Well, here’s a familiar photo. It was just 10 months ago that I was fired from The Washington Post for posting this here picture and boasting of being drunk while watching Super Bowl XL in a bar in my free time. But, hey, now I get to write about football-related dick jokes from home as a job now.

Will Leitch has already detailed how he dreamt at age 11 of Matt Leinart or some other left-handed QB winning the Cardinals a Super Bowl. Can’t say I’ve always had the same visions for my team this year, but I’d like to think the football gods smiled upon me for my blog martyrdom BECAUSE IT’S ALL ABOUT ME ME ME though probably not. I, unlike Leitch, can’t claim to have seen this Super Bowl coming for Pittsburgh, what with an impossible-looking schedule, Bruce Arians and a sieve of an offensive line. Yet here we are.

This summer I was told by Daulerio that I’d become Deadspin’s roving correspondent, which would include covering the Super Bowl for them. In the time since, Gawker had been cutting budget for months, so it seemed less and less likely that I would be going to Tampa. The definitive news came down from Daulerio at the beginning of January, so it was then that I figured the Steelers pretty much had to go. Just to fuck me over.

The rest of the Gay Mafia will get you through the big day. I, meanwhile, will be at the same place I was when watching Super Bowl XL. Whether the parrot shows for more pics I can’t be sure. Either way, I’ll be back this evening to mock the Steelers haters until my typing fingers are sore if the team wins or subject myself to your unstinting collective ridicule if they lose. Should be fun.

Arizona Is Finally Getting The Hang Of Football Douchebaggery. It was just two weeks ago that Will Leitch was bitching that Cardinals fans were engaging in amateur hour antics like The Wave at the NFC Title Game, but now Buzzsaw backers have graduated to obsessive fan territory by having their schools send home students who wear Steelers jerseys. You’ve come a long way, baby!

Am tlying make smirre even though knee is have splain and good flend Misser Birry Goat is have regar plobrem. I get you best leplesentation money can buy, Misser Birry Goat. Hines nevel folget a flend.

Lehab on knee go okay but is so difficurt. I tly lickshawlickshawlickshawlickshawlickshawlickshaw but it onree go so fal. Supprement with baby mouse wine lemedy foll make celtain knee is good. The taste, it is bad, but effect is supelfantastic potent.

Chinese all some asswhores, but they make effective lemedy.

I am is going to pray. Chance foll pray is 100 pelcent. But need be top shape for be Supel Bowr MVP one second time. Must pray. Can no watch on TV because wirr see lacist commelciar rike rast yeal.

It stirr make me Ang Lee! No way they win Oscar over Warr*E. Lobot is cute and not offensive to othel lobot!

Moll impoltant it is to pray because they put giant Hines on side of stadium. He smirre is foll arr to see!

[Thanks to Kyle in Tampa for the picture from the grassy knoll]

For all the readers who hate my onslaught of homerism on KSK and want to see me get my comeuppance, today may be your lucky day. Because there is no ending to the Steelers season that could be more embarrassing and soul-crushing than losing a fourth straight AFC Title Game at home to the shithead Ravens. 0-16 wouldn’t be as bad. Losing the Super Bowl, while immensely disappointing and painful, wouldn’t be as bad. Ravens fans can explain a loss away by saying where they got was a lot further than a rookie quarterback and a rookie head coach should have taken them. Steelers fans have no such fallback. Well, they can always complain that that Palamuuluu guy wasn’t totally healthy.

But with great risk comes great reward. The Steelers can go 3-0 this season over a hated rival and 2-0 against them in the playoffs. For all the talk of how promising Flacco looks, Ray-Ray, Terrell Suggs and Bart Scott are all free agents this year. Their best receiver, Derrick Mason, turned 35 yesterday (Why weren’t Ravens fans celebrating his birthday? Quick guess: He’s not white). This could be the Ravens’ best chance for a while.

I’d love to be here to live blog it for you (that’s a lie) but I have to brave the crowds in D.C. to hit the bar on the Hill. So enjoy the bloodbath in open thread form. And, hey, the only home win in an AFC Championship Game in the Cowher era did come against a Harbaugh brother.

Why is Phil Simms the only guy in that booth still doing the headline games?

Chinese uncurr keeping watch ovel Steerel lun to Supell Bowr. He make video to say he see me smirre during first prayoff game.

