Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! We gotta get out the voting station! Let’s go! The lines are getting longer by the second!

Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! What’s all this now?

Marvin: It’s Election Day. We gotta go vote.

Ocho: Okay, okay, all right. I’m ready, Coach. Been waiting for this election for a LONG time. Real long time. Can’t wait! I even got my lucky voting stick!

Marvin: What’s so lucky about it?

Ocho: I don’t know. It’s just a good stick. Feel how solid that stick is.

Marvin: Whatever.

Ocho: MY STICK AND I ARE READY TO VOTE FOR SOME SHIT!

Marvin: So, you’re voting for Obama?

Ocho: What? Obama? Nah man, screw that guy. I’m voting for the white dude.

Marvin: But why?

Ocho: Because if I vote for the black dude, then Chad Ocho Cinco can’t become the first black President. Kow what I mean? No way I’m letting that shit happen. Can’t have no President O-bama without no President O-cho first.

Marvin: You’re gonna run for President one day?

Ocho: HELL 2 DA YAW. Can’t you just picture that shit?

Marvin: No. My entire central nervous system would shut down if I tried to do that.

Ocho: Yeah, well you best be picturing it. Because President Ocho gonna CHANGE SOME SERIOUS SHIT.

Marvin: Like what? What kind of platform would you have?

Ocho: Platform? Who the fuck said anything about platforms? I wanna be President. Don’t need no platform for that.

Marvin: Of course you need a platform. Otherwise, how will people know why to vote for you?

Ocho: Fine? I’ll get you a platform. Here you go.

That’s my platform. Ain’t no candidate on a better platform than me. Look how high up that shit is.

Marvin: No, no. That isn’t the kind of platform I meant. A platform is a set of beliefs or stances that a candidate or political party has. It isn’t an actual platform. It’s an abstract platform.

Ocho: You mean, like, that Pablo Picante guy made the platform?

Marvin: No. That isn’t what I meant by abstract. A political platform is just a set of beliefs. For example, where do you stand on immigration?

Ocho: Oh, I love immigrations. Ben Utecht does a crazy good immigration of you, Coach.

Marvin: Ummm… Let’s just skip immigration. Just tell me: If you were President, what would you do? What laws would you make?

Ocho: Okay. Well, the first thing I’d do is make them turn down the volume on helicopters. Because helicopters are TOO LOUD.

Marvin: What?

Ocho: I would just say to all the helicopter people, HEY MR. WHITE HELICOPTER MAN! TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!

Marvin: Okay, there isn’t a volume control on a helicopter motor. The sound it makes is the sound it makes. You can’t simply adjust it. It doesn’t have a volume knob.

Ocho: Yeah, but it should.

Marvin: But it doesn’t.

Ocho: But it should.

Marvin: But it doesn’t.

Ocho: But it should.

Marvin: But it doesn’t.

Ocho: But it should! Maybe that’s why helicopters are so damn loud to begin with! Ever think of that? You don’t know that a volume knob would work until you put it there. Am I right?

Marvin: No. You’re astonishingly wrong.

Ocho: Yeah, well whatever. The helicopter noise got 2 go! Also, as President, I would like to see us build more things on clouds.

Marvin: Like what?

Ocho: Cities. Schools. Churches. We got all these nice fucking clouds in the country, and we don’t do SHIT with them. They’re all soft and fluffy. We should really be enjoying them more. I would like to move the White House to a very nice cloud.

Marvin: Okay, that’s impossible. Clouds are not solid. They’re made of AIR.

Ocho: Oh, please. Now who’s the crazy one?! I seen clouds, Coach. Those things are fucking SOLID. And comfortable! Like a bigass beanbag chair. You know what I would do if I were President? I’d make the helicopters land on the clouds. I’d also give everyone a free fire engine.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU ARE THE FUCKING MOST INSANE RETARD I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE. HOLY FUCK. I AM TRYING TO GET YOU TO PARTICIPATE IN A FUCKING DEMOCRATIC PROCESS THAT HINGES ON REAL FUCKING ISSUES LIKE FUCKING HEALTH CARE. AND YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT BUILDING A FUCKING HOUSE ON A FUCKING CLOUD.

YOU FUCKING BLACK GIMP. DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT CLOUDS DON’T STAY STILL? THAT THEY FUCKING MOVE? AND DISSIPATE? DID THAT EVEN FUCKING OCCUR TO YOU? WHAT’S HAPPENS TO THE FUCKING WHITE HOUSE WHEN IT FLOATS OVER ENGLAND, YOU FUCK?!

