Earlier today the Redskins swung a trade with Baltimore to acquire reserve quarterback John Beck. Normally this isn’t the kind of thing people would care about, but that all changed when everyone realized it was the death knell of the Colt Brennan era in Washington.

Hmmm…that doesn’t sound very official. Maybe he said “aloha.” That could be taken in a number of different ways, right?

Very well then. I guess now it’s all over but the crying.

Oh, and there will be crying.

The Dead Tree Crew will be sitting shiva for the rest of the week.

Everyone who reads this blog knows I’m a huge Steelers homer, so let’s just get that out of the way so as to eliminate the need for 35 commenters to make note of it. As with any scandal involving a famous athlete, there’ve been oil tanker-size loads of stupidity being doled out on the reg in regards to each development of the latest Ben Roethlisberger sexual assault case. I’ve managed to ignore most of it while minimizing my Twitter fights with Mike Florio to a respectable two. However, after Georgia investigators determined they had insufficient evidence to even bring charges against Roethlisberger, the Steelers misguided decision to trade Santonio Holmes for a 5th round pick and yesterday’s subsequent meeting between commissioner Roger Goodell and Big Ben, the retardery ramped up to a height that made my brain bleed. Then I clicked on this fetid pile of word shit and had to jam my typing finger in my cat’s litter box to ease the stench. The only recourse was unleashing the FJM treatment, but the result skewed more toward the shrill than funny. I told the rest of the Gay Mafia that I wasn’t going to post it, but then Drew and flub demanded that I do anyway, because they enjoy seeing me make an ass of myself. So here it is. Be forewarned that massively annoying homerism abounds.

It’s time for the Steelers to cut Ben Roethlisberger. Just let him go. Stand strong and state that he no longer deserves to wear Pittsburgh’s uniform.

An outright release for one of the two best quarterbacks in the franchise’s history? Sure, let’s hear this guy out. I haven’t had a reason to drink ammonia yet this morning.

Base the stance not on legalities, but on standards and values. Base the decision on Roethlisberger’s actions — and his attitude toward his actions.

Of course it’s not based on legalities, because if you go by that standard, Roethlisberger has done nothing wrong. Nothing. You’re just as much in violation of the law writing this mindless thumbsucker piece than he’s been bar-hopping. This is the point in the column where you already know the writer has no actual point to make, but my morbid curiosity obligated to press on.

A suspension is warranted, but it’s not enough. Roethlisberger has earned his release.

I like the presupposition that a suspension is deserved. Unless it’s become a violation of league policy to be a fatass, or to hold press conferences while having a redneck version of Snake’s evil hair, Roethlisberger has, again, done absolutely nothing wrong. And if you want to throw out the often invoked argument that a black player would be mistreated similarly by the league, then go ahead and name me a black player who has been suspended by the NFL for violating the personal conduct policy when he has never been arrested or charged with a crime. Pacman Jones? Arrested, charged and in one case plea bargained for a lesser charge. Chris Henry? Arrested four times in a 14-month span. Brandon Marshall? Arrested and charged numerous times.

Big Ben has no charges and no arrests. There are rampant acts of tasteless idiocy to consider, but then if that were a violation enforced by the NFL, we’d probably only have enough players available to fill three teams.

That said, the Steelers recent grandstanding with Santonio Holmes, which forced them to trade their no. 1 receiver away for a song as a message to potential wrongdoers, might compel them to make a similarly pointless statement with their starting quarterback in the form of a suspension of a couple games, lest they be called hypocrites. All so they can keep telling the media they’re more morally upright than anyone else, even when it’s clear that they are not. That still doesn’t mean Big Ben necessarily deserves to be suspended though.

It’s admittedly tough to say what was expected of Roethlisberger in his first public statements concerning that much-publicized March night in Milledgeville, Ga.

But the last thing expected was to hear him speak with defiance and without a hint of remorse.

Remorse for what? He. Didn’t. Do. Anything. Do people really expect an apology for their presumption of guilt?

“HI AMERICA! THE BEN SORRY HE WAS ACCUSED OF THING HE NOT REALLY DID! NEXT TIME HE TRY HARD TO DO THINGS PEOPLE SAY HE DO BUT REALLY DID NOT. BEN SORRY NO DO SIT-UPS YESTERDAY NEITHER.”

Compare his defiance to these written words from the victim

You mean to tell me the other party in a criminal complaint paints a different picture of events than the accused? Especially when they still likely plan on filing a civil suit? No way! The judicial system is KRAZEE.

