A Steelers-Packers Super Bowl is worse than dying a thousand painful, lingering deaths. However, there’s solace to be found in the fact that both teams have redneck fan-bases who love nothing better than making fools of themselves on YouTube for our enjoyment. This Packers video starts out as a Star Wars tribute, but then takes a decidedly unexpected left turn. Let’s examine its finer points in detail.

0:09 – I’m pretty sure the Star Wars intros had more than one word of text per line. FIX YO TYPOGRAPY!

0:16 – Still with this stuff? Feel free to FF a bit.

0:59 – I disagree. Aaron Rodgers is a “Han”, not a “Luke”. Would Luke photobomb every Jedi Academy class photo? No, but Han would.

1:05 – “His teammates couldn’t quite put a finger on it, but suddenly Ben was much more lovable than before.”

1:15 – Is “The Catepillar of Truth” related to the “Crickitt of Proper Spelling”

1:20 – Okay, that’s kinda bad ass.

1:24 – Desmond Bishop is insulted that his effort this season did not warrant a poster-board jersey taped to a backhoe.

1:38 – Xmas Ape just called his realtor.

2:02 – There’s no way this was actually shot in Green Bay—the meth lab would have instantly exploded from the force of the backhoe’s impact.

2:08 – So, did they just forget about the whole Star Wars thing? These directorial decisions are starting to remind me of Lethal Weapon 5.

2:34 – Given high hourly rentals, not to mention the cost of diesel, the operator of this backhoe is rather inefficient. He could stand to take a few pointers from Israeli demolition experts. Man, those guys go through cheap Palestinian drywall like crap through a goose.

2:39 – Not to nitpick, but I gotta say– the balloons detract from an otherwise macho vibe.

2:47 – Greenbay?

Why even mess with the Star Wars motif when you’ve got this great industrial mayhem to share? This is merely the latest in a line of sorry Lucas imitations. Not as bad as “Phantom Menace”, but close.

0:05 – Gastineau won Superstars in 1985, joining the ranks of former champions such as Tom Petranoff, of javelin fame, and water-skiing’s Wayne Grimditch. Gastineau. Petranoff. Grimditch. Throw in Kiki Vandeweghe and that’s pretty much my sports Rushmore Everest DERP.

0:16 – Dick Enberg claims Gastineau has been reading newspaper articles about NBC’s Superstars program. There are at least two things I do not believe about that statement.

0:20 – Gastineau’s braggadocio would be more foreboding without all that dixieland jazz toodling in the background.

0:28 – Howie Long injured his ankle at the Pro Bowl– an athletic contest slightly more dubious than Superstars.

0:42 – Merlin Olsen thinks Gastineau is suppression some “emotion.” That’s what everybody called “roid rage” back in the 80s.

0:06 – I’m glad today’s players don’t wear those old-fashioned big white neck rolls. It looks unnatural for an NFL player to have a toilet seat around his neck– unless, of course, it’s Kyle Orton.

0:10 – Sweet Puma shirt, bro. You just know that in 2004 some hipster pulled that shirt off the rack at a vintage clothing store in San Marino and fell in love.

0:14 – Howie sporting the permed mullet (permullet?)

0:18 – Eulogy! YA BURNT!!!

0:20 – Howie’s benign amusement towards Gastineau’s effrontery indicates that he approves of Gastineau’s choice of pickup truck.

I’m not sure who bested whom in this clash of the wits. However, one of my long-standing beliefs has been confirmed: that ratbastard Pete Rozelle should have let Gastineau play without a helmet. Those magnificently feathered bangs should never have been denied the spotlight.

[ youtubes via ]

Our sporadic “Inside A Tailgate” feature returns today. It combines our love of NFL party videos and our love of lazy YouTube-based posts. This week, some not-at-all-this-close-to-making-out pals take in a Buccaneers exhibition game. The title promises a crotch battering, so you know it’s good.