Ocho: See? That’s the beauty of it. Good for spying.

Marvin: GOOD FUCKING LORD. OKAY, THAT’S IT. YOU ARE NOT FIT TO FUCKING VOTE. I’M NOT TAKING YOU TO THE GODDAMN VOTING STATION, BECAUSE YOU’D GET TO THE MACHINE AND SOMEHOW END UP TRIGGERING SOME SORT OF TACTICAL NUCLEAR STRIKE. YOU AREN’T WORTHY OF PARTICIPATING IN THIS FUCKING PROCESS, YOU BLITHERING SHITHEAD. NOT WHEN YOU THINK HELICOPTER MOTORS HAVE VOLUME CONTROLS, AND THAT POLITICAL PLATFORMS ARE THE SAME AS FUCKING CHORAL RISERS.

IN FACT, I CAN’T LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY ANYMORE. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE SOMEWHERE WHERE RETARDS LIKE YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FUCKING HELP DECIDE OUR FATE.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR TINY LITTLE FUCKING BRAIN?!

Ocho: See, I think you have an anti-Ocho bias. I think me and my voting stick better go vote over at Ray Lewis’ cloudhouse.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

(January 21, 2009)

Barry: We did it, Honey.

Michelle: No, sweetheart. YOU did it.

Barry: No, no, no. This was never about me. This was a movement of millions of Americans, white and black, young and old. These were people who were motivated to get out there and DO SOMETHING, to change the direction this country is going in. It’s a bright new day, because we’re all in this together now. I’ve always believed that a man cannot be successful without having the good fortune of encountering, along the way, people endowed with a spirit of helpfulness and generosity. And today, I consider myself a very rich man in that sense.

We’ve got a lot of tough challenges ahead. But I learned long ago that this nation has always found, in its darkest times, its grandest ideas. We’ve always come out of times like this as a stronger, better nation. And I’m convinced we are on that path again today. And it all starts here! Can you believe we made it?

Michelle: Ooh, I’m so excited! Let’s walk into our new house.

(White House door flies open)

Barry: What the…?

Barry: Who are all these people? Why are there empty Kool-Aid pitchers all over the place?

Ocho: Whoa ho yo! There he is! There’s the man! My man! My motherfuckin’ ‘Rack! How the fuck you doing, Barry?

Barry: What are you doing here?

Ocho: Oh, well I took it upon myself to move into our crib a little ahead of schedule. I thought that would be the polite thing to do. Besides, Coach Lewis kept yelling at me about how chickens can’t play raquetball. BUT HE’S WRONG ABOUT THAT SHIT.

Barry: With all due respect, Mr. Johnson…

Ocho: Ocho. Call me Ocho. Johnson is my maiden name now.

Barry: Umm… Anyway, Ocho. I don’t know why you’re here. You’re a very talented football player. But I don’t know you. I have no relation to you. I don’t know why you saw fit to move into our new home without asking us.

Ocho: No relation? NO RELATION? Look at you, man.

Barry: Okay.

Ocho: Now, look at me.

Barry: Okay.

Ocho: I rest my case. BROTHERS. FOR LIFE.

Barry: Okay, we are not actually brothers. “Brother,” in that sense, is used as a term of affection between African-American men. It does not mean we are literally brothers. You are not a member of my immediate family.

Ocho: How do you know that, though? For all I know, I COULD be your brother.

Barry: No, you couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, I could.

Barry: No, you couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, I could.

Barry: No, you couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, I could! You don’t know about, like, DNA and shit! For all you know, they could have switched up birth records. We could be TWINS.

Barry: I’m 47 years old, Chad. We couldn’t possibly be twins.

Ocho: Yeah, but how do you know you’re 47? Aren’t you from Hawaii?

Barry: Yes.

Ocho: Well, that means you’re on that fucked up Hawaii time. You may only be 47 years old in HAWAII TIME. See what I mean?

Barry: No, no, that isn’t how it works. Hawaii is in a different time zone. But years are still 365 days long. It’s not like dog years.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that. What if all dogs came from Hawaii? Think about THAT. Then dog years and Hawaii time would be all together. That’s some real “X-Files” shit right there.

Barry: Okay, ALL dogs are not from Hawaii.

Ocho: But they could be. I’ve seen them do that doggie paddle. They could have all swum over after coming out of the volcano. You should have Congress look into that.

