I was of the mind that Satan had already crafted his perfect sports talk radio show, and that show was called “The Herd With Colin Cowherd, A Man Who Rapes Toddlers And Drinks Only Pancreatic Fluid”. I don’t really know how you can make a more shrill, smarmy, intolerable radio show than that. But people, I am here to tell you: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE SATAN’S POWERS. He is creatively evil on a level far beyond mortal comprehension. Which is why I got the following press release in my mailbox yesterday:

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Int. Dolphins HQ two weeks ago.

Executive 1: So we’ve changed the stadium’s name, associated ourselves with Jimmy Buffet, and brought in some other big name owners like Gloria Estefan, Marc Anthony, and Jennifer Lopez. You know, for the fans. Still, I feel like we need something else to get them packing the stands this season.

Executive 2: Well everybody hates the team’s fight song, maybe we could come up with something a little better to improve fan support.

Executive 1: I like where you’re going with that, but a new song will cost money, and frankly we don’t have time to start pricing out songwriters.

Executive 2: Well I happen to know of an artist who can take an existing song and breathe new life into it in a matter of minutes.

Executive 1: Really? What’s this guy’s name? Is he expensive?

Executive 2: His name is T-Pain and he’ll record pretty much anything in exchange for something shiny. My kids say he’s all the rage.

Executive 1: Sounds good. How does he do it?

Executive 2: From what I understand he sings into this magic box and it turns any boring old song into a guaranteed hit that the kids will love for at least a week.

Executive 1: [into intercom] Get me T-Pain’s people on the phone. Oh, and how about that drunk artist who paints all of that annoyingly colorful crap? Yeah, let’s get him in on this project too!

via All Hip Hop