I know it’s the Bears and the Packers and therefore it’s sepia-toned gritball voiced by John Facenda, but goddamn do all of their fans brag about nothing else but their tolerance of cold weather? We get it, you’ve acclimated yourselves admirably to harsh weather conditions. Just shut the fuck up about it already.

Seriously? You brought a wall thermometer to the fucking game? That must have been a funny stroll through security. “No, no, I only have it so I can point it at the camera like a douche. Oh, and if it drops below six degrees, I explode into cancerous spores, so I gotta keep an eye on that.”

Good team, bad team, whatever. We don’t give a shit about football. We’re only a 60,000-plus member chapter of the Polar Bears, boisterously shaming the rest of the nation for not being dumbfucks out in the cold like us.

If it isn’t Tommy from Quinzee’s Windy City cousin, Eddie from [Chicago-area locality where douches breed, fill me in, I don't know]

More shirtless cockwallets! More! This time carrying Sprite bottles no doubt filled with laced soda.

Wasn’t this guy punching chicks in Wicker Man?

Move over, John Wayne Gacy. Chicago’s got a new ultracreepy serial killer on the prowl. Holy hell, this fucker probably had an infant’s corpse concealed inside that bear costume.

See, that’s more like it. This guy’s no danger to anyone but himself. That and the person he probably keeled over onto in the 4th quarter, but only after exposing them to his basso profundo rendition of Bear Down, Chicago Bears.

Bears. Packers. These teams have met a few times. Perhaps Bobby Wade can spare you the three hours by letting you know what will happen.

Tony: Hey, Mike. MIKE! Tampa Bay has to be pretty miffed coming out here tonight, seeing as how the Panthers beat them by 24 points the last time out. Not twenty-two points. Not twenty-three points. TWENTY FOUR POINTS! That is a rout. A ROUT. It is a rout. It IS a rout. THAT is what we call a rout. I mean that’s just a rout, IS IT NOT?! If you are a member of this Tampa Bay team, ARE YOU NOT CHAMPING AT THE BIT TO GET REVENGE?!

Mike: Tampa Bay won that first game 27-3, Tony. Not Carolina.

Tony: Did I say Carolina won that game? Did I? Did I really? Did I say Carolina won? WAS THAT NOT AN ENORMOUS GAFFE ON MY PART?!

Mike: (sighs) Yes. 3rd and 6 for Tampa here, needing to get to the 42 for a first down…

Tony: Hey, Mike. Mike! How about this Jon Gruden? Huh? DOES HE NOT LIKE QUARTERBACKS?! I mean, he wins a Super Bowl with Brad Johnson, and since then he brings in Chris Simms. He brings in Brian Griese. He brings in Jeff Garcia. He even tries to bring in Jake Plummer. I know everyone has pointed this out already, but I WOULD LIKE TO POINT IT OUT AGAIN BECAUSE I THINK THERE’S A REAL STORY THERE. I would say Jon Gruden likes his quarterbacks, WOULD THAT NOT BE A CORRECT ASSUMPTION THERE?!

Mike: (clenches fist) Yes, Tony. Now please…

Tony: Boy, that Gruden sure is intense. Do they still call him Chucky in Tampa? I MEAN, IS THAT NOT JUST A PERFECT NICKNAME FOR HIM?! Does he not resemble a psychopathic doll in every conceivable manner?! Do you think that Carolina fan dressed as Freddy Kreuger to sort of counter-balance this whole horror movie milieu? IS THERE NOT A THIRD QUARTER SOLILOQUY I CANNOT MAKE FROM SUCH ABSURDITY?!

Mike: (takes swig of vodka) Shut up.

Tony: Wait a second, Mike. Were you aware that Deangelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart have combined for 301 rushing yards tonight?! WERE YOU AWARE OF THIS STATISTIC THAT THE PRODUCER JUST FED TO ME SO THAT I COULD BRING IT UP OVER THE AIR AND HAVE SOMETHING RELEVANT TO TALK ABOUT?! I mean, 301 yards! Are you not STUNNED by that figure? Would you ever have guessed, IN A MILLION YEARS, that they would have come in here tonight and run for 301 yards! Not even 300 yards! THREE OH ONE!

Mike: (squeezes stress ball) Shut up.

Tony: I mean, that is a YUGE figure, IS IT NOT?! That’s the kind of rushing number you expect Oklahoma to put up! That’s the kind of rushing number you expect Air Force to put up! That’s the kind of number that makes you think of the bygone days of Knute Rockne, DOES IT NOT?!

Mike: (snaps pencil) Please shut up.

