Very Deep Announcer Voice: Tonight… They were just ordinary people…

Claire: God, I feel so ordinary despite my flawless skin and supple curves. I always felt like I was destined for something more…

Very Deep Announcer Voice: Who discovered they had EXTRAORDINARY powers…

Claire: Holy shit! I can heal! And this season I turn into an even HOTTER future self! Without a douchebag flying emo boyfriend! GO CLAIRE!

Very Deep Announcer Voice: Powers they can only begin to even comprehend…

Peter Petrelli: My God! I can absorb anyone else’s powers! Except for the ability to turn in a credible acting performance!

Very Deep Announcer Voice: And tonight, they discover they are not alone…

Ronnie Brown: Great Scott! I can score five touchdowns in a single game, so long as I’m tethered to everyone’s fantasy bench!

Very Deep Announcer Voice: That there are others out there just like them…

Brian Westbrook: I can get injured just as fantasy owners are beginning to trust me!

Very Deep Announcer Voice: Some who want to use their powers for good…

Hines: Finaree, Ando and I wirr use sold of Takezo Kensei to batter virrins, instead of being stuck in sterrpid feuderr Japanese subprot! If I sclunch up eyes velly tight, I catch pass flum Jeem Mirror!

Very Deep Announcer Voice: And some who want to use their powers for EVIL…

Jerry: Baby, lemme take you for a ride in Double J One! Once I’m airborne, the ol’ Double-J can flood your poon delta in under five minutes flat!

Niki: Don’t you see I’m having an epic inner struggle with the spirit of my dead sister, who lives inside me?

Jerry: Sweetheart, no one gives a shit about your boring little character. NOW TAKE OFF THEM PANTIES AND LET ME GIVE YOU A REAL TASTE OF ARKINSAW SIRLOIN!

Very Deep Announcer Voice: And some who don’t quite grasp the consequences of their actions…

Tommy: I CAN FACKIN’ MAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME AND MY FACKIN’ TOWN!!! MATTY CASSEL HAS BETRAYED US ALL! WE DID NAWT DESERVE TO LOSE TO THOSE MIAMI FAGGOTS! FACK YOU!!!!!

Very Deep Announcer Voice: …And tonight, they will discover an enemy with powers far beyond what they ever could have imagined.

Horn Rimmed Glasses Guy: Who, me? I’m just a paper salesman… a very creepy paper salesman who brings a creepy Haitian dude with him wherever he goes and kinda looks like he wants to nail his smoking hot adopted daughter… Can I interest you in a ream of Canary Lined Legal?

Very Deep Announcer Voice: No, not that guy…

Sylar: I can trick idiot Indian doctors and superfluous Latin Americans characters into thinking I actually have good intentions, despite my clearly shady demeanor.

Very Deep Announcer Voice: Not that guy either. No, this is a villain so evil, so nefarious, so ruthlessly cunning that even their EXTRAORDINARY POWERS are no match for it. He is a man so cunning, he can tell any lie, AND HAVE YOU BELIEVE IT.

Carl Peterson: I believe the fact that we got completely fucking destroyed in our first three games is a sign of just how much potential this young team has.

Sylar: Oh no! If I eat his brain, my own brain will stop functioning!

Carl Peterson: That’s right! MWAHAHAHAHAHA

Parkman: I can’t read his mind! There’s nothing in it but combs and seal blubber oil!

Carl Peterson: MWAHAHAHAHAHA

Molly: I can find anyone on Earth at any time, except for a decent lineman on the St. Louis Rams.

Carl Peterson: You’ll never find me! I’m tucked discreetly inside the decayed asshole of Lamar Hunt’s corpse!

Very Deep Announcer Voice: TONIGHT, they will have to pick sides. They will have to choose between good and evil. Between right and wrong. Between rooting for the Chiefs, or giving up on them altogether. It all begins TONIGHT, and will drag out through numerous subplots that will only serve to distract and annoy you. TONIGHT.

Where the fuck did everybody go?

None of us at KSK are close personal friends with NFL players like the guys over at The Dirty, so we haven’t had the opportunity to speak directly to Javon Walker regarding his rather dubious story.

Until now!

Javon is out of the hospital and we’ve managed to secure the definitive interview.

KSK: Hey Javon, thanks for taking the time to answer some of our lingering questions.

