Dear USGA,

What the fuck? From Friday through Sunday fans on the east coast were able to watch Tiger play the Open in primetime, and now you’re just fucking us in the ass. Some people can’t stand the idea of an anti-climactic 18-hole playoff to settle the tournament, but fuck, I’m not one to complain about such things. One thing I am wont to complain about is an 18-hole playoff played at a time that guarantees my 8-5 ass won’t see a single blade of that badass kikuya.

You need to man the fuck up and tell NBC that shit needs to be on after work. I know that Jeff Zucker has a hard-on for all of those households in middle America that are clamoring for their night of American Gladiators and Nashville Star, but fuck those people. Would the advertisers even care if those piece of shit shows were preempted for some primetime Tiger? Fans of golf buy new kitchens, planes, and all of the other expensive shit made by NBC’s parent company. Fans of shitty third-rate reality programming spend their disposable income on lottery tickets, Bonnie Raitt albums, and WrestleMania tickets. To whom should you really be catering?

In the end, the USGA and NBC should ask themselves, “What would Russert do?” I think the answer is clear.

Yours in Christ,
Maj