Hines Ward: I am no berieve peeper say that numbell one smaltest leceivel arso numbell one dilty prayer.

Clazy! This not having sense. Evelytime, I am making pray extla crean. No othel prayer in reague make pray as crean as I make pray. Give smirre upon compretion of selvice. You see and think to youlserf, “Wow nevel have a seen so crean a pray. I courd eat dinnel light off this pray.”

So why othel footbarr prayer make vote for me be numbell one diltbarr? Jearousy is most rikery the leason. They rook and see they-ul pray not as crean as Hines Wald pray. Say to themserves, “HE IS THINK HE IS SO CREAN! I AM SHOWING HINES WALD BY VOTE HIM DILTY MAN!”

Werr, I am vote 11.6 pelcent of the reague as the most jearous 11.6 percent of the NFR. HOW DOES THAT FEER? TWO CAN PRAY THE ANG-LEE VOTE GAME!

[Door marked "Push" is pulled for two minutes, then flies open]

Ben Roethlisberger: HI HINES

THE BEN IS HELLA STOKED FOR NEW CALL OF DUTY NEXT WEEK! THIS TIME THE WARFARE IS MODERN FOR THE SECOND TIME! I’M GONNA PEW THEN PWN THEN PEW THEN MAYBE UNLEASH KNIFE PWNAGE! BUT IN MODERN STYLE!

WAIT – THAT’S NOT A STOKED FACE! WHY HINES HAS A SAD?

Hines Ward: Rongrastname, rook at rist of dilty prayer foll this yeal. Who you am seeing at top?

Ben Roethlisberger: THAT’S YOU! YOU WIN!

Hines Ward: No, you am not undelstand. Is bad rist! Is not rist you want to be on! Is rist that say to wolrd – this man is dilty man. He shamefurr with dilt! No ret him mally youl daughtel.

Ben Roethlisberger: UH OH

Hines Ward: What?

Ben Roethlisberger: BEN SCREW POOCH

Hines Ward: What you do?

Ben Roethlisberger: I THINK THE BEN VOTED FOR YOU ON THE BAD LIST. SEE, THE MAN ASK THE BEN TO VOTE FOR DIRTY GUY. AND I ‘MEMBERS THIS ONE TIME I SAW YOU DIVE FOR THROW AND GET UP COVERED IN THE ICK. HINES IS A DIRTY GUY! I VOTE FOR HINES!

Hines Ward: I am hoping you not expecting brockers on colnel britz when we pray the Bloncos.

Ben Roethlisberger: DOES THIS MEAN YOU’RE MAD?

HALP!

HINES YOU GOTSTA HALP

Hines Ward: Carm down, carm down. What is happen, Rongrastname?

Ben Roethlisberger: CRAZY COWBOY LADY SAY THE BEN PUT HIS PENISSPOT WHERE IT SHOULDNA BEEN

Hines Ward: She is say you is commit the lape?

Hmm

Vvveeeeeeellllleeeeee selious

Ben Roethlisberger: BUT THE BEN DONE NOTHING BAD! HE IS PURE AS NEW CHOCO TACO FRESH OUT THE WRAPPER! SHE IS THE FIBBER! SHE IS THE FIBBER!

Hines: You is needing to lerax and make exprain what is -

Ben Roethlisberger: NOW THE BEN FANS ALL THINK BEN IS BAD BEN. THEY DON’T BELIEVE NOTHING I TELLS THEM. EVEN KIDS CHASE THE BEN AROUND AND SAY HE IS THE GIVER OF THE BAD TOUCH.

Hines: Foll stalter, you terr foll me what is happen on night with supellclazy cowboy woman. Make celtain you not reave out any detairs.

Ben Roethlisberger: OK. IT GO LIKE THIS:

THE BEN IS IN HOTEL TO STAY FOR OFFSEASON GOLF STUFF, RIGHT? THE TV IS DONE BROKE. CANNOT PLAY CALL OF DUTY. KINDA GOING LITTLE BIT CRAZY. I SEE HOTEL LADY. I SAY, “HEY HOTEL LADY. TV IS BROKE. MAKE UNBROKE MY TV ON THE PRONTO.”

SO SHE COME IN ROOM AND PLUG IT IN AND TV WORK AGAIN LIKE MAGIC. THE BEN START PLAYING CALL OF DUTY RIGHT AWAY. BUT I NOTICE COWBOY HOTEL LADY IS STILL IN ROOM, I THINK EXPECTING HER TIP. I SAY, “GO FOR IT, HELP YOURSELF” BECAUSE MY AWESOME VELCRO WALLET IS SITTING ON THE LAMPSTAND.

NOW I IS ONLY PAYING ATTENTION TO CALL OF DUTY BECAUSE I IS PLAYING WITH MAURICE TWO-NAMES, BUT ALL A-SUDDEN IT START GETTING MORE FUN THAN USUAL. IT FEELS VERY GOOD, LIKE THE BEN HAS 20 KILL STREAK, BUT THE BEN DOESN’T HAVE 20 KILL STREAK AT ALL. GOOD FEELING IS ACTUALLY COWBOY LADY WITH HER LIPS ON THE PENISSPOT.

