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We haven’t done a gamebook in ages, so let’s bust one out for last night’s epic Viking BYEFAIL.

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Worried you may have contracted the deadly swine flu that is fast becoming a GLOBAL PANDEMIC THAT WILL MOST CERTAINLY KILL US ALL IN A LANDMARK EVENT THAT HISTORIANS WILL MOST CERTAINLY END UP NAMING “THE PORK DEATH”? Well, it’s important you know the symptoms, symptoms matching those of the recent victims seen above. And here they are.

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Ready to hear the meaningless phrase “best team to never make the playoffs” thrown around for the next five decades, particularly by Bill Simmons? Ah yes, those New England Patriots, excuse me, “Greatriots” fans are outraged at being screwed out of a playoff spot, especially after beating all those tough teams from the West divisions! And, as with anything related to Boston sports, it’s more than an injustice. IT’S THE GREATEST FACKIN’ INJUSTICE OF THEM ALL! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

And now we get the disgusting spectacle of watching two .500 teams fight it out for an undeserved playoff berth in the AFC West. The Patriots should be going to the playoffs, it’s a disgrace that they’re not.
Posted by Richter December 28, 08 07:33 PM

Yes, yes! That’s it! Cry. CRY THOSE BIG FAT TEE-AHS! Bitch like the constant complainers you always are and always have been!

NFL is a crock….letting teams in with a 500 record, really makes the playoffs more exciting, right?
Posted by Don December 28, 08 07:39 PM

Oh, God! Yes! More! I love it when you try and make it sound like everyone else finds your team endlessly compelling. How about a conspiracy theory?

If Wes Welker can get fined for making Snow Angels, why shouldn’t Brett Favre get find for throwing the most blatant interception in the history of the NFL, even if he does lead the league in all-time interceptions?????
Posted by Rich P December 28, 08 07:42 PM

That’ll do! Yes, Favre threw that pick specifically so you wouldn’t make the playoffs! And can we blame a black person for the whole thing now?

Nice job GAFFEney dropping the TD angainst the Colts. It cost us the season
Posted by Angrypatsfan December 28, 08 08:01 PM

STUPID DAHKIE! WELKAHHH WOULD HAVE CAUGHT THAT BALL!

This hate-on in my pants could very well burst my jean seams, I tell you. And how about using this occasion to completely dismiss Tom Brady?

The NFL is building a mediocre sport by letting teams with worse records go to the playoffs over real contenders. Does the NFL really think those playoff games with horrible teams will be exciting? *yawn*

Great season, PATRIOTS! Congrats for making it exciting to watch. And to Matt Cassel for giving us hope. I wish you the best ~ Brady can sit out and get married in Costa Rica next season, for all I care. I’d prefer to see Cassel lead a healthy team and return us to the playoffs! Happy New Year!
Posted by product19 December 28, 08 08:01 PM

I agree with you, GREATRIOT fans. WHAT HAS TOM BRADY DONE FOR YOU LATELY? I love it when you pretend to be the most loyal and intelligent fans in the nation, when the truth is you’re just a bunch of whiny, fair-weather fucksticks who think the goddamn Heavens revolve around you, and who overreact at any goddamn thing that happens.

But surely, some of the GREAT fans of CELTIC NATION appreciate the incredibly good fortune they’ve had over the past few years, and are ready to keep everything in perspective when it comes to this whole Tom Brady business, yes?…

TRADE BRADY!
Posted by Mark December 28, 08 03:24 PM

I would sign Cassel long-term; trade Brady for future needs …. let Tom and Gisele get on with their lives. Brady will never return to what he once was … yet he will never be forgotten in NE !! I wish him well …. his name is GOLD in New England Sports History !!
Posted by Tommy D December 28, 08 07:44 PM

It’s true, Tom! You will never be forgotten in Boston fan’s hearts. Except for right now.

