Read the rest of this entry »

EA SPORTS TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE. Via the Arizona Republic, your rumored Yearly Roster UpdateMadden ’10 cover boys are the long-tressed duo of Fitty and Troy Polamalu. Chris Littman of First Cuts is still guessing Roethlisberger, which would require it to be a first-person shooter with Choco Taco power-ups (I’d play it!), so either way I’m boned. [Shutdown Corner]

My homerism for Nnamdi Asomugha is well-documented. But now that he has allowed the Raiders to sign him to the richest contract in football, it has bloomed to an all-out mancrush. Why shouldn’t Asomugha make boatloads of scrilla? No one is the game does their job as well as Asomugha does his. A man of his stature commands a salary substantially more than that of Chump Bailey.

The Raiders also re-signed the NFL’s top punter Shane Lechler to boot (heh heh, boot, get it?). Some thought that the Raider would not be able to keep both the NFL’s best corner and best punter, but they proved otherwise. Maybe Al Davis finally realized that he if is going to overpay somebody it should be good players like Asomugha and Lechler instead of wretched bums like DeAngelo Hall and Javon Walker.

With these huge signings, is Oakland really the purgatory that it has been made out to be the past few years? Probably, but it goes to show what some people will tolerate for Scrooge McDuck money.

Official Best Steelers Season Ever Checklist

[x] Avenge playoff loss to Jaguars in Jacksonville
[x] Destroy the Redskins in Raljon, MD with 30,000 Steelers fans in attendance
[x] Beat the shithead Ravens
[x] Beat the shithead Ravens twice
[x] Beat the shithead Ravens thrice MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[x] Curb-stomp the Greatriots in Foxboro
[x] Defeat the Cowboys on a Romo pick-six
[x] Extend winning streak over Browns to 11
[x] End the annoying Chargers fluke of being 0-13 in Pittsburgh in the regular season but 2-0 in the playoffs
[x] Finally win a goddamn AFC Championship Game at home
[x] Win a record sixth Super Bowl title, this time in a thrilling game over a hyped-up underdog, with Roethlisberger forever silencing critics with game-winning drive
[x] Do it all without an offensive line and with an insanely difficult schedule
[x] Masturbate furiously

Special thanks to haters everywhere. You make this at least 8 to 12 percent more enjoyable.

AND MY PARROT FRIEND CAME BACK!

Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s your 2009 Hall of Fame class:
Bob Hayes
Bruce Smith
Randall McDaniel (yay)
Derrick Thomas
Rod Woodson
Ralph Wilson

I have no qualms with any of the above men making the Hall, and am indeed delighted Randall McDaniel got in (Take that, Strokey Zimmerman!). But you see the gentleman in the photo above? That’s Cris Carter, who was only the second best receiver in NFL history. And yet again, the Hall sees fit to deny him induction. Hey Hall Of Fame Committee, I hope you all fucking die of kidney failure. I hope your renal systems slowly fail, turning your urine black and requiring you to endure painful daily sessions of dialysis. And I hope a matching donor is found just a hair too late, so you die slowly on a hospital gurney just as the paramedics are jumping out of the helicopter with an Igloo cooler carrying your precious, vital organs. That way, you think salvation is close at hand, only to have it cruelly wrested from your big fat grasp. YOU FUCKING IGNORANT STUPID FUCKS.

CRIS CARTER HAD THE BEST HANDS IN NFL HISTORY AND CAUGHT SIDELINE PASSES LIKE NO OTHER. We’re not talking about Art Monk here. We’re talking about someone who was fucking GOOD. If you fucks can’t see fit to induct him, THEN YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT FOOTBALL AND DESERVE TO BE HUNG ON A MEATHOOK DIPPED IN WOLF AIDS. That means you King, and Wilbon, and all you other fucks. I bet you all spend 20 hours a day drinking out of your own toilets. “Oh, my shit! It’s so good! I’m so amazing! MY POOP IS A HAVEN OF CORN AND FOOTBALL ACUMEN.”

Put that on one of your fucking charts. DIE.

For all the readers who hate my onslaught of homerism on KSK and want to see me get my comeuppance, today may be your lucky day. Because there is no ending to the Steelers season that could be more embarrassing and soul-crushing than losing a fourth straight AFC Title Game at home to the shithead Ravens. 0-16 wouldn’t be as bad. Losing the Super Bowl, while immensely disappointing and painful, wouldn’t be as bad. Ravens fans can explain a loss away by saying where they got was a lot further than a rookie quarterback and a rookie head coach should have taken them. Steelers fans have no such fallback. Well, they can always complain that that Palamuuluu guy wasn’t totally healthy.

But with great risk comes great reward. The Steelers can go 3-0 this season over a hated rival and 2-0 against them in the playoffs. For all the talk of how promising Flacco looks, Ray-Ray, Terrell Suggs and Bart Scott are all free agents this year. Their best receiver, Derrick Mason, turned 35 yesterday (Why weren’t Ravens fans celebrating his birthday? Quick guess: He’s not white). This could be the Ravens’ best chance for a while.

