Knee-jerk MSM commentators jumped all over the salty language used by Rex Ryan in last week’s Hard Knocks premiere, which forced Dislexy Rexy to publicly pretend like he was concerned by how he came off on the show. His mother scolded him, so he had to apologize to her and agree to take her on another Baltic cruise.

Then, of course, gay-bashing self-appointed moralizer Tony Dungy piped up on the Dan Patrick Show, saying, “Now, I’ve been around f-bombs, so it’s not like it’s new. I just don’t think that has to be part of your every-minute, every day vocabulary to get your point across. It’s hard for me to be around that and, if I were in charge, no, I wouldn’t hire someone like that.”

Well, first off, you’re not hiring for shit, Dungy, so no one cares. Secondly, of course you object, because you’re the antithesis of Rex Ryan, a quiet, emotionless, boring little martinet. And that’s fine. You made it work for you. But different coaches have different styles, both tactically and stylistically. Just because she doesn’t subscribe to your Quiet Strength bullshit doesn’t mean he’s consigned to failure. Rex has had success doing what he’s doing and the fact that players were e-mailing Adam Schefter saying they wish they could play for him means he’s probably not alienating too many while doing it.

Rex’s similarly profane daddy came to his defense. Rex responded to the media by saying Dungy unfairly judged him, right before extending an invite to Jets camp. While that may provide Drew with good fodder for a post, I’ll go ahead and hope that attention-starved Bible-thumper keeps the fu*k out and let Rex go about his mission while doing his thing.

The premiere of the Jets season of Hard Knocks went about as well as could be reasonably expected. Granted, the requisite focus on marginal players, even if one of them was named John Conner, did slow things down a little, but you never know when one of those storylines will produce gold. Otherwise, it was a non-stop cavalcade of life imitating crude, foul-mouthed KSK art, as Rex was pure KSK Rex. In fact, they might be indistinguishable at this point.

There were more than a few to cull from, but here were the five best moments for us:

5.

Kudos to NFL Films and HBO to get Rex talking shit in the first minute of the broadcast. Leave no doubt whatsoever what we’re getting.

4.

The last thing we want to resort to is using trite Jersey Shore jokes when talking about the Jets, but with the presence of one coach’s spray-on tanner and the fact that both Joe Namath and Woody Johnson were poppin’ collars, well, I’ll just stop before I stray into Eric Stangel territory. Nice old man waist, Patron Saint.

3.

LaToeInjury got a ton of screen time in this episode and some of it was actually favorable. He caught a 70ish yard touchdown pass in practice, by far the high water mark of his season. Also, he got a little poop material from Coach Rex. TIME TO START SHITTING BIKES, SON!

2.

“Does it matter that Revis isn’t here? Goddamn, he’s pretty f*cking good.” So was this speech.

1.

Bart Scott called Mark Sanchez “Nacho”. Further confirmation that KSK doesn’t so much satire NFL players as create their personalities for them. Sure, it’s possible that it was just a coincidence, since Scott has a history of race-based taunts (see: “Soy Sauce” for Hines Ward). Whatever. We saw Rex trolling the ESPN comment boards. HBO and the NFL just wouldn’t let you show KSK. We don’t believe in coincidences. WE BELIEVE IN F*CKING WINS!

Join us, won’t you, for another session of frantic chat commenting while a program plays out on your television screen. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

And so begins a new season of Hard Knocks, in which HBO follows the training camp exploits of the pussytubing, self-proclaimed future Super Bowl champion Jets. So many questions to resolve. How has Mark Sanchez’s poise held up over a long offseason? Will the team agree to trade holdout Darrelle Revis to True Blood to acquire its time slot? Can Santonio Holmes’ wake n’ bake sessions make for compelling television? What’s gets captured by cameras first: Jason Taylor dancing or LaDainian on the stationary bike?

All this and hopefully much more profanity.

“NACHO, YOUR NEW NICKNAME IS ‘THE PACIFIC’ Because you’re now on HBO and you love Pacific shrimp tacos! And by that, I mean short Polynesian snatch.”

Yes, the Jets will be featured on this year’s edition of the HBO training camp series “Hard Knocks” making it the most KSK-friendly choice since the Cowboys and Bengals the last two years. So many subplots: Will Tomlinson struggle to find a new stationary bike that agrees with him? Will Darrelle Revis bring his island? Can Rex convince the HBO producers to do a five-minute montage of his shits?

Hoo boy. It’s the semifinals of most fantasy playoffs, but I have a feeling the biggest topic of discussion today is going to be the various fluids produced by the female body. Try to guess which ones come up!

Who guessed period blood? Anyone? Well you’re wrong! There is NO period blood in this mailbag. Read on to find out which ones made the cut.

Read the rest of this entry »

That headline is only to ensure that when the Bengals defensive tackle starts in on his next bout of Google self-examination, he drops by our little site. Hi Tank! No weapons here! Carson Palmer’s high ankle sprain suffered against the Saints will no doubt figure heavily in this episode, paving the way for some displays of vainglory by our favorite pugilating quartered back (because that’s how he talks, you’ll see) and no doubt a lot of focus on Ocho’s successful extra point attempt and hopefully even more on his tense exchanges with Bill Belichick.

