THE HORROR. It’s true, Matt Millen and Vinny “Sarge” Cerrato are basically the same person. So I guess all it will take is an 0-16 season to get him fired. It might actually be worth it. [Hogs Haven]

Last week in the sexbag (by the way, send on your sexy preguntas here for inclusion in tomorrow’s column) Ufford chastised a Pittsburgh fan for asking whether it was okay to hate on Bill Cowher for sounding the conference championship losing alarm in Carolina when the Penguins were their opponent.

Well Ufford may love freedom and cat-related viral videos, but he hates on the ‘Burgh with regularity and he is wrong wrong wrong on this one. See, what instances like this do is allow the fan (i.e., me) some extreme catharsis. And since I don’t get laid because I’m a filthy blogger, that’s the best I can get.

Here’s the thing: Because Chinny up there was coach of the Stillers for 14 years, that’s a long stretch of being forced to apologize for his inveterate conference title choking and his Jon Scheyer-esque propensity for making stupid faces in photographs. And now, because he went and did this (Yes, there’s betrayal involved – it’d be one thing if he coached the Panthers, but the fact that he bought a home in Cackalacky and went to NC State back in the day doesn’t trump his connection to Pittsburgh sports, and, besides, having him do it is an obviously ploy by the Hurricanes to stick it to Pittsburgh fans), I am freed to mock him without compunction for looking like he’s about to about to hulk out out of his stupid red shirt and have his big chiclet teeth ravage downtown Raleigh.

So when KOGOD says in the photo he looks like he’s taking George Clooney’s Burn After Reading sybian chair for a spin, I can laugh without qualm. And laugh I shall YOU BIG RETARDED CHOKING KORDELL DEEP THROATING CHINNY ASSBAG!

Whew. That felt good.

Your laughter falls on deaf ears. Don’t get me wrong, I really do like Reed Doughty. He is a solid contributor and is downright serviceable in his role as a backup safety. But if he manages to take the starting job away from Chris Horton I’ll eat that sign (or a pretzel of comparable size). [Redskins.com]

Image via

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EA SPORTS TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE. Via the Arizona Republic, your rumored Yearly Roster UpdateMadden ‘10 cover boys are the long-tressed duo of Fitty and Troy Polamalu. Chris Littman of First Cuts is still guessing Roethlisberger, which would require it to be a first-person shooter with Choco Taco power-ups (I’d play it!), so either way I’m boned. [Shutdown Corner]

My homerism for Nnamdi Asomugha is well-documented. But now that he has allowed the Raiders to sign him to the richest contract in football, it has bloomed to an all-out mancrush. Why shouldn’t Asomugha make boatloads of scrilla? No one is the game does their job as well as Asomugha does his. A man of his stature commands a salary substantially more than that of Chump Bailey.

The Raiders also re-signed the NFL’s top punter Shane Lechler to boot (heh heh, boot, get it?). Some thought that the Raider would not be able to keep both the NFL’s best corner and best punter, but they proved otherwise. Maybe Al Davis finally realized that he if is going to overpay somebody it should be good players like Asomugha and Lechler instead of wretched bums like DeAngelo Hall and Javon Walker.

With these huge signings, is Oakland really the purgatory that it has been made out to be the past few years? Probably, but it goes to show what some people will tolerate for Scrooge McDuck money.

Official Best Steelers Season Ever Checklist

[x] Avenge playoff loss to Jaguars in Jacksonville
[x] Destroy the Redskins in Raljon, MD with 30,000 Steelers fans in attendance
[x] Beat the shithead Ravens
[x] Beat the shithead Ravens twice
[x] Beat the shithead Ravens thrice MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[x] Curb-stomp the Greatriots in Foxboro
[x] Defeat the Cowboys on a Romo pick-six
[x] Extend winning streak over Browns to 11
[x] End the annoying Chargers fluke of being 0-13 in Pittsburgh in the regular season but 2-0 in the playoffs
[x] Finally win a goddamn AFC Championship Game at home
[x] Win a record sixth Super Bowl title, this time in a thrilling game over a hyped-up underdog, with Roethlisberger forever silencing critics with game-winning drive
[x] Do it all without an offensive line and with an insanely difficult schedule
[x] Masturbate furiously

Special thanks to haters everywhere. You make this at least 8 to 12 percent more enjoyable.

AND MY PARROT FRIEND CAME BACK!

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Here’s your 2009 Hall of Fame class:
Bob Hayes
Bruce Smith
Randall McDaniel (yay)
Derrick Thomas
Rod Woodson
Ralph Wilson

I have no qualms with any of the above men making the Hall, and am indeed delighted Randall McDaniel got in (Take that, Strokey Zimmerman!). But you see the gentleman in the photo above? That’s Cris Carter, who was only the second best receiver in NFL history. And yet again, the Hall sees fit to deny him induction. Hey Hall Of Fame Committee, I hope you all fucking die of kidney failure. I hope your renal systems slowly fail, turning your urine black and requiring you to endure painful daily sessions of dialysis. And I hope a matching donor is found just a hair too late, so you die slowly on a hospital gurney just as the paramedics are jumping out of the helicopter with an Igloo cooler carrying your precious, vital organs. That way, you think salvation is close at hand, only to have it cruelly wrested from your big fat grasp. YOU FUCKING IGNORANT STUPID FUCKS.

CRIS CARTER HAD THE BEST HANDS IN NFL HISTORY AND CAUGHT SIDELINE PASSES LIKE NO OTHER. We’re not talking about Art Monk here. We’re talking about someone who was fucking GOOD. If you fucks can’t see fit to induct him, THEN YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT FOOTBALL AND DESERVE TO BE HUNG ON A MEATHOOK DIPPED IN WOLF AIDS. That means you King, and Wilbon, and all you other fucks. I bet you all spend 20 hours a day drinking out of your own toilets. “Oh, my shit! It’s so good! I’m so amazing! MY POOP IS A HAVEN OF CORN AND FOOTBALL ACUMEN.”

Put that on one of your fucking charts. DIE.

For all the readers who hate my onslaught of homerism on KSK and want to see me get my comeuppance, today may be your lucky day. Because there is no ending to the Steelers season that could be more embarrassing and soul-crushing than losing a fourth straight AFC Title Game at home to the shithead Ravens. 0-16 wouldn’t be as bad. Losing the Super Bowl, while immensely disappointing and painful, wouldn’t be as bad. Ravens fans can explain a loss away by saying where they got was a lot further than a rookie quarterback and a rookie head coach should have taken them. Steelers fans have no such fallback. Well, they can always complain that that Palamuuluu guy wasn’t totally healthy.

But with great risk comes great reward. The Steelers can go 3-0 this season over a hated rival and 2-0 against them in the playoffs. For all the talk of how promising Flacco looks, Ray-Ray, Terrell Suggs and Bart Scott are all free agents this year. Their best receiver, Derrick Mason, turned 35 yesterday (Why weren’t Ravens fans celebrating his birthday? Quick guess: He’s not white). This could be the Ravens’ best chance for a while.

I’d love to be here to live blog it for you (that’s a lie) but I have to brave the crowds in D.C. to hit the bar on the Hill. So enjoy the bloodbath in open thread form. And, hey, the only home win in an AFC Championship Game in the Cowher era did come against a Harbaugh brother.

Why is Phil Simms the only guy in that booth still doing the headline games?