I was of the mind that Satan had already crafted his perfect sports talk radio show, and that show was called “The Herd With Colin Cowherd, A Man Who Rapes Toddlers And Drinks Only Pancreatic Fluid”. I don’t really know how you can make a more shrill, smarmy, intolerable radio show than that. But people, I am here to tell you: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE SATAN’S POWERS. He is creatively evil on a level far beyond mortal comprehension. Which is why I got the following press release in my mailbox yesterday:

ACTOR JERRY FERRARA HOSTS FANTASY FOOTBALL SHOW ON SIRIUS XM

“Fantasy football players love to talk to other fantasy football players about anything and everything fantasy football related,” said Ferrara. “That’s what my new SIRIUS XM show is all about. When NFL season rolls around, I become totally consumed with fantasy football and I know there are a lot of others out there like me. Having a place to talk it all out is almost therapeutic! Call me up and let’s talk about potential trades, waiver wire pickups, who you should start this weekend. And we’ll get some experts into the mix to give you the advice and info you need to get an edge in your league.”

Few things terrify me more than the fact that we live in a world where fucking Turtle from Entourage can become a multi-platform success. Honestly, I don’t even know why I play fantasy football anymore if this is the end byproduct of our collective enjoyment of the game. I can already envision some of the calls now…

CALLER: Yo Jerry! BRAHHHH!!!

FUCKING TURTLE: ‘Sup! ‘Sup! Where you callin’ from?

CALLER: I’m callin’ from Santa Monica, baby! Lotta honeys out here!

FUCKING TURTLE: Love the honeys from Santa Monica!

CALLER: Should I start Eli or Flacco this week?

FUCKING TURTLE: That’s a tough one. You know Eli is my boy! I think we gotta patch in my buddy ADRIAN GRENIER to see what he thinks! Hey Ad…

THIS IS THE PART WHERE I FLY OVER THE SIRIUS STUDIO AND DROP A BUCKET OF AIDS BLOOD-CARRYING MOSQUITOES DOWN, CAUSING TURTLE AND HIS SOUND MIXER TO CHOKE ON AIDS BLOOD AND DIE.

I do not like this program.

Int. Dolphins HQ two weeks ago.

Executive 1: So we’ve changed the stadium’s name, associated ourselves with Jimmy Buffet, and brought in some other big name owners like Gloria Estefan, Marc Anthony, and Jennifer Lopez. You know, for the fans. Still, I feel like we need something else to get them packing the stands this season.

Executive 2: Well everybody hates the team’s fight song, maybe we could come up with something a little better to improve fan support.

Executive 1: I like where you’re going with that, but a new song will cost money, and frankly we don’t have time to start pricing out songwriters.

Executive 2: Well I happen to know of an artist who can take an existing song and breathe new life into it in a matter of minutes.

Executive 1: Really? What’s this guy’s name? Is he expensive?

Executive 2: His name is T-Pain and he’ll record pretty much anything in exchange for something shiny. My kids say he’s all the rage.

Executive 1: Sounds good. How does he do it?

Executive 2: From what I understand he sings into this magic box and it turns any boring old song into a guaranteed hit that the kids will love for at least a week.

Executive 1: [into intercom] Get me T-Pain’s people on the phone. Oh, and how about that drunk artist who paints all of that annoyingly colorful crap? Yeah, let’s get him in on this project too!

via All Hip Hop