Rape is certainly no laughing matter, despite the fact that we poke fun at it on a near hourly basis on this blog. But in the real world, it isn’t. That is, unless a woman fabricates a patently ludicrous story of a rape or assault by a celebrity, then that’s a whole ‘nother story. It’s the tender tale of Fake Rape. And it’s the laugh riot of the year. Two such examples cropped up just before this 2009 season got underway. Now that the accused square off on the football field, with nothing on their mind than a little permissible forced entry, we examine the accusers and their lying lies that aren’t true. So, WHO YA GOT?

NEW YORK- Sources within the commissioner’s office report that Roger Goodell is launching an internal investigation into the possible gang related activities of NFL superstar Adrian Peterson. Suspicions arose when images of the Minnesota Vikings running back surfaced on the internet blog site Gobbler Country showed him holding a large firearm alongside his similarly attired friends.

While Peterson’s associates cannot be identified in the photos it’s apparent by their matching outfits that they are a fellow members of the football player’s illicit organization. Gangs such as Peterson’s typically feature specific colors by which members are recognized and rivals are identified. In this case the Commissioner’s office has reason to believe Peterson has started a camouflage gang, all the better to stay hidden from authorities while remaining in plain sight.

No one within the NFL could be reached for comment.

[Gobbler Country]

Update: This post was written before I read the news of the missing Air France plane. I pulled the post with the intention of re-posting it at a later date, but it’s already showing up on RSS feeds so I’m just putting it back up now. I mean no offense, but if you don’t want to read a satirical post about a quarterback being lost at sea on the same day that a commercial plane was lost at sea then you should just skip over this one.

DALLAS, TX–Officials fear the worst after Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo and his girlfriend Jessica Simpson failed to return from an afternoon boating excursion in the Gulf of Mexico. The couple left the marina two days ago in their 25-foot Malibu Wakesetter speedboat for a day of relaxation and have not been seen since.

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones pledged to fund an extensive search and rescue mission, although he reportedly canceled the operation shortly after watching Stephen McGee and Felix Jones excel in the team’s new “Wildcat” formation during organized team activities.

It appears that family members have also given up hope on finding the superstar couple alive and well after two days at sea. While the Simpson family has yet to issue an official statement, Jessica’s father Joe was overheard speculating as to whether or not they had to wait for the bodies to wash up on shore before collecting on his daughter’s sizable life insurance policy.

They will not be missed.

This is Dr. James Andrews, and if you follow professional sports you’re probably familiar with his work. It is Andrews’ nimble fingers that have been responsible for breathing the life back into hundreds of lame limbs from all across the sporting spectrum, and now he’s taking on Brett Favre’s bum bicep. Clearly the man has gone mad with power.

Jesus fucking Christ, James, if God really wanted Brett Favre to make another comeback he wouldn’t have taken the time to reduce the man’s throwing arm to delicious shredded beef. Who are you to interfere with His divine will? You must have an ego the likes of which we’ve only seen from Favre himself. I am pleading with you to think long and hard about what you’re doing before you selfishly repair another man’s injury.

That is why I am humbly requesting that you kick the Hippocratic Oath to the curb for a day and “take one for the team” by botching this procedure. In fact, I’m willing to start up a collection on this very blog to compensate you for doing as such.

Cancel the procedure?

We’ll figure out a way to make up for the lost income (invaluable gambling advice!).

Go through with the procedure but intentionally botch it to make sure Favre never so much as lifts his right arm over his head?

Double compensation, plus a free whore to do with as you see fit.

Feel too guilty to screw up on purpose?

We’ll buy you a case of Red Bull to chug before the surgery. That way your conscience can remain (somewhat) clear while your hands do their best impression of a Parkinson’s patient.

Feel free to sleep on it, James. But if you don’t have an answer soon I’ll be powerless to stop Drew from offering a bounty on your veiny hands.

1. The only porn that does it for me is a good rape scene. And I’m not talking about that staged bullshit. The Belicock demands real tears.

