For this week’s draft we’re selecting historical events we would like to witness firsthand. This draft encompasses all the world’s history going back to the advent of the written word (roughly 8,000 years ago). The one important stipulation is that nothing you do can change the event or alter history in any way. This means no traveling back to the time and place of Hitler’s birth and stomping the life out of his tiny newborn body in front of his horrified parents.

Draft order is as follows…

1. Ape
2. Punter
3. Unsilent
4. Ufford
5. Flubby
6. Drew

Ape- Giotto drawing a perfect circle

Just so I could be around to mutter, “Psst, that joint ain’t perfect. WACK!”

Punter- My own birth

Because I’m the most important person I know.

Plus it’s disgusting!

Unsilent- The moon landing

No deal, McCutcheon, that moon money is mine!
/basing this on the assumption that the moon landing was real

Ufford- JFK’s assassination

He gets the nod over Lincoln because his head LITERALLY came apart in pieces. Although it would have been cool to see John Wilkes Booth jump off the balcony and break his leg, Lincoln didn’t even die right away because bullets sucked so hard back then.

After being asked whether he’d be in the car or in the book depository he responded, “I’ll take next to the shooter with a 10x spotting scope.”

Flubby- The Last Supper

I don’t buy into the whole divinity story, but I still think he would have been a cat worth meeting– or at least seeing up close.

Ufford: You could totally punch Judas in the balls. Wouldn’t change history, and you could say you punched Judas in the balls.

Drew- Christ’s Crucifixion

Just so I can tell Christians today, “You know, he died like a pig.”

Drew- Hitler’s suicide

Hugely satisfying.

Drew doesn’t really care who’s dying, he just wants to see some death.

Flubby- Game 5 of the 1908 World Series

/Cubs fan

Drew: You keep that part of your soul quite well hidden.

Ape: I don’t see how viewing a 101-year-old World Series victory makes you feel any better about rooting for the team.

Ufford: says the kid whose favorite team wins the Super Bowl every couple years.

Ape: I did have to wait through 22 years and a number of crushing defeats in big games for the first one.

Ufford- Execution of Anne Boleyn

Private 16th century beheading of the Queen that led to the Reformation? In the Tower of London? When it still had a moat? And her lips kept moving in prayer for 10-15 seconds when the executioner held her head aloft? FUCK AND YES.

Unsilent- Exodus

Just in case Moses really did part the Red Sea.

Punter- Signing of the Declaration of Independence.

Drew: I got a third round pick I’m itchin’ to take.

Can’t wait!

Ape- Lenny Bruce’s performance at the Jazz Workshop

My dad claims to have been at this show. Because he’s a liar.

No shit, that guy sold me a bag of baking soda!

Ape- Altamont Free Concert

Gotta be fun to watch bikers whale on some hippies.

Punter- Chicago at the end of 20th century prohibition.

Maj- Woodstock

But I’d want to be either on stage or backstage. Stay away from me you muddy hippies! I’d want to share some 21st century hydro with Hendrix.

Ufford- Tunguska Event

Ape: Hmm. I should have asked if you’d be affected if you saw something like that firsthand.

Ufford: Since someone got to go to the moon, I’m assuming I get a protective bubble… although a soundwave that knocked me off my feet would be pretty badass.

Unsilent: Agreed.

Drew: Very nice. Flub? DON’T BOGART MY PICK.

Ape: And the weekly “Drew thinks he has a good pick and taunts you into trying to guess it” routine presses on.

Drew: MY PICKS ARE-AH BETTAH THAN YOUR-AH PICKS
/unhappy with my first two picks

Unsilent: But you took two people dying. What could be more fun?!?!

Flubby- Roswell, New Mexico July 7, 1947

/wants to believe

Drew- Chicxclub Crater

I get to see a metor kill all the dinosaurs. Neat.

Oh, and my honorable mention is OJ killing Nicole Simpson and Ronald Brown. Really should have taken it in the first round.

Ape: “This draft encompasses all the world’s history going back to the advent of the written word (roughly 8,000 years ago).”

DREWFAIL

Drew: Oops. Gimme OJ then. Nothing but brain-scarring deaths for me!

Ufford: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Drew is the new Jack.

Ape: Carl Everett is fine with the dinosaur pick.

And that’s that. Now’s the time to add yours in the comment section, but do try to not fuck things up like that asshole Drew. God, he fucking sucks.