Durp durp durp! Hey, isn’t that Tom Brady and a beaver playing football with some other white guy? Sorry, I can’t tell who that is; they all look alike to me. Except for Tom Brady, who has managed to grow an entire ten-gallon cowboy hat entirely out of hair. Great work, assbreath. What’s next, are you going to invite kids into your house and have them toss ping-pong balls into buckets from a distance?

Seriously, why don’t you just grow a little pervy mustache and drop a few ads on Craigslist. I don’t know, they could be like “Free Toys” or “I Play Football, Show Me Your Wee-Wee.” YOU’RE the child molester, child molester. You’ll figure something out, even if that something never, ever comes into the vicinity of proper hair care.

JUST GO BUY A GODDAMN WHITE VAN AND RUN A TRAIL OF CANDY INTO THE BACK OF IT, BUT MAKE SURE IT DOESN’T HAVE ANY WINDOWS BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT MOTHERFLIPPING ASS-FRO AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK SO MUCH BALLS TOM BRADY, BUT YOUR STUPID POMPOM LOOKS LIKE YOU CLEANED OUT YOUR DRAINS OVER THE WEEKEND AND DECIDED TO WEAR THE DEBRIS AS A HAT! DIE DIE DIE!

…you know, on second thought, it doesn’t look that bad.

Today, Chiefs fans, I resign with my head held high. For you see, I have just laid down the final piece in a foundation that shall secure this franchise another title sometime within the next sixty to seventy centuries. With my brave and daring decision to add to the club by subtracting myself, the final stage of my intricate rebuilding plan can at last be set into motion. You average Joe fans out there who have no clue about what it takes to run a successful organization may not understand it now. But rest assured I have officially put this franchise on the right track.

Now the club can go out and secure top tier players like Jared Allen, had I not traded Allen away. And they can hire a coach who won’t shit his pants during the last 90 seconds of a half. And they can actually invest some time and effort into addressing the QB position. I, Carl Peterson, have made this so. No, no, no, Chiefs fans. Don’t thank me. The pleasure of giving you the model franchise you see before you today was all my own. For I have planted a great phoenix in this pile of soggy ashes! HUZZAH!