2. I was the captain of the Wesleyan Lacrosse team, but you probably could have surmised as much.

3. I am an even bigger douchebag than you can begin to imagine. Number 2 on this list is just the tip of the iceberg.

4. I have developed four new methods to properly skin a cat. The hard part is keeping them alive.

5. Art Modell stole my idea to move the Browns.

6. I keep the clippings from every haircut I’ve ever had at a storage facility in New Jersey.

7. I’m pen-pals with Kim Jong-il. Good guy. Misunderstood.

8. Grumble.

9. I hired private investigators to follow every prospect we scout for the NFL Draft.

10. Plus I have a mole in every other team’s war room.

11. Scott Pioli is a figment of my imagination.

12. Never bought American Apparel hoodies. I want the soft touch only child labor can provide.

13. Bobby Knight is a fucking pussy.

14. I once fired an assistant coach for showing up to the practice facility wearing the very same sweatshirt I had briefly considered wearing.

15. I always piss clear.

16. And i always shit green.

17. I’m giving up two things for Lent this year. Carbs and forced sodomy.

18. I induced Tedy Bruschi’s stroke as a team-building exercise. He seemed cool with it.

19. My second toes were longer than my big toes so I ground them down to fall in line.

20. I have a cat named Bonkers whose life I value more than any human in my life.

21. Yes, I skinned Bonkers.

22. I fashioned a crude ushanka out of his pelt.

23. While you were reading this I was fucking your wife in your bed.

24. You need new sheets.

25. And a new bed.

1. I never feel more needed then when I fetch Mister Snyder’s slippers after his evening bath.

2. I was born with the same exact teeth I have today.

3. I offered Adam Dunn $25 million, but he signed with the Nationals instead.

4. I tried to molest every single kid on the set of Kindergarten Ninja, but their parents were always hovering around like buzzards circling my career.

5. I still use the name Sergeant Antonelli as an alias when meeting children for the first time. I’ve found it puts them at ease. Stupid children.

6. I cut my own hair.

7. The only book I’ve ever read is How to Succeed In Business Without Ever Trying.

8. I once successfully landed a big-name recruit at Notre Dame by kidnapping the player’s kid sister. Don’t worry though, I let her out of the closet in the coach’s office as soon as his eligibility ran out.

9. I drive a Dodge Stratus.

10. I wear both my National Champion ring and a Super Bowl Ring at all times. You don’t see them because they’re on my cock.

11. If things don’t work out with the Redskins I’ve been promised a job operating the Flying Carousel at new Six Flags Dubailand.

12. I stopped sleeping 20 years ago.

13. My pores excrete an as-of-yet unidentified viscous substance when I feel threatened.

14. I’m still holding out hope that one day my other testicle will descend. Stubborn little fucker.

15. I wish people would call me Il Duce without me having to ask them.

16. During the season I’ve been known to sleep at the foot of Mister Snyder’s bed like an obedient dog.

17. One time my laughter attracted the interest of a hyena during mating season.

18. I’m on the governments “no fly” list because i once bit a flight attendant in the neck. Thank god for private planes.

19. I suffer from halitosis.

20. I am 1/32nd vampire.

21. Are we almost done? We just fired the guy that used to handle all of my counting duties.

22. Lou Holtz gave me a job, but only after taking my virginity.

23. I used to wrestle in Mexico under the alias “El Burro Impotente”

24. I have never taken a bowel movement.

25. Spit roasting is easily the best way to cook fresh puppy. If you’re using canned puppy then you sicken me to my very core.

Image via The Bog

Welcome to an exciting Super Bowl edition of Always Be Covering, the internet’s most guaranteed gambling advice column insomuch as we guarantee that it provides gambling advice. Before we get to the big pick we have a special treat, an actual no-holds-barred (except the cross-face chicken wing) interview with Santonio Holmes of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Continue after the jump for all the fun.

