Batman might have grossed $155 million in its opening weekend compared to Eyetie Spidey’s lesser take of a couple million Internet dollars, but at least the actor who plays Italo Spiderman doesn’t yell at his mom. Actually, given his propensity for hitting women, he probably has done what Christian Bale was suspecting of doing. But at least he didn’t fling the mustache at her.

Just when I was beginning to dread the coming of the next and final installment of the Eyetie Spidey saga, the end of this episode indicates this is merely the first part some grand capolavoro that will forever change the way we think about girl punching and jump cuts.

An added discovery is that there’s a blog covering the various production details of this dizzyingly fantastical series. What’s more, IT’S GOTS FAN ART!

I don’t think I’m out of line when I say a mural of that should be placed on at least one large building in the downtown area of every metropolis across our great nation. Or inked somewhere on that annoying Patriots helmet tat guy. It may be his only hope.

With only two webisodes (even Stan Lee groans at that) left in the can, Eyetie Spidey seems to be hurdling to an exciting conclusion, one hopefully steeped in girl punches. After exerting control over the penguins, he’s finally enlisted his spider friends to help. And none too soon. Looks like he ran out of smokes.

Sorry to break up the flubkkake, but it’s time for this week’s installment of Italian Spiderman. It holds all the hallmarks of Eyetie Spidey greatness: shoving big-tittied girls and taking time fighting villains to take drags on your cigarette.

And though you may think me a dork for loving this, at least I’m not one of the people who voted Wall-E THE SIXTH BEST FUCKING MOVIE OF ALL-TIME! Okay, it’s the best movie so far this year, but then again, it’s July. Everything worthwhile comes out the final three months. So far, it’s Wall-E, Iron Man, In Bruges and a bunch of forgettable booshit. Let’s not go overboard for the cute robot.

It saddened me in my foramen magnum to see Italian Spidey off his game last week. That’s why it’s all the more joyous to see him return to form with the winning formula of laughable effects and girl punching.

Haters can keep talking shit on Eyetie Spidey, my eggplant avenger. I just chiamo i pinguini on you. Attenzione!

Back by popular Ape’s demand is your friendly nabeyhood uomo ragno! There are not as many jokes as in previous installments, but who am I to argue with plot advancement? There are only supposed to be 10 of these things, so they gotta move it along, I guess. Time is money and whatnot. You guys you should probably find some former owners of a hip-hop label. They’ll throw money at anything!

It comes as news to me that the filmmakers are from Australia and are therefore probably related to Heath Ledger. Sorry, blokes, at least it looks like he did a good job in The Dark Knight, which the cream in my pants just creamed itself as soon as I thought about it.

I was on a conference call phone interview with Ledger when he was promoting The Four Feathers in 2002. Some other college writer dipshit asked if people in his hometown of Perth built cannons and fired them as a celebratory rite. He laughed and called the kid an idiot. That’s when I knew he’d die of an OD. It’s all in the intonation.