A couple recurring themes this week, in both the letters we answer and the multitudes upon multitudes we simply didn’t have room or time for. Primarily, fantasy owners are worried about the slow starts from Matt Forte and Steve Slaton, and a surprisingly high number of you don’t know if you should start Felix Jones even though Marion Barber pulled his quadriceps. Oh, and you all have messed up notions of what women should be willing to do in the bedroom, but that’s nothing new.

Let’s kick things off with an email that will make you feel better about your miserable life, shall we?

KSK,
Football: Pick 2. MJD vs Texans, D-Will vs Cowboys, Felix Jones vs Panthers, or Cadillac vs Giants. I’m leaning towards MJD just cause of what Chris Johnson did last week and Felix cause it looks like MB3 is out.

Sex: what’s the cleanest way to jerk off in your room? I don’t want to use socks or any clothes cause i don’t want to do laundry that often. i never get people who can just use some kleenex cause it’ll be all messy and stuff, and it’s a drag to clean up after you’ve blown your load.
-AL

So let’s get this straight: you’re looking on tips for masturbation clean-up, because you’re too lazy to do laundry and tissue is supposedly too messy (um, it’s not: you just throw the Kleenex away). I’d recommend masturbating in the shower, but I get the feeling that’s “too much effort” and “unnecessarily cleansing.” AND you need advice on whether to start Maurice Jones-Drew, a consensus top-four draft pick who’s averaging 103 yards a week.

Yes, start MJD and Felix. Next question.

Kind sirs,
Sex first, as it should be. Recently my friend was afflicted with a crippling case of yellow fever. I think he needs to make an effort to get the blinders off, as he is severely limiting his options. His argument is that, because a girl being Asian is such a turn on right now for him, he has expanded his interests to girls who don’t usually get as much attention and his hook up prospects are actually better. What’s the official KSK take on this?

The official KSK take is mind your own damn business and let your friend be interested in the girls he’s attracted to.

Football: I start 3 WR in a standard scoring league, no ppr. Calvin Johnson and Santonio Holmes are locks. Who should fill my third hole out [hee hee! -Ed.] of Jerricho Cotchery (vs. Ten), Percy Harvin (SF), and Patrick Crayton (Car)?

Tough call. Cotchery has the most yards of any of the three but hasn’t found the end zone yet this year. Harvin’s fantasy points are a little higher because he’s gotten into the end zone each of the first two weeks, which is nice but you can’t reasonably expect it every week. And as for Crayton, well, Carolina sucks. I don’t think any of them are a bad option as a #3 this week, but I’d probably lean toward Harvin.

Dear Mogrels of Manmeat,

Mogrels?

sexy time first: So I started seeing this girl about a month ago, and about 2 weeks ago we made the sex for the first time. Well, since then, its been nonstop aggression on her part to do it all the time. This is awesome, I get it. This is not my question. The other day I was over at her place and the second I walked in she locked me into her room to do the deed. A bit later after we had finished and started cooking dinner, she accosted me again. After dinner she again takes me into her room for round 3. In retrospect this is a great evening, but by round 3 I was worried that between the restrictions of a condom and an empty tank, I wouldn’t be able to “perform” up to par. So I was hesitating a bit and didn’t go along too much. So then she says “what can I do to make you have sex with me?”. For some reason a total asshole douche took over my brain and I said, “try not being so easy”. What I meant to convey was “try playing hard to get” or something less dick and offensive like that. That didn’t go over well. I’ll spare you the details, but she hasn’t responded to my calls, emails, or texts since. I’m not an asshole, just a fucking idiot. Got any suggestions for my next move?

Unsilent: Sounds like she’s just playing hard to get like you asked.

Well, sometimes guys just blow it. Admittedly, that wondrous and small percentage of the female population that crave dick all the time can get frustrating, especially in the clingy aftermath when she’s trying to jump-start your dick and you just want her to magically turn into a sandwich.