I’d love to be here to live blog it for you (that’s a lie) but I have to brave the crowds in D.C. to hit the bar on the Hill. So enjoy the bloodbath in open thread form. And, hey, the only home win in an AFC Championship Game in the Cowher era did come against a Harbaugh brother.

Why is Phil Simms the only guy in that booth still doing the headline games?

The Steelers were the only home team not to epically choke or shit the bed this weekend, so by default this makes them the team to beat in the NFL for at least the next week. And with team-to-beat status comes team-to-hate status. So inveterate Steelers haters are out in force and regular casual haters are drawn to them like a moth to flame. So be it. I won’t try to tell you otherwise. In fact, I’ll even throw you a bone with a bunch of pictures that are ripe for ridiculing. Like the above photo of Michael Rapaport me with Steely McGayHorribleMascot. He even gave me a half-eaten Primanti’s sandwich after burning my scrotum with his manly stubble.

Share for a moment, commoner, how a man of considerable means and influence watches NFL football live. The very idea of my life’s extravagances must seem almost comical to you. Why, just the other day, I threw out half a bottle of Yellow Tail Reserve. Only a privileged few can dream of such profligacy. But, yes, even from a remote, frigid vantage point, I can’t say I didn’t enjoy the game. I will always treasure my memory of watching Philip Rivers get DDTed from a quarter mile away. I was 80 percent sure he wasn’t Jacob Hester!

THE LEGENDARY STILLERS NATION WITH ODDLY FOND MEMORIES OF MERRIL HOGE! Jesus, you’re docked points already for not immediately trying to disassociate that fucktaster from the team. But then you get a customized version of the Steelers current uniforms to ascribe his name? THE ANACHRONISM MAKES IT WORSE!

Speaking of customized atrocities, “MILLERLITE” with number 69 is probably the worst I’ve ever seen, and someone else at the stadium had one that said “IRONCITY” on the back. Apparently the Steelers signed every shitty beer to roster spots and I was not made aware.

I see what you did there.

See, you think I’m trying to poke fun at the Chargers fans here, but I actually kind of dig the lucha libre get-up. In fact, I would only level a gun at them out of a sense of duty, but make sure to nail the Steelers fan IN THE FUCKING TOMMY MADDOX JERSEY BEHIND THEM! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE! USE THE HURRICANRANA, GUYS!

My favorite team lost their playoff game today. As always, they did it in a manner that was both uninspiring and depressingly predictable. There’s a chance your team lost this weekend as well, be they the Dolphins, Colts, or Falcons (Just kidding there, the Falcons have no fans). Maybe you’re sad. Maybe you feel like there’s not much in the future to indicate your team will get over that proverbial playoff hump next time around. I know I feel that way. After all, my team still employs Brad Childress, and will almost certainly relocate in 2011 without ever having won a championship in its original location. WOO HOO!

But I’m not all that sad. For one, you could see the loss coming a mile away, even if Andy Reid were blocking your view (he wears shiny black shoes to distract you from the fatness!). For another, there are still boobs in this world. And as long as there are boobs, and liquor, and more playoff football to watch, well the world ain’t all that bad. Even when Tarvaris Jackson or Chad Pennington are your team’s “quarterbacks,” so to speak.

So chin up, all you playoff losers. You can take solace in knowing that your teams played hard, and that you live in a day and age where a relatively simple Google Image search can reward any masturbatory need you may have. And that’s a real comfort, I tell you.

Just to counter those who say I only post when the Steelers win, here’s LenDale White getting all stompy with a Terrible Towel. Yup, it pissed me off far more than the Steelers actually losing.

Still: Stomping a Terrible Towel? In Tennessee? When you’ve never played the Steelers before in your career and will likely see them again in January? LenWhale is S-M-R-T.

With apologies to Kige Ramsey.

The first of the homefield advantage deciding games of the day highlights the early frame, even though NOBODY WANTS HOMEFIELD! THEY MIGHT AS WELL THROW THE GAME! Believe it or not, this is only the third time this year the Steelers have played in the 1 p.m. slot. It almost makes me forget how annoying it is to try to get out to the bar for the early game when you’re already hungover. I hope LenWhale’s not being too premature with his Super Bowl ring plans. The pinky ring request shouldn’t be a big issue with fitters already dealing with his sausage fingers.

Elsewhere, the Buzzsaw travels to Massholia to face a bunch of Pats fans who are on the edge of their seat about seeing whether Mark Teixeira will sign with the Red Sox the team can make the playoffs. Awful nice of New England to try to neutralize their own weather advantage by playing the Yule Log in the stadium.

Also, Marmalard strives to keep his season going long enough to see Cutlerfucker end it during the late game.

I have a feeling that since my fantasy playoff fortunes are hinged on the Saints putting up huge numbers on the Lions (starting Brees and the French running back) the Lions will probably be feisty and keep it close, only to blow it in the waning minutes in what will probably be a 24-20 final.