WE CAN NOW CALL HIM SCRILLABACK! Pencil-mustachioed defensive player of the year James Harrison agrees to a 6-year, $51 million extension with the Steelers, thus ensuring that he and LaMarr Woodley will continue tag teamming opposing quarterbacks and your mom for years to come. Meanwhile, the Steelers have yet to sign a single player other than one of their own free agents this offseason. Because they’re clearly leaving roster spots open for Vick and a Plax return AND OTHER THINGS THAT WOULD HAPPEN IN A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

Official Best Steelers Season Ever Checklist

[x] Avenge playoff loss to Jaguars in Jacksonville
[x] Destroy the Redskins in Raljon, MD with 30,000 Steelers fans in attendance
[x] Beat the shithead Ravens
[x] Beat the shithead Ravens twice
[x] Beat the shithead Ravens thrice MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[x] Curb-stomp the Greatriots in Foxboro
[x] Defeat the Cowboys on a Romo pick-six
[x] Extend winning streak over Browns to 11
[x] End the annoying Chargers fluke of being 0-13 in Pittsburgh in the regular season but 2-0 in the playoffs
[x] Finally win a goddamn AFC Championship Game at home
[x] Win a record sixth Super Bowl title, this time in a thrilling game over a hyped-up underdog, with Roethlisberger forever silencing critics with game-winning drive
[x] Do it all without an offensive line and with an insanely difficult schedule
[x] Masturbate furiously

Special thanks to haters everywhere. You make this at least 8 to 12 percent more enjoyable.

AND MY PARROT FRIEND CAME BACK!

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With no Marion Barber, Romo will have to keep his throwing pinkie warm, as the expected wind chill at kickoff in Pittsburgh is going to be in the neighborhood of 7 degrees. In the meantime, I’d like to extend a hearty fuck-you-in-the-pants to NFL Network for playing Super Bowl XIII on loop all weekend, you jinxing assholes.

So how are Dallas fans dealing with yesterday’s news that Barber will be absent? Cautious optimism tempered with wisdom and restraint?

I love you, dipshit Cowboys fans. Don’t ever change.

Somehow this is only the third meeting between Steelers and Cowboys since Super Bowl XXX. Reading the chapter in Boys Will Be Boys about the game exhumed some rather unpleasant memories. But the most embarrassing for me was the fact that I bet our school’s equivalent of Jimbo, Dolph and Kerney $100 straight-up that Pittsburgh would win that game, knowing full well they weren’t gonna give me shit even if I won the bet. I was tired of being taunted that there was no way the Steelers were going to win and wanted the stupidest way possible to show I had faith in my team. Well placed, of course!

You stupid sexy, sexy kid!

Then two months later, I contracted Bell’s Palsy (Just like Jim Ross!) and had to spent the next five months getting electroshock therapy on my face to clear it up.

Fuck, I hated 1996.

I must say, that had to have been one of the more satisfying Steelers victories since Super Bowl XL. Of course, it would have been nothing without smug, self-satisfied comments by Pats fans leading up to the game, especially those appearing in Pittsburgh publications.

Aw, that’s cute. Too bad Matt Cassel fell about 230 yards short of that 400-yard mark. Oh yeah, and he turned the ball over four times. I’m sure Randy Moss feels vastly disrespected by the footballs that bounced off his hands. But, yeah, he’s still the best there is. Unless the game matters.