Because those of us who root for teams that don’t sign Favre in a desperate and misguided attempt at getting a title never have our feelings conflicted. We can still delight in all his failings, especially when they finally surface against our (my) favorite team

MWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

/gets Mastodon and Queens of the Stone Age to disband only to ruin Drew’s day further

//includes consolation photo of Vikings jersey customized with the Peterson nickname Drew coined

Airbrushed motorcycles with Scarface and Steelers themes. Only available on display outside Jerome Bettis’ bar and in every exurban shopping mall food court in the country.

And of all the lazy name plate replacements I’ve seen on mid-’90s pre-Steelers-uniform-design Kordell Stewart jerseys, this one is at least among the top 10 most generic.

Update: ESPN 980 reports that a Gibbs return is unlikely.

Yesterday Drew wrote a particularly satisfying rant on the topic of Dan Snyder’s inability to run a football team. While I didn’t agree with all of Drew’s points, most of his criticisms hit home for me and many other distressed Washingtonians. Of course not every Redskins fan agreed with Drew’s contentions.

Chris Chase is a writer for Yahoo! Sports who also maintains his own blog, The Player Hater’s Ball. It was there that Chase wrote his response to Drew’s rant. The post includes several questionable defenses of his personnel and front office decisions. So questionable that I felt some FJM style was warranted.

Note: In his defense, Chase (who is a perfectly nice person) tells me he wrote this post in the middle of the night after a few drinks, although he does stand by his assertion that Snyder is not as bad as owners like Bill Bidwell.

Briefly, the post says that the Redskins are the most hopeless franchise in the world because Dan Snyder is incompetant and shows a complete lack of self-awarness. I’ll agree with the first part and vigorously contend with the second. I think Snyder knows exactly what people think of him…

Knowing that people hate you and being self-aware are not the same thing.

…which is why he doesn’t do many interviews, hates the Washington Post and travels with multiple bodyguards to games.

None of which indicates that he’s the least bit self-aware. If he was self-aware he’d be more interested in why the team’s fans hate him so much, and possibly even make an attempt to rectify his behavior.

The analogy of Snyder to an out-of-touch fantasy owner was solid, and parts of the piece were spot-on and amusing, but there’s one huge thing missing from the rant: Most of Snyder’s delusion is fed by the very fans and media who are supposedly telling him he sucks.

There’s no “supposedly” about it, fans and the media waste few opportunities to express just how much he sucks. It’s pretty much our favorite thing to talk about at this point.

Every March most people affirm Snyder’s moves by getting excited about the team because of the free agent signings or draft pick the Skins get.

Of course we get excited about the roster, we’re fucking Redskins fans! That means we’re constantly deluding ourselves into believing that the team is one move away from overcoming our owner’s incompetence.

Haynesworth: People loved.

Pretty much every conversation about the Haynesworth signing went exactly like this…

“It sure is great that the team signed one of the best players in the league, but man, that’s a SHITLOAD of money to give a guy who misses a handful of games every damn year. He’s bound to get complacent, right?”

Pure, unadulterated love.

Drafting Laron Landry: people loved.

True.

Dabbling with Mark Sanchez: You’re telling me the fools who have been booing all season wouldn’t rather have Manchez at the helm?

They would, but that’s not to say Snyder and Cerrato weren’t criticized heavily by fans and the media (Snyder’s own radio station included) for openly gushing over Sanchez, because they were.

Picking “can’t miss” receivers in the second round: some people loved.

Really? Name one. Who was the one asshole who thought it would be a great idea to draft THREE receivers (two wide receivers and a pass-catching tight end) in the second round of the ‘08 draft. Because from what I remember people were screaming “DRAFT LINEMEN” from the fucking rooftops.

Hell, most liked the Adam Archuleta signing.

I think “liked” is too strong a word. How about, “most people didn’t want to kill themselves immediately after hearing that the Redskins let Gregg Williams bring in a safety who couldn’t cover anybody because they thought he’d at least be serviceable against the run.” Yeah, that’s probably more accurate.

EVERYONE loved Snyder getting Deion and Bruce Smith and Marc Carrier and Jeff George.

The ‘Skins were called “offseason champs”.

Sarcastically.

Is that a badge of honor?

No, it’s sarcasm.

No, but it’s a sign the team is a lot less hopeless than this piece suggests. It’s a sign that, at some points, people think the Redskins are doing OK.