KSK: Hey Santonio, thanks for taking the time to chat with us.

SH: Oh that’s cool, I’m a big fan.

KSK: Of us?

SH: Yeah, I like that Hines Ward chinaman speak and the retarded Ben character. That shit’s funny.

KSK: Oh, cool. Thanks for reading.

SH: Ain’t shit.

KSK: So Santonio, on media day you admitted to selling drugs in your younger days. Why did you do that?

SH: Well I want to be an example to the kids out there, and they gotta know the truth. That’s why I decided to just be up front and truthful about all I’ve been through over the years. Plus I had to get my hands on these sick Penny II’s. You know, I think it’s something a lot of people can relate to.

KSK: Shit, how do you think I bought these Air Max 95’s back in college?

SH: Nice.

KSK: Speaking of shoes, you see that new Quagmire Dunk?

SH: Giggity!

KSK: You said it. So what made you stop dealing?

SH: I only stopped when I went to THE Ohio State University, cause I was gettin’ paid that Buckeye money. I started back up before the draft though, you know, just for shits. Why, you need a dime?

KSK: I’m straight, but you might want to talk to my man Ape. He’s been awfully high strung.

SH: Word.

KSK: Speaking of weed, you got pulled over with a little bit of the God’s gift in your car, any regrets there?

SH: Nope, I was just thrilled that the cop never found the kilo of heroin hidden in the spare tire.

KSK: Wow, you really are committed to this whole honesty thing.

SH: Damn straight.

KSK: Of course that wasn’t the only time you ran into legal trouble.

SH: Hell no.

KSK: Back in July of ‘06 you were in court on charges of domestic violence against the mother of your child. Now the charges were later dropped, but would you care to tell your side of the story.

SH: Oh I smacked her around a bit.

KSK: You did?

SH: Yep.

KSK: Bold admission.

SH: You know, it’s what I do.

KSK: Hit women or tell the truth?

SH: Oh I mean tell the truth, I haven’t laid a malicious hand on a woman since then.

KSK: Well that’s good.

SH: Wait, do hookers count as women?

KSK: Nah.

SH: Cool, thought so.

KSK: So tell me how you felt when a fully nude picture of you surfaced on the internet for the world to see.

SH: Oh man, that shit was funny. To be entirely truthful that wasn’t really all me.

KSK: Are you saying that the image was digitally enhanced.

SH: Oh hell yeah, that thing was photoshopped to within an inch of its life.

KSK: So in reality you’re…

SH: Tiny.

KSK: Tiny?

SH: Tiny.

KSK: Care to elaborate on th-

SH: Two inches.

KSK: Flaccid?

SH: Nope.

KSK: Wow. Did not see that coming.

SH: That’s what she said.

KSK: HAHAHAHA

SH: HAHAHAHA

KSK: So tell us how you like to pump yourself up before a big game. Do you watch a movie like 300 or listen to some upbeat music?

SH: Oh you know it. I mean, I’m not into the heavy action stuff, but when I wake up Sunday morning I’ll watch my favorite scenes from The Notebook.

KSK: Huh.

SH: And when it comes to music it’s gotta be the Jonas Brothers. Those guys are my secret weapon.

KSK: You’re quite the rare breed.

SH: You know this.

KSK: So Santonio, before we let you go we have to get your official Super Bowl pick.

SH: Oh man. I mean, I’d love to pick us of course, but in all honesty I’m not sure we can compete with the Cardinals.

KSK: Wow.

SH: Hey, it’s nothing against us, I just think they’re the better team right now, especially because Ben’s ribs are all broken?

KSK: REALLY?

SH: Yep, NFL wants to cover that shit up, but that’s the truth, man.

KSK: Score?

SH: 35-12. MVP is Adrian Wilson. Man, he’s gonna kick my sorry ass.

KSK: Thanks for taking the time to join us, Santonio, good luck on Sunday.

SH: I’m gonna need it.

