- Never one to shy away from an event where pink button-ups and Tucker Carlson costumes are the accepted attire, Jay Cutler made a showing at the Iroquois Steeplechase in Nashville on Saturday. Being amongst his own made him a little more willingly photogenic than the last time Cutlerf*cker was spotted in the wild.
“Hey Kristin, lose the coat, babe. I want all the guys to see what a bangin’ preggo bod you got.”
- In developments that should happened a few years back, Donovan McNabb is working on his mechanics and claims to have lost 15-20 pounds in effort to get himself back into shape, even though he won’t acknowledge he wasn’t in shape before. Nothing about being an automatic Hall of Famer this time, though, so that’s nice.
- The Pro Football Halftime Activity Book looks like it would be good for some drunk, regressive fun. Or, as it’s more commonly known: fun. That, or the book could be yet another helpful tool of football indoctrination for your children.
- We referenced cardboard cut-out prom date Tebow earlier, so might as well pass along the news that the Iowa girl who took out CCPD Tebow received a signed Teebs jersey, but has yet to hear from the Runslinger. Rachel Bird is the top of her graduating class of 28. That she and the cut-out were one of fewer than 20 couples there makes it even more sad, somehow.
- Spotted at Jazzfest: this wanted poster of Gregg Williams. So New Orleans is cool with “Free Sean Payton” but they want to string up Greggggggg? That’s some hypocrisy I can get down with.
Next copyright claim: foam headset and spangled jersey
In case you’re wondering why Robert Griffin III is in a big rush to trademark things like “RGIII” and the “Unbelievably Believable” phrase from his Heisman acceptance speech, here’s a handy object lesson as to why. A Jacksonville man is suing the Jaguars for copyright infringement because he claims the team stole his idea for the “three-point stand” tee that kickers use to warm up on the sidelines. He is seeking $5 million.
Of course, in his filing with the court – written by typewriter, by the way – Johnnie Perry misspells words “plaintiff” and “deliver” then encloses a photo of an object that doesn’t actually have three points.
IN 1996 THE THREE POINT STANDS WAS INVENTION THE PALINTIFF INVENTION THE THREE POINT STANDS AND ASK THE DEFENDANTS TO BUY ONE THREE POINT STANDS AND HANDDELEVER TO THE N.F.L. KICKER AND THE TEAM.
I’m no law-talking guy, but this looks like a slam dunk to me. Get out your checkbook, Shahid Khan.
Last night, Jimmy Fallon reprised his Tebowie character, which is supposedly a combination of Tim Tebow and David Bowie. It strikes me more as a standard David Bowie impression with lyrics tailored to the goings-on of Tim Tebow. Either way, people seem to enjoy it.
Yesterday on Twitter, someone created an imposter Adam Schefter account (with the hilariously fake name Adarn Schefter) to convince people that the Jaguars acquired Tim Tebow for a third-round pick. Just goes to show that, it took awhile, but rubes have glommed onto social media just as much as everyone else has.
The Washington Post’s The Early Lead blog yesterday granted space to Dan Shanoff to talk about Tim Tebow, which is never, ever a good idea. We say this as people who generally like Shanoff. The premise of the post is five reasons why Tebow to the Redskins would be super awesome and sensible. If you don’t think that’s noxious enough, here are a few notable snippets:
They have an established starter. Yes, Robert Griffin III hasn’t been drafted yet, but he comes with the full support of the organization and fan base.
If there’s one thing we know about the Tebowtards, it’s that they will aggressively push for Tebow to start over ANY quarterback, no matter how accomplished and wonderful. While ‘Skins fans like the idea of getting RGIII, he’s still a rookie and therefore vulnerable to the huge distraction that would come with the teeming Tetard horde calling for his benching the second the ‘Skins were to acquire Tebow.
They need a back-up to RG3. No, Rex Grossman doesn’t count.
Why not? The Sex Cannon is a perfectly acceptable NFL backup. That’s a shithead point to make.
And no player works harder than Tebow; he will push RG3 to reach his full potential.
A clever coach (and this includes top-of-the-league minds like Bill Belichick, Jim Harbaugh and Mike McCarthy, all of whom have been linked to acquiring Tebow) would deploy Tebow all over the field.
