Hey folks, Peter King here with Sports Illustrated here with America’s bravest as they do battle with evil forces abroad. I’m a long way home from the cozy confines of New Jersey, but I’m here to support–

[explosion nearby]

Hey fellas, I’m shooting a remote, can you keep it down over there?

Sir, I’d like a venti Café Au Lait with extra whip and a double shot of expresso…Okay, okay, forget that; make it a tall Cinnamon Dolce Latte with Sugar Free Syrup and…Well where is the Starbucks on this base?…Are you serious? Okay, okay, just give me a Coke Zero, then. I’m not picky.

- And then get this flimmity-flam, General. I go to wipe my ass, and there’s no toilet paper! So I’m screaming like a banshee in the handicapped shitter in Hartfield-Jackson, “Bring me some toilet paper!” And then some janitor came by and stole my bags.

- That’s a great story, Peter.

- Hopefully someone will see this sign and send you boys some supplies. Thank God I’m leaving this place in two hours. No Starbucks, no satellite radio, no ESPN. Won’t it feel great to get out of this dump? When do you get to leave?

- Ten months, if I’m lucky.

- …Oh.

- Peter, thank you for bringing this to our attention. I’m going to get to work on a ten-point plan that will bring designer coffees to our troops. Just don’t ask for a timetable on that.