And now, ON TO THE PICK!

Pittsburgh -7 vs. Arizona

Sadly I don’t see things working out quite the way Santonio does. Arizona has become a more popular pick over the past week* (probably because the experts have been playing them up because it gives them something to blather on about while not begging strippers for a quick blow job), but I’m not buying that shit for a minute. The Steelers were my pick when the playoffs started, and they’ve looked plenty capable in their previous two playoff games, covering in each. I like Pittsburgh by two scores.

*RJ Bell of Pregame.com is reporting that 55% of the betting populace is siding with Arizona.

Santonio image via Behind the Steel Curtain

Hi, I’m Brady Quinn, the new starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. Now I may not be a Californian, but I’m here today to encourage you gay-loving liberals to come to your senses and vote Yes on Proposition 8.

Oh my god Tim, get your hands out of my pants, I’m trying to talk to the people here!

As I was saying, gay rights aren’t important, otherwise Jesus would have written a chapter about them in the Bible.

Seriously Tim, you can play with my balls all you want after I’m done.

Now if you want to be gay that’s your own business, but you guys should really keep in behind closed doors. You know, like inside of a closet.

Tim: Or out on a lake!

I swear to God, Tim, if you don’t shut up there won’t be any reacharound for you later.

So when you’re out there voting for President McCain today, be sure to vote Yes on Prop 8 to keep the sanctity of the heterosexual marriage pure.

Now Tim would you please assist me with this dutch rudder?

Welcome to the latest edition of the KSK Fantasy Football/Sex Advice Mailbag, the only place on the internet to seek advice on your flex position as well as your sex positions. We have a lot to cover, so continue after the jump to dive in to all of the week’s best emails.

Last week I was having sex with my girlfriend when her sister [they're roommates] walked in to the apartment and proceeded to run into my girlfriend’s room to tell her something about school. Without a beat, I hoped up fully sheathed and jumped five feet over the bed. Couple of minutes go by and the sisters have their gigglefest about the situation. I don’t give a shit. My cock is worth the discussions. Anyway, the other day my girlfriend’s sister comes up to me and we start bullshitting. She compliments me on my size and I compliment her on her massive breasts. Needless to say, she drops trough and whips out her funbags for me to admire on a strip club level. These things were sculpted by the Lord Jesus with such precision and care. Now the question — should I go for the sister? The girlfriend is alright but her sister is on another level of depravity and awesomeness that you rarely find in a chick willing to have sex with you. I’ve only been with her for a month. Help a brother out.

Fantasy question: At this point, is keeping an injured Felix Jones on the bench now going to be rewarding when the playoff stretch begins?

You lying fuck!

Okay, in case you are actually being truthful this is a difficult situation that will require a deft touch. The first thing you must do is to appraise the situation from afar so as to determine whether or not there is the slightest chance for a threesome. Now if the idea of incest bothers you, just back out now. But why would that bother you? They aren’t your sisters, so let them worry about the taboo shit. I doubt you’d have any trouble with the big tittied sister because she sounds awesome and as we all know, girls willing to show you their monstrous mammaries without asking are pretty much down for anything. So it’s your girlfriend you’ll need to work on. Start by getting her off, then start shoveling ice cream into her mouth. When she’s fully sated begin to ask some prepared questions that will lead her in the right (read: sexy) direction.

You need to find out if there is any deep-rooted attraction between the sisters, and if not, you must create some. It would help if you could get the sister involved by walking around the apartment in revealing outfits and engaging your girlfriend in tickle fights. These tickle fights will invariably lead to light petting, but don’t be too eager, you may scare them away! Let your girlfriend get comfortable, and then have her sister casually suggest the idea of a threesome.

Remember, it’s of crucial importance that you do not bring up the topic yourself. That would make you a horrible horrible person. If all goes well you’ll be in for the best weekend of your life, and if not you might as well fuck the sister because she sounds awesome.

