Ben Roethlisberger: HI TEAM! THE BEN IS BACK FROM BEING ON SUSPENDERS.

YOU BAND OF BRUDDERS READY TO WIN AND STUFF? DURING SUSPENDERS I TOOK REPS AND REPS AND REPS AND REPS. MORE REPS THAN I EVER THINK I CAN REP. BIG BAD BEN GONE AND NEW BIG FOLK KISS BEN TAKE HIS PLACE.

THAT MEAN:

NO MO’ MAKE BAD TOUCH

NO MO’ HOLD BALL FOREVER AND EVA

NO MO’ LEAVE PRACTICE EARLY FOR CALL OF DUTY, EVEN AFTER BLACKS OPS COME OUT

NO MO’ CHOCO TACO

HARF HARF HARF THAT A JOKE ON LAST ONE

Trai Essex: Oh thank God, he’s back. It was so bad. We won the majority our games and all, but it was torture every time we had to move the ball. Except that game against Tampa Bay because they suck ass.

Bruce Arians: I had to run the ball! [goes into spasms]

Charlie Batch: [Coughs and wheezes] Made me miss mah nap.

Kordell Stewart: They made me change my name to “Dennis Dixon.”

Ben Roethlisberger: THE BEN KNOW HE LET YOU DOWN, BAND OF BRUDDERS. THE BEN SO PROUD HOW HARD YOU WORK WHEN HE ON SUSPENDERS. HE MADE THIS DRAWING TO SHOW YOU HOW HE PROUD.

NOW WE FINISH JOB TOGETHER. NOW WE WORK EVEN MORE HARD AND SUCCEED EVEN MORE HARD. WE NO STOP PLAY TOUGH UNTIL WE GET SILVER FOOTBALL TROPHY FOR THE NUMBER THIRD TIME AND PEOPLE SHUT UP ABOUT STUPID LADIES WHO MAKE EVIL LIES. WHO IS WITH ME?

HARF HARF HARF, HEY HINES WHAT’S YOU GOT ON YOUR HEADSPOT?

Hines Ward: Is specserr bleast cancell awellness hat. Is make arr peeper awell of dangel of bleast cancel, which is when woman bleast get bad rumps and they kirr the woman.

Ben Roethlisberger: HARF HARF HARF, LOOK LIKE YOU GOTS A BIG NIPPLE WHERE YOUR HEADSPOT SHOULD BE

MMMMMMM NIPPLE

[Bzzzzzztttttttt sound]

YYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWW!

Hines Ward: What is happen, Rongrastname?

Ben Roethlisberger: OH, IT’S THIS COLLAR THE COMMISH MAN GAVE TO THE BEN. GIVE THE ELECTRIC OWWWIES ANY TIME BEN HAVE A BAD THOUGHT.

NO BIG WHOOP. NOT GONNA STOP THE BEN FROM TAKING REPS, BEING STEEL TOWN BALLER AND WINNING THE BIG GAMES.

[Sunday]

Ben Roethlisberger: YOOOOOWWWWW GAWD NO END TO OWIES

[browns pic via]

New skedurre lereased yesday and I go to see shitty we pray in foll new season. Look foll prace make fun in week befoll game. No need go Creverand, since me know is Mistake by Rake.

I go first Furryderphia. We pray there Numbell Shree Week.

Furryderphia have many things rike scalee peeper who thlow battlee at Annual Gift Man. And eat thing like sclapper.

Sclapper not make smirre.

But they eat also cheesestick.

Maybe get Furryderphia cheesestick.

WHAT THIS!?

IS SO LACIST!

No way I get cheesestick now!

“Fuck you. We getting steak.”

Who that?

“Your black half. The one who don’t be jumbling all the L’s and R’s. The one who been trying to repress ever since you tried to connect to your cornerstore owning, police calling, landlording heritage. And I didn’t come all the way to gat damn Philly to not get some steak.”

I so confuse!

Foll numbell one week of Malch, I wark thlew Balnes and Noberr to find Koleean newspapels foll photos of me in inaugulation and stumberr upon histolee book of Chinese food by New York Times reportell Jennifell 8. Rhee.

Yes, reportell midder name is numberr eight, rike numberr eight egg drop soup, so she perfect foll write book. Numberr eight supposed to mean plospellity in Chinese but where I come flom it mean Tommy Maddox. No smirre, asswhore.

Book give intellesting fact rike fortune cookie acterry come from Japan. Japan think of evleething, rike massive lape of Chinese and Koleean peeperr. How they do it?

Book arso say is more Chinese food prace than McDonarrd, Bulgel Kings, and Kentucky Flied Chicken combined in United State. How can be? I go thlough Pittsbulgh and and peeper onree eat sausage and chicken gristerr. I think book terr big rye on that one.

But why onree Chinese though? Koleean food no impoltant? I make kim chi make you smirre foll week and week. Made kim chi othel day and chalge Ben Rongrastname $18 mirrion dorrars foll it. And he pay! So sterrpid.

