Tony: What song is this? Is this Jim Croce? Wait, I know this…

(gets to “na na na” part)

Tony: Oh, it’s “Hey Jude”! Of course it is. It must be Paul McCartney’s birthday today. The Beatles, of course, (clears throat) were founded in Liverpool, a town I have never been to and will never go to for as long as I live.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: The Beatles, as you know, were VERY, VERY popular here in the United States, what with Beatlemania and all. (clears throat) Then they went to India and started meditating (clears throat) and then everything just went right to hell.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: Wilbon, were you a Beatlemaniac?

(cue Wilbon on the phone)

Wilbon: Was I a Beatlemaniac? No, no I was not a Beatlemaniac. Beatlemaniacs were little girls who went and screamed their heads off outside the airport when the band landed. I had no interest in any of that junk. Not for me.

Tony: Where are you right now, Wilbon?

Wilbon: Where am I? I am in Maui for a golf tournament. You knew that, Tony.

Tony: So you haven’t been here (clears throat) to digest this whole drawn-out search for Jim Zorn, the new Redskins coach? Ol’ Zorny?! HOW CAN YOU MISS OL’ ZORNY?!

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Wilbon: No, I was not around for that. I was far, far away from that, and happily so. I’m just so glad I was in Maui playing golf during this whole silliness, Tony. You know me. I am an IN-SEASON guy. None of the hot stove silliness. I don’t CARE about who’s coaching the team, even if my readers do. I’m not here to serve them. I just want to see the players play and the coaches coach. I don’t care how they got there. I don’t want to know what their back story is. I don’t want to know any sort of human element behind the competition. That’s just a bunch of JUNK for all the crazed goons who listen to talk radio and all that nonsense. Anyone who’s interested in the machinations of their team is just a fool and not fit to read a newspaper. I would like to treat them with complete and utter disdain, because I am an important person who talks about important issues, which in turn makes me more important than normal people.

Tony: Okay, well screw all that anyway. (clears throat) The important thing is, DID YOU WATCH IDOL?! HAVE YOU SEEN THIS DAVID ARCHULETA KID?!

Wilbon: No, I have certainly NOT. I’m not into Idol, Tony. You know that. It’s nothing but a bunch of junk and foolishness. I don’t care for this whole reality TV business, with people making asses of themselves on TV. It’s ridiculous, and I am so far above it all, I can hear the prayers of all the small children of the world when they go to bed at night. By the way, I look forward to us wearing cop uniforms on PTI later today.

Tony: Me too. Thank you, Wilbon!

Wilbon: Thanks, Tony.

Tony: Michael Wilbon, boys and girls. Golfing in Maui. (clears throat) I’d like to golf in Maui. But I can’t go! I CANNOT go. I can NOT go to Maui. Ever.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: Eugene Robinson, political columnist for the Post is with us now (clears throat) to talk about the election. Eugene, rough night for Hillary, huh?

Eugene: It certainly was, Tony. And you know what I found fascinating was that the exit polling data showed a growing number of…

Tony: Yeah, yeah, screw all that. The important thing is: DID YOU WATCH IDOL?!

Eugene: Well, no. I’m a political reporter, and had to work during the course of the evening. But I did get a chance to see David Archuleta, and he was…

Tony: He was great! He was GREAT! I mean, (clears throat) he is by no means Barry White, but I thought (clears throat) he was just FABULOUS!

Eugene: But other than that, I had to watch the election returns.

Tony: Wonderful. Thank you, Eugene.

Eugene: Talk to you later, Tony.

Tony: Yeah, I’m liking this season of Idol.

WaPo-Appointed Studio Lapdog For Tony: It’s not bad.

Tony: They’re not a bad group, right? Of course, (clears throat) it’s easy to top last year’s Idol, (clears throat) which was just a TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE season. It was just a bunch of DOPES. Probably all back working at Chuck E. Cheeses by now.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: I’m sorry, but it’s true. I’M CYNICAL! I’M SARCASTIC! Who do we have on the phone next. Is it you, Junior?

John Feinstein: Hey, Tony. Hey, do you know if I left a pair of brown suede gloves at your house the other night?

Tony: Hmm. I don’t recall seeing them.

John Feinstein: I think I left them on the table in entranceway. They were very simple brown suede gloves. Did you see them?

Tony: Oh, I think I may have! How do you want (clears throat) to arrange for picking them up?

John Feinstein: Well, if you could simply leave them by the door, somewhat off to the side, perhaps obscured by a bush, that would be fabulous. Oh, and did your wife get the cassoulet recipe from my wife?

Tony: I believe she did.

John Feinstein: Great, great. Did you still need help moving that desk at your house?

Tony: Well, let me explain what happened with the desk. I, (clears throat) as you know, CANNOT fix anything.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: Can’t fix anything at all. Anyway, (clears throat) we have this lovely desk that my wife found at a consignment shop. Very gorgeous, hand-crafted. Anyway, we had to move it (clears throat) so that the contractors could install the toilet. So anyway…

(cut to 90 minutes later)

Tony: …so the desk can’t be moved. Are we still on the air? You know, (clears throat) I completely forgot we were talking to some sort of audience. Anything else you want to add, Junior?

John Feinstein: Buy my new book, “Living on the Black”. I know Coach K. George Bush is a prick. I have several extremely liberal viewpoints. Army-Navy is an unmatched tradition in sports. Random golf anecdote. I wish Georgetown would play in my charity basketball tourney, but John Thompson is a dick. Bob Knight is an asshole. We need to get rid of guns in this country. Did you know I write books for children too? I think Gary Williams is exasperated about something.

