Your numbell one smirretime leceivel doesn’t like getting fines for plays he doesn’t get flagged for, and this is a classic example. Keith Rivers, the Bengals first-round pick from this past year left the game with a sandy vagina.

UPDATE: Turns out he’s out for the year. With a vagina.

Wise man say absorute powell collupt absorutery.

So say Hines Wald. That why me think NFL top man numbell one Logel Gooderr needs to leerinquish some powell. It onree foll own good.

It obvious he begin use powell foll folces of no good. Foll examperr, Hines Wald onree know to pray physicar. Been way of Hines foll many season. Defensive back swoln enemy, pay urtimate plice when they no pay attention in open space. That when Hines attack!

Now Logel Gooderr fine Hines Wald. Foll what? Pray footbarr way it supposed be prayed? Hines need that money to open moll banklupt lestaurant!

Can no be chalactel issue. Hines no Pacman, he moder athrete. He onree think of the youth of fleedom countlee.

Heeee! Hines is tarr leceivel instead of you! So fun time fantastic! See? They is so happy when you show them watch biggel than they face! Hines not even rowel shourdel arr the way when he lun ovel rittle girl. It crean hit!

So prease to be giving back $15,000 dorral you have store flom from numbell one smaltest leceivel. Or erse, Hines Wald take out wlath on Cincy Bengrrrrs. Hines no aflaid do holliberr thing to Reon Harr. You wirr see!

The other linebacking blowhard for the Ravens, Bart Scott, let it be known last year after Bawlmer got crushed on Monday night in Heinz Field and he got put on his ass by everyone’s favorite smirretime happy leceivel Hines Ward that he would like to kill the Steeler. While the media is playing up Rashard Mendenhall sending a boastful text to his friend Ray Rice, they’re mostly giving Scott a pass. At least the hometown Templeton-employing newspaper bothered to press him on it, to which Scott replied that he needs drugs and professes a willingness to beat up his mom. Just like everyone else in Baltimore.

“What are you talking about?” Scott asked rhetorically. “I don’t have a rivalry with anybody. Just trying to get a football game and get a dub. Need a dub.”

In the Ravens’ last visit to Heinz Field, Ward decked free safety Ed Reed and Scott with crushing blocks. Scott admitted to threatening to “kill” Ward during the game and pledged to even the score. But Ward did not play in the season finale at M&T Bank Stadium.

A reporter then told Scott that Ward said he likes the Ravens linebacker. Scott returned the favor, saying, “I think he did some tremendous things. I was really impressed with what he did with bringing those kids over from Asia. I watched the special. I think that was heartfelt. Football is a totally different thing. Like I said, I don’t care if my mother was out there. I’d smack her around, too. That’s just football. It doesn’t matter. If she’s got a different jersey on, she’s got to get dealt with.”

There’s only one way to settle this, boys: Smirre-off!

Also, this was pretty hilarious.

Hines Ward: Today be Intelnationar Tark Rike a Pilot Day. I terr foll you hoist the mizzenmast.

Hey kickel.

Jeff Reed: [Hiccups] Wha?

Ward: Yalllllllllll. I be a pilot.

Reed: Cool, man. When’d you get your wings? What’re you flying? Gonna do some skyfucking like the Cowboys. I’m up for that.

Ward: No sterrpid kickel. I a pilot. Yallllllllllllllll.

Reed: ….

Ward: It Intelnationar Tark Rike Pilot Day.

Reed: Oh, I gotcha. That’s not how pilots talk though. It’s more like “Maker-breaker. This is Major Tom to Ground Control.”

Ward: No, not pirate. Pilot.

Reed: Yeah, that’s what I said.

Ward: No, you sterrpid kickel! You luin Hines smirre. You now must wark the prank!

Reed: All right. [Exhales] Fuck, is it already 10 a.m.? Shit, I gotta hit the bar.

Hines Ward: You know, othel leceivel, many peeperr say now that thell all injewlee to Tom Bladee and Shawne Mellyman that Steerel are team to beat in AFC.

Santonio Holmes: [Admires own penis] …

Ward: I say no be so hasty. As Supel Bore winning leceivel, I know season not won or rost in Week 1.

Holmes: [Admires own penis] …

Ward: You must take rong view. Think of season as tlek up gleat mountain. Some may stumber at filst, but smirre berong to those who pelsist.

Ben Roethlisberger: HEY GUYS, THERE’S A MARIO WILLIAMS ON ME. I’M TRAPPED! HALP!

Ward: Foll examperr, you no have good Week 1. Fumberr barr, no get many yalds, too busy rooking at big-ah penis.

