This is a continuation of yesterday’s post analyzing the NFL’s 32 head coaches.

NFC East

Fatty Arbuckle (Dal)- Every time Jason Garret walks by the head coach’s office he mentally measures for new curtains.
Tom Coughlin (NYG)- He could become the first coach to be unceremoniously fired after winning the Super Bowl…nah, they aren’t winning the Super Bowl.
Joe Gibbs (Was)- Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die.
Andy “The Pin” Reid (Phi)- Roger Goodell will intervene to fire Reid on Philly’s behalf.

NFC North

Mike McCarthy (GB)- As long as he keeps Brett full of opiates it’s all good.
Rod Marinelli (Det)- You mean to tell me that Mike Martz isn’t the Lions coach?
Brad Childress (Min)- Staking his future on Chester Taylor.
Lovie Smith (Chi)- He took the Sex Cannon to the Super Bowl. Big time grace period.

NFC South

Jon Gruden (TB)- They tried to burn him in the fire place but he managed to escape.
John Fox (Car)- On the verge of becoming the biggest scapegoat since German Jews
Sean Payton (NO)- He could blow up the levee’s and still be untouchable.
Bobby Petrino (Atl)- Even Home Depot managers get more respect from their underlings. Mutiny is all but assured.

NFC West

Mike Holmgren (Sea)- They’re already collecting the necessary tonnage of smelt to buy out his contract.
Ken Whisenhunt (Ari)- Cushiest job in the NFL. Nobody expects too much and there’s no chance he’s getting fired before his contract expires.
Mike Nolan (SF)- They’re already stocking the fuhrerbunker with cyanide pills.
Scott Linehan (StL)- Injuries happen, and so does seppuku.

NFC Far East

Coming September 2012!

Seeing as how every team has gotten to the halfway point in the season it seems like a good time to evaluate the 32 NFL coaches, division by division. There will be no wine involved.

AFC East

Bill Belichick (NE)- He’s safe…for now.
Dick Jauron (Buf)- So that’s who they’re their coach is! For another year at least.
Eric Mangini (NYJ)- His fat ass could better serve the franchise if he were buried in the foundation of the new stadium.
Cam Cameron (Mia)- Poor fucker.

AFC North

Mike Tomlin (Pit)- He’ll be there for the next fifteen years.
Romeo Crennel (Cle)- He didn’t get fired last year? Good for him. Looks like somebody’s getting an extension!
Brian Billick (Bal)- If this pompous shit-eater still has a job next year the city of Baltimore will be torn asunder by riotous mobs–nobody will notice.
Marvin Lewis (Cin)- From the worst offensive coach to the worst defensive coach, this division is stellar! The only way that Mike Brown will eat his contract is if Chris Henry digs up and rapes the corpse of Paul Brown. So it’s 50/50.

AFC South

Tony Dungy (Ind)- Put it this way, if they fire God’s coach then it’s an automatic seven years of bad luck. But if Jim Irsay comes out of the closet all bets are off.
Jeff Fisher (Ten)- When he dies they’re going to prop his rotting corpse up against the first down marker.
Jack of the River (Jax)- They would fire him, but he’s just so damn intimidating!
Gary Kubiak (Hou)- If he keeps moving along at this 10-15 pace the Texans will erect a thirty foot golden statue in his honor.

AFC West *Award Winner for Worst Coaches in the NFL

Herm Edwards (KC)- The team has a record of 4-4 making Herm’s career record 52-52. In today’s NFL you really can’t put a price on that kind of sustained mediocrity.
Norv Turner (SD)- Hahaha! I’m not laughing because they’re going to fire him, I’m laughing because somebody else is going to give him a job. People are fucking stupid.
Mike Shanahan (DEN)- If somebody can provide a rational argument against taking Shanny out back and shooting him in the base of the skull then I’d love to hear it.
Lane Kiffin (Oak)- Al Davis has enough energy to fire Kiffin or to poop, and man, he really needs to poop.

AFC Europe
Coming September 2012!

Check back this week for Part II: The NFC!

Projected Record: 8-8
Actual Record: 8-8
Herm’s Favorite Time to Run Larry Johnson: Third and 8

An Arbitrary Number of Fast Facts on the Chiefs

-There are two Kansas City’s–I think the Chiefs play in the crappy one.
-Brodie Croyle was a cool name in fifth grade.
-Herm Edwards doesn’t like being called Herman. On a more interesting note, the nation’s first television advertisement for condoms aired during an episode of Herman’s Head. That night the show received thousands of complaints–non of which had anything to do with condoms.
-Priest Holmes just criticized his spinal column for holding out.
-Claude Maurice McGee goes by the nickname “Turk” because all of his real names are kinda fey.
-Kyle Turley is half C.H.U.D. and half Morlock.
-Jason Dunn is really two and half midgets.
-Even though he’s 6′3″ Napoleon Harris has been known to wear lifts.
-Jay Z is worried that Larry Johnson is trying to fuck Beyonce.
-Beyonce is terrified that Larry Johnson is already fucking Jay Z.

If you know one thing about these Kansas City Chiefs it’s that Gunther Cunningham doesn’t take lip, he gives lip!

If you’ve been watching their training camp unfold on HBO’s Hard Knocks (not me!) you know that Gunther isn’t just a crotchety old man, he’s nuttier than Chloë Sevigny’s mouth.

Three Quick Thoughts:
-I’m not footballologist but I’m pretty sure those guys need their hands.
-I’d pay good money to watch Gunther try to wrap his feeble old-guy hands around DeMarcus Tyler’s ginormous head stalk
-It should come as no surprise that Gunther was born in Munich shortly after the fall of the Third Reich.

If you are a fan of the Chiefs I offer my humble apologies for the things you’ve read here and all of the misery you’re bound to endure this season.