1. I never feel more needed then when I fetch Mister Snyder’s slippers after his evening bath.

2. I was born with the same exact teeth I have today.

3. I offered Adam Dunn $25 million, but he signed with the Nationals instead.

4. I tried to molest every single kid on the set of Kindergarten Ninja, but their parents were always hovering around like buzzards circling my career.

5. I still use the name Sergeant Antonelli as an alias when meeting children for the first time. I’ve found it puts them at ease. Stupid children.

6. I cut my own hair.

7. The only book I’ve ever read is How to Succeed In Business Without Ever Trying.

8. I once successfully landed a big-name recruit at Notre Dame by kidnapping the player’s kid sister. Don’t worry though, I let her out of the closet in the coach’s office as soon as his eligibility ran out.

9. I drive a Dodge Stratus.

10. I wear both my National Champion ring and a Super Bowl Ring at all times. You don’t see them because they’re on my cock.

11. If things don’t work out with the Redskins I’ve been promised a job operating the Flying Carousel at new Six Flags Dubailand.

12. I stopped sleeping 20 years ago.

13. My pores excrete an as-of-yet unidentified viscous substance when I feel threatened.

14. I’m still holding out hope that one day my other testicle will descend. Stubborn little fucker.

15. I wish people would call me Il Duce without me having to ask them.

16. During the season I’ve been known to sleep at the foot of Mister Snyder’s bed like an obedient dog.

17. One time my laughter attracted the interest of a hyena during mating season.

18. I’m on the governments “no fly” list because i once bit a flight attendant in the neck. Thank god for private planes.

19. I suffer from halitosis.

20. I am 1/32nd vampire.

21. Are we almost done? We just fired the guy that used to handle all of my counting duties.

22. Lou Holtz gave me a job, but only after taking my virginity.

23. I used to wrestle in Mexico under the alias “El Burro Impotente”

24. I have never taken a bowel movement.

25. Spit roasting is easily the best way to cook fresh puppy. If you’re using canned puppy then you sicken me to my very core.

Image via The Bog

Welcome to an exciting Super Bowl edition of Always Be Covering, the internet’s most guaranteed gambling advice column insomuch as we guarantee that it provides gambling advice. Before we get to the big pick we have a special treat, an actual no-holds-barred (except the cross-face chicken wing) interview with Santonio Holmes of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Continue after the jump for all the fun.

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Hi, I’m Brady Quinn, the new starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. Now I may not be a Californian, but I’m here today to encourage you gay-loving liberals to come to your senses and vote Yes on Proposition 8.

Oh my god Tim, get your hands out of my pants, I’m trying to talk to the people here!

As I was saying, gay rights aren’t important, otherwise Jesus would have written a chapter about them in the Bible.

Seriously Tim, you can play with my balls all you want after I’m done.

Now if you want to be gay that’s your own business, but you guys should really keep in behind closed doors. You know, like inside of a closet.

Tim: Or out on a lake!

I swear to God, Tim, if you don’t shut up there won’t be any reacharound for you later.

So when you’re out there voting for President McCain today, be sure to vote Yes on Prop 8 to keep the sanctity of the heterosexual marriage pure.

Now Tim would you please assist me with this dutch rudder?

Welcome to the latest edition of the KSK Fantasy Football/Sex Advice Mailbag, the only place on the internet to seek advice on your flex position as well as your sex positions. We have a lot to cover, so continue after the jump to dive in to all of the week’s best emails.

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I consider myself to be a young man of moderate intelligence, but I’m willing to admit that my knowledge in the field of economics is lacking. In fact, I’m pretty sure I got a 76 in econ at Pitt. But to be fair, I barely even went to class after midterms. I’m sorry, but the Cathedral of Learning is fuckin’ spooky when you’re high. One time I was sitting outside the building when I was approached by a guy who recognized me because he worked at the one thing bordering on a headshop in the area. He was on his way to a class taught by the professor on whom Michael Chabon based his iconic character, Grady Tripp. Oh I’m sorry, was I rambling?

“I could be wrong, but it sort of reads in places like you didn’t make any choices. At all. And I was just wondering if it might not be different if… if when you wrote you weren’t always… under the influence.”

Well… thank you for the thought, but shocking as it may sound, I am not the first writer to sip a little weed. Furthermore, it might surprise you to know that one post I wrote, as you say, “under the influence,” just happened to win a little something called the Pen Award. Which, by the way, I accepted under the influence.

My fault, I’m a little high. And I really want to fuck Hannah.

