Kissing Suzy Kolber » indianapolis colts

The Most Overhyped Regular Season Game of the Year That Doesn’t Feature Favre

Christmas Ape — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 00:15:34 +0000

BRADY ASKS FOR A ROUGHING PENALTY ON EVERY PLAYKKAKE

The epic Bill Belichick-Jim Caldwell blood feud is renewed in this, a contest bound to be sorely lacking in superlatives about the quarterbacks involved. But there are so many other intriguing storylines aside from the obvious QB comparison. Is it Laurence Maroney or is it Joseph Addai who is more generally useless? Can Austin Collie’s grittiness unseat Welkah’s on this grand primetime stage? Will Caldwell ever forgive Dwight Freeney for not employing his many spins as a running back at Wake Forest? Why won’t we ever give the Meast to Peyton?

These questions and more will be quickly brushed aside in favor of dick jokes, soft porn and making light of the reinforced stereotypes in that “Precious” movie.

Fetushead and Dreamboat, The Saga Continues. WHO YA GOT?

Christmas Ape — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 14:11:14 +0000

This week we’re highlighting the very obscure, totally non-showcase match-up between Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. I doubt any NFL-related TV shows will explore this particular angle of the Colts-Patriots game on Sunday, so it’s good that we are.

Pey-Pey and Dreamboat have met in a lot of big games this decade, so they have a “rivalry” even though I doubt there is any actual animosity between the two of them. Brady has won most of the contests, but Peyton has had the advantage the last few years. They’re both really good and shoo-in Hall of Famers.

Peyton is a robot who gesticulates too much at the line of scrimmage and, according to Peter King, is possessed of anal traits. Early in his career, it was fun to mock him for being without a championship and gay for Kenny Chesney. But then he went and won a title while the Chesney jokes got old. Now he’s just a really good quarterback who appears in a lot of commercials. The worst I can say about him is that Colts fans, even though Peyton has won multiple MVP awards and is generally thought to be the face of the league, act as though he’s somehow ignored and underappreciated. Because they’re all Midwestern diptards with nothing else in their lives, but that’s not really Peyton’s fault, is it?

Tom Brady is a smug asshole, but then he leads an almost cartoonishly perfect life. Would you or I be unbearable were we lavished with such gifts? Probably. I’m already kind of a dick and I don’t have anything on Brady. As quietly as one can do something on the overexposed Patriots, Brady has “quietly” returned to his dominating pre-injury form in the last few weeks, regaining the timing with Randy Moss that was clearly missing in the Pats first few games. That doesn’t make him or his fans, many of whom wanted Brady traded last year then complained that he wasn’t traded when he struggled some out of the gate this year, any less obnoxious. He cheated on Bridget Moynahan, he wears Yankees hats in public while he plays for a Boston (er, sorry, “New England”) team, earlier this year he blew off the Matron Saint when she tried to get a post-game quote from him. He’s a dick. You can nail him and Pats fans for the Spygate and 18-1 stuff, but then the amount of irrational hate the Steelers have received in the last year has actually made me identify with the Massholes some. Did I actually write that? Oh well.

I think the first time Peyton and Brady ever met kind of captures their respective personalities perfectly.

Already a two-time Pro Bowler, Manning nevertheless introduced himself: “I’m Peyton Manning.”

“And I said, ‘No (expletive),’ ” Brady said yesterday, laughing. “We were both getting warmed up and he was probably on his 100th throw of the day, two hours before the game. It was a pretty quick meeting.”

Robot, meet dickhead.

Barry Levinson Needs to Make an ESPN Documentary About This

Christmas Ape — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 16:17:02 +0000

Those dastardly heavy-breathing sneakabouts in Indianapolis are at it again! First, they steal the Colts from Baltimore. Now, because of an injury to Adam Nougatieri (injuries don’t make chompions, Adam) they have signed Greatest Raven Ever Matt Stover. Is there nothing they won’t take from Baltimore? I mean, other than black people. Those Indy can do without.

EAT, SLEEP, BREATHE COLTS (but mainly eat Colts)

flubby — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 17:38:47 +0000

This afternoon we have another edition of the sporadic “Inside a Tailgate” series. It’s a feature that gives you insight into some of the goings-on with fans around the league. And it gives us a chance to count a YouTube video as a post. Nice.

00:01 – Chubs tells “Reggie Wane” that he will handle the introduction duties. I’ve just seen this guy, but I have always been able to make snap judgments about people. I predict this guy will open his introduction with some Proust before making a dry self-deprecating observation on the human condition. That, or quoting Stone Cold Steve Austin. It could go either way.