That a crime could not be proven beyond a reasonable doubt does not erase these written words from a 20-year-old, written, Bright said, 12 or 13 hours after the incident when she was “sober … and coherent.”

Why, she’s downright eloquent when she’s not fucking plastered. Such situational poise! And you should see Donte Stallworth not hit people with his car when he’s driving sober.

To be fair, nobody knows what happened in that bathroom in that bar that night. Nobody was there but Roethlisberger and his accuser.

Fairness, making its first appearance in paragraph 11. You never can count on that guy to make it to the party on time.

What is known is that Roethlisberger is a strong 28-year-old who routinely shrugs off tacklers. His accuser is a 20-year-old coed with her life ahead of her.

Irrelevant fact + Irrelevant fact = Irrelekkake!

People say a sexual assault victim is assaulted twice — once when it happens, the second time in court.

People also say those accused of sexual assault are hit with presumed guilt, both at the outset of the case, and even afterward, when they aren’t actually found to be guilty. It cuts both ways, this sad process.

In a letter to the prosecutor, this girl’s attorney asked that the prosecution not go forward because she did not want to go through the torment of the trial. Whether her assault claim is right or wrong, her stance on the trial is reasonable.

So the accuser’s statement is taken at face value, but everything Roethlisberger claims is duplicitous, misleading and self-interested? What happened to the fairness? Is it just gonna hang out in paragraph 11? C’mon fairness, you gotta learn how to mingle.

The woman claimed assault. Roethlisberger denied it. Bright could not say, but he said enough when he said he did not try morals but crimes and that Roethlisberger should “grow up.”

It also wasn’t Fred Bright’s job nor place to make that determination. He was assigned to investigate a criminal matter, not compile a personality profile on Ben Roethlisberger. That long-winded fuck was also taking about what influence his father had on his life and commitment to justice, so suffice it to say that shithead was looking for a bit of attention.

Roethlisberger used 17 first-person references in his statement. Never once did he mention the girl, not even to say he regretted what she had been through.

“NOT TRUE! THE BEN ALWAYS SPEAK IN THIRD PERSON!”

So having the accuser mentioned in court proceedings is somehow one of the evils of sexual assault, yet he’s supposed to discuss her in front of the national media? Also, to apologize suggests a degree of guilt, and what with a likely civil suit, perhaps that’s not the smartest message to convey. NEVERMIND, THE BEN IS SORRY HE NOT REALLY RAPE YOU. HE RAPE YOU FOR REALS NEXT TIME!

If any contrition or remorse exists, Roethlisberger did not show it.

Yes, Ben could have come out and put on an act of false contrition and moved on, but people see through a put-on — just like they can how Roethlisberger acted so put on at this 74-second statement. Put on, as in he was the victim.

If he was falsely accused of something he did not do, then yes, I would say he is in fact the victim in that scenario.

/gets drawn, quartered and castrated by Jezebel readers

Imagine Dan Rooney, the respected leader of the Rooney family and now the U.S. Ambassador to Ireland, watching.

Oh boy, another idiotic rhetorical ploy. Heavens, he let down Rooney Claus. There will be no Rooneymas this year, boys and girls. Who gives a shit how embarrassed Dan Rooney is? Why does the media buy and promote the holier-than-thou shit the family constantly spouts? He’s a fine, upstanding owner, but it’s far from the first time one of his players has been in the news for negative reasons. Especially ones that turned out to be unfounded. Jerome Bettis was falsely accused of sexual assault once. Did he shame the fucking franchise?

The case can be made that Roethlisberger was not even accused, much less convicted. But playing for the Steelers is not determined by a court, or a prosecutor. It’s determined by a long-respected family that cherishes values and holds actions to a standard of accountability and responsibility.

He’s judge, jury and Rooneycutioner!

If the Steelers embrace higher standards than their peers, they should act on what happened and release Roethlisberger.

Another team might pick him up, and he might play well for that team. So be it.

Oh sure, you’ll lose. And lose horribly. But you can lose smugly and self-righteously. THAT’S THE STEELER WAY!

Get fucked Fanhouse. First you bury all the bloggers who helped your site establish itself, only so you can now promote this worthless overwrought tripe. That’s the fucking tragedy.

Dan Snyder landed himself a marquee coach to go with his new GM, and the trio was out celebrating last night. It wasn’t long before the local media showed up to greet the new coach (just like last time) with cameras rolling. That means it’s time for another edition of the “Inside a Tailgate Classy Steak Dinner” series.

