(crypt flies open)

Count Al: HISSSSSS!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha! Zey said I vas mad ven ven I gave Nnamdi Assimvaa forty three meelleeon! But vee shall show zem! Vee shall show zem all zat the Raidahs shall rise vunce more! BLAH! BLAH!

WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Count Al: Easy, VereRob Ryan! Soon, I vill feed you all the cheeldren you vant! BLAH! BLAH! Zey said I vas mad! Zey said Al Davis vasn’t veeth it anymore! But look who is having zee last laugh now! Mummy Art Shell, have you seen vat Coach Keefin has been doing at ze Tennessee?!!!

Mummy Art Shell: Durrrrrrrrrrr…. Bang his wife… durrrrr

Count Al: Yes Yes! She is a fine piece of poosy! I vould vallop zat poosy! BLAH BLAH! But zat is beside ze point! Now that Lane Keefin has gone crazy in ze Tennessee, everyvun now knows Al Davees vas right! Zis Keefin, I nevuh trust him! He vas crazy, I tell you! Crazy! Vith ze gosseeping, and ze shameful boasteeng, and alvays trying to fiah the secretaries! ZIS KEEFIN VAS ZE CRAZY VUN ALL ALONG! VUNCE AGAIN, AL DAVIS IS VEENDEECATED! Soon, vee shall conquer ze world! And night shall fall across ze landscape! I shall command an army of ze dead! No vun shall stop me! I SHALL VIN! BLAH BLAH!

(puerta flies open)

Gay Zorro: (clutches rose between teeth) So, eet has come to pass! All the stories of el vampiro are true! Gay Zorro has been deceived! Count Al, Gay Zorro weel never let you get away weeth thees! He shall drive hees mighty stake through el Corazon!

(whips out penis)

WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Mummy Art Shell: Durrrrrrrrrrr… no homo….

Count Al: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

(takes deep breath)

HA HA HA HA HA HA! BLAH!

Velcome to Oakland, my dear friend! VELCOME! There is no need for such hosteelity, Garceea! Don’t you see? Vee are togezer now! You and I. Vee shall become vun!

Gay Zorro: You underestimate Gay Zorro, Count Al. Gay Zorro cares not for la temptacion. You shall not steal hees integrity! When the banditos in Chiapas tried to bribe Gay Zorro with all the free penes he wanted, Gay Zorro said NO! And when Coach Gruden tried to deestract Gay Zorro with hot blonde quarterback after hot blonde quarterback in Tampa, Gay Zorro never fell upon hees gay blade! And you, Count Al! Gay Zorro shall never become like you! Gay Zorro is here for la gente!

Count Al: And vat have ze people ever done for you, my dear friend? Look at you! You spend your days hideeng behind a mask and cape. Ze people, zey do not love you! Zey DEESPISE YOU! And do you know vye? Because zey do not understand you, my friend. BUT I DO! BLAH BLAH! I too know vat it ees like to be hated by ze people! I too know what it’s like to hide, behind oversized sunglasses and baggy leisure suits! I too know vat it ees like to pronounce your i’s like e’s! You and I, Gay Zorro. VEE AH OUTCASTS! SOCIETY SAYS VEE ARE ZE ENEMY! VEE ARE THE SAME! BLAH! BLAH!

Gay Zorro: We will never be the same, vendejo. Gay Zorro geeves to the people! You take! You are the reason los cholos terrorize the cheeldren! I shall never join you!

Count Al: Not even… for a backup spot?

Gay Zorro: A backup spot?

Count Al: Yes. And after zat, who knows? Zees JaParker Russell, no vun knows eef he’ll be worth a sheet! He’s so very fat, and tender, and juicy, BLAH! You could be starting by VEEK VUN! And zen you could treegger your bonus clause! And make ONE… TWO… THREE! THREE meelleeon dollars! HA HA HA!

(thunder rolls)

Gay Zorro: Starteeng Week One? Well, Gay Zorro has always wanted to be the undisputed jefe of a team…

Count Al: And you shall! Just join us! Join us and football immortality shall be yours! I VILL MAKE YOU ZE NEXT REECH GANNON! ZEES IS VERE QUARTERBACKS GO TO BE RESURRECTED! ALL YOU MUST DO IS DRINK ZE BLOOD OF 100 EENNOCENTS!

Gay Zorro: I don’t know. All Gay Zorro wanted was a chance to play, and to leeve in the Castro deestreect. But how can he trust banditos such as thees?

