Lacerated Taints. The KSK Fantasy Football/Sex Advice Mailbag
Thursday, November 13th, 2008
It’s that time of the week again. Time to fuck your teddy bear! No, wait. That’s not right. That’s not right at all. No, it’s time once again for a little bit of the old ultrasexiness. Yes, it’s the KSK Fantasy Football/Sex Advice Mailbag, where we give you crucial start/sit advice for both NFL players and that girl you’ve been dating. Does she throw shoes at you? SIT HER. Does she like frolicking on gym mats slathered in pure vegetable oil? START HER. Does she do both? STASH HER ON YOUR BENCH.
Let’s get right to questions. As always, bonus points went to the readers whose questions appeared to be sincere. And brief. Oh, how we ADORe brevity and conciseness. If you want to be in next week’s fantasy/sex mailbag, email us here. Now, let’s reach around and grab a firm hold of your inquiries.
Dear KSK,
I, too, like many of my fellow KSK readers will occasionally, well quite often, well pretty much all the time, but not every time, jerk my meat under the guise of a deuce dropping.
Typically I begin the dropping of the deuce as soon as my ass hits the seat. In the mean time while that’s taking place, I am pulling up some of the lovely from youporn on the ol’ laptop. Ok, so here’s the reason for my email. I wiped my ass after taking care of business just now while my dick was still a little hard and when the pressure of me wiping hit my asshole my dick bounced. You know like if you cough really hard with a partial boner kicking? Yeah that kind of bounce. I just wanted to make sure this happened to all guys.
Also, if someone jabs a finger in my belly button real hard it’s shoots pain through my nuts! Is that normal?
Lastly, for my flex spot this week. Willie Parker, DeSean Jackson, Mewelde Moore, or Steve Slaton?
Thanks,
DMC
Okay, first off. I’d take Slaton. He plays the Colts, who rank 24th in run defense. Willie is just coming back, so who knows how that timeshare will play out.
Secondly, I’d strongly advise you to stop trying to initiate an erection while having a bowel movement. What is your goddamn rush? You’re trying to shit, and open up a laptop, and manipulate your genitals all at once? Jesus. You’re practically giving yourself a blumpkin at this point. Multitasking is for work, not for spreading bodily fluids. You’re gonna end up shitting on your own lap somewhere down the road. These kids today.
Take your time. Enjoy a good dump. Finish off, and then do your business. Also, that peepee bouncing thing sounds pretty normal. I think it may even be a defense mechanism. “MAYDAY! MAY DAY! WE GOT A BOGEY NEAR THE SPHINCTER! REPEAT: A BOGEY NEAR THE SPHINCTER! USE ALL PENILE FORCE AT YOUR DISPOSAL!” As for your bellybutton question, stop having people fingerrape you there.
Playing in a 2 QB league, I’ve got the clusterfuck of Fitzpatrick, Collins, Frerotte, and Injured Big Ben to choose two from this week. I’m also trying to decide whether to go for Marques Colston or Jones-Drew in my flex spot, especially with Jax up against the Titans D.
Also, is there a polite way to tell a girl with a headcold to pick up the pace with a blowjob? The slobber and breathing solely through the mouth reminds me of a winded Doberman, and it’s tough to get that image out of my head and sustain an erection.
Thanks,
Rob
MJD tends to be a feast or famine guy. Tough to ignore the 3 touches last week. I guess I’d go with Colston vs. KC, gun to my head. Collins is your only somewhat reliable QB. He won’t get you 20 points, but he won’t get you –8 either. Go with him and Frerotte.
And no, there’s no polite way to dictate fellatio. You really want to risk her getting upset and then stopping? Of course you don’t. There’s no worse feeling on earth than having a person abandon you in a time of sexual need. Offer her a Ricola cough drop. I’ve heard menthol only enhances the experience for you, the male, in such instances.
/goes and buys cough drops
Two more questions for you this week:
1. Sex: If I like it when my lady tickles my balls and taint during sex, how gay does that make me?
2. Fantasy: Who should flex this week, Ricky Williams against Oakland, or Marvin Harrison against Houston?
Cheers,
George R.
1. Not gay at all. May I suggest she use a toy claw to do so?
Any toy can be a sex toy in the right hands.
2. Gotta go with Ricky. No there’s a fella who’s had his taint tickled.
I have three options to fill two spots: Marmalard, Tyler Thigpen, and Matty Ice.
Also, is it acceptable to rub one out in the bathroom at work while thinking about the hot secretary that’s on the other side of the wall? I mean, it’s OK as long as she doesn’t hear me, right?
