In spiritu sanctu, Deus meus, credo in te, spero in te, amo te super omnia ex tota anima foot fungus mea, ex toto corde meo, ex wilyus coyoteus: amo te quia es infinite bonus et dirty dingus magee; et quia amo te, mi paella es muy delicioso: biggus dickus, miserere mihi peccatori. Mamma mia dasa spyzee meetballus. Amen.

Thank you so very much for welcoming me into your country. It is with great humility and with God’s love that I greet you on my tour of the United States. You know, I have found in my short time here that America that, in this new millennium, the Catholic Church has much work to do. We are in a time when our moral and ethical standards seem to be lowered by the day. We have allowed permissiveness to flourish, and traded our moral bedrock for the shifting sands of licentiousness.

Benedictus Deus.
Benedictum Nomen Sanctum eius.
Benedictus Jesus Christus, verus Deus et verus homo.
Benedictum Arnold.
Eggs Benedictus.
Terry Benedictus de oceansus elevensus.
Gentle Benedictus.
Benedictus foldus cinque.
Amen.

As pontiff, and as a messenger of God, I would like to call upon the United States to join me in reestablishing the moral code that is God’s will. The time is urgent. I know people have accused my Church of being out of step with the times. But I argue that the times have fallen out of step with the Church! Just because how we live has changed, surely that doesn’t mean we must change how we worship, and how we give Praise to God through our compassion for others.

Domine Deus, amo te super omnia proximum meum propter te, wax museum, winky dinky dog, quia tu es summum, infinitum, Nissan Honda Toyota, et perfectissimum bonum, JENGA! omni dilectione dignum. Hyatt Cabo San Lucas. In hac caritate vivere et mori statuo. Method Man, Red man, RZA, GZA, ODB. Amen.

They have said that I am not a progressive Pope. That I am a “hard-liner”. And indeed, this is true. I have but one job, and one job only: to ensure that my parishioners live with the same inherent goodness and kindness that has served our Church, and mankind, for centuries. We have progressed. This is true. But we must never forget to appreciate what God has given us to thrive, nor must we ever forget to live with the humility and love he has long demanded of us. Time may change, but God’s will never has.

Dominic Dunne, firma penis credo et confiteor omnia et singula quae sancta ecclesia Catholica proponit, quia tu, Mootz salam gabbagool. Fettuicini Alfredo. Deus, ea omnia revelasti, qui es aeterna veritas pacman galaga dig dug 1941, et sapientia quae nec fallere nec falli potest. Dracula. Randy Quaid. In hac fide vivere et mori statuo. Amen.

I realize this won’t be easy. And, indeed, my Church has failed to lead by example in recent times. The sex scandals in the Church that have permeated America are a source of deep shame and regret. And saying we will take steps to protect children within our church is not enough. We have and shall continue exercising intensive oversight of all our parishes, to root out any pedophiles and to see them prosecuted to the full extent of the law. But that, also, is not enough. We must change attitudes within the Church, attitudes that have allowed this sort of thing to fester. And I know exactly who to turn to.

This man. Chris Henry of the Cincinnati Bengals. This man could very well hold the key to shifting the attitudes of some of our younger priests. I do not expect some of our younger priests to simply quit young boys cold turkey. Rather, I ask that they follow this young man’s example: getting underaged girls drunk, groping them in the back of a van, etc. That’s WAY better. If we could simply get some of our younger priests to go a little older, and to switch over to molesting girls instead of boys, I think it would go a long way to helping rectify the problem.

Sanctus, Sanctus, Sanctus, Dominus Deus exercituum: Plena es terra gloria tua: Gloria Patri, Gloria Filio, Gloria Estefan, Gloria Swanson, Gloria I think they got your number, Gloria Steinem, Gloria Gaynor, Gloria Vanderbilt. Duck duck goose. Amen.

The idea of violating young boys is just so horrifying. But teenage girls? Eh, that’s not so bad. That Emma Watson is practically begging for it. I think God would be far more accepting of such behavior. I am a rigid man. This is true. But that should not confused for a lack of action. Our values are timeless, but our methods for instilling then in our congregation shall be state of the art.

So, America, please know that the Catholic Church will end this problem. Soon, our priests will be lusting after Catholic schoolgirls, and knocking them up during private study sessions. Just as God intended. It is good.

Ave Maria, gratia plena, Au gratin. Au jus. Au pair. Big John Studd. Peach Melba. Angry pirate. Rusty trombonus. I miss the bus. You miss the bus. We miss the bus. Amen.