:05 – Opening with the nutshot? It’s an indictment of the attention span of the average viewer when they can’t even be expected to sit through minimal buildup before the payoff.

:35 – Doing the dick slang? Damn, I think the wrong person got slapped in the junk.

:46 - “WHAT’S THE CAPITAL OF BANGKOK???” Yet he insists he’s “the E of this entourage.”

1:09 – I’m going out on a limb and guessing the phrase “over-served” isn’t prominently featured in the Raymond James Stadium Concession Employee Handbook.

1:18 – I bet Charlie Murphy got tired of drunk assholes yelling this at him on the streets a long, long time ago.

1:24 - After the game these guys went home and reenacted their favorite scenes from The Human Centipede. Surely, this will be the most homoerotic NFL related video I’ll see today.

[ scant seconds later ]

Eh, I stand by my earlier statement.

If you are a fan of pudgy white people dancing awkwardly, hoo boy do we have a treat for you. This awful trainwreck by “TJazzy1” will do nothing to dispel any sterotypes of Vikings fans. What’s worse is that while Fat Hump Shoe Guy and the Wannabe Pimp of New Orleans were only embarrassing themselves, this guy is dragging his whole family into this hot crazy mess. When you’re ready, push play—but you’ve been warned…

0:07 – Remember this song that you kind of liked back in the 90s until it was in every other movie trailer?

0:11 – Vidya game Brett vs. Vidya Game Breesus—WHO YA GOT???

0:19 – Head-bobbin’ mom making the duckface.

0:21 – Right about now Damon Albarn is wishing he had gone to architecture school and never set foot into the music biz.

0:22 – These girls were probably roped into being in this video by their rat bastard father, so I will attempt to hold off making jokes at their expense.

0:26 – Um, did they make the hefty lass wear Saints colors?

0:30 – I’ll see your running man and raise you a wave.

0:33 – Wecomefromthelandoftheiceandsnowfromthemidnightsunwherethehotspringsblow

0:37 – Wait a Les Paul and a Stratocaster? This guy’s budget looks something like this: mortgage 15%, utilities 5%, food 12%, Guitars & Vikings jerseys- everything else.

0:43 – “I’m so hardcore, I use replica jerseys as throw pillows!”

0:56 – “Check out my daughter’s jailbait cleavage!”

0:58 – Is she wearing the witness relocation program sunglasses to conceal that fact that she’s too old to take part in this foolishness or is she just hoping to avoid being recognized?

1:10 – Randy only agreed to this gay ass shit because he thought he was going to get to dance with Rebecca. But her dad has been cockblocking him all day. He hates that asshole.

1:14 – Minnesota has given us some great bands, Hüsker Dü, the Replacements, and now– the Purple & Gold Church Basement Virgins… (formerly Just the Tip, formerly Mouse Rat).

1:22 – Easy flub, leave the low-hanging fruit to the commenters.

1:28 – “Tommy Kramer left this jacket in backseat of my Vega in 1978. Let’s just say ‘Two Minute Tommy’ lived up to his name.”

1:32 – Crap, Chris Hansen just knocked on my door.

1:48 – “Vikes’ll beat-choo!!!” ….and there’s your money quote.

1:58 – Dad made Shutter Shades wear the old Moss jersey that nobody else wanted because she forgot to put extra Miracle Whip on his Wonder Bread and Velveeta sandwich last night.

2:04 – This jerk spent the past 15 years hating Brett Favre’s guts, now he is perfectly content to kiss his ass and call it ice cream. Up yours, dude.

Just wow. Somewhere in suburban DC, Big Daddy Drew is biting his bottom lip, nodding his head and doing some serious chair dancing.

One thing I love about the NFL playoffs is that it inspires sincere, yet misguided, fans to produce YouTube videos that 1) are absolute comedy gold; and 2) make my job easier. Today “leewilliamsinthedell” tells us who’s gonna win dat Super Bowl (SPOILER ALERT: dem Saints is). So sit back and allow me to breakdown this 21st century minstrel show.