0:03 – Hitch up you sweatpants, Bulbous Fett.

0:08 – Waiting for his cue… Biscuits ‘n’ Gravy here is used to working with professionals. Give his ass a countdown, you clod.

0:10 – “HEY! WE’RE COLTS FANS!” This is your brilliant introduction? This is the least expository introduction in the history of introducing stuff. Christ, this thing is already going downhill.

0:16 – Now he introduces Shawne Merriman, “defensive player for the Chargers”. Dude, if we don’t already know who he is, your impression is kind of pointless.

0:20 – This guy seems to shortchanging Merriman’s surname by a full syllable– pronouncing it ‘Merman’. It seems they fear this Mer-Man and thinks he intends to drag them before King Poseidon and his briny palace in Atlantis.

0:24 – Two days later, he moaned and flopped in precisely the same manner when the EMT administered the defibrillator.

0:31 – “RETARD….OUT!” He says it like that’s his end communication signal.

0:36 – At first I thought it was a novelty helmet, merely festooning his head whimsically before the big game. I know realize he is living with a serious head injury and that thing is a medical necessity under doctor’s orders.

KSK 2009 NFL Prekkake: AFC South

Christmas Ape — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 18:54:29 +0000

Tard helmet, now in team colors.

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Romo dumping Jessica Simpson the night before her birthday, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up first, it’s the AFC South, where you’re either winning, you’re mourning Steve McNair or you’re getting busy freebasing.

HOUSTON TEXANS

Five Fast Facts About the Texans:

Due to new environs, Sexy Rexy has long been forced to abandon “no fat shemales” policy.

Tired of being a punchline, Dan Orlovsky redefines himself as a nonsequitur.

Cato June wishes he had known about all the wacky laws in Florida before he got his DUI.

Gary Kubiak is striving hard to unmake the Internet as we speak. Luckily Steve DeBerg is hot on his trail.

Fullback Boomer Grisby clearly missed his true calling as an acclaimed writer of Laura Ingalls Wilder slash fiction.

Vegas Over/Under For 2009: 8 Wins

VERDICT: Push.

Despite every year, by virtue of a promising finish, duping suckers (like me) into thinking they can eclipse their 8-8 record from the year before (and the year before that), the Texans inevitably stumble out of the gate, eliminate themselves midway through the season, then pad out their record over soft teams at the end of the year. I’VE FINALLY WISED UP COCKSLOTS!

/Texans go 12-4 just to spite me

~~LAND OF SHIT~~ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

Five Fast Facts About the Colts:

Peyton’s apparently not famous enough to have his name spelled right in Canada

Bob Sanders just fractured his instep on that bullet point to the left.

Donald Brown was really shocked to learn that Lamar isn’t gay.

Undrafted Duke linebacker Mike Tauiliili has four I’s in his last name, an unfortunate coincidence that coaches chalk up to selfishness.

Uh oh, Jim Sorgi has some competition at the cushiest job in sports. That clipboard hand better be strong come camp time!

Vegas Over/Under For 2009: 10 wins

Verdict: PUSH

Conventional wisdom will tell you that Peyton alone could coach this team to 10 wins, and he’s going to have to because Jim Caldwell doesn’t look like he could inspire shit out of a goose.

She really should’ve had a bigger part in the Star Wars prequels.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

Five Fast Facts About the Jaguars:

Torry Holt couldn’t get Star Trek fans to stop raving about his snagglefinger at the multiplex this spring.

Silky Garrard is not at all comfortable with the premise of the HBO show Hung, wants some of that bitch’s profits.

Department of misnomers: Jeremy Mincey actually prances.

Now that he’s been released Matt Jones regrets having the Jacksonville Municipal Stadium crew use his cocaine to line the playing field.

With time freed up by Fred Taylor’s departure to New England, the Jags training staff creates a fake Jack Del Rio Twitter feed that perfectly lampoons that sneering jackass. But then Tra Thomas’ back goes out in Week 9 and it goes to shit.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8 wins

Verdict: OVER

The Jags caught the brunt of a spate of injuries early last year (if you ask me, it was also karmic retribution for tossing huge contracts at Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson) and so long as they can avoid that, they should cobble together an improved result over last year’s disaster. I don’t think it would be a huge shock to see this team rebound to 9-7, but then I’m almost always fantastically wrong.

TENNESSEE TITANS

Five Fast Facts About the Titans:

Kerry Collins was only sacked eight times all of last regular season, however he did pass out drunk on his feet on at least six occasions.

