Jesus Christ, Tiffany! How many times have we gone over this? You INTERLOCK your fingers, then pull them up so that ONLY the HEEL of your PALM is on the victim’s breastbone! Unless, of course, you think it’s a good idea to crush the ribs of someone who’s dying? Huh? They’re not using their lungs anyway, may as well puncture them with a splintered rib, right?

Yeah, you just keep being casual about it, Tiff. Do it the way you want. You always do. “Ooh, look at me, I’m pretty! Nobody ever tells me I’m wrong!”

Well I’ll tell you what, missy: you keep doing it that way, and your smile won’t be enough to bring little Mrs. Potts back to life after you detach her xyphoid process and it cuts her organs up so bad that she dies from internal bleeding before the heart attack can kill her. Believe me, when that happens, there isn’t a Korean woman in the world who can manicure the DEATH off your pretty little hands.

Oh, you’re gonna cry now? Sure, go ahead. I’m the bad guy.

(photo from PCB)

This is Alysha.

Rather than being a cheerleader in high school, Alysha took a lot of dance classes. She aspired to be a ballerina, taking as many as 20 hours a week of dance from age five all the way through high school. As such, her classmates saw her as standoffish and prissy, and she never enjoyed the social life most teenagers enjoy.

Bypassing college to try to “make it” in New York, knee problems and her curvy figure derailed her dreams of being a prima ballerina for American Ballet Theater. That’s when she became a cocktail waitress, let loose, and finally started sucking some cock.

This is Quinn.

As her name implies, she comes from a wealthy New England family. She went to boarding school. She started kissing girls at 11, drinking at 12, and sucking cock at 13.

Seriously, what Alysha knows about sucking cock would be a mere sentence in the encyclopedia of Quinn’s cock-sucking ability.

Big thanks to Maxim for the photo shoot of Pats cheerleaders.

She feels as though the Patriots’ success this season is owed in some part to her performance as a cheerleader.

It is not.

As a youth, she had a bit of a rebellious streak. She was almost held back one year of high school for skipping too many days, but fortunately her parents were friends with the principal. She voted for Ralph Nader in the 2000 election, because a communist boyfriend she had at the time told her she should. When he was 17, she brought home a black man she was dating for a major family function.

He was never heard from again.

The cheerleaders at her high school were mostly plain and Kerey looked down upon them. One time, some of her friends kidnapped one of them and let the girl loose in the woods 30 miles out of town. It was a particularly freezing evening and the cheerleader developed severe frost bite. So severe, in fact, that she had to have one of her legs amputated.

Kerey still laughs about it during TV timeouts.

This is Erin.

She likes Indianapolis because it feels so cosmopolitan.

Erin was a Pi Phi at Indiana before finishing her degree in marketing at a smaller college closer to home. This allowed her to spend more time with her high school boyfriend, whom she later learned cheated on her. Her voice trembles when she says that she doesn’t regret her decision to leave IU.

Because she’s the only remotely attractive woman on the Colts cheerleading squad, she tends to act like she’s too good to talk to men who approach her. She never goes home with anyone on the first date, unless he has an expensive car and she happens to drink too much. If that happens, she’s likely to cry after or (more likely) during coitus. If she doesn’t cry after drinking too much and sleeping with someone, there is a one hundred per cent chance she will tell him that she loves him. The next day, she won’t remember the admission, and a week later, she will wonder why he never called her back.

Erin can only have an orgasm through oral sex. Her rare performance of fellatio is marred by apathy and poor technique.

Her father left her mother when Erin was eight.