0:09 – Chill coat, brah. What is that, faux ocelot?

0:15 – If you’re above the age of 25 and still keep Jaegermeister in your freezer, you probably ought to question the direction in which your life is headed.

0:19 – There is a zero percent chance this guy’s favorite player is someone other than Jeremy Shockey.

0:22 – Popeye’s fried chicken– perhaps I’ve judged this guy too harshly.

0:38 – Hokie Gajan: coolest name in the world or coolest name in the universe?

0:44 – Oh hey, gun show in New Orleans this week– corner of Rampart & Dumaine.

0:50 – Wait, did he just hope for the Saints to take the opening kickoff back for a– touchback?

0:57 – Just when I thought they weren’t going to bust out the running man—BOOM! They bust out the running man.

1:14 – You know your team isn’t steeped in playoff history when your defining highlight is a muffed punt by Az Hakim.

1:33 – Brian Milne restores a man’s faith in the almighty.

1:42 - He would have thrown some love the o-line’s way, but it’s a bitch thinking of something that rhymes with “Stinchcomb”.

1:47 – Dissecting a frog? That’s some Cajun on Cajun violence right there.

2:03 – More memorable moments in Saints history: Steve Gleason blocks a punt during the “Domecoming” win over the Falcons after Katrina. I bet that guy is a hero in New Orleans and would never volunteer something as degrading as getting tasered by the local sheriff. Wait, he did? Whoopsie doodle.

2:28 – Enough with the context-less highlights, please.

2:40 – So watching the Super Bowl at Cajun Mike’s is preferable to actually attending the game in person? I call bullshit. Unless he’s talking about the 2012 Super Bowl in Indianapolis—in which case I wholeheartedly agree.

2:48 – Damn, Zack Galifianakis has got some moves, yall.

Wow, that was a piece of work. Dreadlock Do the Shoe guy better step up his game.

Periodically, I like to breakdown NFL party videos. And while this isn’t quite one of those, there’s a lot to be learned– so I thought I’d share it with our readers anyway. Be warned, “Shoe Tutorial” is a bit of a misleading title. Bob Barley here isn’t going to show fellow Colts fans how to handle footwear requiring something trickier than a Velcro fastener. Instead he’s showing us the hand gesture that is sweeping corn fields across Indiana. Here we go…

0:01 Why not call it the “Shoe-torial”??? BAM! Video improved!

0:04 Here come the boys from the south… central Indiana. Funny, never would’ve pegged this guy for a rap metal fan.

0:10 “What’s up Blue Nation. It’s me; Adam Duritz’s older, fatter, less successful brother.”

0:13 “You already know me…” Wait, were you the guy who fished that possum out of my pool last summer? Solid work, Peter Nosh.

0:20 “Edna, is that awful smelling man dancing behind us again?” “I’m afraid so, Beverly.”

0:40 Step one: Shape of “L”, as in “lardass loser’s lousy lecture”. Check.

0:48 Step two: REE-verse “L”. Check.

0:57 Step three? Damn, this is one complicated hand gesture.

1:05 Step four: that picture says “pork fried rice” in Cantonese.

1:10 Step five: I think what Fatisyahu here really needs involves 12 steps. Amirite?

1:20 “We want to be the first team in the NFL to have our own hand sign.” Before that we wanted to go undefeated, now we’ve settled on an attainable, shitty goal.

1:29 Kickoffs, third downs, fourth downs, key situations… weddings, bar mitzvahs, supermarkets openings… when the Ravens embarrass us on primetime national television… any time works, really.

1:42 I make my old lady point her video camera at the jumbotron the entire game on the off-chance they happen to show me dancing like I’m suffering an epileptic convulsion.

1:53 I rock out in khaki cargo pants—BECAUSE I AM SO FUCKING METAL!!!

2:03 Included your Twitter and Facebook addresses??? Oof, sorry dude.