Thanks dudes,
-J
I think it’s okay even if she DOES hear you. And the call is to start Matty Ice and Marmalard. Duh.
KSK,
I started seeing this girl and she’s both crazy and awesome in bed. A few weeks ago she stuck her finger in my ass during sex. It wasn’t totally bad and I’ve actually gotten use to it. However, now she wants to bring me up to the big leagues. Sometimes we use a vibrator on her while I go back door, but she’s brought up the idea of using it on me. She says her last boyfriend was down with it and it feels good (her vibrator isn’t that big, but definitely larger than a finger). She says that if I don’t do it than no more anal.
Also, does Jeremy Shockey have any fantasy value left or should I drop him?
~Jon
Drop Shockey. And Janice Soprano there, for that matter.
She won’t stop at the vibrator, buddy. Clearly, she’s just trying to loosen you up for the mud shark.
Fantasy: Is Larry Johnson worth starting this week? Also, is Jake Delhomme going to shit the bed again?
Sex: My girlfriend’s dog is more involved in our sex life than I’d like for her to be. She lives in an awesome studio, the only problem being that there’s no door on the bedroom (although if we locked the dog out of the room, he’d whine all night long anyway). The dog has taken to licking my fingers (think about it), sleeping on my clothes, and – worst of all – is very concerned (barking, whining, scratching) when my gf orgasms. Help!
Thanks.
Mike
Against the Saints? Yeah, I’d start LJ. Delhomme gets the Lions this week, so there’s really no better time to give him a whirl if you must.
And man, there is nothing worse than a dog who keeps trying to take your bone, so to speak. My suggestion: try orgasming onto the dog. If he’s so damn eager to get in the hay with you two, you need to let him know just what that commitment entails. Mark your territory right in that lab’s eye.
KSK,
For whatever reason, my wife keeps asking me to slap her around a little bit while we get it on, which is great. The only downside is that she occasionally sports some of the evidence (no not THAT evidence) on her face, and her coworkers get curious. Her secretary is so convinced that she has called Child Protective Services and apparently they are on notice. I’m just sure that my wife will go have an affair if I stop giving her what she wants. What the fuck do I do?
Do I start Tyler Thigpen against New Orleans or Phil Rivers against the Steelers?
Alonzo Bender
Wait, wait. She asks you to slap her around, and you haul off and punch her in the face? And she requests this? Really? Dude, you’re asking the wrong guy. My idea of being rough in bed is to make love without a fitted sheet. SO DANGEROUS! SO UNBRIDLED! I don’t know what to tell you if someone is asking you to box during intercourse.
If your girlfriend bleeds all over your sheets, is it appropriate to have her purchase the new sheets? It’s hard enough for me wash my sheets regularly, let alone purchase an entire new set.
Fantasy question. My league is a two QB league with huge penalties for fumbles and interceptions. I’m stuck with Jamarcus Russell. Should I just start some third QB who has no shot of playing and take a zero to avoid negative points?
-Dave
FLUBBY SAYS: What was the thread count on these sheets? Don’t be nickel and diming your girl over some shit you pulled off the shelf at Sears.
Your lack of faith in the S&B is well founded. Take anyone outside of Russell.
KSK,
How long should I wait before having sex with my girl after she had a yeast infection? And is it ever ok to give her oral again?
Also, Warner or Cutler this week?
-Trav
A Google search turns up a recommendation that you wait until THREE FULL DAYS have passed to resume sexual relations once the infection has passed. That goes for oral too, lest you want a nasty case of thrush. After that, the bakery is back open for business.
I say go with Warner. But Ufford also suggests you try and trade one of them for the stretch run. Fun fact: looking at Jay Cutler’s hair too long will actually give you a yeast infection.
What’s the lowdown on ass-to-mouth?
I think it’s pretty self-explanatory, isn’t it? You don’t need Urban Dictionary to know what that entails, do you?
Dear KSK,
Last weekend I had a fivesome – three girls counting me, and two boys. It was incredibly good, and sweet, and we’re all planning to do it again this weekend. I don’t actually have a question here. I’m just gloating.
-Maria
Yeah well, go fuck yourself, lady. Bet your fivesome was uglier than a Scottsdale nudist colony.
First time emailer, long time masturbator…
Few months ago, I met this chick that was 20 miles out of league. She somehow mistook me for a prime boyfriend candidate and accepted a date with me.