Vince Young was dismayed that the Hurt Locker focused so much time on troops in Iraq and gave such short shrift to actually damaged lockers.

Kyle Vanden Bosch still has night terrors dating back to the first time that he saw a Fry Guy.

Tackle Cory Lekkerkerker’s last name is a KSK dream come true.

Happy now, Obama? The economy has forced Kige Ramsey to become an overpass troll.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

Verdict: OVER

According to most, the departure of Albert Haynesworth augurs a nosedive for the Titans, but I don’t forsee that dramatic of a falloff. Unless Vince Young takes non garbage time snaps at QB, then, fuck it, they’re the new Lions.

Get That Demon Liquor Up Out Of You!

Christmas Ape — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 14:51:26 +0000

A be-poloed lad at a Chargers-Colts tailgate has a bit of a problem holding his booze after taking a beer bong hit and goes headfirst into a nearby grill. But marvel at the way a drinking calamity brings out the frenzied best in rival fans, even if that means a cacophony of unhelpful commands. I especially like the suggestion that someone give up the Mandible Claw to induce vomiting. Bonus irony points for “Wrong Way” blasting in the background as the fail plays out.

Marmalard vs. the Most Valuable Phoetus. Wild Kardkkake Part Deux Deux Deux!

Christmas Ape — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 00:45:09 +0000

Marmalard strives to end Tony Dungy’s career a week after ousting Leatherface from Denver. Can San Diego take two games in San Diego in one year? Quite possibly, but Rivers floaters, Tiny Pocket Darren and a barely existent defense stand in their path.

Better win, Indy, or Pey-Pey’s gonna have to yell at some linemen like the true unselfish leader he is.

Resurgent Colts. Unsurgent Chargers. It’s Another Game That Looked Great Before the Season Started!

Christmas Ape — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 00:45:08 +0000

Two teams hanging on the fringes of playoff possibility (and the Chargers only because they play in the AFC West) meet for the first time since the Volektricity memorably backed up Marmalard’s vicious taunts of Indy fans in what was the final game ever in the RCA Dome. Now the Colts can effectively end the Chargers season and do a big favor to their own Wild Card aspirations with another road victory over an AFC rival.

But who gives a shit? We demand more cheerleader goodness, NBC. You were so good about it when New England was in town. If I have to deal with the sulking expressions of Dungy, Norval and Pey-Pey with no cheerleader chaser, so help me I’ll switch over to Dexter. I’ll do it! I mean it!

Checking Dominic Rhodes’ voicemail

flubby — Thu, 08 May 2008 11:17:31 +0000

“Yo, this is Joe. Just heard you’re headed back to Naptown. Congratulations, man. We’re going to win another Super Bowl this year, man. But check this, I’m not a rookie like when you left. In fact, up in this bitch here, I am what you call an authority figure. Remember that corner couch at the complex– the one you used to be snoring on and shit between two-a-days? That’s my couch now. Keep your ass off. See how you like trying to sleep in a damn chair. Anyway, see you in a couple months and we will tear it up like the old days.

Oh yeah, and if you ever drink my grape Gatorade again, I’ll beat your ass. TOPPA THE FOOD CHAIN, MOTHERFUCKER!!!”

BREAKING: Indy’s New Dome Already F–ked Up

Monday Morning Punter — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 19:42:00 +0000

I have a friend in Indianapolis, and we were discussing the oddities of Tony Dungy’s reluctant return to coach the Colts in 2008. I think “reluctant” is a fair characterization after Bob Irsay installed a slew of unique perks into Dungy’s deal, in terms of time away from the team. As incentive to return, Dungy was granted permission to spend four months in Tampa during the offseason, plus Friday nights during the season to watch his son play high school ball. You know, the one that didn’t kill himself.

My friend, who we’ll call “Jamie,” she and I agreed to as much when she brought the following to my attention (emphasis mine):

I can only imagine [Dungy] wanted to walk – quickly. But we have a new stadium to fill around these parts, and I can’t imagine they were going to let him go prior to its opening season. I do expect him to be gone immediately following. Assuming the thing is completed by the time the season starts. They are WAY behind. I was talking to our former city attorney (our mayor was ousted, so he goes too) on Monday, and he said the roof [is] set wrong. Small detail of a design flaw, so the roof physically will not open or close. Along with a laundry list of other problems, I’d be willing to bet not a single preseason game is played there. Who says we don’t know what we’re doing around here?

To be fair, Jamie can’t bet for shit, but that doesn’t ncessarily discount her inside information. Besides, it’s only 1986 in Indianapolis right now, so they still have 22 years to finish everything on time.