(crypt flies open)

Count Al: HISSSSSS!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha! Zey said I vas mad ven ven I gave Nnamdi Assimvaa forty three meelleeon! But vee shall show zem! Vee shall show zem all zat the Raidahs shall rise vunce more! BLAH! BLAH!

WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Count Al: Easy, VereRob Ryan! Soon, I vill feed you all the cheeldren you vant! BLAH! BLAH! Zey said I vas mad! Zey said Al Davis vasn’t veeth it anymore! But look who is having zee last laugh now! Mummy Art Shell, have you seen vat Coach Keefin has been doing at ze Tennessee?!!!

Mummy Art Shell: Durrrrrrrrrrr…. Bang his wife… durrrrr

Count Al: Yes Yes! She is a fine piece of poosy! I vould vallop zat poosy! BLAH BLAH! But zat is beside ze point! Now that Lane Keefin has gone crazy in ze Tennessee, everyvun now knows Al Davees vas right! Zis Keefin, I nevuh trust him! He vas crazy, I tell you! Crazy! Vith ze gosseeping, and ze shameful boasteeng, and alvays trying to fiah the secretaries! ZIS KEEFIN VAS ZE CRAZY VUN ALL ALONG! VUNCE AGAIN, AL DAVIS IS VEENDEECATED! Soon, vee shall conquer ze world! And night shall fall across ze landscape! I shall command an army of ze dead! No vun shall stop me! I SHALL VIN! BLAH BLAH!

(puerta flies open)

(more…)

Luke: Thanks for taking a chance on me, Coach Morris.

Raheem: My pleasure, Luke. Now, I can’t guarantee you a starting spot right away. But I do promise an open competition.

Luke: That’s all I ever wanted, Coach. I just want a fair shot. If I fall on my face, so be it. But I promise you, you will get my absolute best.

Raheem: Well, lemme show you the weight room.

Hovan: (squatting one rep of 500 with knee wraps on) GAHHH WHAT A RUSH!!! I’M SO FUCKING PSYCHED FOR THE SEASON… RAAHHH!!! BREAKDOWN! BREAKDOWN! BREAKDOWN! HYUNH!

ALL PRO THIS YEAR! ALL PRO THIS YEAR! FUCK YES!

Luke: Holy shit, is he always like that?

Raheem: Pretty much. You’ll learn to ignore him like the rest of us have. Anyway Luke, before we get started, I do want to talk to you about one thing.

Luke: What’s that?

Raheem: Well, it’s about your competition…

(puerta flies open)

(more…)