I am show foll you!

Sometime he get callied away. I see him in video do smoke and have lots arcohor, I think he hit hald by wife being thlown in plison by state. No smirre.

I stirr appleciate video message. But, uncurr, it’s no carred “chomponchip.” That’s emballassing. It carred Supell Bowrr. I arleady win one. You am knowing this!

He is knowing that Lavens is team furr of climinarr. I say lerax! Tellerr Suggs one who put bounty on me and he maybe no even pray! Get flightened off rike Mongorrian pussy. Even if he pray, I no wolly. Lavens asswhores tark and tark and tark, and they do nothing! Just rike Nolth Koleans. They maybe wolk togethel.

He ask about govelment in Amullica. I say sometime they do clazy thing rike change name. And othel time they just clooked. He undelstand clooked bettel.

Oh, famous polln stall Risa Ann! I such big fan! You pray Salah Payrin in Hines #1 bukkake crip! I lub one out to you rong time! I rike it when you get big creampie! It Hines favollet kind of pie! Oooooh, hairpie!

pic courtesy of reader Don S.

Bet Lisa wasn’t feeling so hot today, though. Know what might cheer her up?

SMIRRE: THE MOVIE. In news I couldn’t make up at my most weeded, a movie about Hines Ward’s life is apparently in development. According to the rather unhelpful article, the film will focus on how his mother worked very hard when Hines was a kid, which enabled him to become an NFL receiver, which, let me tell you, sounds like riveting drama. But who will play the NFL’s smaltest smirretime leceivel? How about Keanu Reeves? He’s half-Asian. Ah so, but they need a smart half-Asian. And probably one who’s also half-black. Of course, they already got the guy from Bloodsport to play Rongrastname.

When asked by a reporter why he thinks the Ravens hate everyone’s favolite smalt smirretime leceivel, Hines Ward was at a loss. After all, the Ravens put a bounty on him then issued a bullshit denial to the media so they wouldn’t get suspended. After mulling it over a bit, Hines gave a very telling answer:

Hating Hines’ smirre? That’s like hating puppy dogs, big luscious titties or The Dark Knight on Blu-Ray. It’s impossible. And here I thought I was capable of unreasoning hate. You Ratbirds are sick! Sick, I say!
Read the rest of this entry »

Numbell one smaltest leceivel have good week. Skull big touchdown against Pateleeit, give big smirre for white peoperr who tord me go back to MIT. Hey, THAT’S LACIST!

This week I get leady for game against Cowboys. Have to keep ahead of Lavens for division read, so is supell big game, I terr foll you. Need to make sule we the winnel. To get inside infollmation, ask cousin from Ronestall Steak what we have to do to beat Darras.

“RRRRRREEEEEEE HARRRRRRRRR I AM MAKE CLAZEE FOLL YOU!”

I no understand what he mean. Ronestall Steak is a velee stlange prace.

It confound me rots. What can I do to get leady for Cowboys? I use glaphing carcurator and everything. Is important game! But then arr a sudden I hear Pittsbulgh get new sistell shitty. Why can they no get one in Kolea? Prenty of good shitty thell. They be youll sistell shitty half plice! Anyway, Da Nang arleady sistell shitty of Oakrand! Can no have two ugree sistell, Da Nang! That too much! You take one!

It tuln out, even foll Vietnamese asswhore, peoperr in Da Nang is usefur. Give many batter tactic that I can use against invading nation.

Ooooh, he rike Asian Praxico!

See, Cowboy hate Indian and eventuarry wipe out Indian. But Cowboy no destloy Vietcong. Sterrpid Cowboy Amelican get dliven away by Vietcong. So Hines set up tlip wire and punji tlap arr ovell Hines Field. Maybe I make Hines Chi Ward Tlair, to go from my endzone to Darras endzone. Sterrpid loundeye no know what hit him!

Prus Vietcong never call Hines brack half a dirty word.

The Bengals would love nothing more than to exact revenge on Hines Ward. Okay, they’d actually like it more if the season were over, but they’ll take a Hines injury too. Get in line, fuck-os. Anyway, sure, it’s a lop-sided match-up on paper and you’ll have to suffer through heavy doses of Ape homerism, but if the Steelers lose to the Bengals you may get to experience me committing suicide LIVE on the Internet! In real time!