Am tlying make smirre even though knee is have splain and good flend Misser Birry Goat is have regar plobrem. I get you best leplesentation money can buy, Misser Birry Goat. Hines nevel folget a flend.

Lehab on knee go okay but is so difficurt. I tly lickshawlickshawlickshawlickshawlickshawlickshaw but it onree go so fal. Supprement with baby mouse wine lemedy foll make celtain knee is good. The taste, it is bad, but effect is supelfantastic potent.

Chinese all some asswhores, but they make effective lemedy.

I am is going to pray. Chance foll pray is 100 pelcent. But need be top shape for be Supel Bowr MVP one second time. Must pray. Can no watch on TV because wirr see lacist commelciar rike rast yeal.

It stirr make me Ang Lee! No way they win Oscar over Warr*E. Lobot is cute and not offensive to othel lobot!

Moll impoltant it is to pray because they put giant Hines on side of stadium. He smirre is foll arr to see!

[Thanks to Kyle in Tampa for the picture from the grassy knoll]

For all the readers who hate my onslaught of homerism on KSK and want to see me get my comeuppance, today may be your lucky day. Because there is no ending to the Steelers season that could be more embarrassing and soul-crushing than losing a fourth straight AFC Title Game at home to the shithead Ravens. 0-16 wouldn’t be as bad. Losing the Super Bowl, while immensely disappointing and painful, wouldn’t be as bad. Ravens fans can explain a loss away by saying where they got was a lot further than a rookie quarterback and a rookie head coach should have taken them. Steelers fans have no such fallback. Well, they can always complain that that Palamuuluu guy wasn’t totally healthy.

But with great risk comes great reward. The Steelers can go 3-0 this season over a hated rival and 2-0 against them in the playoffs. For all the talk of how promising Flacco looks, Ray-Ray, Terrell Suggs and Bart Scott are all free agents this year. Their best receiver, Derrick Mason, turned 35 yesterday (Why weren’t Ravens fans celebrating his birthday? Quick guess: He’s not white). This could be the Ravens’ best chance for a while.

I’d love to be here to live blog it for you (that’s a lie) but I have to brave the crowds in D.C. to hit the bar on the Hill. So enjoy the bloodbath in open thread form. And, hey, the only home win in an AFC Championship Game in the Cowher era did come against a Harbaugh brother.

Why is Phil Simms the only guy in that booth still doing the headline games?

Chinese uncurr keeping watch ovel Steerel lun to Supell Bowr. He make video to say he see me smirre during first prayoff game.

I am show foll you!

Sometime he get callied away. I see him in video do smoke and have lots arcohor, I think he hit hald by wife being thlown in plison by state. No smirre.

I stirr appleciate video message. But, uncurr, it’s no carred “chomponchip.” That’s emballassing. It carred Supell Bowrr. I arleady win one. You am knowing this!

He is knowing that Lavens is team furr of climinarr. I say lerax! Tellerr Suggs one who put bounty on me and he maybe no even pray! Get flightened off rike Mongorrian pussy. Even if he pray, I no wolly. Lavens asswhores tark and tark and tark, and they do nothing! Just rike Nolth Koleans. They maybe wolk togethel.

He ask about govelment in Amullica. I say sometime they do clazy thing rike change name. And othel time they just clooked. He undelstand clooked bettel.

Oh, famous polln stall Risa Ann! I such big fan! You pray Salah Payrin in Hines #1 bukkake crip! I lub one out to you rong time! I rike it when you get big creampie! It Hines favollet kind of pie! Oooooh, hairpie!

pic courtesy of reader Don S.

Bet Lisa wasn’t feeling so hot today, though. Know what might cheer her up?

SMIRRE: THE MOVIE. In news I couldn’t make up at my most weeded, a movie about Hines Ward’s life is apparently in development. According to the rather unhelpful article, the film will focus on how his mother worked very hard when Hines was a kid, which enabled him to become an NFL receiver, which, let me tell you, sounds like riveting drama. But who will play the NFL’s smaltest smirretime leceivel? How about Keanu Reeves? He’s half-Asian. Ah so, but they need a smart half-Asian. And probably one who’s also half-black. Of course, they already got the guy from Bloodsport to play Rongrastname.