0:01 – Ooh, The Palm. It’s the place to see and be seen. I hope Mr. Snyder remembered his 837 card.

0:03 – Shanny isn’t going to be letting go of Lindsay Czarniak‘s hand any time soon.

0:14 – “Nice to meet you. Channel 4, right? Okay, we’ll talk.” [smiles lecherously]

0:17 – Whoa, get a load of this big ginger. Okay, enough of that, back to the blond.

0:25 – Condescending pat on the arm.

0:26 – “Oh man, you’re good. You are good.” What do you say the two of us get out of here? Maybe go find a nice private spot.

0:27 – Outta the way, Feldman.

0:40 – Inaudible dialogue from Shanny. I’ll just assume he said “I gotta take you home with me.”

0:50 – Oooh, look at them eating! Alright, this is a bit creepy.

1:03 – Of course they’re at the McLean location. Snyder probably wishes he could change the team’s name to the Metro Area Redskins. We’re never getting a DC stadium.

1:04 – Here Lindsay, let me get that door for you.

1:07 – He didn’t even try to glance at Lindsay’s ass. What self control.

1:08 – Oh great, this Feldman guy expects me to hold the door for him too.

1:12 – Christ, I’m gonna be here all night.

1:26 – Where the hell does Danny find all of his team-colored clothing? He must have his own sweatshop that churns out ten burgundy and gold ties an hour.

1:27 – Dan Snyder leads the league in both dickishness. He’s second to Todd Haley in dismissive hand gestures.

1:35 – Jesus Christ, Bruce, get in the fucking car!

1:42 – At this point Snyder realizes that the man he hired to oversee the salary cap is incapable of moving a seat.

1:54 – “It’s this new technology.” Damn American cars and their cutting edge technological advancements. Just pull the fucking lever for him, Kiersten!

1:58 – Lindsay should really tell Snyder to shove that thumb up his ass.

2:14 – Turn on that dome light so they can see how happy we are!

2:15 – And there you have it. The guys with the real power sit in the captain’s chairs while the GM is relegated to the back row. Although that’s not how it played out this afternoon.

If you look closely you can see Vinny Cerrato holding on to the undercarriage. Here’s to hoping they take the shortcut through the cactus patch on their way back to Ashburn.

Video via NBC Washington

WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It feels as if a weight has been lifted off the DC metro area’s collective shoulders. Vinny Cerrato, sworn enemy of all those who don’t hate the Redskins, is finally gone after resigning this morning. As sick as it sounds, this is probably the most satisfying moment Redskins fans have experienced in several years (decades?).

Before we go any further let me just say, ENJOY UNEMPLOYMENT YOU WEASELLY LITTLE FUCKWIT!

Jesus, that feels really good. REALLY FUCKING GOOD. It’s like all of my synapses are firing in unison. Endorphins are doing endorphiny things. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

/drips

Whew. Okay, enough celebrating. It’s time for some wild speculatin’! Who is going to be the Redskins new GM (or VP of whatever the fuck they want to call it)?

Bruce Allen – Jay Glazer is already reporting that the former Bucs GM and son of legendary Redskins coach George Allen is already in negotiations with Dan Snyder to be the team’s next GM. Because hey, it’s not like Snyder gives a shit about the Rooney Rule. They could side-step the whole “interview a minority candidate” thing by giving Allen a title like VP of Player Personnel. If Allen is the choice then it would only be natural for THIS GUY to become the team’s new head coach. BUT HE HAS A CONTRACT WITH ESPN! A meaningless, easily broken contract. Think of all the goodwill a Gruden hire would generate. Not for Redskins fans, because we’re happy enough as is, but for football fans at large who would surely celebrate anything that gets Gruden out of the MNF booth.

Mike Shanahan – Fuck that. If they were going to hire Shanahan they would have fired Zorn and kept Vinny.

Charley Casserly – This would be kind of awesome, but for it to happen Snyder would have to admit he was wrong to fire Casserly in the first place, and there’s no fucking way that happens.

Mike Holmgren – The timing of Vinny’s departure certainly makes you think Snyder has Holmgren on the mind. The former Seahawks boss wants to settle on a new destination by the end of the year, and he’s been getting pretty cozy with Cleveland. But again, fuck that. Do not want. The Redskins need to hire a new GM, which is why Allen is going to be the choice.