For one last excerpt good dose of haterade, we turn to the always reliable Barstool Sports for enlightenment:

Honestly there needs to be an asterix next to this year’s Superbowl Champion because they didn’t go through us and we’re as good and as hot as anybody in the league right now. And 11-5 should get you in the playoffs every single year. That’s how the founding fathers intended it to be. It’s just not fair that the Cardinals, Eagles and either Broncos or Chargers will be in the post season and we won’t. The league has to take a hard look at this and figure out a solution to rectify this problem. And I’m not talking about for the future either. I’m talking about right fucking now! I don’t know whether that means declaring us the winner of the AFC East or creating a new playoff spot or what? But rules are made by human beings and human beings can break them when they spot an injustice and this is a friggin injustice. Seriously if the NFL wants this post season to be taken seriously then Goodell has to figure something out. If not this will just be like when the US boycotted the 1980 Olympics games. It will tarnish the entire competition because everybody knows they didn’t beat the best of the best. Is that what the country wants?

Yes, I believe so.

And you know why? BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT’S WHY. FUCK YOU AND YOUR GODDAMN MELODRAMATIC BULLSHIT. FUCK YOU FOR THINKING YOUR LOVE FOR YOUR TEAM IS SOMEHOW BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE’S. IT ISN’T. FUCK YOUR TOWN, FUCK YOUR HISTORY, AND FUCK YOUR MOTHERS. YOU AREN’T SPECIAL. YOU’RE JUST AS FUCKING STUPID AND IDIOTIC AS THE NEXT GROUP OF FANS AND DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING FORGET IT.

DIE.

I played in five fantasy football leagues this year; I didn’t make the playoffs in any of them. I bought the magazines and everything, did the research, had discussions about certain players with my friends. And now, All my minutes of waiver wire shopping and proposing shitty trades to Rob Iracane seem to have gone for naught, and so now I’m out $200 and wondering why I didn’t just roll those fantasy mags into a bonfire and throw myself on top of it.

Some people think fantasy sports are just glorified gambling, while others have said that such practices run on websites actually infringe on proprietary information of the NFL. Fuck those people, I say. They’re overlooking the greatest injustice of all: that fantasy football can make somebody like me, a guy who does nothing but watch football, feel like a total football idiot.

Football is, now more than ever, my life. I’ve watched more action in 2008 than I ever watched in the 80s, 90s, or aughts…combined. I write about it, I think about it, I study it. How the fuck could I be so bad at this? Why can’t this just be like sex, where I could just stay drunk the whole time and receive insincere compliments the next morning?

The prime issue might be that I just pour hours of prep into my draft board and then, once that process of picking my cadre of statistical fuckups is over, I take the rest of the fall off. In other words, I run my team exactly the way Mike Brown runs the Bengals. Maybe I should hire a general manager, too.

So now I have to watch everyone else in the leagues I FUCKING RUN AS COMMISSIONER chase that virtual championship, while I sit idly by with my dick in my hand and think of new rules that will fuck everybody over next year. Did you fucks even pay your league fees? I hate this shit.

Oh, but congrats to everyone that made the playoffs in their leagues. I hope you choke on each other’s cocks.

Continuing the Kornheiser theme today, I was driving in to work today listening to his radio show when Michael Wilbon phoned in to chat on the air, as he frequently does. In the span of five minutes, Wilbon said he wasn’t a fan of Jon Stewart or “comic people who are politically edgy”, said Roger Federer “didn’t do it” for him, declared “No Country For Old Men” to be a lazy film (but not before botching its title), and said he hated all the Academy Award nominated films this year.

I’ve vaguely hinted at this before, but I think it’s time to put subtlety aside and bust open the haterade officially.

Michael Wilbon is a fucking HUGE douchebag.

Yeah, I know he’s probably the most well-liked person in the industry. That’s great. Good for him. It must be because all the other journos are in awe of his breathtaking casual arrogance. This guy is the Reggie Nelson of sportswriters. Is there nothing on Earth Wilbon cannot simply dismiss with a wave of his hand? Found “No Country” lazy, did you, Wilbon? Well, then it must be so! I thought I was watching “Meet The Spartans”, it was so half-assed! Charles Barkely hated it too, so he must be right! You know him a little bit, right Wilbon?

But hey, what do I know? I’m just a sports fan. And, as you know, if there’s anything Wilbon hates in this world, it’s the common sports fan. Do you like the NFL Draft? Well, Wilbon thinks you’re a fucking simpleton. Thought Wilbon was a little cold about Sean Taylor’s death? Well then, you’re obviously one of these braindead homers who doesn’t understand the principal tenets of journalism. You’re obviously just some Pollyanna who never likes to see his team criticized. There’s no in-between at all! Are you a blogger? Oh, then you obviously are some horrible, predatory rumormonger. You aren’t fit to play act with heads on sticks like a real reporter!