Can you get her back? I dunno, part of it depends on her ability to forgive, and part of it depends on the detail of your apology. If you haven’t already laid out a full explanation and apology in an email that includes everything you find great about her and — this part is important — where you’d like to try to take the once-burgeoning relationship, then you should do that. Otherwise, considering your previous texts/voicemails/emails, it may be best to accept defeat and move on.

Football: 2 lineup recommendations for a 14 team, non PPL league, all regular scoring. Favre v SF, or Warner (yep my QBs combined ago is 80ish, so what?) v Indy. Flex position do I use C Stuckey v Tenn or Leon Washington v Tenn?
-Stupid and sexless

Warner and Washington.

Prominent Procurers of Poon:
Sex: My first wife died about three years ago of ovarian cancer.

Jack Black in High Fidelity: “Drag.” *takes bite of sandwich*

Sorry, I just think about that scene every time someone says something sad.

I’m only 42 and have been dating again for the past year or so, and I’m getting serious with a really cool woman in her mid-thirties. Problem: I have a tattoo of my first wife’s name on my shoulder. We were totally batshit in love, and I had no worries about getting the tattoo because I was sure she would outlive me. My new girlfriend didn’t freak about the ink since I had already told her the story, but now that we’re considering moving in together, she says she doesn’t want the tat to be there over the long term — she’s fine with my other ink, just not that one. I totally understand her concern, but my wife was a naughty little saint and I feel a lot of guilt about either removing the tattoo or covering it with another design. I’m not asking who’s right — I think we both are — but who has priority in terms of standing their ground?

On one hand, I see her point. It’s reasonable to not want your lover to have the name of a previous amour tattooed on them. On the other hand, FUCK THAT NOISE. It’s not like your dead wife is gonna steal you away from your new girlfriend. I think she needs to have a little sympathy here.

Fantasy: In auction drafting AP, Slaton, Julius Jones, and Rivers, I used most of my salary cap and ended up with a mediocre group of WRs (Cribbs, Holt, Avery). Cribbs is okay because we score on kick returns, and I’ve picked up Kenny Britt and Johnny Knox, who look promising but aren’t reliable yet. In the short term, my WR corps is weak. I’m looking to trade either Slaton or Jones for a legit WR, but I’m not sure how much trade value they have given their underperformance so far. We start a QB, 2 RBs, and 3 WRs (no flex) in a PPR league. What’s the trade value of either Slaton or Jones right now? Note: I have Slaton’s handcuff (C. Brown) and would be willing to trade him too for a premiere WR.
-Ted in Tedville

Slaton’s trade value is crap because he hasn’t performed up to snuff. Julius Jones had a good first week, but he isn’t the kind of back that’ll land you the kind of WR you want unless you package him with someone else.

I like the Knox pick-up. See how he does against Seattle’s beat-up D this Sunday before you go trading anyone.

Dear Knowers of All Things Poon,
My friends and I were watching Maury the other day and it was an episode about women who became men. The he/shes were jacked and were wearing man sweaters, and looked like dudes, but still had vaginas. Naturally the question was asked if you had sex with this person as a male, would that make you gay? One side says yes, because they’re a dude, the other says no, because they have a vagina. I’m trapped in the middle leaning towards kinda gay.

Trick question! You’re all gay for watching “Maury.”

Also I took Crabbytree in one of the latter rounds in my keeper league, do you think he’s going to play this year or is he purely a value pick for later on?
Thanks,
Horrified Trannywatcher

It doesn’t matter if Crabtree plays or not this year: even if he did come to terms in time to play, he’s not in game shape and he’s too far behind to be a worthwhile fantasy play. Wide receiver is a tough position to adjust to from college to the NFL, and that’s why there aren’t many rookie wideouts who have an immediate fantasy impact (Colston, Boldin, DeSean, and Megatron are some notable exceptions). But the ones that hold out and miss training camp don’t just magically catch up to speed and become playmakers during the season.

