Hey, you! Yes you, you little fucker. Looking forward to football season, are ye? I bet you are. If you’re like me, I bet you’re planning on spending most of the season getting DRUNK. Real drunk. So drunk, you won’t even be able to recognize your own vomit. And I bet the chief tool you use for getting drunk will be beer. A whole SHITLOAD of watered-down, shitty ass American beer, like Budweiser.

Yes, Budweiser: long prized for its drinkability, because you don’t want to deal with pesky things such as flavor and body on your way to getting ass ripped. That’s queer shit. Yes, football fans have been quaffing Bud’s delicious carbonated rice water for decades. It’s as synonymous with the NFL as John Madden, cheerleaders, or driving while high on cocaine and Vioxx. You see Bud advertising everywhere in the NFL: during games, on any number of hot seats, on airships, on billboards, in magazines, tattooed on Santonio Holmes’ cock. It’s omnipresent.

But I got news for you, people. You may think you’re guzzling down cans of pure American elbow grease. You may think your hard-earned money is going to true American patriots like the August Anheuser Busch IV, who got rich like most rich Americans: by inheriting all his money from a much harder working generation. But you’re not. I have shocking, disgusting news for you. That money is going straight to BELGIUM.

Fucking Belgium! WTF?!!!11!!!1!!!

Turns out a Belgian conglomerate called InBev (NOTE: The word “InBev” is Belgian for “dogfucking,” a favored pursuit of the Belgish people) has purchased Anheuser Busch for $52 billion, creating the world’s largest brewer. You might remember InBev from such beers as Stella Artois, the bland, flavorless lager preferred by 8 out of 10 asshole East Village hipster bars.

This purchase represents a direct, immediate threat to both NFL fans and the greater American population. I don’t want these mussel-eating mime trainers taking over the company that helps finance the NFL and keeps a majority of Americans drunk enough to stay numb to their horrible, horrible lives. I’m not gonna fucking stand for this shit. China’s already stealing all our fucking food. I don’t want these Jean Claude Van Damme-spawning assholes controlling our alcohol. The key to any good ground war is INFORMATION. So here is a quick FAQ to let you know how you can FIGHT THE BELGIAN MENACE.

Q: What is Belgium?

A: Belgium is a very small European country. I think it’s near Germany, which I think is near India. The entire country is tucked into the unused bathroom of a noted French whorehouse. Belgium has fought in NO WARS that I can remember, which makes them stupid and gay.

Q: What’s a Belgian person like?

A: The Belgians are a bizarre, deformed shape of winged daemons who feed almost exclusively on the heads of human fetuses. Here’s a picture of one.

They also love moules frites, a classic dish featuring French fries and steamed mussels. I’m pretty sure this is the only thing I’ve seen on the menu at any Belgian restaurant. To say they lack culinary imagination is a huge understatement. In their spare time, Belgians enjoy stabbing puppets, building pretty but ultimately uninteresting villages, and making rope out of human hair.

Q: What language do they speak?

A: They speak Belgish, which is a cross between Flemish, Norman, Visigoth, and humpback whale mating calls. Only wolves can hear it.

Q: What do they want with my beer?

A: The motivations of the Belgians right now are unclear, which is what makes this so very terrifying. Perhaps they are motiveless anarchists. Perhaps they want to tinker with the formula of Bud to make it “better”, or “more hoppy”. Either way, it makes me very uneasy.

Q: Is there anything I can do to prevent this?

A: Yes. Write to your local Senator or Congressman. There’s only one way to stop this Belgian assault on both our economy and our values: a series of targeted air strikes, followed by a ground invasion, followed by systematic genocide. Belgians can only be killed one of two ways: by copper weapons, or by making them swallow helium.

Q: Should I continue drinking Anheuser Busch products?

A: NO! Do not continue drinking Budweiser. Unless you have some left in the house and hate wasting alcohol, as I do. The time has come for a boycott of all Belgian products, even Neuhaus chocolate, which is almost better than sex on a Jet Ski. In fact, fuck boycotts. This is a MANcott. Every Bud you buy fills these Belgian fuckers’ coffers, allowing them to pollute the world with their ramequins filled with garlic mayonnaise. FUCK THAT.

Q: What should I drink instead?

A: You have several options. You can drink Miller Lite, which is fucking terrible. You can also drink Coors Light, which is also fucking terrible. But at least Coors Light is an offical sponsor of the NFL. Also, when you open a Coors Light, a big fucking silver train comes from out of nowhere! And you can see your breath! And girls with big tits show up out of thin air! Awesome.

Also, profits from Coors Light go directly to the American underground neo-Nazi movement. Cheers to you, mein fuhrer!

Whatever you do, DO NOT drink any Belgian beer. Belgium is renowned for making delicious dubbels and trappist ales that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. THIS IS A TRAP. It’s right there in the name: “trap”pist. You know who makes those beers? Bloodthirsty Belgian monks, who employ the beer as a sedative before FUCKING THEIR VICTIMS UP THE ASS. You keep that Chimay away from my family, you perverts.

Q: What should I do if I see a Belgian here in America?

A: You’ll no doubt start seeing Belgians trying to jump our elaborate water fences out in the Atlantic in an attempt to take over our jobs and bang our wives. If you see one of these effete fuckers walking around, you get right up in his fey little grill and tell him NOT ON MY WATCH, ASSFACE. Then, throw pennies at him. The small amount of copper inside will stun him momentarily.

Whatever happens, the one thing none of us can afford is to sit still. MILD ACTION MUST BE CONSIDERED AND THEN NOT ACTED UPON. Our somewhat beloved but not really beloved King of Beers has just been turned into a Viceroy of Beers, or whatever fruity title those homos in Europe use for their monarchs. I bet they even change the name Budweiser to something unamerican-sounding, like Budweiser. The fucks.

The buck stops here, you Brussels-strolling freaks. I’m onto your game. You may take our horrible, mass-produced beer. But we will NEVER stop defacing your prized waffles with fried chicken. Take your Belgian culture and shove it up you daemon butt. Because the US of A doesn’t back down from a fight. Especially one from small, helpless countries that can’t defend themselves.

You’ve eaten your last mussel, you pieces of shit.

UPDATE: I have just been informed that both Miller Lite and Coors are also owned by international holding companies. DAMN YOU, GLOBALIZATION! GAHHHHHH!!!!

Also, someone actually created this website to protest the sale. Morons.