THIS IS A SURPRISE TO THE BEN

Hines: Then what happen?

CALL OF DUTY GAME ENDS AND THERE IS A MINUTE UNTIL THE NEXT ONLINE MATCH LOADS SO I FIGURES I HAS TIME TO TAKE EXPRESS TRAIN TO SEXTOWN. WE DO THAT, THE BEN’S PENISSPOT DUCKS OUT OF THE LADY POCKET JUST IN TIME, THEN SHE GOES TO BATHROOM TO CLEAN HERSELF OR SOMETHING. I GO BACK TO GAME.

LITTLE LATER, WHEN SHE LEAVE, SHE TELL ME TO CALL HER AGAIN. I SAID, “HARF HARF HARF, WHY SHOULD I CALL AGAIN? YOU ALREADY FIX TV”

THIS MAKES CRAZY COWBOY LADY TURN TO ANGRY CRAZY COWBOY LADY. I IS NOT SURE WHAT MAKING HER SO TICKED OFF. SHE FIXED TV, SHE BOARD EXPRESS TRAIN TO SEXTOWN. ALL GOOD STUFF. WHY THE ANGRY?

NOW ONE YEAR LATER SHE SAYING THE BEN PULLED A KOBE.

WHAT IS THE BEN TO DO!? WHAT IS THE BEN TO DO!? FOR LOVE OF CHOCO TACOS, CALL OF DUTY AND HONEY COMBS CEREAL, YOU MUST TELL ME!

Hines: Thele no need to wolly, Rongrastname. Befole you come to Steerels, sevelar yeal in past, a simiral thing is happen to Jelome Bettis. Woman, she make stolee, say he make lape on hel. But we is too smalt foll hel.

It no take numbell one smaltest leceivel to see how to solve plobrem. Look at this, it say clazee cowboy woman farr in rove with fake miritaly man onrine. Arr we must do is make second fake solrdiel to sweep cowgilr off feet and she wirr terr him tluth, say stoly about Rongrastname is ugree, ugree rie. Then, viora, youl name is crean again.

Ben Roethlisberger: CAN WE CALL FAKE SOLIDER CAPTAIN BEN?

Hines: I am think I wirr be handring this.

Ben Roethlisberger: OH, OH – CORPORAL BEN? THAT IS MY RANK IN CALL OF DUTY! ALL MAKES SENSE!

I’ve always been amazed by humanity’s ravenous sexual appetite and the way it creates different twists on the good ol’ penis-in-the-vagina trick that’s always worked for me.  But one little peccadillo like toe-sucking or anal sex is never enough.  Oh no, we have to combine fetishes.

- “You know, bondage and sado-masochism isn’t really doing it for me any more — can I get this in interracial?”
- “This pregnant sex would be so much better if she were a redhead.”
- “Why do they have to be human corpses?  Can I get some bestiality in my necrophilia?”

However, I find no combination as simple and satisfying as the Asian nurse.  She’s sweet!  She’s submissive!  She’s sexy!  She’s here to swab my urethra!

Below: many more pictures of Asian women in the medical industry their parents pressured them to join.

(with thanks to Cleavage Lover for the inspiration)

FINALLY THERE IS COMIC WHO SPEAK MY LANGUAGE

THE LANGUAGE OF FROZEN CHOCOLATE SPANISH DELIGHT

IF YOU WERE A PLAYABLE CHARACTER IN CALL OF DUTY, I WOULD PLAY AS YOUR PLAYABLE CHARACTER

I STAND AND CLAP FOR YOU LIKE I DID FOR THE BRON-BRON

[Sticks fingers in mouth the try to whistle]

PFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT

SINCE YOU ALREADY HAVE JERSEY, WE MAKE ROOM ON ROSTER FOR SIDELINE EMERGENCY QB/CHOCO TACO FUNNYMAN

MAYBE YOU USE EXTRA LARGE HAIRCUT TO HELP BLOCK KICKS

WHEN DONE BLOCKING KICKS, BACK TO CHOCO TACO JOKES

WE HAVE FRONT OFFICE PEOPLE WORK OUT THE TERMS

CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP

Hines Ward: Rongrastname, why you standing and crapping at terevision?

Roethlisberger: [processes]

[processes]

[processes]

CRAPPING?

Hines Ward: Yes, you was just stand and crap.

Roethlisberger: [Processes]

[Processes]

HARF HARF HARF YOU IS ALL THE FUNNYMAN I NEED HINES

Hines Ward: Yes. Have smirre extend flom one cheek to two cheek. Supel smirre, I am do. Am velee preased to have contlact extension in prace foll make celtain am with Steerel untir come of retlement time. Now can concentlate furry on continue winning Supel Bowr.

