It’s an extra special week for my gambling habit, because I’m heading out to Vegas this afternoon. Somehow I’ve never been in Vegas during football season, so this is the weekend I finally rectify that situation. I’m not going with my group of righteous bros to show everyone how hard we throw down. Instead I’m going in my capacity as a blogger–and lover of both food and sports gambling–to check out the new Lagasse Stadium at the Palazzo.

A sports bar with it’s own built-in sports book? Yep, I will whore myself for that in a heartbeat. And now, on to the picks…

San Francisco +7 at Minnesota

The 49ers don’t fuck around on defense, and they have enough offense to keep things close against a Vikings team that has padded their record with wins over Charleston Southern and Troy. If PJ tries that bulldozer shit on Patrick Willis he might stay down for a while.

New Orleans -6 at Buffalo

Drew Brees is going to make Donte Whitner cry while former Saint Albert Connell breaks into his house.

Cincinnati +4.5 vs. Pittsburgh

Kiss the baby.

Oakland +1.5 vs. Denver

No real rationale here. I guess I just like betting against Denver for some reason. Start playing down to expectations, you fucks!

Dallas -9 vs. Carolina

Initially I wasn’t going to make a pick for this game. Then Drew alerted me to the following sentences. “This line is absolutely absurd. Five points too high.” (via)

Come on, Vegas, you’re making it too easy! Sweep the leg and so forth.

Now I happen to agree that the line is a bit inflated (sort of like every other spread involving the Cowboys), however Simmons’s hubris compels me to pick against him. Plus I’m pretty much convinced that Jerry will do anything to secure an easy win this week. So if DeAngelo Williams doesn’t come out after halftime you know it’s because Jerry installed a trap door in front of his locker that leads directly into the inescapable catacombs below.

That’s it for me. Enjoy the games, and try to not lose more than you can afford.