It’s that time of week again. Time for me to bust out my big mailsack, jostle it around, give it a firm slap, and see what comes gushing out. Wanna be in next week’s column? Email us right here. As always, points awarded for brevity and sincerity. And herpes! You people, by the way, really need to work on the brevity part. Off we go.

Football – the Falcons have never ever had back-to-back winning seasons. Is 2009 the year, or do we find out that Matt Ryan has been running a Ponzi scheme, which is now even worse than fighting dogs?

C

That is an excellent question. There’s nothing worse than trying to gratify yourself in a subpar office chair. You end up straining an oblique muscle and shooting onto the armrest. Now, the most widely coveted office chair in corporate America is the Aeron chair.

Its mesh weave design is meant to be breathable. And that’s important, lest you get the dreaded swamp-ass. But kicking back in an Aeron, I find, isn’t all that comfortable. In fact, I find the whole exercise of masturbating in ANY chair to be a pain in the ass, because you can’t straighten out in a chair. If you’re like me, the closer you get to the end, the more you straighten out your whole body. I’m stiff like a goddamn cadaver by the time I’m ready to deliver a payload. My knees are locked. My back is arched. I could be used as a load-bearing pillar at that point.

Thus, I suggest you adjust your technique so you aren’t dependent on the chair. That’s right. I suggest you finish STANDING UP. A bold move, but one that could save you years of lower back pain and give you a more satisfying release.

As for the Falcons, I would actually be pretty confident about the future. They had a point differential of 66 last season, which means their winning record was, statistically, not a very fluky thing. I’m not sure they’ll do better than 11 wins next year, but there’s no reason they can’t be a playoff team again, particularly with Ryan at the helm. Goddamn teams with franchise QB’s. CHERISH WHAT YOU HAVE!

S’up Bitches?

Please never address us like this ever again.

So my life sucks. I’m a female and found a bump on the vajayjay a few weeks ago. The doctor looked at it and said it was a wart and that I have HPV.

DAGGER!

She put acid on it…

GAHHHHH!!!

and it’s gone but I don’t think that’s what it was. None of my previous partners had any warts nor did any of their partners. Trust me, I asked and made them ask. How do I find out if I got a BS diagnosis or am I highly screwed? Will I ever get laid again?

Screwed,
NYC

No, you’re screwed. You have HPV. The reason you don’t think the doctor was right was because you don’t WANT the doctor to be right. The fact that none of your partners had visible warts means nothing. And the fact that you asked them, again, means nothing. Your circumstantial evidence against having genital warts is no match for the physical evidence of your doctor having to burn a damn wart off your hoohoo. I don’t know much about HPV, so let’s check the Wiki…

human papillomavirus

Ooh, sounds like your genitals get wrapped in puff pastry.

HPV infection is a cause of nearly all cases of cervical cancer.

Ruh roh.

However most infections with these types do not cause disease.

Phew! Let’s hope Wikipedia is right this one time!

A cervical Pap smear is used to detect cellular abnormalities. This allows targeted surgical removal of condylomatous and/or potentially precancerous lesions prior to the development of invasive cervical cancer. Although the widespread use of Pap testing has reduced the incidence and lethality of cervical cancer in developed countries, the disease still kills several hundred thousand women per year worldwide. HPV vaccines, Gardasil and Cervarix, which prevent infection with some of the sexually transmitted HPV types that cause the most disease may lead to further decreases in the incidence of HPV-induced cancers.

Jesus. This makes herpes sounds like a damn Sunday cruise.

One study found that, during 2003–2004, at any given time, 26.8% of women aged 14 to 59 were infected with at least one type of HPV.

26.8%? Holy smokes. HIDE YOUR DONGS!

Okay, so this is pretty serious business. I suggest crawling out of your little cocoon of denial and monitoring yourself pretty closely. It’s not the end of the world. Looks like a shitload of other people have it. But if you try and plug your ears and pretend you don’t have it, it could come back to haunt you. IN THE CERVIX!.

Dear Guys Whose Damn Tournament Has Made It So I Can’t Browse Your Blog At Work (GWDTHMISICBYBAT),

PUNTER!!!!!