So there you have it– a completely original, not at all ripped off from anyone else hand sign…

“See, I tilt my grip at an 85-degee angle. My old lady says that way Miami can’t sue.
She went to paralegal school for a semester—SO SHE KNOWS HER SHIT!!!“

Dan Snyder landed himself a marquee coach to go with his new GM, and the trio was out celebrating last night. It wasn’t long before the local media showed up to greet the new coach (just like last time) with cameras rolling. That means it’s time for another edition of the “Inside a Tailgate Classy Steak Dinner” series.

0:01 – Ooh, The Palm. It’s the place to see and be seen. I hope Mr. Snyder remembered his 837 card.

0:03 – Shanny isn’t going to be letting go of Lindsay Czarniak‘s hand any time soon.

0:14 – “Nice to meet you. Channel 4, right? Okay, we’ll talk.” [smiles lecherously]

0:17 – Whoa, get a load of this big ginger. Okay, enough of that, back to the blond.

0:25 – Condescending pat on the arm.

0:26 – “Oh man, you’re good. You are good.” What do you say the two of us get out of here? Maybe go find a nice private spot.

0:27 – Outta the way, Feldman.

0:40 – Inaudible dialogue from Shanny. I’ll just assume he said “I gotta take you home with me.”

0:50 – Oooh, look at them eating! Alright, this is a bit creepy.

1:03 – Of course they’re at the McLean location. Snyder probably wishes he could change the team’s name to the Metro Area Redskins. We’re never getting a DC stadium.

1:04 – Here Lindsay, let me get that door for you.

1:07 – He didn’t even try to glance at Lindsay’s ass. What self control.

1:08 – Oh great, this Feldman guy expects me to hold the door for him too.

1:12 – Christ, I’m gonna be here all night.

1:26 – Where the hell does Danny find all of his team-colored clothing? He must have his own sweatshop that churns out ten burgundy and gold ties an hour.

1:27 – Dan Snyder leads the league in both dickishness. He’s second to Todd Haley in dismissive hand gestures.

1:35 – Jesus Christ, Bruce, get in the fucking car!

1:42 – At this point Snyder realizes that the man he hired to oversee the salary cap is incapable of moving a seat.

1:54 – “It’s this new technology.” Damn American cars and their cutting edge technological advancements. Just pull the fucking lever for him, Kiersten!

1:58 – Lindsay should really tell Snyder to shove that thumb up his ass.

2:14 – Turn on that dome light so they can see how happy we are!

2:15 – And there you have it. The guys with the real power sit in the captain’s chairs while the GM is relegated to the back row. Although that’s not how it played out this afternoon.

If you look closely you can see Vinny Cerrato holding on to the undercarriage. Here’s to hoping they take the shortcut through the cactus patch on their way back to Ashburn.

Video via NBC Washington

0:03 – He made a bet with his Facebook friends that if the Saints beat the Redskins they could shoot out his television. Two immediate problems spring to mind 1) That’s not a bet—a bet is where both sides have something at stake. And 2) has this guy actually seen the Redskins play this year?

0:18 – “Well, that’s a bet.” No it’s not, weren’t you paying attention to what I just said.

0:22 — From the field journals of anthropologist Margaret Mead: “The denizens of this region communicate solely through a series of short hooting sounds. Their self-destructive behavior indicates their water supply has been tainted by industrial solvents from the nearby foundry.”

0:26 – At first I thought he said these were his Facebook friends, but what he really said was “Faye S. Book” friends. He’s the local taxidermist/mortuary/bait-shop/OBGYN– they all hang out at his place after work. Easy mistake to make.

0:37 – Pick up truck arrives, this can mean only one thing—MORE GOOD OL’ BOYS.

0:40 – “DEY COMIN’ OUTTA THE WOODWORKS!” This is not a euphemism. They just finished their shift at the sawmill.

0:54 – Nice of the mayor to bring by the remnants of his twelve of the K.O.B.

0:56 – This Reggie Bush actually knows what to do in the shotgun formation. BA-ZING!!!

