Donning the Drew Magary Label salmon polo, Derek Anderson laid into reporters who would dare question why a not entirely sullen expression crossed his face on the sideline while the team was getting demolished by the 49ers. Hey, no worries, champ. You lost the game but you won inclusion into the next DJ Steve Porter press conference meltdown mix.

If you watched the end of the Broncos-Patriots game as I did, you remember sitting there for a solid minute or two after Matt Prater’s game winning kick as CBS cameras gleefully followed Bill Belichick around as he tried to search through the crowd on the field, in vain, for his lost love Josh McDaniels. It was just like the subway scene at the end of Crocodile Dundee.

Belichick wandered around for ages in his gay little hat, looking around for McDaniels so he could grudgingly shake his hand. “mumblemumble where is that little fucker so I can get this over with mumblemumble.” All the while, you have Jim Nantz being a fucking dipshit and telling you how much these two love one another and how much respect they have for one another. They should just call Nantz the fucking Whitewasher and get it over with. EVERYONE GETS ALONG IN NANTZLAND!

Then, eventually, at the end of the above video, Belichick starts running toward the tunnel and gives that “oh, fuck it” look and jogs in the tunnel without ever having seen McDaniels. It’s a delight of comic unfulfillment. “mumblemumble well FUCK HIM THEN, I guess mumblemumble”. Meanwhile, McDaniels is on the other side of the field going all Howard Dean on the crowd BEEYAAAWWWWW!!!! All by himself. Is there anything these two men do that doesn’t plumb the nadir of social awkwardness?

Anyway, your Broncos were certainly measty this week, BUT NOT ENOUGH! Your meast of the week is Matt Hasselbeck of the Seahawks.

I know Peyton is already guaranteed the MVP. But holy shit, does Seattle miss this man when he’s gone. There may not be a larger drop in quality from starter to backup anywhere else in the league. It’s staggering how awful they are with Seneca Wallace at the helm, and how capable they are when Hasselbeck is healthy. Also, Hasselbeck isn’t married to a screechy yapcunt.

For this week’s Least of the Week, there was some debate. Do you give it to Horse Balls for completing just two passes, or do you give it to the team that LOST to Horse Balls and his two formidable completed passes? Such a tough choice… no, no. We have to go Horse Balls. Man, that was one historically shitty passing day.

Derek Anderson: I know you fans have been wondering what I’ve been doing this off-season, what with expectations being ratcheted up for the Browns this year and my totally sweet contract extension. Some people even got us pegged as Super Bowl contenders.

Guy: I theenk you hov what it takes to cunt end.

Anderson: Thanks, pal.

This here’s Jervis. Been hanging out with him on Joe Thomas’ boat some weekends. Really mellows me out.

Jervis: Ya, is real nice.

Anderson: I’ve known the guy for a few years. I met him this one time at a sports collectors show. This was back after the ’06 season, when I was still trying to find my way in the league. Just having a really hard time of it. He came up to where I was signing and said something that just blew my mind.

Jervis: I tell heem…

I tell heem throw to Brah-lon.

Anderson: See? I would’ve never come up with that on my own. People rag on this guy. He’s had a pretty rough life, but he comes through with these astounding pearls of wisdom.

Jervis: When teem blitz you…

Throw to Brah-lon.

Anderson: Holy shit, dude! How the fuck does he know that? That’s better advice than Romeo Crennel has given me in, like, forever.

Hey, little dude: What happens when the other team double-covers Braylon?

Jervis: Erm.

Brah-lon is dooble cooved?

Anderson: Should I tuck and run?

Jervis: Nooooooooo

You ees slow.

You throw…

You throw to Weenslow.

Anderson: Dude. Fuck. Dude. Okay. This is gold. Let me get that down real quick.

Okay. Team blitz me?

Jervis: Brah-lon.

Anderson: [Writing on ship manifest] Got it. Team double-covers Braylon?

Jervis: Weenslow.

Anderson: All right. All right. How about this: We’re playing the Steelers. 3rd and long. Three-receiver set, shotgun formation with two sidecars. Slot receiver motions left before the slant. Steelers blitz off the right side while dropping the two weak side backers into coverage, but still send the free safety. One of the backs is assigned to block my blind side while the other goes across the middle of the field.

Jervis: Queek slant to slot.

Anderson: YES! Man, we gotta get you a headset for the sidelines. Here, try it on.

[Jervis drops the headset in the water]

Anderson: …

We’ll work on that.

Roethlisberger has 22 TDs and seven picks, despite having a mediocre offensive line that makes him run for his life. But, yeah, he’s totally an overrated game manager.

Give the retard his due. Or at least something shiny.