ON TO THE PICKS!
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I’m not one of those reactionary Redskins fans, or one to go over the top in my reaction to a big win, but I think it’s about time we gas up the bandwagon and plan the trip to Tampa Bay. Continue after the jump for a clinical and reserved analysis of what we learned in yesterday’s win of the millennium at Dallas Stadium.

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It has nothing to do with his unfunny and not particularly offensive remark about Hispanics last night. What it does have to do with is the fact that Tony Kornheiser has reached near-Theismann levels of putrescence in the MNF booth. Whereas his colleague Mike Tirico has developed into a pretty good commentator in the last two years, Kornheiser has gotten, if anything, more schmaltzy and adulatory of superstar players. And, worst of all, less funny.

Readers may wonder why we’re offering the bounty on his car and not he himself, especially after a “stalker” already made off with a car recently from his garage in D.C. (Only a stalker could find the keys he left lying next to the vehicle, of course). Well, Tony’s an old guy and any harm we would visit on his person may soon be inflicted by the ravages of age anyway. Besides, there’s a much easier way to keep him out of the booth: exploit his well-known fear of flying! That’s right. All you need to do is make off with Tony’s car and MNF will see a significant reduction of self-serious opening soliloquies and Favre references.

That said, I have no personal animus toward Tony. I’ve never met him despite the fact that we worked for the same massive blogger-terminating paper for three years. He did mispronounce my name on his radio show once though (rest assured, sending that fussy letter to him wasn’t my idea).

So if there are any more Bernard Pollards out there (though I suppose for this mission Niko Bellic may be more suitable) you stand to reap the reward of $75, no inconsiderable amount in these lean economic times. With it, you could buy:

- Three hardcover John Feinstein books!
- American Idol: The Best and Worst of Seasons 1-4 on DVD!
- An actual old radio for Old Guy Radio!
- A guy who can poorly mimic a British accent!
- Something Jewy!
- Three crab-filled entrees at Rehoboth Beach restaurant of your choice!

Your options are only limited by your imagination. That and obvious economic factors. We realize that with his considerable wealth, he could always get another car should this mission succeed. Then again, we never said this was a one-time offer. So get on it!

pic courtesy Midwesterner’s Guide to Living in New York

[Int. Coach Belichick's office]

Matt: Hey coach, thanks for calling me in for this chat, I figure there’s some things we need to talk about.

Bill: [mumbles incoherently]

Matt: Sir?

Bill: Have a seat.

Matt: Yes, sir. So what is it you wanted to discuss?

Bill: Enough dickin’ around. I gotta know right here and right now, are you ready to lead this team to the Super Bowl?

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Where the fuck did everybody go?

None of us at KSK are close personal friends with NFL players like the guys over at The Dirty, so we haven’t had the opportunity to speak directly to Javon Walker regarding his rather dubious story.

Until now!

Javon is out of the hospital and we’ve managed to secure the definitive interview.

KSK: Hey Javon, thanks for taking the time to answer some of our lingering questions.

JW: No problem, I just want to clear the air and get back to football.

KSK: So first off, where were you on at 5:30 Monday morning, and exactly what was it you were doing.

JW: See, I wasn’t out at the club like that pirate dude been sayin’, I was in my hotel room at Bellagio. I was sittin’ there doin’ my thing. You know, sippin’ some Earl Grey and goin’ over my new playbook with Squawk Box on in the background. I can’t start my day without a lil’ Becky Quick.

KSK: So what happened next.

JW: Well I hear this knock at my door, and I hear some voice sayin’ they got my room service. Now I know that’s some bullshit, because Consuela brought up my tea and a fresh melon a half hour before.

KSK: Honeydew or cantaloupe?

JW: Oh it’s gotta be honeydew. That’s the money melon.

KSK: Excellent, please continue.

JW: So I figure I’m dealin’ with some jokesters or some such nonsense and I tell ‘em I didn’t order shit. Then a couple minutes later there’s another knock and some guy out in the hall is sayin’ how he’s locked out of his room and he needs to call his girl to come meet up with him, cause she’s got the other key. I get up to take a look out the peephole and see these three shady lookin’ fools outside the door.

KSK: And you opened it?

JW: Not right away. First off I told him to take his ass down to the reception desk to get a new key, or at least call his woman from the lobby phone. But he says they ain’t helpin’ him out down there cause them’s some racist assholes. Well that’s some shit I can understand, so I tell this guy that he can come on in to use the phone, but his boys gotta stay out in the hall ’cause they was strapped.

KSK: But those armed men didn’t stay in the hallway as you insisted?

