A Steelers-Packers Super Bowl is worse than dying a thousand painful, lingering deaths. However, there’s solace to be found in the fact that both teams have redneck fan-bases who love nothing better than making fools of themselves on YouTube for our enjoyment. This Packers video starts out as a Star Wars tribute, but then takes a decidedly unexpected left turn. Let’s examine its finer points in detail.

0:09 – I’m pretty sure the Star Wars intros had more than one word of text per line. FIX YO TYPOGRAPY!

0:16 – Still with this stuff? Feel free to FF a bit.

0:59 – I disagree. Aaron Rodgers is a “Han”, not a “Luke”. Would Luke photobomb every Jedi Academy class photo? No, but Han would.

1:05 – “His teammates couldn’t quite put a finger on it, but suddenly Ben was much more lovable than before.”

1:15 – Is “The Catepillar of Truth” related to the “Crickitt of Proper Spelling”

1:20 – Okay, that’s kinda bad ass.

1:24 – Desmond Bishop is insulted that his effort this season did not warrant a poster-board jersey taped to a backhoe.

1:38 – Xmas Ape just called his realtor.

2:02 – There’s no way this was actually shot in Green Bay—the meth lab would have instantly exploded from the force of the backhoe’s impact.

2:08 – So, did they just forget about the whole Star Wars thing? These directorial decisions are starting to remind me of Lethal Weapon 5.

2:34 – Given high hourly rentals, not to mention the cost of diesel, the operator of this backhoe is rather inefficient. He could stand to take a few pointers from Israeli demolition experts. Man, those guys go through cheap Palestinian drywall like crap through a goose.

2:39 – Not to nitpick, but I gotta say– the balloons detract from an otherwise macho vibe.

2:47 – Greenbay?

Why even mess with the Star Wars motif when you’ve got this great industrial mayhem to share? This is merely the latest in a line of sorry Lucas imitations. Not as bad as “Phantom Menace”, but close.

I found some old YouTube clips of Mark Gastineau and Howie Long engaging in some half-hearted promos for NBC’s old Superstars program. The clips aired during NBC’s broadcast of the N.Y. Jets-L.A. Raiders game from September 8, 1985. (31-0, suck it haters) While I’m sure you’re perfectly capable of enjoying these two clips by your own damn self, I’m about to pepper you with wacky commentary. GAME BOOK STYLE.

0:05 – Gastineau won Superstars in 1985, joining the ranks of former champions such as Tom Petranoff, of javelin fame, and water-skiing’s Wayne Grimditch. Gastineau. Petranoff. Grimditch. Throw in Kiki Vandeweghe and that’s pretty much my sports Rushmore Everest DERP.

0:16 – Dick Enberg claims Gastineau has been reading newspaper articles about NBC’s Superstars program. There are at least two things I do not believe about that statement.

0:20 – Gastineau’s braggadocio would be more foreboding without all that dixieland jazz toodling in the background.

0:28 – Howie Long injured his ankle at the Pro Bowl– an athletic contest slightly more dubious than Superstars. Read the rest of this entry »

Our sporadic “Inside A Tailgate” feature returns today. It combines our love of NFL party videos and our love of lazy YouTube-based posts. This week, some not-at-all-this-close-to-making-out pals take in a Buccaneers exhibition game. The title promises a crotch battering, so you know it’s good.

:05 – Opening with the nutshot? It’s an indictment of the attention span of the average viewer when they can’t even be expected to sit through minimal buildup before the payoff.
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If you are a fan of pudgy white people dancing awkwardly, hoo boy do we have a treat for you. This awful trainwreck by “TJazzy1” will do nothing to dispel any sterotypes of Vikings fans. What’s worse is that while Fat Hump Shoe Guy and the Wannabe Pimp of New Orleans were only embarrassing themselves, this guy is dragging his whole family into this hot crazy mess. When you’re ready, push play—but you’ve been warned… Read the rest of this entry »

One thing I love about the NFL playoffs is that it inspires sincere, yet misguided, fans to produce YouTube videos that 1) are absolute comedy gold; and 2) make my job easier. Today “leewilliamsinthedell” tells us who’s gonna win dat Super Bowl (SPOILER ALERT: dem Saints is). So sit back and allow me to breakdown this 21st century minstrel show.

