so! [Throws empty beer bottle]

Fail Lion: Do not let your emotions sway your thoughts. Today is truly a sad one, but we will muddle on, as we always do.

Saint Jester: But what of his post?

Fail Lion: That is the very matter upon which we must ruminate this day. Sir Buzzsaw served this court admirably for generations as a specialist in matters of irrelevancy and fan apathy.

Jaguar serf: Well I don’t care much for my team. In fact, I only wear this cranial adornment because I found it in the parking lot.

The Brown Knight: Yes! The Jaguar! His people care little of the fortunes of their flag.

Fail Lion: But can the Jaguar be trusted? Remember, now, it was his squadron that came close twice in its formative years to fleeing our ranks.

Texan knave: TEXANS! NUMBER ONE!

Saint Jester: Yes, but who among us has not had a brush with near-success? It was just two years ago that I nearly trod onto those Super Bowl grounds.

Texan knave: WE BEAT THE COWBOYS ONCE! TEXANS! NUMBER ONE!

Fail Lion: Yours is a fair point, jester. Let it be so. Approach, serf.

Are you ready to ignore the shifting fortunes of your team? Only to adopt them should be make the promised land?

Jaguar serf: Sure. I guess. Me and Matt Jones are gonna score good drugs no matter what.

Fail Lion: Then I shall decree it. I dub thee, Sir Jaguar. Noble paladin of fan apathy.

Sir Jaguar: [Takes toke] Super.

[Kazoos play]

“Shouldn’t've ordered all that dick”

Which is only slightly less gay than carrying the dog around in this bag.

Even though we revel in bagging on the guy whenever possible, Simmons’ column this week was actually, truth to tell, pretty good and well-reasoned. That must be his first one this season. If you’re a Pats fan – and fuck you if you are – that’s gotta be a troubling sign.

But leave it to The Onion to trump him with the concise and very real insight into the minds of Pats fans this week. I’m sure Silky Garrard will receive only the most levelheaded and gentlemanly of heckling from the Gillette Stadium crowd.

Of course, I’m gonna go ahead and say there’s no fucking chance in hell Jacksonville wins this game. Are they just plain not good enough to beat the Pats? Perhaps. But more so because the league will do whatever it takes to ensure that the New England-Indianapolis AFC Title Game goes down. If this game is even remotely close, be sure to take a shot every borderline call (or non-call) that goes the Patriots’ way. Just don’t have your relatives sue the site when you die of alcohol poisoning.

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Okay, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is the first in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

AFC 5th Seed — Jacksonville Jaguars (11-5)

“Heinz Field is terrible. That’s a lawsuit pending” — Fred Taylor 1/1/08

Plaintiff’s attorney: On numerous occasions the conditions at Heinz Field have been found to be substandard, on others disastrously uninhabitable. My client asserts that the grounds have left him subject to permanent injury. What have you to stay to that?

Heinz Field: glug glug glug glug glug

Defense attorney: Objection! Point of fact: Did not Fred Taylor rush for 147 yards and a touchdown at Heinz Field not more than a month ago? And has Fred Taylor not been injured by the following things throughout his career: Popsicle stick houses, the blown seeds off a dandelion, dust mites, tall grass, fallen Jenga blocks, taking off his socks and tripping on the end of an escalator?

Plaintiff’s attorney: My client’s history of impairment is immaterial to the downright neglectful and irresponsible tending of Pittsburgh’s playing surface. What matters is that on any carry this weekend he could sustain a career-ending injury for no other reason than the field is a sloppy midden heap.

Defense attorney: I wish to call to the stand Hines Ward, a player who has competed on the surface without incident since the stadium opened in 2001.

Defense attorney: Hines, would you describe the turf at Heinz Field as substandard?

Hines Ward: Rrrraaaahhhhh. That so sally! Almost ridicurous! Seen many worst condition than that. Back home, each leceiver get sampan when go out on route.

Hines Ward: See? He wide open for super fantastic catch! I think Fled Tayrol is just lazy pampered Amerrrcan. He no know meaning of hard work.

I can smirrre now?