Happy to finish caleel as numbell one smaltest leceivel, numbell one leason NFR change lures to make reague pussy reague and, rast but no reast, numbell one Asian prayer arr-time, no question, peliod point because no can name bettel Asian prayer. No even tly.

[Draft podium flies open]

Press horde: Oh hey, look at this guy! Mixed, half Asian defensive back. Dad left China on a boat!

Hines Ward: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Me no cale if he a defensive boat. His dad go wlong countly! He tly go Amelica, get sterrpid dilection from Japanese asswhore and end up in Santonio vacation spot! WHO AM CALING ABOUT THIS!? NO PELSON IS CALING!

Press horde: Chinese AND Jamaican! Two vaguely disparate foreign ethnicities. Born outside the country! Playing in Boston, no less. It’s intriguing for a multitude of reasons. We can really play this up!

Hines Ward: HERRO! Me was boln in Seour. CAPITAL OF KOLEA! That rike fifteen Kingston, prus dericious kimchi. And if he flom Jamaica, he is obviousree razy. Smoke helb arr day. If not foll me, Santonio be the same. Need smalt leceivel to guide him. This guy have razy leceivel rike Landy Moss. HE GET MOLE RAZY!

Now risten. Rook light hele – this guy is lookie. TOTEREE UNPLOVEN! He could be bigg-ah bust! You is onree explroit laciar anger. THAT AZNPROITATION! LACIST!

Press horde: And you know if Belichick was looking at him, he must be quality the rest of the league was foolish to let slip. He could be the next Tebucky Jones! Another Patriots draft day gem!

Hines Ward: Algh. No smirre. I find a-this velee agglvating to me. Daichi, I need distlaction to give time dear with this uh plobrem. Give them the beatbox, supell fantaic good.

China Jack weighs in on the Steelers climbing to the mountaintop of championship teams. Y’know, sometime I feel the slight pull of compunction when doing Hines Wald speak, but then I listen to this the guy say NF-ERRRR and it all vanishes. Thanks Smokin’ China Jack!

[Douchebag Abroad]

You am see this, sterrpid frippant Japanese asswhore?! This numbell one smaltest leceivel aftell he win second Supell Bowr. Intellviewman am asking him question, but he is so ovelcome with emotion. He impressed with enolmity of moment. Not rike you, frippant Japanese asswhore.

I watch Oscall rast night. Arleady upset that Ordboy not get nomination. So what movie come out in 2003? Ordboy supellfantastic movie. It should be nominated evelly yeal. Rook, he wierd hammel. He clush youl skurr!

Not a singer Kolean movie leplesenting rast night. Make me so sick, I inject mole prasma to fear bettel. Splinker prasma on kimchi. Implove taste 100 pelcent!

We get to Best Sholt Animated Movie, a favolite of Hines, because tarr animated movie suck rike tarr leceivel. They no smalt. But then Japanese asswhore win this one. For movie he make about the Flench! Way to suck up to the loundeyes, Japanese asswhore.

THEN HE DO THIS AT PODIUM AND BLING GLEAT SHAME!

Pray up Asian steleotype? THAT’S LACIST! “Sank you”? What is this? Speak rike plopel pelson. Make arr Asian rook bad. And you quote Styx song!? Why associate with loundeye song? This only affilm hatled of Nippon japs! Filst Koleans as comfolt women in Wolrd Wall II, now this? UNFOLGIVABERRR!

Well, here’s a familiar photo. It was just 10 months ago that I was fired from The Washington Post for posting this here picture and boasting of being drunk while watching Super Bowl XL in a bar in my free time. But, hey, now I get to write about football-related dick jokes from home as a job now.

Will Leitch has already detailed how he dreamt at age 11 of Matt Leinart or some other left-handed QB winning the Cardinals a Super Bowl. Can’t say I’ve always had the same visions for my team this year, but I’d like to think the football gods smiled upon me for my blog martyrdom BECAUSE IT’S ALL ABOUT ME ME ME though probably not. I, unlike Leitch, can’t claim to have seen this Super Bowl coming for Pittsburgh, what with an impossible-looking schedule, Bruce Arians and a sieve of an offensive line. Yet here we are.

This summer I was told by Daulerio that I’d become Deadspin’s roving correspondent, which would include covering the Super Bowl for them. In the time since, Gawker had been cutting budget for months, so it seemed less and less likely that I would be going to Tampa. The definitive news came down from Daulerio at the beginning of January, so it was then that I figured the Steelers pretty much had to go. Just to fuck me over.

The rest of the Gay Mafia will get you through the big day. I, meanwhile, will be at the same place I was when watching Super Bowl XL. Whether the parrot shows for more pics I can’t be sure. Either way, I’ll be back this evening to mock the Steelers haters until my typing fingers are sore if the team wins or subject myself to your unstinting collective ridicule if they lose. Should be fun.