0:09 – Chill coat, brah. What is that, faux ocelot?

0:15 – If you’re above the age of 25 and still keep Jaegermeister in your freezer, you probably ought to question the direction in which your life is headed.

0:19 – There is a zero percent chance this guy’s favorite player is someone other than Jeremy Shockey.

0:22 – Popeye’s fried chicken– perhaps I’ve judged this guy too harshly.

0:38 – Hokie Gajan: coolest name in the world or coolest name in the universe? Read the rest of this entry »

Periodically, I like to breakdown NFL party videos. And while this isn’t quite one of those, there’s a lot to be learned– so I thought I’d share it with our readers anyway. Be warned, “Shoe Tutorial” is a bit of a misleading title. Bob Barley here isn’t going to show fellow Colts fans how to handle footwear requiring something trickier than a Velcro fastener. Instead he’s showing us the hand gesture that is sweeping corn fields across Indiana. Here we go… Read the rest of this entry »

Dan Snyder landed himself a marquee coach to go with his new GM, and the trio was out celebrating last night. It wasn’t long before the local media showed up to greet the new coach (just like last time) with cameras rolling. That means it’s time for another edition of the “Inside a Tailgate Classy Steak Dinner” series.

0:01 – Ooh, The Palm. It’s the place to see and be seen. I hope Mr. Snyder remembered his 837 card.

Read the rest of this entry »

0:03 – He made a bet with his Facebook friends that if the Saints beat the Redskins they could shoot out his television. Two immediate problems spring to mind 1) That’s not a bet—a bet is where both sides have something at stake. And 2) has this guy actually seen the Redskins play this year?
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This afternoon we have another edition of the sporadic “Inside a Tailgate” series. It’s a feature that gives you insight into some of the goings-on with fans around the league. And it gives us a chance to count a YouTube video as a post. Nice.

00:01 – Chubs tells “Reggie Wane” that he will handle the introduction duties. I’ve just seen this guy, but I have always been able to make snap judgments about people. I predict this guy will open his introduction with some Proust before making a dry self-deprecating observation on the human condition. That, or quoting Stone Cold Steve Austin. It could go either way.

0:03 – Hitch up you sweatpants, Bulbous Fett.

0:08 – Waiting for his cue… Biscuits ‘n’ Gravy here is used to working with professionals. Give his ass a countdown, you clod.

0:10 – “HEY! WE’RE COLTS FANS!” This is your brilliant introduction? This is the least expository introduction in the history of introducing stuff. Christ, this thing is already going downhill.

0:16 – Now he introduces Shawne Merriman, “defensive player for the Chargers”. Dude, if we don’t already know who he is, your impression is kind of pointless.

0:20 – This guy seems to shortchanging Merriman’s surname by a full syllable– pronouncing it ‘Merman’. It seems they fear this Mer-Man and thinks he intends to drag them before King Poseidon and his briny palace in Atlantis.

0:24 – Two days later, he moaned and flopped in precisely the same manner when the EMT administered the defibrillator.

0:31 – “RETARD….OUT!” He says it like that’s his end communication signal.

0:36 – At first I thought it was a novelty helmet, merely festooning his head whimsically before the big game. I know realize he is living with a serious head injury and that thing is a medical necessity under doctor’s orders.

A be-poloed lad at a Chargers-Colts tailgate has a bit of a problem holding his booze after taking a beer bong hit and goes headfirst into a nearby grill. But marvel at the way a drinking calamity brings out the frenzied best in rival fans, even if that means a cacophony of unhelpful commands. I especially like the suggestion that someone give up the Mandible Claw to induce vomiting. Bonus irony points for “Wrong Way” blasting in the background as the fail plays out.