1:05 – Note we’ve never actually saw this television operating.

1:16 – IT’S NOT A BET!!!

1:19 – Holy shizz! What is that a .44 magnum? Someone’s compensating.

1:24 – Mo trucks, mo good ol’ boys.

1:47 – CAJUN STYLE FIRIN’ SQUAD!!!

1:49 – Coincidentally this is the last thing that residents of the 9th Ward ever saw when they attempted to cross the bridge into Gretna, Louisiana after Hurricane Katrina.

2:02 — WE KEELED IT!!! WE KEELED IT GOOD!!!

2:10 – Well, that was anticlimactic. If they were going to make a bet using a broken TV for a phony YouTube video, they could have at least rigged up some dynamite or something. Of course that might make their next fishing expedition slightly problematic.

2:22 – “IF YOU CAINT BEAT EM, JOIN EM” What in the blue hell are you talking about?

2:42 – Of course it went straight through it. They discontinued Kevlar television screens in the 1970s.

2:50 – Best line of the video: “Anybody else wanna put their TV against the Saints?”

2:54 – “That ain’t nothin’ compared to what I lost to the bookie?” What, your dignity? Your ass corona?

3:04 – “Fleur de lis,” French for “regrettable dome tat”.

3:27 – Christ, aren’t they bored with this yet? At least line up some empties and shoot at those.

3:57 – How does this guy’s head do more damage to the television than 6,219 rounds of live ammunition?

4:19 – That’s really going to hurt once the meth wears off.

4:24 – Billy Joe Tolliver is looking kinda rough, yall.

4:52 – His family is going to be mortified when they see this video. Not because of the drunken disregard for the well-being of himself and others, but because of his decision to wear jorts over top of his pajama bottoms.

5:01 – “And that’s for making me feel stupid with your fancy big-city jokes, Mister Jeff Dunham!”

This afternoon we have another edition of the sporadic “Inside a Tailgate” series. It’s a feature that gives you insight into some of the goings-on with fans around the league. And it gives us a chance to count a YouTube video as a post. Nice.

00:01 – Chubs tells “Reggie Wane” that he will handle the introduction duties. I’ve just seen this guy, but I have always been able to make snap judgments about people. I predict this guy will open his introduction with some Proust before making a dry self-deprecating observation on the human condition. That, or quoting Stone Cold Steve Austin. It could go either way.

0:03 – Hitch up you sweatpants, Bulbous Fett.

0:08 – Waiting for his cue… Biscuits ‘n’ Gravy here is used to working with professionals. Give his ass a countdown, you clod.

0:10 – “HEY! WE’RE COLTS FANS!” This is your brilliant introduction? This is the least expository introduction in the history of introducing stuff. Christ, this thing is already going downhill.

0:16 – Now he introduces Shawne Merriman, “defensive player for the Chargers”. Dude, if we don’t already know who he is, your impression is kind of pointless.

0:20 – This guy seems to shortchanging Merriman’s surname by a full syllable– pronouncing it ‘Merman’. It seems they fear this Mer-Man and thinks he intends to drag them before King Poseidon and his briny palace in Atlantis.

0:24 – Two days later, he moaned and flopped in precisely the same manner when the EMT administered the defibrillator.

0:31 – “RETARD….OUT!” He says it like that’s his end communication signal.

0:36 – At first I thought it was a novelty helmet, merely festooning his head whimsically before the big game. I know realize he is living with a serious head injury and that thing is a medical necessity under doctor’s orders.

A be-poloed lad at a Chargers-Colts tailgate has a bit of a problem holding his booze after taking a beer bong hit and goes headfirst into a nearby grill. But marvel at the way a drinking calamity brings out the frenzied best in rival fans, even if that means a cacophony of unhelpful commands. I especially like the suggestion that someone give up the Mandible Claw to induce vomiting. Bonus irony points for “Wrong Way” blasting in the background as the fail plays out.