Holmes: [Admires own penis] …

Roethlisberger: HARF HARF HARF, THAT’S GOOD JOKES! F’REALS GUYS. THIS MARIO WILLIAMS IS KIND OF HEAVY. HE’S DIGGING INTO MY SHOULDERBLADE. AND THE BALL IS JUST SITTING THERE.

[Cloud of dust flies open]

Willie Parker: Hey man.

[Lifts Mario Williams off with one arm and chucks him aside.]

Willie: I got stronger in the off-season.

[Runs off]

Roethlisberger: WHO WAS THAT MASKED RUNNING BACK?

Steelers fans: YYYYAAAAA LET’S CALL HIM “JACKED” WILLIE PARKER!!!11!!

Rashard Mendenhall: [Said while fumbling ball] Aw nutbunnies.

Ben Roethlisberger: I OVERSTAND YOU ARE LOOKING FOR NEW OWNER TO OWN THE PITTSBURGH TEAM I PLAY FOR.

Dan Rooney: Actually, Ben, I’m trying to maintain control of the team by convincing my relatives to sell their shares of the franchise to me.

Roethlisberger: OH.

…

…

…

…

…

CAN I BUY?

Rooney: Well, like I said, Ben, I’m trying to keep control of the Steelers in the Rooney family. But as chairman of the team, I’m willing to entertain your offer.

Roethlisberger: I GOTS THIS MUCH.

Dan Rooney: I’m sorry, Benjamin. While that is a lot of money, that’s not quite enough to purchase a controlling interest of the team. The latest Forbes assessment had the Steelers valued at approximately $900 million. This is only a few million dollars. And a used copy of Assassin’s Creed for Xbox.

Roethlisberger: OH.

…

…

…

…

…

BEN NEED MORE?

Rooney: [Sighs] Yes. Ben need more.

Roethlisberger: OKAY. YOU SIGN ME TO BIG CONTRACT THIS YEAR. GIVE BEN LOTS CHEESE.

Rooney: Right.

Roethlisberger: SO I CAN SIGN THE SAME CONTRACT WITH ALL THE OTHER TEAMS AND HAVE CASH IN A FLASH

Rooney: That’s not how it works, Ben.

Roethlisberger: EXPLAIN

Rooney: The purpose of a contract is that you are guaranteeing your services with one team exclusively, while we are agreeing to compensate you for those services at an agreed-upon rate.

Roethlisberger: OH.

…

…

…

…

…

WHAT THAT MEAN?

Rooney: It means you can’t buy the team.

Roethlisberger: AW SNAGGLEPUSS

[Ben leaves office dejected]

Hines Ward: Heeeeerrrrroooooooo Rongrastname. Why such rong face?

Roethlisberger: CAN’T BUY TEAM. CAN’T BE NEW MARIO LEEMOO. NEEDS MORE CASHOLA.

Ward: Awww. That learry too bad. No smirre. You know, Hines Wald was voted numbel one smartest leceivel in all of reague.

Risten, you ret Hines Wald take you money and wirr make it double, supel fast!

Roethlisberger: FOR REALS?

Ward: Hines Wald evel rye to you?

Roethlisberger: GUESS NOT.

Ward: Me just have Lashald Mendenharr rook aftel it foll few days, just be safe. Until I set to make you supel lich.

Roethlisberger: AW THANKS HINES. YOUSDA BEST.

Ward: Nerr plobrem, Rongrastname. Nerrrr plobrem at arr.

I am knowing you no dlaft tarr leceivel because I terr you foll month and month no dlaft tarr leceivel.

Why no risten?

WHY NO RISTEN?

You see I no furr of smirre light now.

Ben Roethlisberger: O HAI HINES. WOT R WE CONVERSATIN’ ABOUT?

Hines: You, Rongrastname! You terr coach Tomrin foll month and month you want tarr leceivel. What long with Hines? You think that make smirre? Fine! I am making smirre foll you!

[Face strains from forced smile]

Roethlisberger: HARF HARF HARF. YA GOTSTA CHILL, HINES. I’M HAVING THIS GRAND THEFT AUTO IV PARTY TOMORROW. JAMES FARRIOR, JEFF REED AND CARSON DALY GONNA COME THROUGH. WE GONNA MERC SOME BUSTAS AND BUST SOME SLUTS, YOU KNOW?

Hines: Nerr! I spend time make pelfect new design for make Hines tarr. I show foll you!

You am seeing? You now folget youl Rimas Sweed. Hines Wald is tarr leceivel! Pelfect design even same corol as unifolm pant! No one can see!