Tony: Okay, thank you, Junior!

John Feinstein: I really wish you’d stop calling me that. It’s fucking annoying.

Tony: Joe Barber joins us now with movie reviews. Joe, are you gearing up for Oscar season?

Joe Barber: I am indeed!

Tony: DID YOU WATCH IDOL?!

Joe Barber: No, but this is a very good time to revisit some of the films up for Best Picture at the Oscars.

Tony: Who’s the host this year? Is it that Jon Hewitt?

Joe Barber: Jon Stewart, host of “The Daily Show”

Tony: Okay, well (clears throat) I saw him once. He’s a DOPE. Just horribly, horribly unfunny. Terrible comedian.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Joe Barber: Okay.

Tony: So, tell me about some of these movies.

Joe Barber: Well, there’s “No Country For Old Men”, which is from the Coen Brothers.

Tony: Okay now, who are they?

Joe Barber: They’re very prominent directors.

Tony: Well, tell me about this movie.

Joe Barber: Okay. Well, Josh Brolin plays a sort of ne’r do well who finds this bag of money out in the middle of nowhere in Texas, and then (proceeds to give away entire plot and ending of film).

Tony: Now, should I go see this movie?

Joe Barber: Probably not, now that you know everything that happens.

Tony: I see. Is this the movie with the guy with the haircut? I have not seen it and I’m quite sure (clears throat) I would hate it and that it is a terrible, terrible movie. And I’m sure these Cogan Brothers (clears throat) are just a couple of DOPES.

Joe Barber: Actually, it’s quite a good film. Have you watched a movie within the past four decades?

Tony: Thank you, Joe!

Joe Barber: Thank you, Tony.

Tony: Joe Barber, boys and girls. I received a very nice letter in the mail from Janice Thompson of Frederick, Maryland today. (clears throat) It’s a very nice, very lovely card. And she sent me a very nice box of glazed apricots, which was also very nice. (clears throat) So thank you, Janice. I will eat them while I look at my new desk, which CANNOT be moved.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: I’m Tony Kornheiser, and this is 3WT Radio.

(clears throat)

Tom: [visibly shaking] Ladies and gentlemen, I am honored and humbled to introduce you to the greatest being that I’ve ever had the pleasure of worshiping. The new Head Coach, Vice President of Football Operations, General Manager, and Spiritual Leader of the Washington Redskins, L. RON HUBBARD! [faints]

L-Ron: [swallows a bottle of pills with a swig of rum] That’s right, it’s me, L. Ron Hubbard, the greatest mind of this, the last, or any future century. After conquering the world through religion and mastering dozens of lesser pursuits I’ve decided to return to public life by conquering the NFC East. There are going to be a lot of changes around here. For starters, I’ve eliminated the threat of squirreling by sending Vinny Cerrato off for some RPF. Additionally, I have replaced Gregg Williams with my associate David Miscavige while I will personally take over the offense from Al Saunders. Both coaches have been sent to an undisclosed location for purifs. I assure you that as leader of the offensive pursuit I will keep Xenu contained within his electric mountain trap.

Tom: Mr. Hubbard will now honor the local media by listening to their questions.

Maske: What was all that about containing Xenu?

L-Ron: Did I say Xenu? I meant the Dallas pass rush.

Arch: What is the nature of your relationship with Mr. Cruise?

L-Ron: He’s a favorite pet of mine. He’s like the Jean Grey to my Christmas Ape, right down to the bite marks.

George: Mr. Hubbard, aren’t you dead?

L-Ron: Aren’t you?

George: Touché. [vanishes]

Steinz: Do you have a favorite gouda?

L-Ron: It’s all gouda with me, my man.

Steinz: That’s it, I love this guy.

Bram: I’m Bram Weinstein!

L-Ron: And we’re all very happy for you.

La Canfora: I’d like to go on record as saying that this is a terrible hire by a pathetic franchise with an incompetent owner.

L-Ron: When’s the last time you had your thetans checked?

La Canfora: What qualifies you for this job?

L-Ron: Hell, I’ve been circling Africa in my boat for nearly twenty-two years surviving on nothing but rum, uppers, downers, moldy wild mushrooms, and the occasional injection in my ass, so I’ve had a lot of time to prepare for this new turn in my life.

La Canfora: That’s all well and good, but how does that make you any more competent than Joe Gibbs?

L-Ron: I can assure you of my success because I have already discovered it within myself. If that doesn’t satisfy your readers than I’m not sure what kind of simpletons are reading Redskins Insider.

La Canfora: You have no idea.

Thom: Thom Loverro, Washington Ti … [inaudible squeaking] … [dogs howling in the distance]

Howard: Why does everybody at ESPN think I’m gay?

Andy: Why aren’t I more popular?

Maske: Ex-

L-Ron: HEY! Let’s get the focus back up on me where it belongs.

Tony: [exasperated] What am I doing here? I haven’t been to a press conference since the first Bush/Gibbs administration! Can somebody push back my reservation at the Palm? Ask for Tommy!

Maske: Excuse me Mr. Hubbard I have an important ques-

Wilbon: Is this being televised? [into cellphone] Wanda, I don’t see any cameras here!

Wise: You guys all need to mellow out. Back in Hawaii things were so much more chill.

Czabe (via text): Do you think it would be better for the team if you were to step aside?

Les: WHO WANTS A PIECE OF THE CARP?!

L-Ron: [whispering to Tom Cruise] These guys are fuckin’ daffy!

Tom: [shouting to L-Ron] How many more levels do I have to buy my way through before I get to touch you?!

Jim Vance: Ain’t this some shit?