Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.
With each passing week, the playoff picture becomes less and less cloudy. It also becomes more apparent that the Pats are really good this season (shit!). That said, with four weeks remaining in the 2010 season, no team has yet clinched a playoff berth and much is still to be determined. To serve the interest of confused readers and indulge our unending desire for quick and lazy jokes, KSK has put together an exhaustive (and exhausting!) list of playoff scenarios for each team still in playoff contention. Actually, that’s not true; we neglected several teams that, while they have yet to be mathematically eliminated, engender zero confidence and have no pressing tasteless jokes about which to tell. Please forgive our oversight.
NFC
The Falcons can clinch the NFC South and home-field advantage throughout the playoffs if:
It wasn’t long ago that the Colts were a seemingly benign alternative to the Patriots winning the AFC. Perhaps it’s because no one cares about Indianapolis or ever will (you think sportswriters complained about the Super Bowls in Jacksonville or Detroit? Wait until 2012), but we wish we had known how breathtakingly obnoxious and entitled these stupid Fat Humps were before championing their team against New England. No one, not even the Massholes, have been more annoying than Colts fans this year, whether it’s being completely humorless about any shots taken at their fanbase or their constantly talking up the record regular season winning streak that no one could possibly care about.
After the earthquake in Haiti earlier this week, you are no longer the devastation darling that endeared you to so many Americans back in 2005. You wooed us with your water damage, and the plight of your people tugged at our heartstrings amid your spurts of cantankerous looting. You were a fun little retarded brother to have around, New Orleans. But now it’s time for you to go. Read the rest of this entry »
Here’s but one of a barrage of horrifically unfunny Brett Favre ads for Starter that, if they haven’t already debuted (I hadn’t seen them before this morning), will soon only tighten the Land Baron’s stranglehold on your television set. Of course, to get Brittfar to whore for you, you have to make the commercial more about goddamn Favre than the product you’re actually selling. Did you know Brett is super awesome in cold weather games? Well, then you didn’t watch the 2007 NFC Championship Game.
It’s just like the Best Buy Sears ads that aired earlier in the season in which he couldn’t make up his mind about buying a TV. HARF HARF ‘CAUSE BRETT WAS INDECISIVE ABOUT RETIREMENT TOO!
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
This man is Cecilius Calvert, or Lord Baltimore, for whom a failed city of destitute crackheads and tacky white trash asswipes is named. He was the first proprietor of the Maryland colony, though he was also supposed to get all of the Eastern Shore too. It was already taken. He blamed the refs.
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
You need a little extra incentive to hate the Eagles? Well then you should probably attend an Eagles game. In an effort to spare you that experience here are a few things that should inspire some ill-will.
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
This was supposed to be the year.
This was supposed to be the year where the Bengals organization finally collapsed in on itself. It was supposed to be the year where things got so bad in Cincinnati that players would leave in exodus and the league removed Mike Brown from his lofty wicker perch overlooking the economic wasteland that is the Queen City.
Instead, that bastard Brown and his penny-pinching ways have been rewarded with a playoff berth, a home game, and validation that being a tightwad piece of shit owner is a suitable way of running an NFL franchise. Such an organization is already teeming with enough revenue to be a guaranteed cash machine. Couple that with the fact that Brown’s Bengals play in a ten-year-old stadium without paying any rent, and it’s a wonder that change doesn’t fly out Brown’s ass every time he cuts a fart. Read the rest of this entry »
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
The conventional wisdom about the Cardinals says that they’re not good enough to hate, that their lack of a passionate fan base makes it too hard to hate them. I reject that pussified stance: Read the rest of this entry »
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