Tony: And how about that Jake Delhomme? He’s playing out there right now having had TOMMY JOHN SURGERY. Is that not AMAZING?! I mean, he goes and sees the doctor. And the doctor says NOT ONLY does he need surgery. But he needs TOMMY JOHN SURGERY. The kind of surgery they do on PITCHERS! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF TOMMY JOHN SURGERY BEING DONE ON A QUARTERBACK?!

Mike: (grabs gun) Please shut the fuck up.

Tony: I mean, he is TOUGH! IS HE NOT? I mean, IS THAT NOT THE VERY DEFINITION OF TOUGHNESS? Does that kind of toughness not remind you of Brett Favre’s toughness?!

Mike: (points gun at Tony) SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

Tony: Mike, Mike! Forget about the game. HAVE YOU SEEN THE PROMOS FOR IDOL?! When you look back, are you not ASTONISHED that David Cook came from such humble beginnings to become such an enormous star?! Do you think he has realized the very enormity of that moment?! OR IS THAT JUST UTTERLY BEYOND HIS AND OUR COMPREHENSION?!

Mike: (fires) DIE! DIE! DIE!!!!!!

Tony: Oh my God, Mike! You SHOT me! I’m shot. I’m shot! I am SHOT. I HAVE BEEN SHOT! I mean, there is a BULLET lodged in my body! Would you ever have guessed, IN A MILLION YEARS, that I would be shot during a live TV broadcast? IS THAT NOT AN AMAZING TWIST?!

Mike: (turns gun on self, fires) GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Don’t forget the KSK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House. Click here to donate.

Look at Favre in that Jets uniform, Mike. Isn’t it surreal to see him in a Jets uniform? I mean, if you’re a Green Bay fan, could you ever have imagined IN A MILLION YEARS, that Favre would end up in a Jets uniform? I mean, is that not just utterly SURREAL to you? That, after all this time as a Packer, he would end up with a team like the Jets? Could you ever have foreseen this IN A MILLION YEARS?!

Oh my God, Philip Rivers just threw a pick-six! Jaws, that has to be devastating, DOES IT NOT?! I mean, is that just not utterly DEVASTATING to this team, when you think of the way they started the season? First, they have Jake Delhomme throw that last second TD pass, then they get the Hochuli non-call, and then THIS? I mean, if you’re a Charger player or coach, are you not TOTALLY AND UTTERLY DEVESTATED by a play like that? Do you think, a thousand years from now, people in San Diego will look at that play and say to each other, “That is where it all started to go wrong”? Doesn’t that have the potential to be THAT kind of play?

Oh, my God! Look at Favre throw that pass! He threw it off his back foot! Is that not classic FAVRE? I mean, I know I say this all the time, but isn’t that the kind of throw only FAVRE can pull off? Look at that, Jaws! HE IS THROWING OFF OF HIS BACK FOOT! LOOK! Can you imagine, in a million years, any other quarterback doing that?! Is that NOT what the Jets brought him here for? I mean, if you’re a Jets fan, are you not ECSTATIC that you now have a quarterback who can make that kind of throw? When you think of all the plays Brett Favre has made over the years, is that not just the CLASSIC example of what he does better than ANYONE?!

Oh, my God! Philip Rivers just threw a TD pass! HOW HUGE WAS THAT! Think about what this team just went through! They start off oh and two. OH AND TWO. Not two and oh. Not one and one. OH AND TWO. And then they start this game right off the bat by getting a pick returned for a touchdown. I mean, you simply COULD NOT start off the season in worse fashion. But now they scored a touchdown! Mike, how HUGE was that? If this Charger team goes on to win a Super Bowl, is this NOT the sort of play they will look to as the play where everything turned around?!

Jaws, hey Jaws, psst Jaws, yo Jaws, you know Rivers kinda threw that ball off his back foot. DID HE NOT?! I know, I know, I know! You’re not going to say it, BUT I AM GOING TO SAY IT. Were there not shades of FAVRE in that throw? Could Rivers be a sort of young FAVRE to these San Diego fans?! If you’re a Charger fan, is that NOT the kind of Favrian throw you want to see your quarterback pull off?

OH MY GOD FAVRE JUST THREW A PICK SIX! Isn’t that a reversal, Mike? I mean, is that not a COMPLETE 180 from what we just saw?! Did you ever think the Chargers would start off the game with a pick six, and would not only have the fortitude to come back, BUT TO GET A PICK SIX OF THEIR OWN?! I mean, is that not the ultimate redemption?! HOW HAPPY ARE YOU RIGHT NOW IF YOU’RE A CHARGER FAN?!

Jaws, about that Favre throw: is that not the sort of deal with the devil you make if you’re the Jets? I mean, IS THAT NOT WHAT YOU SIGN UP FOR WHEN YOU BRING IN A GUY LIKE FAVRE?!

I know, I know. I say it all the time. BUT I JUST HAD TO SAY IT FOUR HUNDRED MORE TIMES!