Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 2 in the NFL happen as they did.

I, God, allowed the Raiders of Oakland to conquer the Chiefs of Kansas City because Al Davis really wanted to fire that coach and I will do anything to get that guy upset. Why do you think I’ve allowed him to live this long? Do you know how much it hurts that guy to take a piss? My vengeance is all-powerful!

The noble Redskins of Washington were able to best the self-proclaimed “Saints” of New Sodom Orleans because thousands of Redskins fans killed themselves after last week. Sure it may not be such a loss to some of you down there, but it was like afterlife version of Art Monk and Darrell Green’s Hall of Fame induction up here.

Man, unlike Me, is fallible. This fact was exemplified on Sunday when referee Ed Hochuli’s subverted My will with an inadvertent blow of the whistle. This is not the first time I have had issues with this mortal. I made you in my image, Mr. Hochuli, do you now think you are better than me with your muscles of the damned? I banish thee to Hell! Not literally of course. I’ll just see to it that you are assigned to games in Baltimore for the rest of eternity!

The Seahawks of Seattle lost to the wicked gays of San Francisco, but this was My will. In fact, I will continue to cause loss after loss for the Seahawks in an effort to finally teach Mike Holmgren a lesson before he retires. Thou shalt not worship at the altar of another god, even if he is Bill Walsh.

I contemplated allowing the Falcons of Atlanta to win another game, if for no other reason than to confuse the crap out of you mortals. But then I went to one of those Home Depot places, and suddenly I’m not feeling so generous towards Arthur Blank. Good Me that place is frustrating. I’m all-seeing and all-knowing and I couldn’t find shit! All I wanted was one fucking shelf and I was there for eight hours! Mr. Blank, you know not the evil you have wrought on humanity.

Finally, the Colts of Indianapolis were able to get past the Vikings of Minnesota because that lumpy bag of cocks Drew Magary thinks he’s some kind of big deal. It was in everyone’s best interest to bring him down another notch. If he keeps acting this way I might have to make his family walk out on him. Hell, maybe I’ll make him my new Job.

That is all, be sure to tip your Angels and remember, let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

/chucks rock at Brady Quinn

Thanks, God!

Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 1 in the NFL happen as they did.

I made the Eagles of Philadelphia destroy the Rams of St. Louis because the people of St. Louis are not righteous, worshipful people. They are ugly, and dumb, and they overeat far too much for My tastes. I see these people late night, sneaking out of bed and going to snack on the birthday cake they have hidden away in the closet. They disgust me. I made man in My own image, and these people are ruining that fucking image.

I allowed the Saints of New Orleans to get by the Buccaneers of Tampa Bay because it felt right the right thing to do. I also made Reggie Bush score a TD, because I knew if he had a good game, his girlfriend Kim would do her Godly, girlfriendly duties and ride him like a chariot. That’s the one advantage of being all-seeing and all-knowing: You can watch people fuck ALL THE TIME.

I injured Tom Brady’s knee because Tom Brady has not been humble before Me. He has been lying in bed with lascivious women of ill repute. He has imbibed wine. He has eschewed his duties to his church in favor of jetting around the world with his tight-bodied little Brazilian strumpet. And frankly, it’s starting to get on my fucking nerves. No one should be having more fun than me, dammit. I’m fucking GOD. That is not right. So I snapped his leg like a little twig. Felt great.

I made the Raiders of Oakland lose because Al Davis is a filthy Jew.

Also, I have abandoned Oakland as a whole. It knows what it did.

I injured Vince Young’s knee and made him go bonkers because Vince Young does not lead the kind of lifestyle I approve of. He dances shirtless. He does not praise Me for his good fortune. Worst of all, he does not pray to Me for guidance, and there is no greater sin. I’ve been watching this game for 100 years. I think I know quite a bit about footwork. But does this little shit ever ask Me what I think about his mechanics? Fuck that guy.

I allowed the Panthers of Carolina to pull out that miracle win against the Chargers of Saint Diego. And don’t tell me it wasn’t a miracle. It WAS a fucking miracle. I made it happen, okay? I would know.

I made the Redskins lose against the spread because I made a bet against them with Helen Keller. She still doesn’t know I’m God. I told her I’m Warren Zevon. Easy money. I wish they had kept the point spreads in the back of the Bible, like I had originally commanded.

I made the Bengals of Cincinnati lose to the Ravens of Baltimore because the Bengals are unrepentant sinners. They have stolen. They have lied. They have coveted and known the wives of others. Also, one time, I saw Carson Palmer sneak into a back alley and give this really shifty-looking guy a handjob. Real vigorous one, too. Pretty gross. Had to sneak a peek at Brady taking Gisele to Poundtown to help get that image out of My brain.

I also made the Vikings of Minnesota lose, just because I like to screw with people.

Thanks God! Stick around more divine analysis all year long!

YES! I knew it! I knew staying in Denver after I got cut would pay big dividends. Oh, thank you, DNC. Thank you so very much. Finally, this town’s gonna be flooded with girls who are WILLING to have abortions!

Nice!

I can’t wait. For four whole days, I am gonna be surrounded by some seriously desperate independent feminazi poon tang. These chicks have been marching and canvassing and protesting all year long. Something tells me they’re ready to vote for some Travis Henry Cock to help wind down! It’s got the highest THC content of all!

Best of all, I don’t even have to TRY and convince these gals to go and get scraped! Hell, they can’t wait to get pregnant, then spin on over to the Baby Dispatch Clinic and get it all on video for their Master’s thesis art project at Oberlin. AWESOME.

Sure, most of these chicks are over 150 lbs, and old, and have short hair, and wear fanny packs. IT’S WORTH THE TRADEOFF FOR ONE KICKASS RU-486 PARTY, I TELL YOU! GET ME SOME PLASTIC SHEETING FOR MY CONDO FLOOR! All I have to do is tell them how hard it is to be a black man America today, and their lily-white, open-minded asses are MINE! Shit, I’ll wear a goddamn Obama mask if they want!

Finally. No more getting laid, then sitting around happily oblivious for six weeks, only to have the girl come knocking at my door talking about, “Hey, you’re gonna be a Daddy now, Travis. You have responsibilities. THIS IS MY BABY AND MY CHOICE!” God, what a bunch of tightasses these Denver chicks are. “I care about family!” Pfft. Whatever, Hitler lady.

No more trying to convince them. No more punching them in the tummy and hoping for the best. No more pretending to “sleepwalk” with my trusty wire hanger. No more calling Rae Carruth for advice. FINALLY, SOME CHICKS ARE IN TOWN WHO KNOW HOW TO FUCKING PARTY! THEY CAN’T ALL BE LESBOS!

I’m telling you, this town is gonna be Shangri-La for bareback riding enthusiasts the world over. I heard Larry Bird is even showing up! I’m gonna slip so many past the goalie, you’d think it was the goddamn NHL All-Star game. Just call me Alexander Inbitchkin!

I BETTER CALL WILLIS MCGAHEE!