UPDATE: It’s going to be Allen.

Because those of us who root for teams that don’t sign Favre in a desperate and misguided attempt at getting a title never have our feelings conflicted. We can still delight in all his failings, especially when they finally surface against our (my) favorite team

MWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

/gets Mastodon and Queens of the Stone Age to disband only to ruin Drew’s day further

//includes consolation photo of Vikings jersey customized with the Peterson nickname Drew coined

Airbrushed motorcycles with Scarface and Steelers themes. Only available on display outside Jerome Bettis’ bar and in every exurban shopping mall food court in the country.

And of all the lazy name plate replacements I’ve seen on mid-’90s pre-Steelers-uniform-design Kordell Stewart jerseys, this one is at least among the top 10 most generic.

Update: ESPN 980 reports that a Gibbs return is unlikely.

Yesterday Drew wrote a particularly satisfying rant on the topic of Dan Snyder’s inability to run a football team. While I didn’t agree with all of Drew’s points, most of his criticisms hit home for me and many other distressed Washingtonians. Of course not every Redskins fan agreed with Drew’s contentions.

Chris Chase is a writer for Yahoo! Sports who also maintains his own blog, The Player Hater’s Ball. It was there that Chase wrote his response to Drew’s rant. The post includes several questionable defenses of his personnel and front office decisions. So questionable that I felt some FJM style was warranted.

Note: In his defense, Chase (who is a perfectly nice person) tells me he wrote this post in the middle of the night after a few drinks, although he does stand by his assertion that Snyder is not as bad as owners like Bill Bidwell.

Briefly, the post says that the Redskins are the most hopeless franchise in the world because Dan Snyder is incompetant and shows a complete lack of self-awarness. I’ll agree with the first part and vigorously contend with the second. I think Snyder knows exactly what people think of him…

Knowing that people hate you and being self-aware are not the same thing.

…which is why he doesn’t do many interviews, hates the Washington Post and travels with multiple bodyguards to games.

None of which indicates that he’s the least bit self-aware. If he was self-aware he’d be more interested in why the team’s fans hate him so much, and possibly even make an attempt to rectify his behavior.

The analogy of Snyder to an out-of-touch fantasy owner was solid, and parts of the piece were spot-on and amusing, but there’s one huge thing missing from the rant: Most of Snyder’s delusion is fed by the very fans and media who are supposedly telling him he sucks.

There’s no “supposedly” about it, fans and the media waste few opportunities to express just how much he sucks. It’s pretty much our favorite thing to talk about at this point.

Every March most people affirm Snyder’s moves by getting excited about the team because of the free agent signings or draft pick the Skins get.

Of course we get excited about the roster, we’re fucking Redskins fans! That means we’re constantly deluding ourselves into believing that the team is one move away from overcoming our owner’s incompetence.

Haynesworth: People loved.

Pretty much every conversation about the Haynesworth signing went exactly like this…

“It sure is great that the team signed one of the best players in the league, but man, that’s a SHITLOAD of money to give a guy who misses a handful of games every damn year. He’s bound to get complacent, right?”

Pure, unadulterated love.

Drafting Laron Landry: people loved.

True.

Dabbling with Mark Sanchez: You’re telling me the fools who have been booing all season wouldn’t rather have Manchez at the helm?

They would, but that’s not to say Snyder and Cerrato weren’t criticized heavily by fans and the media (Snyder’s own radio station included) for openly gushing over Sanchez, because they were.

Picking “can’t miss” receivers in the second round: some people loved.

Really? Name one. Who was the one asshole who thought it would be a great idea to draft THREE receivers (two wide receivers and a pass-catching tight end) in the second round of the ’08 draft. Because from what I remember people were screaming “DRAFT LINEMEN” from the fucking rooftops.

Hell, most liked the Adam Archuleta signing.

I think “liked” is too strong a word. How about, “most people didn’t want to kill themselves immediately after hearing that the Redskins let Gregg Williams bring in a safety who couldn’t cover anybody because they thought he’d at least be serviceable against the run.” Yeah, that’s probably more accurate.

EVERYONE loved Snyder getting Deion and Bruce Smith and Marc Carrier and Jeff George.

The ‘Skins were called “offseason champs”.

Sarcastically.

Is that a badge of honor?

No, it’s sarcasm.

No, but it’s a sign the team is a lot less hopeless than this piece suggests. It’s a sign that, at some points, people think the Redskins are doing OK.