JW: No problem, I just want to clear the air and get back to football.

KSK: So first off, where were you on at 5:30 Monday morning, and exactly what was it you were doing.

JW: See, I wasn’t out at the club like that pirate dude been sayin’, I was in my hotel room at Bellagio. I was sittin’ there doin’ my thing. You know, sippin’ some Earl Grey and goin’ over my new playbook with Squawk Box on in the background. I can’t start my day without a lil’ Becky Quick.

KSK: So what happened next.

JW: Well I hear this knock at my door, and I hear some voice sayin’ they got my room service. Now I know that’s some bullshit, because Consuela brought up my tea and a fresh melon a half hour before.

KSK: Honeydew or cantaloupe?

JW: Oh it’s gotta be honeydew. That’s the money melon.

KSK: Excellent, please continue.

JW: So I figure I’m dealin’ with some jokesters or some such nonsense and I tell ‘em I didn’t order shit. Then a couple minutes later there’s another knock and some guy out in the hall is sayin’ how he’s locked out of his room and he needs to call his girl to come meet up with him, cause she’s got the other key. I get up to take a look out the peephole and see these three shady lookin’ fools outside the door.

KSK: And you opened it?

JW: Not right away. First off I told him to take his ass down to the reception desk to get a new key, or at least call his woman from the lobby phone. But he says they ain’t helpin’ him out down there cause them’s some racist assholes. Well that’s some shit I can understand, so I tell this guy that he can come on in to use the phone, but his boys gotta stay out in the hall ’cause they was strapped.

KSK: But those armed men didn’t stay in the hallway as you insisted?

JW: No, they did not. I mean, what kind of world are we living in where people can just lie like that, flat out. I can’t stand these fuckin’ liars, man.

KSK: Yeah, lying is pretty weak. So what happened after you opened the door?

JW: Those lyin’ fuckers came through and cracked me in the head with one of them guns. Next thing I know I’m on the ground takin’ a beatin’ and I’m just tryin’ to protect my playbook. You know, I’m thinkin’ maybe these guys were sent by the Broncos or some shit.

KSK: So you weren’t involved in any sort of altercation with these men at the club the previous night?

JW: Nah man, we were just enjoying a slam poetry performance when a candle tipped over and started a fire. I happened to be celebrating Tiger’s eagle on 18 with some friends, so I took our champagne and doused the blaze before anyone could get hurt. I was like, a hero and shit.

KSK: Wow, what an incredible story!

JW: Right?

KSK: So getting back to the assault, what happened after you were knocked to the floor?

JW: Well I started swallowing pages of the playbook so that Mike Shanahan and his goons could never get their hands on it.

KSK: And what made you think that these men were sent by your former coach?

JW: I’ll answer your question with another question: Who else could possibly want to harm Javon Walker?

KSK: …

JW: Exactly! So I’m chewin’ up some hot routes and these guys are pawin’ at my wristwatch, but I figured they were after the book, so I resisted. Just then I feel a crack on the back of my head, and everything goes black.

KSK: That’s incredible.

JW: Yup. So I’m layin’ there unconscious and they hoist me up and start walkin’ me out into the hallway.

KSK: Hang on a second. How did you know they were carrying you down the hallway if you were unconscious?

JW: Because when I’m unconscious all my other senses go into, like, overdrive. You know what I’m sayin?

KSK: Not really, but please go on.

JW: So they’re draggin’ my ass into the elevator and down to the main level, but security doesn’t notice, because they got this string tied around my wrist to make it look like I’m wavin’ to all my fans. It was just like that movie.

KSK: Weekend At Bernies?

JW: Exactly! It was like some Weekend At Bernie’s type shit! But the first one, not that gay ass sequel.

KSK: Where did you go from there?

JW: Well they got me out of the building and into the parking garage. I was still unconscious, but my subconscious knew what was up. Then they toss me in the trunk of this Town Car and start driving off. At some point I woke up and thought to myself “Man, I need to get the fuck outta here before they deliver me to Shanahan.” So I pry open the trunk with some MacGyver type shit I found back there. I wasn’t sure if they noticed, so I didn’t even bother waiting for them to stop, I just jumped out of that bitch goin’ about 50 down the boulevard. When I landed I cracked my orbital shit on the curb, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the hospital.

KSK: Holy shit, man!

JW: Right?

KSK: You’re a hero!