Count Al: Who else can you trust? HA HA HA HA HA!!!! HISS!!!!!! Come! Let us vork togezer! Vee shall talk around ze blood cooler every morning!

Gay Zorro: Thees could be the most unusual partnersheep of Gay Zorro’s vida. But Gay Zorro has never been afraid to flirt with danger, or weeth Maurice Morris. Very well, Count Al. Gay Zorro accepts your invitacion. We shall form an uneasy truce een the name of weening! We shake penes now.

Count Al: I DON’T VANT TO DO THAT! QVEER! BLAH!

WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Luke: Thanks for taking a chance on me, Coach Morris.

Raheem: My pleasure, Luke. Now, I can’t guarantee you a starting spot right away. But I do promise an open competition.

Luke: That’s all I ever wanted, Coach. I just want a fair shot. If I fall on my face, so be it. But I promise you, you will get my absolute best.

Raheem: Well, lemme show you the weight room.

Hovan: (squatting one rep of 500 with knee wraps on) GAHHH WHAT A RUSH!!! I’M SO FUCKING PSYCHED FOR THE SEASON… RAAHHH!!! BREAKDOWN! BREAKDOWN! BREAKDOWN! HYUNH!

ALL PRO THIS YEAR! ALL PRO THIS YEAR! FUCK YES!

Luke: Holy shit, is he always like that?

Raheem: Pretty much. You’ll learn to ignore him like the rest of us have. Anyway Luke, before we get started, I do want to talk to you about one thing.

Luke: What’s that?

Raheem: Well, it’s about your competition…

(puerta flies open)

Gay Zorro: So eet begeens, el Negro! Gay Zorro always thought you were on hees side. Now he knows that you are thee most treacherous jefe of all!

(marks GZ on wall with jelly-filled dildo)

Raheem: Jeff, we’ve spoken about this many times.

Gay Zorro: After all Gay Zorro has done for los hijos de Tampa, thees ees how you repay him? By taking sides weeth a gringo? Have you learned notheeng from el rebellion? We cannot trust thee gringos, el Negro!

Raheem: Jeff, I understand you’re upset. Now, I’m sorry about this situation. But we aren’t here to hold you hostage. In fact, we’re happy to call any number of teams to recommend you for signing. You can even use our facilities for as long as you need…

Gay Zorro: SILENCIO!

(turns on fog machine, “Xanadu” soundtrack)

Luke: Coach, I can’t see.

Gay Zorro: Tell me, gringo. Do you know what eet ees like to fight against your own government?

Luke: What?

Gay Zorro: Have you ever cradled the little head of a hijo as he lay dying een your arms after la policia have burned your villages and raped your women?

Luke: Uh…

Gay Zorro: Have you ever had to stand up for what you believe een, gringo? Have you ever had to march een the street dressed een your best mermaid costume? HAVE YOU?

Luke: No.

Gay Zorro: Have you ever truly had to leed la gente eento the fire? Well, Gay Zorro has! Gay Zorro has walked eento el fuego! And he has always stood up for la gente, even while flameeng!

Luke: Look Jeff, I’m not here to cause any awkwardness.

Gay Zorro: There ees only one way to settle thees!

(whips out dick, ties radio antennae to it)

WE JOUST, GRINGO!!

Luke: Uh… no.

Gay Zorro: You cannot know what eet ees like to have thee burden of true leadership, gringo! No one can possibly know what eet ees like to be Gay Zorro. Eet ees a burden only GAY ZORRO can know! Sometimes, gringo, I wonder eef I need Gay Zorro more than the people need Gay Zorro! WHAT WILL YOU DO WHEN LA GENTE CRY OUT FOR GAY ZORRO AND YOU ARE NOT THERE FOR THEM?!

(takes pants off, runs around with only cape on)

Raheem: Jeff, you’re being totally unprofessional about this.

Gay Zorro: You can’t catch Gay Zorro! He shall fly away. He shall fly away from you all! FLY GAY ZORRO! FLY!

(flaps arms)

Try to have that kind of escapabeeleetee, gringo!

Raheem: Come on, Luke. I’ll show you the training room.

Luke: Good idea.

Gay Zorro: ASESINOS! You never truly keel Gay Zorro, el Negro! He leeves on een the spirit of the people! ONE DAY, I SHALL PASS THIS GAY MASK TO ANOTHER! PROBABLY BRADY QUEEN! Gay Zorro weel never die!

GZ photoshop by 289.