Donning the Drew Magary Label salmon polo, Derek Anderson laid into reporters who would dare question why a not entirely sullen expression crossed his face on the sideline while the team was getting demolished by the 49ers. Hey, no worries, champ. You lost the game but you won inclusion into the next DJ Steve Porter press conference meltdown mix.

If you watched the end of the Broncos-Patriots game as I did, you remember sitting there for a solid minute or two after Matt Prater’s game winning kick as CBS cameras gleefully followed Bill Belichick around as he tried to search through the crowd on the field, in vain, for his lost love Josh McDaniels. It was just like the subway scene at the end of Crocodile Dundee.

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Derek Anderson: I know you fans have been wondering what I’ve been doing this off-season, what with expectations being ratcheted up for the Browns this year and my totally sweet contract extension. Some people even got us pegged as Super Bowl contenders.

Guy: I theenk you hov what it takes to cunt end.

Anderson: Thanks, pal.

This here’s Jervis. Been hanging out with him on Joe Thomas’ boat some weekends. Really mellows me out.

Jervis: Ya, is real nice.

Anderson: I’ve known the guy for a few years. I met him this one time at a sports collectors show. This was back after the ’06 season, when I was still trying to find my way in the league. Just having a really hard time of it. He came up to where I was signing and said something that just blew my mind.

Jervis: I tell heem…

I tell heem throw to Brah-lon.

Anderson: See? I would’ve never come up with that on my own. People rag on this guy. He’s had a pretty rough life, but he comes through with these astounding pearls of wisdom.

Jervis: When teem blitz you…

Throw to Brah-lon.

Anderson: Holy shit, dude! How the fuck does he know that? That’s better advice than Romeo Crennel has given me in, like, forever.

Hey, little dude: What happens when the other team double-covers Braylon?

Jervis: Erm.

Brah-lon is dooble cooved?

Anderson: Should I tuck and run?

Jervis: Nooooooooo

You ees slow.

You throw…

You throw to Weenslow.

Anderson: Dude. Fuck. Dude. Okay. This is gold. Let me get that down real quick.

Okay. Team blitz me?

Jervis: Brah-lon.

Anderson: [Writing on ship manifest] Got it. Team double-covers Braylon?

Jervis: Weenslow.

Anderson: All right. All right. How about this: We’re playing the Steelers. 3rd and long. Three-receiver set, shotgun formation with two sidecars. Slot receiver motions left before the slant. Steelers blitz off the right side while dropping the two weak side backers into coverage, but still send the free safety. One of the backs is assigned to block my blind side while the other goes across the middle of the field.

Jervis: Queek slant to slot.

Anderson: YES! Man, we gotta get you a headset for the sidelines. Here, try it on.

[Jervis drops the headset in the water]

Anderson: …

We’ll work on that.

That’s a nice first half you put up Derek Anderson, with the benefit of a couple of short fields. How did you nurse that 12-point halftime lead? Going three of 12 until the final drive of the game, one-hopping and overthrowing your receivers when the Steelers didn’t sack you once? Did the Browns return unit outgain its offense by 50 yards? I think so.

Roethlisberger has 22 TDs and seven picks, despite having a mediocre offensive line that makes him run for his life. But, yeah, he’s totally an overrated game manager.

Give the retard his due. Or at least something shiny.