Kissing Suzy Kolber » head injuries

Great Moments In Lede Writing History: Alex Marvez

Christmas Ape — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 19:00:03 +0000

Okay, journalism students, let’s try a quick exercise. 34 more NFL players have been placed on injured reserve through 10 weeks this season compared to the same period last year. This has happened in the context of the league and the players union being at a standoff over the idea to expand the regular season to 18 games. I want ledes and I want ‘em punchy. Bring the reader into the story.

FOXSports.com senior NFL writer Alex Marvez! I don’t know what you’re doing in a rudimentary journalism class, but let’s see what you’ve got.

Roger Goodell’s heart is in the right place.

Unfortunately, too many body parts of NFL players aren’t.

Whoa, watch it, folks! Word wizard comin’ through. He’s magically transported me to Elysian Fields of lush imagery where random appendages belonging to Leonard Weaver, DeMeco Ryans and Aaron Kampman are scattered about.

Notice how each sentence is its own self-contained paragraph, so as to draw extra attention to the virtuosic wordsmithery on display. That’s great hack hustle! I will say it’s a shame there are no NFL players with the last name McGreg. I’ll just have to settle for a horrible Kelly Gregg injury instead.

Me Fail Neuropsych? That’s Unpossible!

Unsilent Majority — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 16:00:00 +0000

It’s been announced that St. Louis Rams quarterback Marc Bulger has finally passed his neuropsych evaluation thus allowing him to play this Sunday. The passed test comes just in time, seeing as how venerable (F’real!) backup Gus Frerotte has been ruled out of action. The only other quarterback on the roster is one Brock Berlin, whose career famously peaked at the age of 17.

Thanks to our reputation as idealistic upholders of journalistic integrity KSK was invited to observe Bulger’s most recent examination. So grab yourself a handful of Junior Mints and join us for this unprecedented insider’s look…

Dr. Spaceman: Alright Marc, we’re going to do this evaluation just like last week, only this time I’m sober-ish.

Bulger: Have we met?

Dr. Spaceman: Yes, we met here last week. This session will be more of the same, I’m just going to ask you a series of simple questions and your answers will tell us whether or not you can play on Sunday. Do you understand?

Bulger: Of course coach, I’m ready to go. Put me in the game!

Dr. Spaceman: I’m not your coach Marc, I’m your doctor. Your coaches have asked that I evaluate your brain function to determine your playing status. Do you understand?

Bulger: (nods head) Snausage.

Dr. Spaceman: Sounds like a “yes” to me. They certainly are delicious. So do you remember where you were when you sustained the initial injury?

Bulger: Azerbaijan.

Dr. Spaceman: Close enough. Have you noticed any unexplainable odors since the injury?

Bulger: I smell music.

Dr. Spaceman: Yes, I too am a man of the arts. Any unusual flavors?

Bulger: I taste gravity.

Dr. Spaceman: (pulls a handful of multi-colored pills from his pocket, swallows half of them and presents the other half to Bulger) These should help.

Bulger: (downs all the pills at once) Not bad. Was your hair always that melty?

Dr. Spaceman: Good question…but let’s try to focus on my questions now.

Bulger: Fire away.

Dr. Spaceman: When the coach tells you throw the slant to Torry Holt what will you do?

Bulger: Take the sack.

Dr. Spaceman: You’re good as new!

1-800-StayDownBitch

Unsilent Majority — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 13:48:00 +0000

The Sports Network (which exists) is reporting that the NFL will open a “concussion hotline” for concerned players, doctors, coaches, and that guy that takes fantasy football a bit too seriously.

The NFL has taken a proactive stance on addressing concussions, a condition that has led to several players retiring or being sidelined for substantial amounts of time.

The league announced Tuesday that it would establish a concussion hotline. It’s being formed to report information on a confidential basis about players being forced to practice or play against medical advice.

KSK has recently learned that ~~players~~ confidential informants have come forward on behalf of these woozy injury victims.