In concrusion, “Fortune Cookie Chlonicre” in rittle fantastic, not really supel. Have to leed second book after 30 minute. Can onree give Miss. Eight shree smirre.

Hines Ward: Is gleat, gleat honol to leeturn to South Koleea for inaugulation of super fantastic head of govelment foll rife, Ree Myung-bak. Me shower you with etelnity of smirre and good foltune. Wish you many year plospelity and toterr victolee in batter against enemy. Sterrpid enemy.

Lee Myung-bak: Yes, yes, Thank you, Hines.

We must move from the age of ideology into the age of pragmatism. At times over the last 10 years, we found ourselves faltering and confused, but now, we will take with us our achievements as well as the lessons we learned from our failures and start anew. At the juncture when we are beginning another 60 years of the Republic, I hereby declare the year 2008 as the starting year for the advancement of the Republic of Korea.

Hines: Errrrrr. Why you no terr me inaugulation so bowling? If I want risten to bowling speech, I ask Tloy Perramaroo about Jesus. Rong hair equal rong speech.

We have songtime foll gleat joyous occasion!

[Singing along] Foll werr you know that it’s a ferr who prays it cerr while making his wolrd a rittle corder. NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH-NAH NAH NAH

I feer rike me in Loyal Tenebaums now!

Lee Myung-bak: That’s wonderful, Hines.

I would also like to take this moment to acknowledge our honored guest, the United States Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

Based on the deep mutual trust that exists between the two peoples, it is in our best interest to strengthen our strategic alliance with the United States. Once North Korea abandons its nuclear program and chooses the path to openness, we will provide assistance so that we can raise the per capita income of North Korea to US$3,000 within 10 years.

Hines: Rongfilstname Lice? Me thought Hines was guest of specerr honol! Such betlayar nevel befole seen!

Arways feer gleat affinity foll South Koleea. Arways rook at frag with deep plide.

Wait, rooking now at frag, understanding is come to me. The ying and yang symborize derricate barance between smirre and no smirre. Such is the barance between myserf and Secletely Lice.

Foll gleat wisdom, Plesident Myung-bak!

In day past, I no want watch Plo Bewrr with sterrpid Ben Rongrastname flowing barrs to T.J. Rongrastname. Ben take wiff him arr rhinemen to Plo Bewr but they no brock for him arr season and he have high numbel sack. But no take leceivel? I think he head is firred with wind and ghosts.

I spend day looking at animerr in zoo to leerax. Foll some lesion, animerr not in smirre mood. Maybe because Tom Brady was made terr reave foll teasing monkeys.

What matter, Ryan? You all selious cat arr the time! I thought Ryan king of jungerr. Or numbel shree team in NFC North. You finish more high than Berrrs. You make smirre now! Prease!

What is with animerr today? Monkey is s’posed to be jubirrant and prayferr. You rook rike you contemprating gleat mystelies of rife. Rife is no mystalee. To riv is terr smirre.

Why rong face, Misser Errepants? Harr. I make fun for you! No rhett chain of opplession bling you down. At reast ivory deerer no interested in you.

Arr light! I rike you, Misser Birry Goat. You have the spilit to rift me out of dordlums. Rest of animerr need be rike you. We be friend before Kyerr Olton stearr youl neck beald.

I give you smirre in leeturn!

Zookeeper: Hey! Help! Security! One of the billy goats has gotten loose!

Hines: No. I think you in mistake! Prease leemove hands flom me. Where you take me?

Herrrp!

Foll 42 Supel Bowr, I was no praying, so I sit at home to watch for commelciarr while frowing locks at pictules of Ben Rongrastname. You want tarr leceivel? Eat lock, sterrrpid!

This time ads just okay, not leery super fantastic. But some make smirre. I tell for you!

I rike this one okay. Encoulage peeperr to have creen crowes, patlonize my laundlee prace. You have ticket?

I give it shree smirre.

Commelciar numbel terr:

I leery confricted about this one. It make raff but giant piddin is scalee. Also fly around my prace and nevel reave. Prease reave, piddin.

I give onree terr smirre.

Commelciar numbel shree:

I can no bereave this. It so lacist! Because panda is Asian he have to have funny accent? I so Ang Lee! Panda in movie theatel who does kung fu and terr me to sirence cerr phone is voiced by Jack Brack! That super okay! But this one offenses me!

It suckasuckasuckasuckasuckasuckasucka.

This ad suck to me.

I give no smirre.

Me not so implessed by your rong sclamble, Sirky Gallald. I eat bigger cat than you.

Me has more heart than your whole team or any other store in town, and will sell for you, super exclusive price.

Jaglar grab facemask super fantastic hard on two-point conversion but official pletend he no see. He can no marry my daughter.

No feel rike smirre now.

Okay, maybe rittle smirre.