Yes, it’s time again for another Spongetech-powered live blog of the Cincinnati Bengals-highlighted season of Hard Knocks. Already down the irreplaceable Reggie Kelly and the guy with the reverse raccoon face, how will Marvin Lewis get his team focused for the start of the season? Strategic airhorn playing? More apples in the vending machine? Random quotes from Jordan Palmer? ONLY TIME WILL TELL!

We’re taking a break from watching Punte wage a pitched Twitter war with Chad Ocho Cinco so that we can live blog the first episode of the new season of HBO’s Hard Knocks, which is following the Cincinnati Bengals on the beginning of their epic quest to maybe five wins. Be sure to follow along with us, premium cable subscribers (I only have HBO and Sunday Ticket because I can write them off as a business expense, suckerzzzz). Last year offered us Peter King scarfing popcorn with Jerry Jones. What wonders await in this year’s edition? How quickly can Chris Henry and Ocho reduce Laveranues Coles to tears in a receivers meeting? How irate will Bengals fans be when they realize HBO spends more money on this show than Mike Brown does on his team? Can Rey Maualuga pick up where Odell Thurman left off? On a barely tangential Bengals note, of their surely masochistic fans, Chris Littmann, has decided to bring me on as a regular contributor to The Sporting Blog beginning Aug. 24, so be sure to drop by there in two weeks to supplement your daily intake of Ape.*

*I promise to be less obviously homoerotic by then

- Opening sequence: close-up on Tony Romo. WHERE’S JESSICA????? SHOW US JESSICA!!!!!

- The first “character” we get is tight end Jason Witten. He doesn’t like changing diapers. They show his wife. Quick! Judge her attractiveness, or the Internet will collapse!

- Romo spent the offseason teaching football in his Wisconsin hometown. Tips included footwork and how to blow a gimme playoff win by fucking up an extra point.

- And just like that, footage of the last two Cowboys playoff losses. Mmmmm, that’s delicious. Hold on, I gotta replay the Jordan Babineaux tackle.

- Jerry Jones addresses the team. There is a disappointing lack of shouting YEEEHAW and TIX-ASS.

- We’re ten minutes into the show, and I’d be bored out of my mind if I weren’t typing non-stop. This is the only show on television that needs commercials.

- Minute 14: Pacman Jones! Pacman’s special skill is catching and holding on to six balls all at once, something he learned while playing with Vince Young, who prefers to do it shirtless.

- Wade Phillips in a dri-fit t-shirt that hugs all the wrong places: there goes any chance of peaceful dreams tonight.

- Wade Phillips in a polo shirt that hugs all the wrong places: I see a theme developing here. For the love of God, someone get that man a XXXL or a muumuu or a king-size bed sheet. Anything that doesn’t cling to the underside of his bitch tits.

- In a not-at-all staged bit of rookie hazing, DeMarcus Ware pretends to show top draft pick Felix Jones the ropes, positioning him below Pacman’s window. Pacman dumps a trash can full of semen and dollar bills on Jones. Well, not really. It was water. But I like my version better.

- Lordy mercy! There was an earthquake at the ‘Boys training camp! It leads Jason Garrett to tell a joke. How do I know? Garrett: “That was a joke. Kidding.”

- T.O. wears sunglasses during his “confessional” interview, held indoors. Of course. He also unveils a line of t-shirts with such slogans as “iLove,” “iScore,” “iPractice,” “iBlock,” and so on. They’re a big hit with his teammates, who purchase them for one cock-sucking apiece.

- Highlight of the show so far: the rookies have to sing into “microphones” made of bananas with two plums attached at the base. It looks like genitalia!!!! ROFLOLZ!

- After a bad day at practice, rookie RB Keon Lattimore calls his big brother for support. SHOCKING TWIST: his big brother is Ray Lewis. Ray-Ray offers some tough love, tells Keon to “stay on your Bible, stay on your prayers,” and “by all means, lawyer up if you help your friends murder two people.”

- Day 9 of camp: Tony Romo arrives at practice to adoring fans. WHERE’S JESSICA???? SHOW US JESSICA!!!!

- Wade Phillips to the team: “You know, I don’t have a lot of rules, but at [Secondary] Coach [Dave] Campo’s request, I’m making a rule that you can’t pull down coaches’ pants any more.” Drew’s incorporating that into a Wade and Jerry post as we speak.

- The Cowboys have a strict no-hitting policy to keep players fresh for the regular season. Roy Williams does everything he can to ignore it. Kind of like the horse collar rule, or playing adequate pass coverage.

- Holy shit, say what you will about Jason Garrett being a Princeton nancy boy, his brother John — the tight ends coach — has a haircut straight out of The Great Gatsby. How does one maintain such a fine wave in one’s imperial Aryan hair, Master Garrett?

- The only two Cowboys on the roster with Super Bowl rings are Brad Johnson, who was so good he backed up Trent Dilfer in Tampa Bay [Edit: commenter goto11 notes that this is incorrect. We don't particularly regret the error], and a young receiver named Todd Lowber, who was on the Giants’ practice squad last year. Really? They give rings to the practice squad guys? Aw, that’s sweet.

Final verdict: not exactly compelling television, but an interesting look at training camp. Sure as shit better than a preseason game. Perhaps a decent Wednesday night foil to Project Runway. If Suede (this fuckface) doesn’t stop speaking in the third person, I’m going to personally head over to Fashion Avenue to cut his abdomen to ribbons and hang him with his own intestines.