So why not campaign for Tebow to join one of their teams, instead of the horribly mismanaged Redskins?
And Tebow would love the D.C. area — it’s not quite a Florida homecoming, but it would put him back on the East Coast and only a 90-minute flight from home.
If by “the D.C. area”, you mean McLean Bible Church. Otherwise, you’re saying that the biggest drawing point is that it’s halfway up the same coast that Florida belongs to? Shanoff would make a killer realtor.
Shahid Khan: Commissioner, it is a great honor to meet with you again. When I received word that you sought an audience with me, I dropped everything and came at once.
Roger Goodell: The haste with which you came is greatly appreciated, Shahid. Please, have a seat.
Khan: Thank you. Now, what may I ask is the purpose of our meeting?
Goodell: Surely you heard of the cap penalties that the league levied yesterday against the Cowboys and the Redskins…
Khan: Oh, I did, sir. A most judicious decision, if I may say so. But my franchise is not guilty of such an infraction, is it? I triple-checked the books when I purchased the team to ensure that everything was in order.
Goodell: Oh, no. The Jaguars don’t have to worry about any problems with the uncapped season.
Khan: That is a relief.
Goodell: Indeed. However, there is another issue that I must discuss with you…
[Hands Khan a manila folder]
Khan: What is this?
Goodell: It’s the results of an extensive official NFL investigation into the condition of your team’s clubhouse. From this, we have learned of repeated use of homophobic and hate speech being used by Jaguars players within team facilities. Such practices were not only done under the auspices of team executives, but the executives at times also took part in said disastrous behavior. We are prepared to release these findings to the media by the close of business today.
Khan: What of it? This is common practice anywhere in the NFL. Granted, such speech may not be fit for the public, but in private, this is the culture of football.
Goodell: We have a code of conduct to uphold, Mr. Khan. You are as aware of that as I am. Any use of hate speech, even done in supposed privacy, has the potential to do great harm to the shield. These charges will carry dire consequences for the Jaguars, I’m afraid.
Khan: But how is this just an issue with my club? Surely, these infractions could be found anywhere in the league. You must know this!
Goodell: We can’t operate only on what we presume to know, Mr. Khan. We only have PROOF that your team is guilty.
Khan: This is an outrage.
Goodell: My condolences.
Khan: Well, we will not stand for this! We will appeal any ruling that you hand down against us!
Goodell: Why enter into any messy appeals process? I will have the support of the other 31 owners. Just as I will when I mete out punishment for the Saints bounty scandal, even if others are probably guilty. Just as I have your backing when it comes to punishing the Cowboys and the Redskins for front-loaded contracts that we at the time approved during the uncapped season.
Khan: You have gone insane with power.
Goodell: Insane? Hardly. By arbitrarily punishing each club with the graces of the others, I do nothing but instill fear and respect in those from whose power I derive my own. In turn, my power will only grow exponentially.
Khan: Well, then you are foolish to explain this to me. I will meet with the other owners and tell them of your plans. We will vote you out of office!
Goodell: I doubt they will believe you, a new owner of a marginal franchise. Not to mention one of your background.
Khan: And what background is that? I find your implication to be highly racist, sir.
Goodell: Perhaps. But it does little good to underestimate the racism of your fellow owners. You should know that Jerry Richardson has voted on a dozen separate occasions to have a massive Quran burning be the Super Bowl halftime show.
Khan: …
Goodell: But maybe there could be a way that we could not only circumvent the appeals process. You could even make these charges go away entirely. Should you provide me with the codes, that is.
Khan: Again, sir, I find the suggestion that just because I am of Pakistani extraction that I have access to nuclear weapons to be highly racist.
Goodell: So does that mean that I am wrong to suppose this?
It’s funny because Mike Smith had a heart attack but lived and is still coaching. Yes, yes, we’re horrible people, but you already knew that. If Smith suffers from any further chest pain, Peter King will interrupt the pointless football fun to breathlessly report that he’s gonna be okay and now back to the pointless football fun.
As part of the new TV deal that the NFL announced this week, the number of Thursday night games that NFL Network will broadcast is set to expand, though no one yet knows by how much. And that’s good. The NFL needs more options besides Monday night to hide all the bad games of the week. Hell, Jacksonville might play their entire schedule on Thursday nights next year.