Plaintiff’s attorney: Very well. I have someone of my own who I would like to call to the stand: Troy Polamalu, who has played his entire career with Heinz Field as a home stadium, has been dogged by knee injuries this season, most likely caused by the shoddy playing surface at Heinz. Troy…

Polamalu: (speaking softly, inaudibly)

Plaintiff’s attorney: You’re gonna need to speak up, Troy.

Polamalu: Help, sinky sand!

It’s a battle for supremacy in the AFC South, with the quietly powerful and workmanlike (read: boring) Jaguars hosting the Colts, the NFL’s top alsoran to the Patriots, and, you know, the defending champs. Jacksonville winning would temper the next soon to be painfully hyped battle of the unbeatens in a few weeks. And we can’t have that. Seriously, this week’s games are abysmal. WHO YA GOT?

By now, you’ve probably heard that the Jacksonville Jaguars signed former No. 1 Draft Pick and Where The Fuck Are They Now coverboy Tim Couch to a two-year deal. Two. Twice. Two times. If he makes the team, he’ll pocket the league minimum, a paltry $595k. If not, then it’s back to second shift at Kinkos.

This is the NFL’s equivalent of, you know, when you’re out of clean underwear and you haven’t done laundry, and so you’re like hunting around, sniffing every dirty pair of underwear on your floor (hopefully, you’re just wafting the scent of the garment to your nose, unless you have a fucking death wish). And finally you get to that striped pair of boxer briefs and you think, “This pair doesn’t smell like complete shit.” At that point, I’ll steam iron them or pop ‘em in the microwave for 40 seconds or something. They feel fresher that way.

And I have no idea where I heard this story first, so you can take your hat tip and stick it up your ass. You’re like a bunch of fucking girls.

UPDATE: While we’re on the subject, stop sending us baseball shit. We don’t care. Next baseball link we get is earning an invitation to a Lemon Party, courtesy of twoeightnine.

UPDATE: Do not Google “Lemon Party.” Please.

Sadly, that boy, dear readers, was the smartest boy
in all of Jacksonville Proper.

Five fast facts:

1. The Jags often seem torn between Byron Leftwich and David Garrard. The unpleasant reality: they both suck big time.

2. Travel tip: Jacksonville Landing is a red-neckier version of the Baltimore’s Inner Harbor. Upscale alfresco dining on Styrofoam plates, yee-fucking-haw. If you go, stay in Ponte Vedra or St. Augustine and drive up. Seriously.

3. Matt Jones is fantasy kryptonite for starry-eyed white boys. Be strong. Avoid him.

4. MoJo Drew’s father gave him a belt than enables him to whip any man’s ass.

5. With Mike Rumph apparently out of the game, KSK is hoping for a break-out season from Jamaal Fudge.

Projected 2007 record: 8-8

Actual 2007 record: 8-8

Between the shitty AFC South and playing the AFC West teams out of division this season, there are a lot of beatable teams on the Jags’ schedule. If end Reggie Heyward can return to the form he had two seasons ago and Mr. MoJo Risin’ continues to run all over defenses, the Jags should continue to hover around .500. But meaningful playoff success for this version of the Jags is over.

If the Jags can land (a healthy) Daunte Culpepper, then the Jags fans might have something to cheer about this season. Otherwise, one of the few things that might bear watching this is coach Jack Del Rio’s sartorial showcase. But I doubt that legions of Jags fans clad in Limp Bizkit and WWE t-shirts will be overwhelmed with the cut of the coach’s suit. If you want to impress people in Florida with a suit it should be covered in rhinestones or be full of spy gadgets like Jackie Chan’s tuxedo in that one movie. I can’t remember the name of that flick, but I think it was called Jennifer Love Hewitt: Still Not Topless.

Last week, left tackle Khalif Barnes received six months probation stemming from his DUI arrest last year. This silver-tongued, smooth talker thought he could charm his way out of a night in the cooler by coyly calling the police officer: “A white KKK devil.” Oh, K-Bar, you little minx. In case you missed it a while back when MDS had it at the Fanhouse, here is the police video of the arrest.

I thought the phrase “colored people” was deemed passé over a generation ago. Is Barnes trying to bring “colored people” back? Should I wait to see if Will Smith says it first? Then we will know it is okay for white folks to say it too. Drunk or not, Barnes still exhibits flashes of lucidity in this video, particularly when he refers to Jacksonville as a “hick town.” In vino veritas, motherfuckers.