When asked by a reporter why he thinks the Ravens hate everyone’s favolite smalt smirretime leceivel, Hines Ward was at a loss. After all, the Ravens put a bounty on him then issued a bullshit denial to the media so they wouldn’t get suspended. After mulling it over a bit, Hines gave a very telling answer:

Hating Hines’ smirre? That’s like hating puppy dogs, big luscious titties or The Dark Knight on Blu-Ray. It’s impossible. And here I thought I was capable of unreasoning hate. You Ratbirds are sick! Sick, I say!
(more…)

Numbell one smaltest leceivel have good week. Skull big touchdown against Pateleeit, give big smirre for white peoperr who tord me go back to MIT. Hey, THAT’S LACIST!

This week I get leady for game against Cowboys. Have to keep ahead of Lavens for division read, so is supell big game, I terr foll you. Need to make sule we the winnel. To get inside infollmation, ask cousin from Ronestall Steak what we have to do to beat Darras.

“RRRRRREEEEEEE HARRRRRRRRR I AM MAKE CLAZEE FOLL YOU!”

I no understand what he mean. Ronestall Steak is a velee stlange prace.

It confound me rots. What can I do to get leady for Cowboys? I use glaphing carcurator and everything. Is important game! But then arr a sudden I hear Pittsbulgh get new sistell shitty. Why can they no get one in Kolea? Prenty of good shitty thell. They be youll sistell shitty half plice! Anyway, Da Nang arleady sistell shitty of Oakrand! Can no have two ugree sistell, Da Nang! That too much! You take one!

It tuln out, even foll Vietnamese asswhore, peoperr in Da Nang is usefur. Give many batter tactic that I can use against invading nation.

Ooooh, he rike Asian Praxico!

See, Cowboy hate Indian and eventuarry wipe out Indian. But Cowboy no destloy Vietcong. Sterrpid Cowboy Amelican get dliven away by Vietcong. So Hines set up tlip wire and punji tlap arr ovell Hines Field. Maybe I make Hines Chi Ward Tlair, to go from my endzone to Darras endzone. Sterrpid loundeye no know what hit him!

Prus Vietcong never call Hines brack half a dirty word.

The Bengals would love nothing more than to exact revenge on Hines Ward. Okay, they’d actually like it more if the season were over, but they’ll take a Hines injury too. Get in line, fuck-os. Anyway, sure, it’s a lop-sided match-up on paper and you’ll have to suffer through heavy doses of Ape homerism, but if the Steelers lose to the Bengals you may get to experience me committing suicide LIVE on the Internet! In real time!

Your numbell one smirretime leceivel doesn’t like getting fines for plays he doesn’t get flagged for, and this is a classic example. Keith Rivers, the Bengals first-round pick from this past year left the game with a sandy vagina.

UPDATE: Turns out he’s out for the year. With a vagina.

Wise man say absorute powell collupt absorutery.

So say Hines Wald. That why me think NFL top man numbell one Logel Gooderr needs to leerinquish some powell. It onree foll own good.

It obvious he begin use powell foll folces of no good. Foll examperr, Hines Wald onree know to pray physicar. Been way of Hines foll many season. Defensive back swoln enemy, pay urtimate plice when they no pay attention in open space. That when Hines attack!

Now Logel Gooderr fine Hines Wald. Foll what? Pray footbarr way it supposed be prayed? Hines need that money to open moll banklupt lestaurant!

Can no be chalactel issue. Hines no Pacman, he moder athrete. He onree think of the youth of fleedom countlee.

Heeee! Hines is tarr leceivel instead of you! So fun time fantastic! See? They is so happy when you show them watch biggel than they face! Hines not even rowel shourdel arr the way when he lun ovel rittle girl. It crean hit!

So prease to be giving back $15,000 dorral you have store flom from numbell one smaltest leceivel. Or erse, Hines Wald take out wlath on Cincy Bengrrrrs. Hines no aflaid do holliberr thing to Reon Harr. You wirr see!