Oh, and unless there’s a sure thing waiting for you on the waiver wire. The two situations are fairly similar actually. Think of Felix as your girlfriend (your big, freakishly athletic girlfriend) and the potential waiver wire pick up as your girlfriend’s sister. Sure you’d love to have them both, but some asshole made up some rules that prohibit such things. No matter, you must decide which is more important, the long-term potential of a relationship with Felix, or the immediate gratification of the free agent that clearly wants you to tittyfuck her.

Oh, and send pictures. Right now. Seriously, if you don’t send the fucking pictures I’m telling your girlfriend. Then I’ll fuck her sister for sport just to teach you a lesson.

God bless.

KSK,

-Chad

How long you wait before resuming your one-man party is not something that anyone can answer definitively. The answer must come from deep within you. Fortunately your body will provide you with a telltale sign that it’s ready to get back on the horse.

As for Romo, keep him on the bench for now. You’ll need his bitch ass down the stretch.

Gentlemen,

-Charley

You need to get into this girl’s head, which isn’t too hard, because women are all fucking nuts and easily manipulated (except of course for my girlfriend who is totally sane and strong-minded). Tell this girl that you like how she’s not totally obsessed with her body image like all the skinny girls you date. Then find an opportunity to tell her that her ass sort of resembles her favorite player, LenDale White. You certainly won’t be getting laid right then and there, but you’ve planted the seed for a hate fuck down the road. Only it will be her hate fucking you. Much easier that way.

A few dilemmas. At WR, who do I start among Derrick Mason, Steve Breaston, DeSean Jackson, and Kevin Curtis? And at RB, who do I start among Jones-Drew , Derrick Ward, Tim Hightower, and Correl Buckhalter? By the way, yes, my team is terrible. Also, is it possible to execute an Alaskan Firedragon?

-Jon G.

Only in Wasilla.

I’d answer your fantasy question, but you didn’t bother to tell me how many of those wide receivers you start. That’s because you’re a dumbass, which is why you’re stuck with such a shitty team to begin with. Go with MJD and Hightower as your backs.

Dear KSK,

Irv

Come on Dad, that shit isn’t funny anymore.
Seriously though, take her bidet shopping. This way you can give her the not-so-subtle hint while she’s too distracted by shopping to be pissed. Or you could just shut the fuck up and consider yourself lucky that you have a woman at all, even if she is unclean.

Buffalo is tough at home, but Pittsburgh has the stingiest pass defense in the league, so I’d lean towards Favre.

In one of the later rounds of my fantasy draft this year, I picked up Michael Turner. My problem is that I seem to start him at the wrong time. When he went bananas on the Lions for 220 yards in Week 1, he was on the bench. But when he went 112 yards and no TDs over a two game span against Chicago and Philly? Of course he was starting! I fear the rest of the season I will be frustrated by not being on the same page with Michael Turner. As of right now, I’m starting him this week, because the Raiders are a fucking abortion of a football team, but I’m sure he’ll probably have something like 18 attempts for 45 yards and a fumble.

-Jim

Your girlfriend is lying in a fiendish attempt to encourage you further. Don’t fall for it, just finish whenever you’re ready.

Turner is quite a bit like your girlfriend’s vagina. No, he’s not soft, pink, and bald, he’s totally unpredictable. Remember, a watched pot never boils, a girl who says she’s about to cum is not going to do so anytime soon, and you can never be sure when Turner will go off, you just want to still be in it when he does.

My wife found evidence of me following NSFW links on our home computer. Ever since, she’s been an animal in the sack (dirty talk, aggression (the good kind), sexy costumes, etc.). Should I be concerned, or just enjoy the ride?

- Happy Guy

Concerned about what? Your dick falling off from all the great sex? Man up, Nancy, and play Silky Garrard in Cincinnati.

Dear Penthouse Forum,

EVERY SINGLE KSK READER HAW HAW HAW

Yep, these are Bill Simmons’ former readers…

Image via Flickr