I used to think it was cute when Wilbon called everyone knuckleheads at PTI’s signoff. Except it isn’t a joke. He really DOES think you are a knucklehead, and that you, Joe Sports Fan, are nothing more a beer-swilling retard who is incapable of making decisions for yourself. I bet you liked “No Country For Old Men,” you lazy fucking sheep. Michael Wilbon can’t express his disdain for you highly enough.

Well, I’ve had enough. Wilbon’s gotten a free pass for too long. You’re going right on the douchebag list, Mikey, right between Simmons and that dude from Maroon 5. Am I surprised you’re a preening asswipe? Not in the least.

Well, Patriot fans, it’s been well over ten days since the Giants upset the Patriots, and I just thought I’d check in on you. How are you feeling? Are you okay? Is everything all right? I know how you Boston folks like to treat every loss as if it’s something that saddens the entire world as a whole. I know how you can’t possibly go on without someone offering you sympathy, as if you yourself were on the field for that loss. Surely that’s the reason for the downward turn in the US economy. Sports fans in Boston are unhappy! Oh, what a tragedy! Everything feels so dark and cold! Quick, someone play a Des’Ree CD to cheer them up!

I’m just kidding, of course. I do not wish you Patriot fans a Happy Valentine’s Day. Unless this is the day your girlfriend decides she’s had it with you and the 500 empty tins of Kodiak you keep leaving around her apartment. I don’t wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day at all. But I will wish you a happy “Eat A Fucking Bowl Of Dick” Day. Or a “Get Run Over By A Fucking Cement Mixer” Day. Or a “Get Your Klan Rally Petition Rejected By The Board Of Commerce” Day. Or a “YOU FUCKING LOST” Day. Or a “Why Don’t You Take A Job As A Commercial Fisherman And Fucking Drown 500 Miles Off The Coast Of Nova Scotia In A Fierce Nor’Easter?” Day.

I hope you choke on rose stems. You fucking losers.

And, while we’re here, let’s tear that Simmons mailbag apart.

One gigantic disclaimer before we get to the collection of post-Super Bowl e-mails: I would have included more Giants-related e-mails if I had received more coherent ones — 99 percent were of the “Hahhhhhhhhaahahahahaa! You suck!” or “18-1!!!!!” variety.

Yes, because no one from New York is creative at all! Such an unimaginative town! What do they do there, sell insurance? It would have been far preferable if New England had won, and Patriot fans could have taunted the world with more florid taunts, such as, “FACK YOU, YOU FACKIN’ BRAWNX IMMIGRANTS! WHY DON’T YOU GO GET A FACKIN’ GREEN CAAAAAD!” Yes, if you root for a non-Boston team, you are nowhere near as gracious or poetic in winning. Maybe if you had been more fawning of the Patriots in victory, Simmons would have deigned to publish you.

Let’s play a game. How many emails did Shitbox have to comb through to get dogshit like this?

Of course, I have no pity for the Patriots, but I DO feel for their great fans.

I’m guessing 300. But wait! There’s douchier!

I really do feel for Pats fans after that loss — I still think this year’s Pats are easily the best team of the modern salary cap era. If you need proof of that, consider the fact that after Plaxico Burress made what became the game-winning touchdown, the single thought in the head of every Giants fan watching the game was “Oh God, Brady has 35 seconds and three timeouts.” I’m not sure there has ever been a team that has caused more doubt in the minds of the opposing fans than these Patriots.

So true! Great teams don’t even need to close out games! The mere fact that other teams’ fans consider the possibility of them coming back to win is all the reason anyone needs! Why even play the end of the game WHEN FANS MAY HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT THE OUTCOME? Crazy!

Finally…

What are the odds that Asante Samuel’s dropped INT at the end of the game will replace Buckner’s bungle as the worst play in Boston history? That was devastating on a level far surpassing anything I’ve seen in all my years as a Boston sports fan. If he ever wears a Pats jersey again, it’ll be too soon.

Allusion to ’86 Red Sox loss? Check.
Boston fan playing up his emotional devastation to invite your pity? Check.
Throwing longtime, outstanding player under the bus? Check.
Desire in me to choke this person with a hockey stick? Check.

Fuck your Valentine’s Day, Patriot fans. I hope you get the runs.