JW: No, they did not. I mean, what kind of world are we living in where people can just lie like that, flat out. I can’t stand these fuckin’ liars, man.

KSK: Yeah, lying is pretty weak. So what happened after you opened the door?

JW: Those lyin’ fuckers came through and cracked me in the head with one of them guns. Next thing I know I’m on the ground takin’ a beatin’ and I’m just tryin’ to protect my playbook. You know, I’m thinkin’ maybe these guys were sent by the Broncos or some shit.

KSK: So you weren’t involved in any sort of altercation with these men at the club the previous night?

JW: Nah man, we were just enjoying a slam poetry performance when a candle tipped over and started a fire. I happened to be celebrating Tiger’s eagle on 18 with some friends, so I took our champagne and doused the blaze before anyone could get hurt. I was like, a hero and shit.

KSK: Wow, what an incredible story!

JW: Right?

KSK: So getting back to the assault, what happened after you were knocked to the floor?

JW: Well I started swallowing pages of the playbook so that Mike Shanahan and his goons could never get their hands on it.

KSK: And what made you think that these men were sent by your former coach?

JW: I’ll answer your question with another question: Who else could possibly want to harm Javon Walker?

KSK: …

JW: Exactly! So I’m chewin’ up some hot routes and these guys are pawin’ at my wristwatch, but I figured they were after the book, so I resisted. Just then I feel a crack on the back of my head, and everything goes black.

KSK: That’s incredible.

JW: Yup. So I’m layin’ there unconscious and they hoist me up and start walkin’ me out into the hallway.

KSK: Hang on a second. How did you know they were carrying you down the hallway if you were unconscious?

JW: Because when I’m unconscious all my other senses go into, like, overdrive. You know what I’m sayin?

KSK: Not really, but please go on.

JW: So they’re draggin’ my ass into the elevator and down to the main level, but security doesn’t notice, because they got this string tied around my wrist to make it look like I’m wavin’ to all my fans. It was just like that movie.

KSK: Weekend At Bernies?

JW: Exactly! It was like some Weekend At Bernie’s type shit! But the first one, not that gay ass sequel.

KSK: Where did you go from there?

JW: Well they got me out of the building and into the parking garage. I was still unconscious, but my subconscious knew what was up. Then they toss me in the trunk of this Town Car and start driving off. At some point I woke up and thought to myself “Man, I need to get the fuck outta here before they deliver me to Shanahan.” So I pry open the trunk with some MacGyver type shit I found back there. I wasn’t sure if they noticed, so I didn’t even bother waiting for them to stop, I just jumped out of that bitch goin’ about 50 down the boulevard. When I landed I cracked my orbital shit on the curb, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the hospital.

KSK: Holy shit, man!

JW: Right?

KSK: You’re a hero!

Yesterday ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reported (via voicemail) that Brett Favre is retiring due to his increasing mental fatigue.

“I know I can still play, but it’s like I told my wife, I’m just tired mentally. I’m just tired,”

What Mort didn’t go on to report is the subsequent conversation that took place when Mort got off of the shitter and checked his voicemail…

Hey Brett! Sorry I missed your call, I was knuckle deep in some serious mud butt.

Don’t you have journalists to do that for you?

Sadly, no. But hey, you mentioned something about retiring because you’re tired. What’s up with that?

You know, I’m just tired. I’m tired of reading the playbook, I’m tired of scouting opponents, and I’m tired of not getting to play with Moss.

I hear ya, Brett. Like I’ve always said, football is a thinking man’s game like chess. The pawns are the linemen, the rooks are the wideouts, the bishops are the tight ends, and the knights are the running backs. But the quarterback is like the king and the queen in one! The queen is your athletic side while the king is your brainy side. It must really have taken a toll over all these years.

…

Brett?

What the fuck is chess?

It’s like fancy checkers.

Chinese or domestic?

It doesn’t matter, your brain has had enough strain.

Hey, that rhymes!

It certainly does, Brett. So what are you going to do now that you’re retired?

I need a job that doesn’t require so much thinking and preparation.

Heck, you could come work in Bristol any time!

Nah, Berman creeps me out.

He’ll do that.

Hey, I know! Do you have Sean’s phone number?

Nope, I deleted it a while back. There was some…unpleasantness.

Damn. I sure would like to hitch my wagon to that Salisbury Brand he’s been talkin’ about. It’s like that guy gets paid to not think. What a great fuckin’ country.

God bless it.

Hell yeah! And fuck the French!

Yeah, and the blacks too!

What?!

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