Eddie from Chevy Chase Village: Did you watch that yesterday?

Ryan from Falls Church: Oh my God, I’m so pissed. I don’t wanna talk about it.

Eddie: That faggot Crosby

Ryan: Fucking Crosby faggot

Eddie: Butthurt fag boy

Ryan: Faghurt butt boy

Eddie: Yeah, the US lost, but hockey got a victory in the long run. That’s what’s important.

Ryan: Yeah, hockey’s back! Football sucks now!

Eddie: No shit. The DMV has been on hockey since 2007.

Ryan: Ahead of the game, son.

Eddie: Our one rapper Wale even said so.

Ryan: I like him because he references suburban counties that I recognize!

Eddie: D.C. is blowing up! We might get two rappers!

Ryan: First we gotta get a sports title!

Eddie: Sports titles confer legitimacy!

Ryan: Redskins won’t get us a title.

Eddie: Fuck the Redskins.

Ryan: Yeah, fuck ‘em. Fuck Snyder. Snyder’s a BAMA! That’s how black people use that word, right?

Eddie: Yeah, total bama.

Ryan: They wanna sign Darren Sproles and Julius Peppers and I don’t even care.

Eddie: Usually, I would have fired up the bandwagon, but after only 15 years of sustained disappointment with free agents, we have already become wise and wary of the futility of acquiring big ticket players.

Ryan: Just like it only took us 10 years of mediocrity to realize FedEx Field is an undesirable gameday experience.

Eddie: DMV is educated. We observe the trends.

Ryan: Haynesworth wasn’t a flop though.

Eddie: Yeah, people don’t understand how he was sneaky good last year.

Ryan: And with Peppers with him?

Eddie: Minimum 12 wins.

Ryan: MINIMUM.

Eddie: We gotta keep JC-17 too.

Ryan: Absolutely. Campbell is a future MVP. We all know it. Sproles is the missing piece of that offense. We just needed a kick returner and a change of pace back.

Eddie: All Randle El’s fault. I knew he would suck two years in. I called it.

Ryan: You did. You called that.

[Whistle on the ice]

Eddie: What happened?

Ryan: Someone got called for offsides.

Eddie: Did they jump early? Did the other team go to silent snap count?

Ryan: No, that’s football offsides. Hockey offsides is different.

Eddie: Different how?

Ryan: Uh…HEY LOOK WE’RE WINNING!

Eddie: OVIIIIIIIIII!

There have been times when I’ve wanted my own entrance music. Whether I was walking into a party, running to jump in a swimming pool, or barrelling into a teenager’s vagina, I would have appreciated a signature tune being played over the loudspeaker beforehand, just to let everyone know I was en route.

Your mission today is to choose your own entrance music. This music will be played everywhere you go. It will be your Hail To The Chief, if you will. Every good hero should have some theme music. So sayeth Keenan Ivory Wayans.

My music will be Redman’s Time For Some Action, as heard in this highlight reel:

I don’t care whether it’s 1990-muthafuckin-2 or not.

You know the rules. Get to it.