No, it’s a sign that people were gently mocking the NFL’s brash young owner who foolishly thought he could use free agency as a shortcut to building a Super Bowl contender. You know, the kind of thing he continued to do for the next decade.

And why has Snyder learned nothing from his experiences?

Because he lacks self awareness?

He no longer brings in massive free agent hauls.

He gave Albert Haynesworth the most guaranteed money in NFL history.

He likes stability in his front office.

He likes keeping under-qualified yes men on hand to carry out bidding.

He didn’t go for the splashy hire.

Because they rejected his advances. Instead he went with the guy he’d just hired to serve as offensive coordinator. Weird how highly sought after coaches wouldn’t want to work for an ego-maniacal owner who already hired offensive and defensive coordinators.

But at least they showed signs of growth.

Towards what?

This isn’t a defense of Snyder…

Except when it is.

…(and forget about Cerrato, I’m beginning to think he has no actual power and is just a puppet)…

Beginning to think? BEGINNING?!

/rubs temples

Update: Chase responds to my selective quoting.

With no further adieu, on to the picks!

Minnesota -10 at St. Louis

The Rams aren’t bad, they’re fucking abysmal. Minnesota is due to deliver an efficient ass kicking.

Kansas City +9 vs. Dallas

The Cowboys are not a good football team. The only reason they’ve covered once in their last three is because Jake Delhomme is retarded.

Atlanta +3 at San Francisco

Those are three crucial points in such a close match-up.

Indianapolis -4 at Tennessee

Wait, what? Tennessee is crap. They aren’t going to suddenly bounce back to form because they’re playing at home on national television against a division rival. They’re going to get fucked in the ass by a man with a fetus for a head.

Enjoy the games, and if you see Dan Snyder be sure to tell him that he sucks.

Image via Flickr

YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. YOU SPOTLIGHT-HOGGING, WRINKLED OLD HOGCOCK. I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON FISH HOOKS, YOU FUCKING PRICK. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, I’LL ALWAYS HATE YOUR FACE.

(Seriously, though. Nice throw.)

YOU GO TO HELL. YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU GET FLAYED TO ENDLESS ANGUISH BY SATAN’S THREE-TINED COCK.

(However, I have to say, it’s really nice to have a QB who can run the two-minute drill effectively. It’s been fucking ages since the Vikings have run a decent two-minute drill. That’s a huge plus.)

I’M GONNA SNEAK RAT POISON INTO YOUR WATER BOTTLE. THEN I’M GONNA HIDE IN THE LOCKER ROOM TOWEL BIN AND PEEK OUT OF IT AND WATCH WHILE YOUR MOUTH FOAMS UP AND YOU FALL TO THE FLOOR IN CONVULSIONS, WITH MEDICAL STAFF UNABLE TO HELP BECAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU. THIS IS HOW YOUR LIFE WILL END. YOU ARE STILL THE ENEMY, AND I KNOW YOU ARE ONLY HANGING AROUND TO FUCK US OVER. YOU CAN’T FOOL ME, COCKWEED!

(But for real, that was a great move to elude Justin Smith. I thought you were dead meat. Rosencopter would have fumbled the ball, picked it up, and the re-fumbled it.)

AND NOW THE PACKERS ARE COMING?! OH, CHRIST. GET READY FOR FUCKING FAVREY FAVRE FAVRE WEEK. LIKE TIM GODDAMN RYAN DIDN’T SUCK YOUR DICK ENOUGH DURING THE TELECAST, YOU REDNECK PRICK.

(But man, it’s nice to know the Vikes can pull a game out when Purple Jesus is held in check. That’s what was missing from this team. With the way this defense is playing, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say this really is one of the three best teams in the NFC. I think. Maybe.)

OR MAYBE YOU’LL JUST COLLAPSE AND EAT SHIT! AND WHERE’S THE LOVE FOR GREG LEWIS? ALL HE DID WAS DEFY THE LAWS OF FUCKING PHYSICS TO MAKE THAT CATCH. BUT NOOOOO, ALL I HEAR IS FAVRE THREW THIS AND FAVRE THREW THAT AND LOOK AT THE JOY HE BRINGS TO THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD?! GUHHHH. FUCK YOU. I SO HATE ROOTING FOR YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT WEASEL. I HOPE YOU GET HIT BY A CEMENT MIXER FULL OF LEPROSY.

(Good job. I’m relatively pleased with your performance yesterday.)

DICK.