The Chargers, last seen squandering a half dozen chances to redeem themselves by stopping Tebowmania, have lost six straight. One would assume that to be sufficient ineptitude to get Norv Turner fired, but it’s sometimes difficult to gauge how beholden a franchise is to the sweet, sumptuous strains of losing.
By firing Jack Del Rio, the Jaguars proved more daring by being willing to cut ties with an inept coach. That’s because they had other, more critical ties to establish, like links to SOOPER SECRET PAKISTANI MOOSLIM TERRORISTS with new owner Shahid Khan. Besides amusingly whipping retards into xenophobic frenzy, KHHHHAAAAAAANNNNNN is notable for his conspicuous Iron Sheik mustache. Were the NFL scripted by 1980s Vince McMahon, Tebow would have indeed been drafted by his hometown Jaguars, only for Khan to purchase the team and bench Jesus Baron indefinitely, thus setting up a rivalry that ends with Tebow hulking out and pinning Khan at the base of The Statue of Liberty.
The Florida Times-Union today made printable Khan mustaches for Jags fans to wear to the game. A cute sentiment until a few dozen rednecks decide to pair them with turbans.
You too can be The Lorax.
Don’t forget to also take a glance at The New Yorker‘s latest foray into low culture in the form of this profile of Jon Gruden. The piece portrays Gruden as an obsessive student of the game who spends inordinate time poring over game tape only to shuck all that cumbersome insight off once he enters the booth to transform into a wild-eyed fluffer jackal.
Ensconced in his lair in Tampa, far from the “Monday Night Football” cameras, Gruden can sound shockingly negative. He is forever judging players who don’t or can’t excel—“slapdicks,” he calls them, or, more familiarly, “slappies.”
“THIS SLAPPIE SLAPDICK GABBERT, I CAN’T TELL IF HE WANTS TO SLAP THE DICK OR PLAYFULLY PAW AT IT. MY QUARTERBACK NEEDS TO EXHIBIT PEEN POKING INTENSITY!” Despite a few colorful anecdotes about Gruden, it’s Jaws who steals the show with this tragicomic outtake:
When it was Jaworski’s turn, he issued a stern proclamation. “Call me crazy, but I’m really excited for Tyler Palko tonight,” he said, and a roomful of skeptical sports producers erupted in laughter. Jaworski had given himself the thankless task of building up the Chiefs, praising them as much as he could without putting his own credibility at risk. Perhaps viewers would buy into the idea, however far-fetched, that Palko would emerge as the night’s underdog hero. Later that day, as Jaworski was making a cup of coffee in the ESPN bus, he tried the line again. “Call me crazy, but I’m excited about Tyler Palko,” he said. He exhaled. “I’ve got to sell this,” he said to himself.
Can this game be as lopsided as Colts-Saints last night? That’s what we plan to find out through barely coherent profane commentary and copious NSFW links.
This may not be much of a contest, but at the very least we won’t be treated to an opener as horrid as the Fireman Ed intro from last week. ESPN is reportedly leading off the broadcast with a Sports Science segment on Ray Rice and Maurice Jones-Drew. I don’t know what to say. That’s… a reasonable replacement. Not sure how that happened. But let’s not give them plaudits yet. They haven’t announced the exact subject they’ll be highlighting. It could just be Gruden cackling at the running backs and yelling “THIS SCHRODINGER’S CAT! HE’S INSIDE THE BOX! HE’S OUTSIDE THE BOX! HE NEEDS BOX DISCIPLINE IF WANTS TO MAKE IT IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!”
Jacksonville Jaguars Pro Bowl tight end Marcedes Lewis came forward on Thursday with the shocking revelation that he has led a double life as the famed – and once presumed British – street artist Banksy.
“Yeah, that’s me. I’m Banksy,” Lewis told a reporter who spotted the player at a Carl’s Jr. restaurant in Los Angeles. “Been doing it for as long as Banksy’s been at it.”
The announcement comes shortly in advance of this year’s Academy Awards, where the possibility of a Banksy appearance at the show has been rumored and buzzed about if the film “Exit Through The Gift Shop” wins in the category of best documentary feature. Long speculated over, the identity of Banksy has never been officially confirmed.
