Slightly Less Large Father Drew appeared on Washington Post Live last night. Here’s video of his appearance with Ivan Carter, who I would safely call the happiest black man in America. Seriously, dude, what are you on? Anyway, the only thing new you can take away from this is that Carter knows nothing about the internet and that Drew knows nothing about ironing pants.

He was a sullen, unpleasant, nonverbal man. I thought maybe I could break down his reticence by taking him and his girlfriend out to dinner. She ordered for him, then cut up his steak and fed it to him.

Read that a few times just to digest it. This was a grown man so emotionally stunted he needed his girlfriend to cut up his food and feed it to him. Jesus. So, as you can imagine, I tuned into “Deion & Pilar: Prime Time Love” on the Oxygen network (Oxygen: It’s Lifetime, Without The Beatings!) the other night expecting one thing: to see Pilar cut up Deion’s food and feed it to him like the goddamn retard that he is.

Instead, I got Pilar scheming with a friend about what to do with “spousal allowance”. She settled on getting a chef and a nanny. Because she doesn’t like doing anything, you see. Watching this show is about as interesting as watching my dick go limp.

I got a better idea, Pilar. How about you used that thoroughly unearned money to buy your husband a training spoon, a burp cloth and a pack of Luvs. Then I can watch you try and keep him from being a drooling idiot. CUT THAT MEAT, GIRLFRIEND! CUT THAT MEAT!