RECE DAVIS: Hello again, everyone. Rece Davis along with NFL insider Adam Schefter. As the league’s 32 teams are about to get ready for training camp, you’re just about to head out on the road, yourself. You’ll be joining Chris Mortensen on a cross-country bus tour to visit every NFL team.

SCHEF: That’s right Rece, I’ve been going over the particulars of the trip with Chris and we’re both excited about getting out to the camps and seeing these clubs prepare for their respective seasons. Our bus is ready and waiting for us and I’m just about to board. Chris and I have talked it over and he’s really excited to have somebody else in the bus this year.

MORT: I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANYONE in the bus this year! Last year, you let me do it by myself. LET ME DO THIS BY MYSELF!…It’s hard to…uh, research…when there’s another guy in the room, ya know?

[honking from outside]

BUS DRIVER: Time to get up and move out! Great! Grand! Wonderful! Trick of the day. NO YELLING ON THE BUS!

SCHEF: Hey, we’ve already got some talent on the bus already? Mort, you didn’t tell me that they had girls on the bus before you left last year!

MORT: That’s because they didn’t! I’m gonna send a very angry tweet about this!

SCHEF: Hey, Mort! Get a picture of us! Hang on, lemme look gangsta first.

MORT: You know, maybe we shouldn’t be taking pictures of this.

SCHEF: Jeez, Mort. This bus is amazing! I don’t know where these women intend to sleep, or even how they expect to be found once we dump them in upstate New York, but I’m sure appreciating all of their efforts. If only Vernon Davis could put out like this! Uh, hang on. That came out wrong.

MORT: Hang on buddy, I’m in the middle of a very important interview. So, Fat girl’s ass, would you say that the NFC West is wide open this year? Because it doesn’t get much more wide open than what I’m looking at right now.

How come these faggots get a bus and I don’t?

Last year’s.

On July 30th of this year, ESPN dispatched noted NFL reporter Chris Mortensen on a 21-city tour of the league’s training camps. However, ESPN news personnel soon discovered that Mortensen was also conducting reports for another media outlet, one that currently remains unknown at this time. ESPN seized the written reports and images immediately, with the intention of reviewing them for disciplinary action after Mortensen’s bus tour has been concluded. No one outside of the highest-ranking executives for the network has read the reports or seen the images from this alternative set of reporting. Until now.

July 30th: Chris Mortensen is reporting that there is a bus behind him. This bus, Mort explains, is the most lavish vehicle that has ever been in his charge, and admits that he’ll have a difficult time keeping his journalistic principles in check during the trip. “This is ESPN’s Chris Mortensen, reporting in front of my new 18-wheeled passport into the panties of women in 21 different NFL cities.” That it is, Mort. That it is.

August 4th: Mort visits Green Bay and has a delightful encounter with Darlene, a waitress at a nearby diner. “”Titletown doesn’t have the same level of talent that I’ve seen in Dallas , Tennessee, and Atlanta,” Mort tells us. “I thought they were going in full pads today, but turns out they’re just a beefy lot up here.” Mort and Darlene reportedly reached a deal. Terms were not disclosed.

August 6th: Mort’s bus rolls into Bourbonnais, Illinois for Bears camp. While looking for directions, Mort meets Kelli (with an “i”), an spohomore-to-be at Olivet Nazarene and, according to anonymous reports within the school, a very bad girl. Kelli tells Mort that Bourbonnais is located squarely within Kankakee County, and proposes that Mort gather some of the Bears together for a Kankakee-kkake. Mort leaves immediately, hoping to confirm the county’s whimsical name with a second source.

August 8th: Allen Park, Michigan, a town deader than the flying wedge or VHS format, but Mort manages to find life in Lions camp with Lisa, a PR intern responsible for distributing press releases to working media present in camp. Mort repays Lisa the favor with a release of his own.

August 10th: Mort finds himself in Latrobe, Pennsylvania with Kim, a 27-year-old lifeguard at a nearby community pool. Mort responds to Kim’s taunts of Steelers domination in the recent Super Bowl by proposing “one for the taint.” Kim is down with it.

Chris Mortensen reported that copious amounts of ass was there to be had, but that it was still too early to declare a clear favorite. Preseason, after all, is about getting reps for the younger people and sharpening skills for the veterans. Only one side can come out on top at the end of the campaign, Mort says. Here’s hoping that Mort gets a few more miles out of that bus before it’s time for the grind of a new NFL season.