Dear Anthropomorphic Super Soakers (but with sperm),
Fantasy Football: Do you think I should Start Anquan Boldin when I have Devery Henderson, Bowe, Manningham, and Driver to start in the three possible roster slots?

I’d still start Boldin. You should always lean toward playing top-tier talent, even if they’ve been disappointing. You’re so deep at receiver you can afford to trade one of those guys to shore up another position where you’re weak — I’d try to trade Manningham while his value is at its peak — fantasy players always overvalue the most recent performance, especially if it’s nationally televised during primetime.

Sex: My girlfriend of six months won’t talk about her dating history beyond a two years ago, we’re both 26. It isn’t that she didn’t date, so I know there is something to talk about. She’s a recent transplant to the city, so all of her friends that I have met only have known her the two years. and I like her a lot but her refusal to talk about this is making me worried that one day, when I am in too deep, a giant ball of crazy will replace my girlfriend. Does this make me an asshole?
-Kyle

flubby provides this quote: “All them shy women that you meet, they never from the town you meet them in. They always from somewhere else. Then they come to your town and get shy. Get the fuck out of here. They afraid to talk because they think a bone is gonna fly out their mouth or some shit.” -Eddie Murphy, Raw

I don’t think you have to worry about a “giant ball of crazy.” It’s more likely she’s just ashamed of her dating past. It’s understandable to be concerned about her past, but speaking from experience here, it’s more important to dwell on how she treats you and makes you feel in the present and future than what she did in the past.

KSK,
football: I need one of these 3 for a PPR: not-so-fast Willie Parker @ CIN, Steve Smith the Lesser @ TB, or Lee Evans (yeah I’m the asshole who has Lee Evans) vs NO. I also start the high-promise no-reward trio of Forte, Randy Moss, and Portis.

Wow, that is a fantasy crap factory. As much as it pains me, I’d suggest Lee Evans because of the inevitable shootout the Saints will provide.

sex: I learned in high school that girls think my dad is hot. It’s weird to me, since I think of him as the guy who falls asleep on the couch with his gut hanging out and his hand in the Fritos bag, but throughout high school I couldn’t get laid to save my life but I had no shortage of female friends and acquaintances telling me how they wanted to sleep with my father. It sucked at the time, but then i got older and had better luck in college and now I like to think he finally looks old, but should I continue to be weirded out by this or just look forward to the fact that I’ll finally grow into my look when I’m 50 or so?

Which brings me to my present dilemma. My dad directs a church choir, which I used to be in and now am not, being older and with better things to do. 2 weeks ago he had to miss for an emergency and I filled in for him, which was fine, except now there’s an unquestionably hot older woman (40 I believe) in the choir who wants my sex. I’ve known her since I was in middle school(and she was in her 30s), and I wanted to fuck her then, and now that I actually can, I’m wondering if this would be a horribly bad idea/if it would put my dad in enough of an awkward spot if he ever found out to not go through with it? It probably would, but then again how often does one get to fulfill one’s middle school sex fantasies?
Sincerely,
Silver Fox in Training

flubby:

Gentlemen,

What are your feelings about guys owning a male masturbator? I think it would be a nice change of pace from my right hand, but I hesitate to buy one because it seems really creepy. Sex toys seem to be something used exclusively by females. Am I being irrational, or should we just add this to the list of sexual double standards for men and women?

You know what’s a good change of pace from your right hand? Your left.

Off-limits if you ever want to have sex with a woman: fleshlights, RealDolls, pocket pussies, and whatever else is offered in the male sex toy category. Acceptable: pretty much any kind of porn on the Internet. Trust me, that’s enough.

As for fantasy, how worried should I be about Matt Forte?
Thanks,
CJ

Only mildly. Man, everybody’s shitting their pants after two weeks. This Sunday, Forte’s going up against a Seahawks defense that will be missing game-changing DT Brandon Mebane, while MLB Lofa Tatupu is doubtful. If he still disappoints, you can raise the Matt Forte Warning Level from ochre to burnt sienna.