The Washington Redskins proudly boast one of the most visually appealing cheerleading squads in all of football, and as you can see they’re already in mid-season form. The squad has no shortage of uniform options, so head over to Ultimate Cheerleaders, look around, and vote for your favorite look (via Mr. I).

Elsewhere in the world of cheer, The League over at WaPo asks the (ridiculous) question “Should the NFL Get Rid of Cheerleaders?” Fortunately most of the panelists responded with an adamant “no”, including such notables as Dan Levy and the chick in our fantasy league who drafted Eli Manning three rounds too early.

Enjoy this bit of early sexiness, and brace yourselves for another fantastic Mailbag from the esteemed Mr. Ufford.

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Cutler’s attempt to make nice, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC East, where every fan expects to go to the Super Bowl every year.

Dallas Cowboys

Five Fast Facts About Dem Cowboys:

• You haven’t seen Debbie Does Dallas until you’ve seen the remastered Blu-Ray on a $40 million television.
• The Cowboys currently have five players on their roster who attended directional Illinois colleges, yet there’s not a Saluki in the bunch. They have two from Northern Illinois, one from Western Illinois, and one from Eastern Illinois (the Harvard of directional Illinois colleges). Of course that list doesn’t even include Alan Ball who attended Neutral Illinois aka “Illinois Classic”.
• Wade Phillips is being forced to work for free this year after eating $1.5 million in pizza since the new stadium opened.
• Martellus Bennett isn’t from Jupiter, he’s from Lovetron.
• YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAW, THEIR OWNER HAS A NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER!

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

Verdict: UNDER

The Cowboys have gone 9-7 in three of the last four years, so betting the push might not be the worst idea. But screw it, this is the year of the great Cowboy collapse and I’m getting in on the ground floor. Jason Witten is going to be blanketed by opposing defenses, especially if Roy Williams is out for an extended period.

New York Giants

Five Fast Facts About the G-Men:

• Steve Smith is probably the best wide receiver on the team coming into the season, and that is hilarious. He isn’t as talented as his namesake in Carolina, but he is almost as short.
• Osi Umenyiora wants to take a dump on opposing quarterbacks. Figuratively.
• Growing up in Alabama Justin Tuck was a fan of the San Francisco 49ers and the Dallas Cowboys. [throws book at Justin Tuck]
• Eli Manning isn’t the same quarterback when he doesn’t get his mid-morning nap.
• Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Okay, now that we got that out of the way how about shutting the fuck up every time he drags his old ass onto the field?

Vegas Over/Under for 2009:10 wins

Verdict: UNDER. Both the offensive and defensive lines are great, although the latter has been a bit banged up through training camp. The real problem for them will be the lack of playmakers surrounding Eli Manning. The secondary is able to play an aggressive style thanks to a dominant pass rush, however they’re young and largely unproven. Oh, and Aaron Ross is a big bag of suck.

Washington Redskins

Five Fast Facts About the Skins:

• 25% of all Redskins fans at FedEx Field believe that Chief Zee is a real Indian chief.
• The same percentage also thinks that Colt Brennan can be an effective NFL quarterback.
• With Colt struggling a bit this preseason some fans have shifted their allegiance to 5′8″ undrafted free agent Chase Daniel. Because they’re idiots, you see.
• Vinny Cerrato owns seven cats, and zero sharks.
• When I have a kid I want him to grow up to be Ethan Albright. Not because I want a tall goofy ginger for a son, but because the guy has been in the NFL for 15 years all on the strength of his ability to snap a ball a few times a game.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8 wins

Verdict: OVER. 8 wins? Choke on my balls, Vegas. One of the best defenses in the league returns just about everybody and they added Albert Haynesworth and Brian Orakpo. Have you seen Orakpo? He’s like Predator in a jersey. Fuck. I totally forgot that Chris Horton already goes by Predator. I fail.

/homer

Philadelphia Eagles

Five Fast Facts About the Iggles:

• King Dunlap will eventually retire to begin his second career as a tire salesman.
• Ellis Hobbs is really an inanimate stuffed tiger unless Kevin Curtis is talking to him*.
• If you call LeSean McCoy “The Real” then you probably suck.
• Sav Rocca is going to put some serious dents in Jerry’s big TV.
• I’ve had a rough night, and I hate the fucking Eagles, man.

