Kissing Suzy Kolber » IT’S BACK! http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com KSK is a humor site dedicated solely to the NFL. Thu, 09 Feb 2012 21:45:44 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Early Games: Marquee Matchups, Land Baron, Stafford and Sanchez Debuts, Ocho Tweets and Forced Revenue Sharing http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/09/early-games-marquee-matchups-land-baron-stafford-and-sanchez-debuts-ocho-tweets-and-forced-revenue-sharing.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/09/early-games-marquee-matchups-land-baron-stafford-and-sanchez-debuts-ocho-tweets-and-forced-revenue-sharing.html#comments Sun, 13 Sep 2009 16:18:35 +0000 Christmas Ape http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=18691 mcnabbdancedelhomme

Sunday again, Sunday again, jiggity jig. The early frame is highlighted by the twin bill of four playoff teams from last year, the Panthers-Eagles and Falcons-Dolphins. This being Week 1, there are no truly inconsequential games, just horribly lopsided ones. Let’s look at the remainder of the slate of, what? Football? Yes, glorious, glorious football.

  • Brittfar gets his first start? Hey, great. Wake me when he’s injured. Will T.O. be the first one to break the news that Derek Anderson is brought in in the second half?
  • Jerrah Jones was reportedly fined at least 100,000 by the Ginger Hammer for talking bad about revenue sharing. YEEEE HAAAWWWWW I AIN’T NO DANG SOCIALIST! Meanwhile, the Cowboys are playing the Bucs and we all pray for the early season hilarity that would spring from a surprise loss.
  • Denver, the team Simmons’ retardedly picked to go 10-6, hosts baby-kissing Estaban Ochocinco, his ghostwritten Twitter feed and his wedding dick packing compatriots from Georgetown College. Broncos win? Chai please.
  • New Orleans at Detroit is just the sort of on-paper fantasy bonanza that has Drew Brees owners salivating their keyboards into short circuiting, meaning, of course, Jim Schwartz will find a way to make this only a 20-10 Saints win.
  • The only way the Jags-Colts tilt is interesting is if the Colts lose, thus setting off a frenzy of doubt in the new Jim Caldwell regime. That or MJD fails to fulfill the promise of emerging to top-flight fantasy status and cedes half his carries to Rashad Jennings, plunging many a top 3 drafter into heavy late summer drinking.
  • The Chiefs, one of those teams that fired their offensive coordinator within the last two weeks and starting Brodie Croyle (!), have the privilege of getting steamrolled by the Ravens in Bawlmer. I have enough confidence in the highlight shows to capture the Todd Haley meltdowns, meaning I don’t have to spend any lengthy amount of time with this bloodbath.

    • As a Whitlock-approved bonus, here’s the Uncle Rico Jeff George tryout tape after the jump. Does your team need a quarterback capable of throwing behind uncovered receivers running slant routes? Line starts over there, guys.

    ]]>     http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/09/early-games-marquee-matchups-land-baron-stafford-and-sanchez-debuts-ocho-tweets-and-forced-revenue-sharing.html/feed 228     Rugged Doe-Eyed Peach-Fuzzed Elisha vs. The Zorn Star. WHO YA GOT? http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/09/rugged-doe-eyed-peach-fuzzed-elisha-vs-the-zorn-star-who-ya-got.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/09/rugged-doe-eyed-peach-fuzzed-elisha-vs-the-zorn-star-who-ya-got.html#comments Thu, 04 Sep 2008 12:15:25 +0000 Christmas Ape http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=3572

    Contestants

    Eli Manning_________________________________Jim Zorn

    Nickname

    “Easy”______________________________________”Who?”

    Hobbies

    Antiquing, Karaoke, Squash_____________DJing, whitewater kayaking, zamboni driving, pottery making, mountain climbing

    Led The NFL In Interceptions

    Last year (tie)________________________________1976

    Will Never Live Up To

    Nobody! He’s the man now!_____Joe Gibbs, even the befuddled version who didn’t know what he was doing

    Lucky To Be Rid Of

    Jeremy Shockey______________Gregg Williams, Al Saunders

    Destined To

    Throw another 20 picks this year____________Start Colt Brennan under duress of idiot ‘Skins fans

    Finishing Move

    Getting back on Giants’ fans badside by Week 6___________Being a stopgap until they hire a real coach

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