What is this, like a kiddie birthday party? With cake and punch and all that shit? That’s cute. You guys gonna play Pin The Tail On Donkey? Sounds like fun.

Your party is fucking gay.

When I had my birthday, we rented out a warehouse in downtown Chicago. Then we filled it knee high with baby oil and flew in nothing but Penthouse Pets. Did I shoot frozen ropes of Rexjelly all night long? I did indeed. I taught all of those girls and that zebra what a good, hard boning is. I like to fuck. It feels good. We had a raw bar and Queens of The Stone Age played. I don’t see any of that here. It’s not even a real party. You’re just fucking nerds online. I bet your “party” consisted of you heading to the shitter to jerk off. Sounds like a blast. Are you wearing tuxes to work today?

Faggots.

Someone go deep. I wanna give my armcock a workout.

In just one short year we’ve become quite popular within the world of sports. On this, the anniversary of our birth, we are honored to share with you the love we’ve received from our most famous friends.

Thanks PK!

Birthday parties were created in the early 1800′s as part of a pagan ritual. Today they have become overly excessive excuses to indulge children with materialistic baubles. Why, TMQ asks, do we not celebrate the person instead of the gifts? KSK, you were brought on this earth by your Lord and Maker, and it is best not to lose sight of that.

And, if you were wondering who the Lord and Maker is, it’s yours truly. I’m so fucking smart I can create matter simply by concentrating.

KSK Errs Near As Often As The August NYT: Often days like this are referred to as “Bukkake Days”, assuming the word bukkake means any sort of group activity. But it does not. Bukkake strictly means group ejaculation on someone buried neck-up in sand. It’s a very narrow definition. TMQ does not like straying outside of boundaries. It is unhealthy. We must follow them or risk being forever a lost generation.

Why O Why Are You Swearing?: TMQ has noticed an incredible amount of profanity on this website. TMQ appreciates that comedy is hard, largely because TMQ wouldn’t know funny from a raccoon’s asshole. But swearing is the lazy man’s way of getting a cheap, easy laugh. Surely, the comedy stylings of Bill Engvall have taught us swearing needn’t be necessary?

I’m Not a Creepy Old Man Because I’m Christian And A Deep Thinker: Today’s cheerbabes are Nikki, Jenny, and Charlotte. Because I only masturbate to partially clothed women instead of fully nude women, I can retain my moral superiority over all of you.

Happy Birthday, KSK. If you stay out past midnight, you’re contributing to the decay of society. There’s no need to assist the Jews in our eventual downfall.

In just one short year we’ve become quite popular within the world of sports. On this, the anniversary of our birth, we are honored to share with you the love we’ve received from our most famous friends.

Thanks, Tom!

In just one short year we’ve become quite popular within the world of sports. On this, the anniversary of our birth, we are honored to share with you the love we’ve received from our most famous friends.

Thanks Gene!

Unless you’re reading this post in the archives, you can see that we’ve ditched the Splinter Cell facade for the day and put on a little bling. It’s conservative, sure, and a nod to a tradition and a history that we’re doing our best to destroy, but we think it’ll do the job of sprucing up our veritable Dick Joke Stadium for tomorrow’s fuckworthy festivities.

As for your Sexy Sextet, we’re ready to go. Drew and Flubby got babysitters. Ape locked Jean Grey in the bathroom. Even Ufford is limiting his interaction with women to text messaging and sensual glances. Tomorrow, we are bringing the fucking construda, bitches.

And we’re bringing it all day, so be ready.

The year was 2006. June, if I remember correctly. America was still reeling from the death of Aaron Spelling, and a nation of sports fans grudgingly accepted or loudly brayed against the World Cup. No matter what you did, somebody would claim that you fouled Dwyane Wade. It was a dark time.

Things were pretty shitty in my life, too. I had just bought this laptop with a no-longer-necessary engagement ring fund, and its very first use was to blog about some silly New York escapades that a handful of people from Deadspin enjoyed reading. This was back when your commenting name on Deadspin linked directly to a site, and not your most recent comments. We didn’t even have avatars back then. We had to get by by making funny comments. Hard to imagine that’s ever how it was, but it’s true.

Eventually, the silly New York escapades came to an end, and I said, “Whither to now?” And lo, a guy named Drew who blogged about parenthood said, “Why don’t we start an NFL humor blog? I haven’t seen any good ones.” And I said, “Okay.” So we poached some other fellows from the Deadspin comments and started an NFL humor blog (We have still haven’t seen any good ones).

We did, however, come up with the best name of any blog ever, and — NOTE: gayness ahead — this little website of dick jokes, animal snuff films, laziness, and NFL fandom has, honestly, changed my life. Simply because I spent a couple evenings sitting at home writing about the NFL, I got to quit my mind-numbing temp job to write a sports blog full-time. Now I work from home. Interaction with co-workers has been replaced by KSK email threads, which will eventually be seen as equal to the letters between Thurber and E.B. White. I often start drinking beer before I’m done with work. I make enough money to eat and pay rent, which is a nice change. And most importantly, I masturbate whenever I feel like it.

Anyway, if my sentiment is borderline maudlin, it’s because our very first post was one year ago tomorrow. Yes, KSK’s birthday is June 28th, and we’re gonna have a big ol’ party. Check in frequently, because we invited lots of people, and we’re expecting some big names. And a lot of the people who couldn’t make it sent us really nice cards, which we’ll also be posting. It’s gonna be a blast.

A bukkake blast.