LeBron James loves football, attention. LeBron James still pines for the sport he left behind in high school, and he’s not too humble to tell people he could still be a “really good” receiver in the NFL. Of course James isn’t stopping there. The Cleveland Cavaliers superstar has decided to quit basketball in deference to his idol Michael Jordan. “[Jordan] can’t get the logo, and if he can’t, something has to be done. I feel like no NBA player should play basketball. I’m starting a petition, and I’ve got to get everyone in the NBA to sign it. Now, if I’m not going to play basketbal, then nobody else should be able to play basketball.” [AP]

Rape is certainly no laughing matter, despite the fact that we poke fun at it on a near hourly basis on this blog. But in the real world, it isn’t. That is, unless a woman fabricates a patently ludicrous story of a rape or assault by a celebrity, then that’s a whole ‘nother story. It’s the tender tale of Fake Rape. And it’s the laugh riot of the year. Two such examples cropped up just before this 2009 season got underway. Now that the accused square off on the football field, with nothing on their mind than a little permissible forced entry, we examine the accusers and their lying lies that aren’t true. So, WHO YA GOT?

NEW YORK- Sources within the commissioner’s office report that Roger Goodell is launching an internal investigation into the possible gang related activities of NFL superstar Adrian Peterson. Suspicions arose when images of the Minnesota Vikings running back surfaced on the internet blog site Gobbler Country showed him holding a large firearm alongside his similarly attired friends.

While Peterson’s associates cannot be identified in the photos it’s apparent by their matching outfits that they are a fellow members of the football player’s illicit organization. Gangs such as Peterson’s typically feature specific colors by which members are recognized and rivals are identified. In this case the Commissioner’s office has reason to believe Peterson has started a camouflage gang, all the better to stay hidden from authorities while remaining in plain sight.

No one within the NFL could be reached for comment.

[Gobbler Country]

Update: This post was written before I read the news of the missing Air France plane. I pulled the post with the intention of re-posting it at a later date, but it’s already showing up on RSS feeds so I’m just putting it back up now. I mean no offense, but if you don’t want to read a satirical post about a quarterback being lost at sea on the same day that a commercial plane was lost at sea then you should just skip over this one.

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This is Dr. James Andrews, and if you follow professional sports you’re probably familiar with his work. It is Andrews’ nimble fingers that have been responsible for breathing the life back into hundreds of lame limbs from all across the sporting spectrum, and now he’s taking on Brett Favre’s bum bicep. Clearly the man has gone mad with power. (more…)

1. The only porn that does it for me is a good rape scene. And I’m not talking about that staged bullshit. The Belicock demands real tears.

2. I was the captain of the Wesleyan Lacrosse team, but you probably could have surmised as much.

3. I am an even bigger douchebag than you can begin to imagine. Number 2 on this list is just the tip of the iceberg.

4. I have developed four new methods to properly skin a cat. The hard part is keeping them alive.

5. Art Modell stole my idea to move the Browns.

6. I keep the clippings from every haircut I’ve ever had at a storage facility in New Jersey.

7. I’m pen-pals with Kim Jong-il. Good guy. Misunderstood.

8. Grumble.

9. I hired private investigators to follow every prospect we scout for the NFL Draft.

10. Plus I have a mole in every other team’s war room.

11. Scott Pioli is a figment of my imagination.

12. Never bought American Apparel hoodies. I want the soft touch only child labor can provide.

13. Bobby Knight is a fucking pussy.

14. I once fired an assistant coach for showing up to the practice facility wearing the very same sweatshirt I had briefly considered wearing.

15. I always piss clear.

16. And i always shit green.

17. I’m giving up two things for Lent this year. Carbs and forced sodomy.

18. I induced Tedy Bruschi’s stroke as a team-building exercise. He seemed cool with it.

19. My second toes were longer than my big toes so I ground them down to fall in line.

20. I have a cat named Bonkers whose life I value more than any human in my life.

21. Yes, I skinned Bonkers.

22. I fashioned a crude ushanka out of his pelt.

23. While you were reading this I was fucking your wife in your bed.

24. You need new sheets.

25. And a new bed.

1. I never feel more needed then when I fetch Mister Snyder’s slippers after his evening bath.

2. I was born with the same exact teeth I have today.

3. I offered Adam Dunn $25 million, but he signed with the Nationals instead.

4. I tried to molest every single kid on the set of Kindergarten Ninja, but their parents were always hovering around like buzzards circling my career.

5. I still use the name Sergeant Antonelli as an alias when meeting children for the first time. I’ve found it puts them at ease. Stupid children.

6. I cut my own hair.

7. The only book I’ve ever read is How to Succeed In Business Without Ever Trying.

8. I once successfully landed a big-name recruit at Notre Dame by kidnapping the player’s kid sister. Don’t worry though, I let her out of the closet in the coach’s office as soon as his eligibility ran out.

9. I drive a Dodge Stratus.

10. I wear both my National Champion ring and a Super Bowl Ring at all times. You don’t see them because they’re on my cock.

11. If things don’t work out with the Redskins I’ve been promised a job operating the Flying Carousel at new Six Flags Dubailand.

12. I stopped sleeping 20 years ago.

13. My pores excrete an as-of-yet unidentified viscous substance when I feel threatened.

14. I’m still holding out hope that one day my other testicle will descend. Stubborn little fucker.

15. I wish people would call me Il Duce without me having to ask them.

16. During the season I’ve been known to sleep at the foot of Mister Snyder’s bed like an obedient dog.

17. One time my laughter attracted the interest of a hyena during mating season.

18. I’m on the governments “no fly” list because i once bit a flight attendant in the neck. Thank god for private planes.

19. I suffer from halitosis.

20. I am 1/32nd vampire.

21. Are we almost done? We just fired the guy that used to handle all of my counting duties.

22. Lou Holtz gave me a job, but only after taking my virginity.

23. I used to wrestle in Mexico under the alias “El Burro Impotente”

24. I have never taken a bowel movement.

25. Spit roasting is easily the best way to cook fresh puppy. If you’re using canned puppy then you sicken me to my very core.

Image via The Bog

Welcome to an exciting Super Bowl edition of Always Be Covering, the internet’s most guaranteed gambling advice column insomuch as we guarantee that it provides gambling advice. Before we get to the big pick we have a special treat, an actual no-holds-barred (except the cross-face chicken wing) interview with Santonio Holmes of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Continue after the jump for all the fun.

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Hi, I’m Brady Quinn, the new starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. Now I may not be a Californian, but I’m here today to encourage you gay-loving liberals to come to your senses and vote Yes on Proposition 8.

Oh my god Tim, get your hands out of my pants, I’m trying to talk to the people here!

As I was saying, gay rights aren’t important, otherwise Jesus would have written a chapter about them in the Bible.

Seriously Tim, you can play with my balls all you want after I’m done.

Now if you want to be gay that’s your own business, but you guys should really keep in behind closed doors. You know, like inside of a closet.

Tim: Or out on a lake!

I swear to God, Tim, if you don’t shut up there won’t be any reacharound for you later.

So when you’re out there voting for President McCain today, be sure to vote Yes on Prop 8 to keep the sanctity of the heterosexual marriage pure.

Now Tim would you please assist me with this dutch rudder?

Welcome to the latest edition of the KSK Fantasy Football/Sex Advice Mailbag, the only place on the internet to seek advice on your flex position as well as your sex positions. We have a lot to cover, so continue after the jump to dive in to all of the week’s best emails.

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