A topic that has cropped at my office is the future that reversible vasectomy holds. Basically it would allow you roll without a condom, while holding no fear of accidental procreation, followed by child support and other expensive things. You still run the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, but as the Gay Mafia has told us, herpes is in the vogue now.

Yeah, but that was before I found out that some STD’s require having a doctor POUR FUCKING ACID ONTO YOUR GENITALS.

Monkeying with the system though does carry inherent risks, but it does offer protection from gold diggers. I maintain that if this is a concern for you then you’re sleeping with the wrong women, but others claim it could be useful for college. What’s your advice on setting yourself to shoot blanks through college to avoid kids? You get the bonus of sex without a condom, but you run the risk of damaging the boys.

Testicle Trauma

If you want to have kids down the road, there’s no point gambling with a “temporary” vasectomy that could leave you permanently sterile. You may not give a shit about sterility when you’re in your early 20’s. But that changes, I assure you. Some men actually DO end up wanting children. I, of course, am not one of them, but still. Use a rubber. You don’t want the warts.

You’re a Redskins fan? What the fuck makes you better than a Lions fan? At least Lions fans KNOW they’ll suck every year. COOCH ZORN KNOOS THIS OFFENSE NOW!

Hey KSK,

Anyway, one of the guys from my league is dating and living with this girl who dated one of the other guys in our league for about 6 months and was banging this other guy in the league.

Wait, so she banged TWO other guys in your league? Is she the league trophy or something?

I want to know if its kosher to make fun of him about this or does this fall under the don’t make fun of other guys’ wives/girlfriends. My feeling is that I’m making fun of the guy, not his better half so it’s all right.

Football: Please tell me that there’s no chance Jason Taylor ends up in NE

But you WOULD be making fun of his better half by making light of the fact that she’s sloppy seconds, or dirty thirds, or whatever the fuck she is. Of course your friend will get pissed if you tease him about it. I suggest pulling the “your girlfriend is a bicycle” card only if he pulls a shady trade.

“Whoa whoa whoa. You got Marmalard for Devery Henderson? YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A SLUT AND A HALF.”

Otherwise, off limits.

Taylor has 0% chance of ending up in New England*

*- margin of error: +/-100%

Dear Cosa Nostra of Catching, (rim shot!)

Signed,
The Deprived and the Depraved

It’s impossible to gauge which rookie skill position players will excel if they haven’t been drafted yet. If Knowshon goes to some team with a god awful offensive line and no passing game (LIONS AT #20!), of course he won’t be as effective than if he gets drafted by a team like the Jets, who have a decent front.

I can’t tell you how to get laid if you haven’t yet, except that you just keep trying. Don’t take rejection personally. Someone out there will give you a chance at some point if you’re genuine and not a dick. Like I say, you tell a thousand jokes, one of them is bound to be funny.

Pioneers of Porn,

Big Red.

Immoral? FUCK AND NO. You’re a single guy trying to get laid. Bang her on the damn dining room table if that’s your only option.

Cutler was born a bitch and will die a bitch. That’s just who he is.

Hey there, cadre o’ cock clutchers.

-PM

Since I am neither European nor a Pet Shop Boys fan, I have never taken ecstasy, so I can’t answer your question with any degree of accuracy. I’ll leave this one to the commenters. They just seem to looooove bossing people around.

The whole Bears QB situation is insane. What the fuck is this team doing? For years now, they’ve blatantly ignored trying to improve the position. It makes no fucking sense. And the Vikings’ situation makes me want to get HPV in my asshole.

KSK Crew,
Sex: So this girl who I used to hook up with in high school recently became single again and has been trying to get me to hang out with her again. Now the reason why I stopped getting with her back in the day was because she’s a little psycho/stalkerish. Now she’s still pretty hot, but I’m still getting the stalker vibe from her. I know I can get laid, but is it worth it at the price of having a stalker on my hands?

No.

Football: Now that he’s been released from the Rams, do you see the Ravens having any chance at landing Tory Holt?

Keith

Sure, why not. Seems like a decent fit.