“Seems like the right time, you know? At what point does the mystery become more important than the art? I’d like my work to stand for more than that. Stand on its own, ” Lewis said just before placing an order for a jalapeno six dollar burger.
Lewis said he has been resting since the end of the 2010 season, which he finished with 58 catches for 700 yards and 10 touchdowns, all career highs. He said the spike in production was intended to coincide with the mounting hype of the film. Football, he said, is also meant to tie into the often dystopian and anti-capitalist themes of his art.
“It’s not really meant to be explained,” Lewis said. “I try to leave the interpretation up to the viewer. What is the point if I have to explain it to you?”
Observers of Banksy’s career say that the artist’s work first appeared around 1992, which means if Lewis were Banksy, he would have had his first foray into graffiti art at the age of 8. And access to transportation to the British city of Bristol, where Banksy’s work first showed up, located a bit far afield from Lewis’ childhood home of Los Alamitos, CA.
“I lived near a bus stop. What else do you need to know?”
In “Gift Shop,” Banksy is supposedly depicted in short interview segments where his face is covered and his voice digitally altered, though the viewer can still see that the artist’s hands are white and his voice possesses a British accent. This has led some to question whether Lewis is, in fact, the controversial and revered street artist.
“That was the beauty of that choice, ” Lewis said. “I picked this scrawny British kid to give interviews as me in that movie. Threw everybody off. Hahahaha. Got ya again.”
So far, the reaction in Jacksonville has been a mixture of puzzlement and irritation.
“Banksy? Jaguars?” asked Abraham Tixelrod, of no fixed address. “What’s them words you talking at me? I thought you was the man handing out government checks. The hell with this.”
That’s probably an unfair thing to write about a prime time game between two 3-2 clubs, but coming off the Vikings and Jets last Monday, Jacksonville and Tennessee doesn’t quite have the same oomph, you know? There was a slight concern that MJD might not have been able to play because of a wrist injury, but he’s going to be starting tonight, after all. There’s also the issue of what the hell is up with Chris Johnson’s twitching.
I’ve heard from multiple people that this is something Cop Speed has been doing for a while. So it’s chronic nerve damage, then, is it?
So hopefully we’re in store for a nice duel between two of the highest regarded fantasy backs in the league. And if that doesn’t do it for you, there’s the always enthralling side story of How Will Cortland Finnegan Be An Asshole In This Game?
It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the Fat Humps’ fiefdom, the AFC South. Rex Ryan would be interested to know that this division’s champ has led the league in regular season wins each of the last two seasons.
Houston Texans
Key Additions: Neil Rackers, WHERE ELSE IS THERE?
Key Departures: The Sex Cannon, Chris Brown, Kris Brown, three more alternate spellings of that name, Ryan Moats
Five Fast Facts About The Texans:
- Just before he retired, former Bills defensive end Aaron Schobel said if he were to play this season, it would be for the Texans or nobody. Got to go with the name recognition, of course.
- “Snake Dick” Owen Daniels was late to realize that the Texans are more of a wyvern than a chimera.
- Hidden clause in Andre Johnson’s new contract: Hell if I know. It’s hidden.
- Brian Cushing blamed his positive steroid test on overtraining. Aww, that’s no fun. If you’re gonna go total bullshit on us, at least spice it up with some Jeremy London gun-toting-black-people-made-me-do-it details.
- Antwaun Molden sounds like a name a video game company that didn’t have the NFLPA license would use for Anquan Boldin.
Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 8 wins.
Verdict: OVER
You can almost base that designation solely on the games that Kris Brown won’t cost them this season. Then again, a lot of their success could hinge on the running game, which is forced to rely again on gimpy fumbleholic Steve Slaton, now that second-round pick Ben Tate is done for the season. Meanwhile Matt Schaub lost his coordinator and is a constant injury risk. Man, I’m really talking myself out of this, aren’t I?
RECONSIDERED VERDICT: PUSH
Indianapolis Colts
Key Additions: Hmm. Well, they appear to have drafted a few players. However, none of them will be able to provide immediately help on their terrible* O-line.