No, it’s a sign that people were gently mocking the NFL’s brash young owner who foolishly thought he could use free agency as a shortcut to building a Super Bowl contender. You know, the kind of thing he continued to do for the next decade.

And why has Snyder learned nothing from his experiences?

Because he lacks self awareness?

He no longer brings in massive free agent hauls.

He gave Albert Haynesworth the most guaranteed money in NFL history.

He likes stability in his front office.

He likes keeping under-qualified yes men on hand to carry out bidding.

He didn’t go for the splashy hire.

Because they rejected his advances. Instead he went with the guy he’d just hired to serve as offensive coordinator. Weird how highly sought after coaches wouldn’t want to work for an ego-maniacal owner who already hired offensive and defensive coordinators.

But at least they showed signs of growth.

Towards what?

This isn’t a defense of Snyder…

Except when it is.

…(and forget about Cerrato, I’m beginning to think he has no actual power and is just a puppet)…

Beginning to think? BEGINNING?!

/rubs temples

Update: Chase responds to my selective quoting.

With no further adieu, on to the picks!

Minnesota -10 at St. Louis

The Rams aren’t bad, they’re fucking abysmal. Minnesota is due to deliver an efficient ass kicking.

Kansas City +9 vs. Dallas

The Cowboys are not a good football team. The only reason they’ve covered once in their last three is because Jake Delhomme is retarded.

Atlanta +3 at San Francisco

Those are three crucial points in such a close match-up.

Indianapolis -4 at Tennessee

Wait, what? Tennessee is crap. They aren’t going to suddenly bounce back to form because they’re playing at home on national television against a division rival. They’re going to get fucked in the ass by a man with a fetus for a head.

Enjoy the games, and if you see Dan Snyder be sure to tell him that he sucks.

Image via Flickr

YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. YOU SPOTLIGHT-HOGGING, WRINKLED OLD HOGCOCK. I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON FISH HOOKS, YOU FUCKING PRICK. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, I’LL ALWAYS HATE YOUR FACE.

(Seriously, though. Nice throw.)

YOU GO TO HELL. YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU GET FLAYED TO ENDLESS ANGUISH BY SATAN’S THREE-TINED COCK.

(However, I have to say, it’s really nice to have a QB who can run the two-minute drill effectively. It’s been fucking ages since the Vikings have run a decent two-minute drill. That’s a huge plus.)

I’M GONNA SNEAK RAT POISON INTO YOUR WATER BOTTLE. THEN I’M GONNA HIDE IN THE LOCKER ROOM TOWEL BIN AND PEEK OUT OF IT AND WATCH WHILE YOUR MOUTH FOAMS UP AND YOU FALL TO THE FLOOR IN CONVULSIONS, WITH MEDICAL STAFF UNABLE TO HELP BECAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU. THIS IS HOW YOUR LIFE WILL END. YOU ARE STILL THE ENEMY, AND I KNOW YOU ARE ONLY HANGING AROUND TO FUCK US OVER. YOU CAN’T FOOL ME, COCKWEED!

(But for real, that was a great move to elude Justin Smith. I thought you were dead meat. Rosencopter would have fumbled the ball, picked it up, and the re-fumbled it.)

AND NOW THE PACKERS ARE COMING?! OH, CHRIST. GET READY FOR FUCKING FAVREY FAVRE FAVRE WEEK. LIKE TIM GODDAMN RYAN DIDN’T SUCK YOUR DICK ENOUGH DURING THE TELECAST, YOU REDNECK PRICK.

(But man, it’s nice to know the Vikes can pull a game out when Purple Jesus is held in check. That’s what was missing from this team. With the way this defense is playing, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say this really is one of the three best teams in the NFC. I think. Maybe.)

OR MAYBE YOU’LL JUST COLLAPSE AND EAT SHIT! AND WHERE’S THE LOVE FOR GREG LEWIS? ALL HE DID WAS DEFY THE LAWS OF FUCKING PHYSICS TO MAKE THAT CATCH. BUT NOOOOO, ALL I HEAR IS FAVRE THREW THIS AND FAVRE THREW THAT AND LOOK AT THE JOY HE BRINGS TO THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD?! GUHHHH. FUCK YOU. I SO HATE ROOTING FOR YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT WEASEL. I HOPE YOU GET HIT BY A CEMENT MIXER FULL OF LEPROSY.

(Good job. I’m relatively pleased with your performance yesterday.)

DICK.