Barry: Look, I really don’t have time for this. You seem like a nice fellow, Chad. But this is our home. And we’d prefer our privacy.

Ocho: Yeah, I know. It’s OUR home. That’s why we showed up early. Wanted to get first dibs on a bed. Also, I took the liberty of cleaning out the fridge. There wasn’t nothing but white people food in there. Like salad. Who the fuck eats salad? So we picked up whole SHITLOAD of chicken and put it in that bitch. We gonna eat good!

Barry: You can’t do that!

Ocho: I also redecorated the joint. They had pictures of these old white guys in wigs all over the place. I just tossed that shit right out. I got you a Scarface poster AND a Carlito’s Way poster. And they’re FRAMED. How nice will that look? There was also this sort of round office…

Barry: The OVAL Office.

Ocho: No, I think you’re wrong Barry. It was ROUND. Anyway. I cleared out all the boring shit in there and had them put in the hot tub. Fucking NICE.

Barry: Okay, this has gone way too far. This is OUR home, and you are not included in that grouping. This house is for my wife, my children and I. You cannot stay here.

Ocho: You can’t kick us out! We’re the first one’s here! LOOK OUTSIDE!

Barry: What?

(looks outside)

Barry: Oh, Lord.

Ocho: What you think, everyone crowded outside just to say HI? Motherfucker, we need a place to STAY. And you got the nicest place outta anyone we know. I’m surprised at you, Barry. I thought you’d be cool like that. Where the fuck are we gonna go? All my life, I’ve dreamed of seeing a black man in the White House, and then mooching off of that black man. Now you’re gonna deny me that dream. I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALL ABOUT THE HOPE, BARRY!

Barry: This is not what I meant by that. The audacity of hope, and the audacity to force your way into a stranger’s living room, are not the same thing.

Ocho: Well, you sure didn’t get that point across BEFORE. We’re HERE now. You really just gonna kick us out like that? I already grabbed a couple million out of the Treasury just for flash money.

Barry: YOU CAN’T DO THAT!

Ocho: Why not? That’s reparations. I need to be REPAIRED, Barry.

Barry: Okay, I’ve had just about enough. You need to leave now, or I will have security escort you out.

Ocho: Oh, I see. So that’s how it’s gonna be? Brother finally gets out there and makes good, becomes the goddamn PRESIDENT, and then he gonna go forget about his ROOTS? That is fucking BULLSHIT! Motherfuckin’ George Bush spent fucking EIGHT YEARS here giving shit to white people! And you can’t help out Ocho and 14,567,920 of his closest family members? You ain’t nothing more than President Bryant Gumbel, BITCH! To think I almost voted for you.

Barry: You didn’t vote?

Ocho: Nuh nuh. They make you fill out all these forms and shit. Hell no, I didn’t vote. But I sure as hell ROOTED for your ass.

Barry: Okay. Let me make this very plain. I am inspired and delighted that my election has caused such joy and pride in our African-American community. And, indeed, I think we have now raised the standard of what a black man can achieve in America today. But my election does not give you carte blanche to leech off of my family, or the American Treasury.

Ocho: Yeah, but you could CHANGE all that, right?

Barry: HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU THE DUMBEST FUCKING ASSHOLE THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER PRODUCED? THE FACT THAT I AM NOW PRESIDENT DOES NOT MEAN YOU GET TO SLEEP IN MY FUCKING HOUSE, OR EAT MY FUCKING FOOD, OR FORCE ME TO LOOK INTO THE HAWAIIAN ORIGINS OF CANINES. IT DOESN’T MEAN WE’RE TWIN BROTHERS. AND THAT’S GOOD, BECAUSE I WOULD FUCKING KILL MYSELF AND MY OFFSPRING IF THAT WERE THE CASE.

I AM HERE TO CHANGE HOW THIS COUNTRY FUNDAMENTALLY OPERATES. I AM NOT HERE TO REINFORCE ALL THE STUPID SHIT WE AS A PEOPLE, BLACK AND WHITE, ARE ALREADY DOING. YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT. I AM HERE TO MAKE THIS COUNTRY GREAT AGAIN, NOT TO ARGUE WITH YOU ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THE OVAL OFFICE IS ACTUALLY AN OVAL. ARE YOU THAT FUCKING RETARDED? ARE YOU FUCKING SARAH PALIN RETARDED?

Ocho: See, I still don’t think it’s an oval. Ray Lewis moved into the basement last week. Let’s go ask him.

Barry: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.