Staff,
Football: I have Steve Slaton and Joseph Addai on my roster and really haven’t gotten shit out of them in the first two weeks. I have the Eagle’s D who feasted on Carolina, but got torched by Breesus. Are either of these guys valuable trade bait for a different D or should I just hope for a turn around and play the wire for a good weekly D matchup?

Yeah, and that’s the same Eagles D that gave you somewhere between 25 and 40 points during Week 1. If you trade any of your skill position players for a different defense you’re a fucking idiot.

Sex: I am proud to say that my wife gave birth to our second daughter in July, but unlike our first daughter she is nursing now. The result of her nursing has been one breast hanging out about 50% of the day, which 3 years ago would have been good stuff. I have been helping out as much as I can and inadvertantly have seen a lot of breast feeding in action. I am hoping that one of the writers with kids can help me out here. Will I ever be able to enjoy myself with those warlocks or will the image of my 7 lb. baby nursing be forever burnt in my memory? Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life without enjoying my wife’s sweet sweet titties?
-Boobless in Bloomington.

flub: After having to do without for months, I’m sure you’ll be back at those funbags first chance you get. I know I did.

Dear guys I’m using to try and rationalize my bad behavior (fantasy and sex-wise),
I’m a 5th year senior and last friday I fooled around with two hot freshman at the same time. We weren’t sober the first time but the second time we were. I feel like the gods of ass were going through a checklist and somebody yelled, “Hey! We’ve really fucked this guy and he’s about to graduate. Throw him two hot freshman and a three-way.” My friends say I’m a creep. What’s your take?

Our take is you’re bragging online about your conquest. Eat a dick.

Also, my running back situation is Steven Jackson and DMac with YesShawn, Beanie Wells and Cedric Benson on the bench. My WR’s are Colston, Moss (the good one, football-wise) and Chad85. Who are you starting this week with a 2/2/flex league. It’s a 10 team league so I’m considering selling high on Colston or 85 and getting another RB, too…
Sincerely,
Winger Fan

Start all three of those wideouts. And yes, your running backs suck. Benson’s actually not a bad play: he consistently gets 20-25 touches, and the Bengals don’t use a secondary back to vulture any goal-line carries. But I’d still probably start Jackson and McFadden, because I’m a pussy.

Wyld Stallyns–
Football: Start 3–Felix (vs Carolina and assuming Marion bitches out), Tiny Darren (vs Miami, ditto for Latoe), Slaton (vs Jax), Mike Burner (@ Pats), McFadden (vs Denver), Addai (@ Ari)

Felix/Darren/Slaton.

That Sweet, That Nasty, That Gushy Stuff:

Just fucking write “sex,” okay? This is a 3000+ word column in which we leave out thousands more words worth of other people’s emails. Stop being cute.

While any sex is enjoyable, I really like freaky stuff–I don’t care if I am the one dishing it out or taking it, but in particular I feel that sex is only enjoyable if somebody is being dominated (obviously with mutual consent).

What I don’t have is any blueprint for bringing this up/securing this in the bedroom…so do you guys have a ‘best practices’ for the ‘i would enjoy this more if you sat on my face and called me awful things’ sorts of conversation/follow through?
-gg all-in

Two ways to go about that: (1) a steady relationship, (2) Craigslist.

Dear KSK,
For some reason my cock is much longer (by at least a half inch) and has much more girth when I first wake up in the morning. I also tend to go longer by at least a few minutes. The problem is that my wife is the type that likes to sleep in and can be a complete bee-yatch before noon. How do I either get my cock bigger at night, or get my wife to want to fuck in the morning?

Sounds like you need to take a job where you work the third shift.

Football: Who are the top candidates to be stolen away from dumb owners who panic after the first two weeks? Brady comes to mind as a good target.
Thanks bitches

Judging by the dozens of emails we got about people freaking out about Steve Slaton and Matt Forte, I’d say Steve Slaton and Matt Forte.

Well, that was fun. Same time next week?