* – Peyton’s phrasing
Key Departures: Raheem Brock, someone loosely connected to Kendra Wilkinson, Jim Sorgi
Five Fast Facts About The Colts:
- Reggie Wayne wants a contract extension, but negotiations stalled when the team demanded he publicly declare the Tracy Porter pick-six was entirely his fault.
- Eric Foster was a decorated member of the Accused Sexual Assailant Class of 2010. It dealt quite a blow to holier-than-thou fanbases everywhere that the Steelers, Colts and Packers were the three teams represented this offseason.
- Defensive lineman John Gill was earlier this month found by police passed out drunk and shoeless in a ditch. It’s a sad turn for Gill, who is usually so able to feel…touch…and stroke you the right way.
- Pierre Garcon’s season will be cut short when he decides in October to run against Wyclef Jean for the Haitan presidency. Both will be disappointed when they fail to carry the zombie vote.
- Marlon Favorite needs to stop basing his identity on how one type of fish feels about him.
Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 11 wins.
Verdict: OVER.
We’ll just go ahead and pencil them in for their 12+ wins followed by an agonizing yet completely predictable postseason defeat every year until Peyton retires. Moving along…
Jacksonville Jaguars
Key Additions: Aaron Kampman, Kirk Morrison
Key Departures: Mangled fingered recent retiree Torry Holt, Tra Thomas, John Henderson, Reggie Hayward
Five Fast Facts About The Jaguars:
- Ko Quaye Cowboys is a fine documentary if you ever have the chance to see it.
- The new name for the Jaguars’ stadium is EverBank Field. It may sound like a low-rent sponsor, but they had to scurry when plans were scrapped for TebowTebowTebowTebow Stadium At Tebow Crossing.
- Mike Sims-Walker and the Titans’ Chris Johnson have a signature celebration in Madden 11: “The Chopper City Juke.” As with most unexplainably retarded things in this country, we have the city of Orlando to blame for it.
- Analysts claimed that the Jaguars reached in the 1st round for Tyson Alualu. In response, the Jaguars exclaimed that someone was paying attention to them.
- In the team’s first preseason game, Luke McCown completed a 73-yard touchdown to Troy Williamson. That represents more yards than Williamson has accrued in two seasons in Jacksonville. This meaningless factoid just pushed any other thing you knew about the Jaguars out of your head.
Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 7 wins.
Verdict: UNDER
Might seem cruel for a team that came into the final four weeks of last season with a 7-5 record. Then again, at that point the Jags hadn’t beaten any team of significance besides the Jets when Mark Sanchez was still in full-on “let’s give away every single game with backbreaking interceptions” mode. And I don’t really see how the team has taken any steps forward since then. But hey, so long as they maintain MJD as a force in the fantasy game, you’re all right with us, future relocated franchise.
Tennessee Titans
So maybe perfect teeth wouldn’t be that much of an improvement.
Key Additions: Chris Simms (solely for the weed connect), Will Witherspoon, Raheem Brock
Five Fast Facts About The Titans:
- Vince Young this offseason progressed from shirtless clubbing to punching people in the club. Next up: inciting ritualistic mass suicide in a club. Yes, I think it’s the year he finally makes the leap.
- LaGarrette Blount and Myron Rolle are currently on the roster. Because you want to punch smarter, not harder.
- is there any offensive starter in the league that actually somewhat frequently touches the ball who is more readily on a fantasy waiver wire than Bo Scaife? I say no.
- It’s a shame they got rid of Nick Harper. With David Thornton and Raheem Brock now on the roster, they could almost have had an older, even crappier version of the ’05 Colts defense.
- Sen’Derrick Marks’ first name was likely the result of a misheard request for his brother to fetch something from the store.
Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 8.5 wins.
Verdict: OVER
They did well enough in the second half of the last season to make me think they’ll improve slightly. However, their defense, already struggling in 2009, lost a few more key components in the offseason. It also doesn’t help that they and Houston are tied for the highest strength of schedule this year (yeah, yeah, that’s based on last season and last season means nothing, but still). If I had to guess, Cop Speed will have a another stellar season, but it’ll be difficult to duplicate what he pulled off last year. But of course, that prediction could swing entirely in other direction if he happens to fall into my lap in a few fantasy drafts.
Next copyright claim: foam headset and spangled jersey
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