Sex:
Recently I’ve transitioned from some random flirting with this girl (she initiated) to actually going out a few times. At first glance this is not a shy chick by any means; some of the things I’ve heard come out of her mouth have turned me on and disgusted me simultaneously. Here’s the thing though: when we are together 1 on 1 we do boyfriend-girlfriend shit and she acts very in to me but fairly prude…. but every time we go out drinking heavily with a larger group of friends the night, without fail, ends in an enthusiastic trip to Poundtown. Drunk sex is all well and good, but I’m going to need to shoot a sober load or two at some point before I start murdering hobos. I like this girl but I can’t decide: is she just closet-shy or am I getting entangled in a web of crazy?

Plenty of ladies need a bit of liquid courage to get aggressive in the sack. Sounds like you’re unlikely to change her methods. Stock up on the Cabernet, fella.

Football:
Cutlerfucker on the Bears… it sounds so wrong but it feels so right. I would have no problem dealing with some bummerfaces if it meant my team had something besides a “serviceable quarterback” for once in my fucking life. Any chance at all of this happening?

Mike in Chicago

Nope.

Sex:

A couple of weekends ago, something went horribly, horribly wrong in the bedroom. I was nut-deep in her face about to reach the Big O when she decided, as she had heard this was a turn on, to stick a wet finger in my ass. In retrospect, I appreciate her intentions. WELL, what she did not take into account is that I happened to be suffering from a painful enflamed hemorrhoid, and as her digit slid into my angry anus up to the second knuckle, her nail essentially punctured it.

Excuse me for a moment: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Pain like you would not believe ensued. I screamed like a girl (all of this as I am beginning to splooge, keep in mind) and she yanked her finger out which was now covered in my shit and ass-blood.

Oooh! Oooh! I have you going to the final 8 in our fetish tourney!

I spent the next hour crying on a toilet and dabbing at the bloody mess in my ass. It was a week before I could wear white underwear again. So my question is: how on earth do I ever look this girl in the eye again in the bedroom? Will it ever not be awkward, or will I have flashbacks to this moment for the rest of relationship? Oh, and can I use this as leverage to get anal?

Why would you want ANYTHING to do with any anus after that? No, I think you can get past it if you genuinely love her. It was an accident. A horrible, horrible accident. Have a couple good experiences in the future and the bad stuff will get wiped away. Jesus, that’s a fucking horrible story. I’m gonna barf in my hat.

Football:

Jim

They already addressed their secondary with Bodden and Springs. I think they’re the clear favorite to win it all again this year. You fucker. A PUNCTURED ANUS IS WHAT YOU DESERVE.

Hey,

Regards,
Captain Anteater

I’m cut, and I just had my new kid cut when he was born. I’m not terribly sure I made the correct decision. You have a kid, the kid is born, and looks healthy. So why lop off part of his genitals right off the bat? Odd custom. “It’s a boy! Quick, let cut his penis!” I don’t really know how it came to pass. You’re probably right that uncut is the way to go. But fuck it. I’m a cut man and that’s the way it is. I’ll be damned if my kid’s gonna rock a turtleneck.

The one thing no one talks about in the TO signing is that he got fucking old last year. He wasn’t quite as fast, and he already drops passes like a fucking Seahawk. I think this year could easily be his last in football.

Sex: The girlfriend is coming to visit me in Europe while I’m studying abroad. Despite her declarations while in the US that she would “never have anal” (and my agreement I wasn’t interested – cause what else can I say?), is this or is it not the perfect time to make the push for earning my brown belt?

+1 for brown belt

I’ve got the magic of a foreign city, us alone, “I’ll never tell” all going my way, is it possible?

Nope. People tend to be protective of their assholes like that. You saw what happened with the other guy.

Football: My drafting style has never been very good. I usually try to be sneaky and “steal” that “breakout” player for this season. Last year I grabbed Willis McGahee (bust) and the Cincinnati starting RB (can’t even remember name now, I dropped him so early) in the first two rounds. Do you have any draft secrets that work, or should I just go down the list provided by the pros and not try to showoff. Oh I had two wins all last year, so clearly my style didn’t work out.

Sincerely,
Terrible Drafter

It’s all fucking luck. Just go at it again and maybe you’ll come up a winner this time around. And if you lose again, hey, it still beats having HPV.