*H/T to Ape

Vegas Over/Under for 2009:9.5 wins

Verdict: OVER The defense lost their architect in Jim Johnson, their leader in Brian Dawkins, and their anchor in Stewart Bradley. Pssh, defense is overrated and this offense can carry any team to the playoffs. That being said, Andy Reid will find a way to fuck this up. Hell, he already started last night. Listen, Mike Vick is a backup quarterback. So stop fucking around and making Donovan McNabb share the field with him. Let Mike Vick get to the point where he can run the second team offense comfortably, then start fucking around with your oh so clever gimmick plays. Otherwise you’re just taking meaningful reps away from the first team offense that you’re going to lean on all year to outscore opponents.

God damn, I’m glad I don’t like this team.

Eagles image via Flickr.

Did you hear that Jerry Jones built a gargantuan $1.15 billion shrine to football and decadence? Because he did, and he wants everyone to know how GODDAMN HUGE it is. Needless to say, Dan Snyder will take this shirt as an affront to his stature and he’ll be even more eager to build a shiny new monstrosity of his own. [NBC DFW]

San Diego Chargers (2008 record: 8-8, Projected 2009 record: 10-6 )

Here is what we know about the Bolts. LaDanian Tomlinson is healthy.

The Chargers should have less pressure on their offense now that Shawne Merriman is back and joined in the linebacking corps by first-round pick Larry English.

Wide receiver Buster Davis continues to develop and big things are expected from him this season.

Furthermore, the Chargers have been experimenting with the “wildcat offense” in training camp…

… with Tomlinson and Legedu Naanee lining up at quarterback.

Denver Broncos (2008 record: 8-8, Projected 2009 record: 5-11 )

Bronco fans have suffered through a tumultuous off-season. First the team fired their multiple Super Bowl winning and future Hall of Fame coach. Then they hired the soon-to-be latest Belichick protégé to crash and burn. Said coach then immediately pissed off their franchise quarterback, who forced a trade for a shitty neckbeard quarterback. Oh, and they paid too much for the husk of Brian Dawkins. Meanwhile, the Denver Post is keeping its readers up to date on all the preseason action. No, we’re not referring to their crappy exhibition games– they are live blogging Brandon Marshall’s trial on battery charges. This is going to be a fanfuckingtastic season for Bronco haters.

Kansas City Chiefs (2008 record: 2-14, Projected 2009 record: 6-10)

New coach Todd Haley hates his wideouts. No, I mean he fucking hates them. He hates Dwayne Bowe. He hates Devard Darling. But this isn’t surprising if you remember how famously he got along with Anquan Boldin. Here are Haley’s latest efforts to motivate his receivers.

“Haley had Bowe’s eyes checked to find out whether his dropped passes were related to poor vision, had cleats examined to help receivers improve their routes and has tried verbal assault therapy — anything to get through to Bowe, who is talented but inconsistent.”

So, what’s next on Haley’s passive-aggressive wide receiver emasculation schedule? We checked:

Oakland Raiders (2008 record: Projected 2009 record: 16-0, Super Bowl bitchez )

Back in April during a live chat on NFL.com, Michael Crabtree was asked about the prospect of being drafted by the Raiders who held the seventh pick. His response? “No comment.” Fast forward four months and Crabtree is holding out of 49ers training camp, claiming that even though he was the tenth overall pick, he should receive compensation greater than that of the Darrius Heyward-Bey—whom the Raiders drafted in his stead. Hey Crabtree, if you wanted Crazy Al to overpay you instead of DHB, maybe you should have chosen your words a little more carefully. Now kindly choke on a three-dick salad, you self-important cocksocket.

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Spotted in Columbia, MD (for those not versed in Maryland suburbia, it’s the line of demarcation between Redskins and Ravens territory): a maternity goods store pushing NFL shirts for extremely pregnant women. Yet the display in the front has a Steelers and a Ravens mannequin posing together, which makes me think the manager, having tired of the schmaltzy overly supportive atmosphere such businesses are supposed to create for their clients, just wants to see some bloated, knocked up ladies come to blows.

Says Ufford: “As long as the unborn children are killed, I’m cool with it.”

Staying with the stupid shirts theme, Terrell Suggs donned this one yesterday.

No shit, P-Drizzle? You say you hate the bitter division rival that beat your team three times last year? Had you not put that on a shirt (one that for some reason is telling me I have a sweet ass), I’d've thought you were only placing bounties on their players to see if your dick could get hard.

In other Ratbirds news: Derrick Mason has ended his contract ploy retirement and has now reportedly arrived at Ravens training camp, thus upgrading the Baltimore receiving corps from being possibly historically awful to merely mediocre. Bully for them.