But I got to get this off my chest: It hurts to have sex with her. For some reason, she morphs from this cool chick with an amazing body into this fucking beast straight out of a horror film. She punches my balls with rings on her fingers. She’s lacerated my taint during a handjob (don’t ask how). She once kneed me in my liver to stimulate a nerve ending she read about in Cosmo or some gay shit like that.
The question: Is it worth taking a beating from a 9.5 if you can’t feel the excitement of getting with said girl?
Fantasy: Matt Ryan or Tony Romo?
Don’t ask how she lacerated your taint during a handjob? No, I think I really DO need to know how. Was she wearing a Freddy Kreuger glove? Does she wear spiked, Billy Idol-style wristbands? Were you hooking up on top of a Hamilton Beach electric carving knife?
I’m quite sure that you aren’t actually having sex with this girl. You claim she’s out of your league. Doesn’t her punching you in the nuts indicate to you that she feels similarly? What you consider intercourse may be self-defense aikido to others.
And start Ryan.
Hey guys-
My girlfriend keeps calling me her “little boy” or “little guy.” (She’s two inches taller than me.) She always apologizes when she says it, explaining that she only says that because I’m precious to her. She has never called me little in bed, and she has no reason to, but should I be worried?
-Something Has Overtaken Rational Thought
P.S. 1 RB position open – Barber, LenDale, or Mewelde? And on D – Tampa or Jax?
Finally! David Spade sent us an email! Explain to her you don’t like it. If she keeps doing it, then it means she doesn’t really respect you. If that’s the case, you’re gonna have to dump her. Be sure to find a sturdy stack of books to stand on when you tell her, so that she can hear you there, my little pickle-sized buddy. Let’s get you a bonnet and a wowwipop!
Start Barber and Tampa.
Two teams in my 1 keeper, big money fantasy league put through a trade last week. The team in first place got Romo, LT, and Santonio Holmes. The other, last place team got Gus Frerotte, Marshawn Lynch and Cotchery. When the league voted to veto, the commissioner said we couldn’t prove it was collusion, so he wouldn’t overturn it. My question is: What words could you possibly come up with to describe the incredible douchey-ness of this whole scenario?
Also, my girlfriend likes using a butt plug while we have sex, but won’t let me substitute in for the toy myself. How do I convince her that would be a much better experience for both of us?
-Doubly Screwed
Buy her a bigger plug to try out in advance. Baby buttsteps, children. Baby buttsteps. Peter King would be more than happy to lend you one if need be.
And that trade sucks, but it isn’t illegal. Tough shit for you, plugboy.
Hey Drew,
My girlfriend is really open-minded and kinky which has lead to the best sex of my life. The problem is she wants to have threesome with another guy. Even worse, she basically wants to watch while me and said dude get it on.
I’m not very smart or witty so so far my reasons of, “I don’t want to another man’s dick/balls anywhere near me.” hasn’t convinced her. Please tell me how to wiggle out of this situation without telling my man on man loving woman to hit the bricks.
Oh and since Tom Brady’s injury fucked my QB situation should I go with Matt Ryan against Denver or Tyler Thigpen against the Saints?
-Robert
Does anyone else think Robert here is juuust a bit tentative in his decision-making? “Hmm. Matt Ryan is playing against the league’s worst defense. But I just don’t know. Also, should I get fucked in the ass even though I’m not gay?” I think you may have a decisiveness issue there, my friend.
She’s forcing you to get it on with a member of the same sex in a threesome? That’s bullshit! ONLY GUYS ARE ALLOWED DO THAT! Everyone knows that. I don’t want to live in a world that doesn’t have outrageous sexual double standards. You kick that female chauvinist pig to the curb. And start Ryan. IT’S DENVER, FOR GOD’S SAKE.
Question: Do women orgasm quicker when they are completely shaved? I’m trying to convince my wife that they do. Any advice? Maybe some of the ladies here can shed some light on this. Also, do I start Lee Evans or Greg Jennings at WR this week?
-John
Well, lucky for your wife, I’m a trained biologist. And I can say without equivocation that shaving DOES enhance orgasms. It also reduces the risk of cervical cancer, and strengthens teeth and nails. And wearing thigh highs can reduce carbon emissions by up 35%.
Start Jennings.
Dear KSK,
I am in a 3WR/2RB league, and I was wondering who to start out of Hines Wald, TO, DeSean Jackson, Bernard Berrian, and Matt Jones, and Reggie Bush, DeAngelo Williams and Steve Slaton.
Also, are you a pedophile if you only fantasize about having sex with minors, or is that tag applied once you actually do the deed?
Love,
Andy
/forwards email to the FBI
